discouragement is hard. impatience takes its toll and frustration at times seems to take hold like a tick. once again i find myself complaining in a world full of blessings and extravagance. i hate myself for feeling unfulfilled. i look at my life and see the blessings. one search on google will show me pictures of just how blessed we are in america. yet i sit here wishing i were somewhere else. this job is taking it tolls on me on so many levels and although i don't want to complain anymore, i find myself walking down that road. pressure and stress is pressing down upon me and the exhaustion is draining. i can't remember the last time i felt rested. i want to search for a new job but in a way i feel like a failure for leaving this one. and even if i do search, i have no idea what i wanna do. ministry, yes, but where and what. prayer is unfruitful for answers right now which probably means HE needs me to be patient, although I find that increasingly hard. Once again patience seems to be the hardest wisdom to grasp onto.
29 September 2005
this is hodgepodge i know…welcome to my mind…always going and never being able to translate it into something eloquent…ohh well, read if you wish, just more ramblings.
where's that line and how do you find it? i try to always be pushing the envelope without going too far, which i fail at, but hey, at least i try right? but how do ya find that line. i want to keep social justice issues on the forefront of my life. it's 2-fold really, # 1. to keep others thinking about things...but the second reason is solely about me, to remind me to keep it in the forefront of my own life. we all get stuck in our comfort. as americans we have such an abundance of everything that it's so ridiculously easy to take things for granted. but i find myself wondering how i gently remind people about all the suffering in the world without going too far. i think as believers it's always such a slippery slope. how do we stand up for our beliefs without going too far? or why do we support something, that in the Godly scheme of things, really just doesn't matter, or even more, who do we call our friends? are we surrounding ourselves solely with 'christians' and 'christian beliefs'? i constantly have to check up my life, evaluate my friends and my latest mission statement…am i being too loud?
i just remembered what was at the top of my blog...see! i have to remind myself everywhere i go. i have to do everything i can not to get comfortable...
i'm still comfortable...
21 September 2005
my friends in maui.
i'm in michigan.
i wanna be in maui...
20 September 2005
if you haven't noticed, I've added another link under friends called "Detroit Homeless'. please go check this site out. It's updated monday - friday with an new face and profile. this guy walks the streets of Detroit and interviews the homeless. we've all been so blessed and we need to remember it on a daily basis...keep these faces and the faces of others who are suffering in your hearts and reach out to them. however you feel lead, reach out to them.
16 September 2005
there was a benefit for Carol last night. it was amazing. The worship was raw and emotional. the entire room seemed to be vibrating. it was simply amazing...but the even better thing was that last night I dreamt that Carol was awake and completely back to herself again. It was like she was never in the hospital. i woke up very joyful... smilz
14 September 2005
I want a relationship with my parents, but I don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel we're too far gone but I don't want to accept that. Nearly every conversation ends in an argument or disagreement about my life and when it doesn't, I end up feeling like a complete failure in their eyes. I just can't understand it and I have no idea where to begin to fix it.
My mom is extremely confrontational and she thinks she holds all the right answers. If I don't do what she thinks I should, she'll tell me. I rarely do what she says. So I ultimately hear her scolding. It affects me more that I let on. It makes me feel like a failure, but more importantly, it pushes me away a bit more and more each time we talk. And it's not just me. I have two brothers. One that's the light of my parents eye and milks it for everything it's worth and the other brother who's a lot like me, who has gotten to the point where he won't even talk to them when they call. He tells his wife to say he's not there.
I haven't seen my parents since June and honestly, I don't miss them. At least when they're gone, I don't get harassed that I haven't seen them in weeks. Now I just get, 'why haven't you seen your brother?' like it's a one way road…anyway, my relationship with my parents has been poor for 7 years or so, but it's been super bad for the past 2 and I wish I knew where to begin picking up the pieces.
07 September 2005
i've been feeling the stress of, well..everything, in my back, shoulders and neck lately and finally shelled out the dinero for a massage the other week. it was painful and awakening. i'm tense. more so than I thought. I was told that even my feet and jaw are tense. but my shoulders are another story, holding so much tension that the muscle stretching over the front of my shoulder is pulling my shoulder forward. i had to do something…so i joined yoga. something i haven't done in 2 years. ive missed it but at the same time, it makes me realize how much I've changed since becoming a believer.
the exercise itself is why i go. it's the one thing that stretches me out and forces my muscles to let go. but the spiel the instructor gives drives me batty. The drawing inward and the bit about the third eye..what's that all about? But all I had to do was look for JESUS and HE was there. In a room filled with questionable beliefs, there HE stood. waiting…and it was cool, the relaxation and silence brought me to a point of deep prayer and submission. it made me realize that if you look past the junk of the world, the lies and deceit and false gods you'll always find One, True GOD. all you have to do is look. seek and ye shall find. knock and the door will be open. Behind the smoky veil of darkness stands the brilliant light of GOD, waiting for you to find HIM.
06 September 2005
i'm on a mission…a mission to find peace in my 40 hr a week gig. i try…it seems each monday I buck up with a new attitude and walk into work with that yeah know, 'i mean business' stride…oh yes..i mean business. so i unlock my door, check the emails and see what i have to get done for the day…what to plan for, what policy to write…and then I get hit. blindsided by the man. and then my 'i mean business' stride turns into the downtrodden shuffle… but each day is a new and each morning I have to lace up those kicks for another stab of meaning business. so secretly, in my little square office, with my swingline stapler and thumbtacks, i start my mission. with my laced up kicks and buttoned up sweater, i secretly try to find that peace in my lil 40 hour a week gig.