it's been a week since we found out that we had lost Jorai. it's 2:00. that's when we went into the ER. this week has felt as if it were a month. yet as i look back, the time has flown by in a sense. so much has changed in our lives in this week. our hopes, our dreams, the laughter has gone. the house seems so quiet. my joy, my body. everything. i've come to realize that although i wish we could be normal, i don't believe we'll ever be normal again. there will always be loss. it may get easier, yet it will always be there, just beyond the surface. there will always be Jorai.
i got a card today with an irish proverb that really hit home to me.
at the pharmacy i asked to stop my automatic refills of prenatal vitamins, and as soon as i said it, i prayed that the receptionist wouldn't say something that would make me explain why. when steve goes back to work on monday i worry about all the people who will come up to him and offer their support and condolences. although it's so nice to know people care, it's hard to relive the pain with each new person. tears seem to come so easily.
i pray that one day, steve and i'll be able to help others deal with their loss. i pray that someday there will be a reason why we had to lose our daughter. i pray that there's some reason why we had to endure this pain and lose our hopes and our dreams of becoming parents. i pray that someday i'll be able to see steve rock our children to sleep, sing to them and be the father i know he can be. i want this desperately.
oh sweet Jorai i miss you so. i do pray that you know our love for you grows and that our pain for your loss is indescribable. i know you are resting in the loving arms of our Savior, yet i miss you down here. i can't wait to be with you again some day my sweet. you'll forever be in our hearts. we love you so much.
i got a card today with an irish proverb that really hit home to me.
without sorrow, the heart would never learn the meaning of joy.and then i read ecclesiastes 3:1-8
without tears, our eyes would never see what we hold inside.
without darkness, we would have no reason to look to the light of heaven
There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to rebuild.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak up.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
these times i know will make us stronger. they've already put life into perspective for us. what's important. what's not. i've left the house 3 times in the past week, with the exception of taking a few walks. and each time i leave, i've seen the world differently. i don't feel like i belong here anymore. material things don't matter to me. i'd give them all away for one moment with Jorai. as i walk down the store aisle, i realize that no one sees my pain. no one knows the pain steve and i have gone through this week. they're all doing their own business and almost everything i do, every step i take reminds me of my loss.
at the pharmacy i asked to stop my automatic refills of prenatal vitamins, and as soon as i said it, i prayed that the receptionist wouldn't say something that would make me explain why. when steve goes back to work on monday i worry about all the people who will come up to him and offer their support and condolences. although it's so nice to know people care, it's hard to relive the pain with each new person. tears seem to come so easily.
i pray that one day, steve and i'll be able to help others deal with their loss. i pray that someday there will be a reason why we had to lose our daughter. i pray that there's some reason why we had to endure this pain and lose our hopes and our dreams of becoming parents. i pray that someday i'll be able to see steve rock our children to sleep, sing to them and be the father i know he can be. i want this desperately.
oh sweet Jorai i miss you so. i do pray that you know our love for you grows and that our pain for your loss is indescribable. i know you are resting in the loving arms of our Savior, yet i miss you down here. i can't wait to be with you again some day my sweet. you'll forever be in our hearts. we love you so much.
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