the following conversation is not a joke...it happened at 5ish today while i was leaving work.

co-worker: so how's motherhood going?
me: what?
co-worker: how's motherhood?
me: are you serious? do you not know?
co-worker: what?
me: we lost our daughter. she was born still at 7 months.
co-worker: i'm so sorry.


God totally protected me and i was able to handle the situation with out screaming or wailing...but can you believe that? how's motherhood? i told him 'shitty'.

i felt bad for him...i know that he felt like crap.

so i've lost all the weight i had put on in pregnancy within 2 months, but my tummy has this sagginess that's just not acceptable to me. well, i finally decided to get to getting and try to whip myself back into shape. i found this 20 minute video called core secrets...it's a core strengthener video that you use with one of those huge balancing balls. i used it yesterday. today i am in pain. good pain, i know, but pain nonetheless!

i think this may just work. but man is it painful!

today was rough. with my emotions all over the place from yesterday and the hospital charging me nursery expenses from Jorai...ummm...she was never in the nursery...to now, i believe allergies. i'd had about enough.

so i came home to download the most recent big love episode. a show that i've recently become addicted to. warning...it's a bit sexy, but surprisingly, it has some really cool moral dilemmas throughout. after downloading and then watching it, i decided to make a blt. i've been craving one for a while now and since i no longer eat bacon, i thought that all might be lost. but don't despair fellow
non-pork consumers..i have a better option. i call it the haughty blt. sourdough, faken bacon (morning star brand..make sure ya cook it right!) tomato and spinach...none of the ice burg. oh yeah, and mayonnaise of course. it was wonderful.

but i was still looking for something so i turned to a hunk of dark chocolate and a glass of chianti. while i sat in enjoyment, i decided to log onto myspace where i found the featured band...atreyu...well, i could care less about the band, but atreyu? i couldn't pass the chance to remember the best movie ever...the neverending story with atreyu and his luck dragon falcor, his horse artrax and the evil nemesis gmork who is part of the nothing.

this has been a nice night. now all i need is a hot bath.





saturday was Jorai's due date. i had been nervous about it for awhile now. i thought that it would either be a super hard day or that it wouldn't be and i'd feel guilty that i wasn't sad enough. neither happened. i didn't feel exceptionally sad nor guilty, but then sunday hit. i wonder if sunday hit me hard because i had been so worried about saturday, and with the worry of saturday i was, in a way, keeping my spirits up. and when sunday dawned, i wasn't trying so hard to be ok. i woke grumpy. i laid around all day and then it hit. that despair that seems to be following me around the past 3 months. the darkness that comes out of nowhere and seems to envelop everything. my happiness and hope goes down the tubes. nothing seems as it is, nothing has light. it's a scary place to be. i'm usually not like this, and it scares me. i can see how depression can be such a debilitating disease.

people say how strong i've been through this. but i haven't been. they say that my faith has been strong. it hasn't. i'm still wrestling with my fear, with my anger and with my God. i know Jorai is in a better place. i know she's living it up in paradise. but honestly, i'm selfish and that doesn't help my sadness. it helps to know that she's healthy and filled with joy. but it doesn't take away my pain. i still ache for her hand to hold. her face to kiss. i ache to see her grow into womanhood. but these things will never be.

i call out to God for answers. i cry out for comfort. yet i still sit in this coldness. i want to look at my calamity and turn to God with trust and love, but at times i find that impossible. and as i type this i ache because i wish i had more trust in Him. i see others faith and it astounds me and then i look to mine and only see weakness. i have a quote on my desk that reads:

'look at your problems in the light of Gods power, instead of looking at God in the shadow of your problems'
how do i do that? i wish i had the faith to do that every second of my day, but i don't. sometimes i do. some times i can see God's blessings through all this. i can see the joy in the pain. but other times, i can't. i can't see any joy. all i can see is darkness. i turn to prayer, but only receive silence, i turn to His word, but only see words. what does this mean? how can i give Him everything i have, for Him to only turn around and leave me alone? wow...it's out. i feel alone. i mean i have steve and he's amazing and supportive and the best husband i could ever have, but he's ok. he's happy. he's moving on. i know he will forever miss our little girl, but he has hope for the future...and that's a good thing, but i feel stuck. not all the time, but a lot of the time. there are days i want to tear apart Jorai's room. i want to crush the crib and burn the clothes. i want to throw the rocking chair out the window and repaint the walls. but i can't, because there are other days her room brings me comfort. to be in the midst of her things. though they never touched her, they don't smell of her, but they were intended for her.

these past 3 months have flipped my entire world upside down. i've lost my baby girl, lost 3 of my 5 work days, lost a lot of my hope, lost some friends and all but lost some family. but i've also gained some amazing friends, gained new hope and gained a sense of freedom in my days off. as each day dawns, i feel closer to the 'old' kim. the positive kim. the kim that could look at her problems in the light of God's power. i know i'm still there, hiding in the muck. and many days, i even feel like her in a way. i feel broken. i feel tarnished, but i can still feel the old me. what scares me is when i don't feel the old me at all. when all i feel is the darkness. when i start to question my faith, my hope and my joy.

i want to be strong. i want to look at my sorrow every day in the face and scream for it to leave. i want a faith as strong as platinum. i want to look at the face of evil and watch it cower. i want to remember Jorai and not cry. i want to remember my baby girl in happy memories instead of only the horror. but mostly, i want to embrace the love of God with joy and hope. i want to feel His warmth and guidance. i want to know my faith in Him is strong and unwavering. i want to tap into His strength so i am no longer a cowering weakling. and i want to grow from this nightmare to become a woman of God. the woman God needs me to be.

please pray that i can let go of my anger. please pray that i can accept my fate and embrace the road God chose for me. pray for my courage and patience as i wait for His comfort. and please pray for me to grow into the woman He wants me to be. i cannot do this alone.


i was asked by one of my patients to day if i had delivered. i knew it would come. i feel so bad. for her, she felt bad for asking, and for me. i simple said that we had lost her. what a word lost. as if i could find her some where. as if she were hiding from me. but that's what i said. 'we lost her'. i was ok. the lump in my throat emerged, but tears never flowed.

i will forever hate the question 'do you have children?'. i used to be so excited to be able to answer it. i was over joyed to say 'we will! only a few months now!!'. now what do i say. yes, but she's in heaven.? and if we ever have more children, do i say ' we have 1 child on earth and one with Jesus.'?

it wasn't until i lost Jorai that i started to fully understand what
God meant when He said mankind would be cursed. although i was amazingly blessed with such a cool little girl whom God continues to teach me through, her life being taken from us, will be a curse upon my life for the rest of my days on this earth. the memories of all we've lost, the date of her birth, her due date, childbirth questions, medical forms, family questions...they will all spur memories. i know my pain will lesson, but i will forever dread those questions.

big bundles of excitement

tiffany's preggo!!! if you don't know her, she's the other riv mom who just lost her baby boy, Jayden, in May at. she was in her 6th month of pregnancy. i was just given the ok to spill the beans!!

here's my plea, please pray for her, her husband and this new super cool miracle. she's gone through so much the past 4 months and i want these next 9 months to be happy, healthy and blessed. please pray for the health of her and her child. please pray that her pregnancy will be wonderful and uneventful. please pray for her fears to subside and that she'll continue to feel blessed for each new day she has with this child. and please pray that at the end of these next eight months, she will be holding a healthy, kicking and screaming little one.

this is so exciting. so wonderful. i'm so excited for her and bret! i know Jayden is looking down with joy, knowing that he will soon have a baby brother or sister. super cool.

i just saw a women in the clinic breastfeeding. my soul aches to be that woman right now. holding my child, nursing her, stroking her hair. i've found that being at work is hard. it's been a place to reconnect with friends and start to submerge myself back into daily life, yet at the same time, working in a clinic filled with women and children can be heartbreaking. i'm hanging in there, putting on a brave happy face and stumbling through the day, but being here is a constant reminder of all i've lost. all the pregnant women, all the babies, hearing the crying through my closed door, they all tug a bit on my heart. i wonder if i'll still feel this way if/when i get pregnant.

this is the week Jorai was suppose to be born. it's also the week i ovulated...sorry i'm being so open boys...but my point it that this is such a strange week of emotions for me. i'm sad yet hopeful. i'm spending more time in Jorai's room this week but in addition to thinking about our loss, i'm also thinking about the possibility of another child that may someday lie in this lonely little crib. this is the first time i've been hopeful that we may one day be parents. i'm trying not to get too hopeful yet at the same time, not be too hopeless.

i can't believe that it's been over 3 months since we lost our baby girl. the time has flown. i can't believe i've healed so much. i still break down. i still miss her, i always will. i think of her always, i feel i can't even have a conversation without bringing her up in some way. i still get twangs in my belly and think there's a piece of her still there kicking me with those long legs of hers. my belly is getting smaller and smaller, yet i wish it were getting bigger and bigger.

i wonder if i'll always look at August
25 and think of her birth, just as i will for June 3. will those dates always be a haunting reminder of our pain? our loss? i don't know. all i know is that we had this amazing little girl growing inside of me for 7 months and it didn't matter how much love we had for her, how much hope and dreams we had for her life. it didn't matter how well i took care of myself, whether i went through it all natural or not. it didn't matter that we were financially secure, emotionally secure or mentally secure. nothing mattered except God's plan for her. i question everything but even my questions don't matter. i often wonder why God gives people healthy children, when all i see in their life is unpaid bills, immaturity and unhealthy lifestyles. but that doesn't matter because God gave those people children. it's not what i want that matters. it's not what i see is 'the right way' that matters. it's God. period. i can't look at peoples lives anymore and wonder why, yet rather just pray that God's will be done.

so what do i do with this knowledge? how do i make it work in my life? how do i let it ring true in my ears? how do i let it remind me when i start to go all selfish again? i miss our daughter tremendously. i'm still angry that she was taken from us. but i also know she's in my Saviors arms. how cool is that?! she's living it up with God. and i know that one day, i'll go home to be with God and Jorai and all the other loved ones we've lost. until then, i know she's already there. no pain, no sorrow, no tears. just my baby girl, with God, smiling and laughing and enjoying every second of eternity in paradise.

and as we continue to try for another child, i have to hold on to God and wait for His blessings. again it's not what i want, but what He whats that matters. as hard as it is to wait and see friend after friend get pregnant and go through pregnancy and then deliver, i have to be strong in my faith, i have to be strong in waiting.

how do i become strong when i feel so weak?

lessons learned

20 August 2007

life is short. stop being such a scardy cat..

i've been hurt by a lot of girl friends in the past. when i got into college i stopped pursing girl friends, and i guess i just never started back up again. i mean, i have a few, but i keep them at a distance. being me of course, but guarding myself by not letting them fully in, not trusting them. and with new people, i just tend to stand back and see if they come to me. i don't take too much of a effort since by doing so i'd be putting myself out there for pain. but since losing Jorai, one of the many lessons i've learned is, life is short, enjoy the people around you.

in the past 3 months, i've become close with a few more girls. it's refreshing. i still find myself guarding my heart a bit. it's scary to be putting myself back out there, but i can't begin to tell you how blessed i feel to have such an amazing bunch of women in my life. it's so cool.

i love having girlfriends in my life.

steve just told me that his parents have a new neighbor. her name is Jorai.

knowing this gives me chills. i know it's just a name...but it's not. there aren't that many Jorai's out there. i only know of 1, well 2 now. i know i can't look at signs, but in a way it just feels like my little girl wanted me to know she's ok. at least, that's what i'm going to think of it anyway. thinking that gives me joy.

any way, what's the chance of meeting another Jorai, let alone have them move next door?


Musicovery

17 August 2007

i got this from adam. it's so cool! here's his description...

Music is all about mood. There are smooth-jazz days, hard-rock evenings, and even those guilty-pleasure cheesy-pop-ballad moments in between. The brilliance of the Website Musicovery is in its ability to create free playlists for users based on a mixture of factors: mood (you can choose among “dark,” “energetic,” “positive,” and “calm”), era, tempo, genre.

Once you’ve picked your preferences, the fun begins: The site is not only great for listening but also a visual pleasure — handsome, user-friendly graphics explode in DNA-like strands across your screen, displaying your tailor-made selections, with unobtrusive links to purchase music. And with the “discovery” option, there’s a good chance you’ll find a new favorite song you didn’t even know existed.
i've been listening to it all morning. it's so cool. go check it out.

Musicovery

i had a dream last night that i was carrying my daughter. it wasn't Jorai. steve was with me and we were in a hospital. my daughter must have been 1ish, but she was super thin, like Jorai was. all of a sudden she looked up at me with fright. she couldn't breath. i watched as she started turning blue. i tried to help her but i couldn't. i called out for help and someone came running. she looked down at my daughter, picked her up and then looked at me and said there was nothing they could do. then i woke up.

i'm getting tired of feeling hopeless. i don't usually feel this way. but i don't know how else to feel right now. i want to look to the future and see children. but right now, i can't. i don't know if it's satan or fear or reality that's talking. while i'm awake, i try to push these thoughts away, but then they hit me in my dreams. i feel as if i can't get away from them. steve is so strong. his trust in Jesus is amazing. i feel like my faith is so weak. why can't i be strong like that? why is my faith and trust cracking at a ever increasing rate. i want to be an amazing faith warrior, yet all i feel like, is a hypercritical coward. it's only been 11 weeks since we lost Jorai. i know i'm still grieving. i know this process takes time. a part of me feels as if it was yesterday that we lost her. another feels as if it's been years.

i wish i could grab a hold of steve's patience and strength. i need patience. i need to come to terms with my loss and with all my blessings. i need to be patient and content. why can't i find contentment. why am i looking at others lives with envy? when we were pregnant, i was so happy. so excited. i was given everything i had ever hoped and dreamt of. yet with her loss, i feel empty. not with my marriage or friends. not with God. but there's this empty hole that just seems unfillable. i ask Jesus to fill all the voids in my heart. i ask and yearn for his healing touch, but as each days passes, this void remains. i know that i need to be patient, but i'm simply exhausted trying to be patient.

i know God is even more heart broken than i am. i know His love for me is ever flowing. but i'm sitting here heartbroken and in desperate need of His healing touch, i'm calling out for Him to heal me, to fill me, to wrap His arms around my brokenness, and yet as i sit here, i realize that i'm just as heartbroken as i was when i walked through my office door 5 hours ago. where do i go with this? my faith is strong and i love God with all my heart, but i have to admit, i feel so alone right now.

first day back

**mood:overwhelmed
**noise:air

by 8:30 i've managed to break down 3 times here at work. once when i walked up to my office and saw
that some co-workers had placed flowers, chocolate and a card at the door, once when the women, who is now sharing my office, had come in to ask me how i was doing...and then someone just walked into my office fast, said they were so glad to have me back and gave me a huge hug.

this is going to be a hard first day back friends. please pray for me. i feel so weak.

**mood: happy, excited...and strangely guilty
**noise: contractors putting on a neighbors roof

we have a yellow jacket problem. for the past 2 years they've come in swarms. i don't know what's up with this house, but for some reason, they like it. so much so, that the outside isn't enough, they also want to come inside. i don't know how. we don't have holes in our screens, but they find their sneaky way in. this summer, i've had enough. they have taken over the front porch...beware! so 2 days ago, i broke down and bought a yellow jacket catcher bottle thing. and for those past 2 days, i constantly go over to see how many i've caught, only to be disappointed. the thing is right next to the nest! i guess it's just not that enticing.

so, last night and this morning i sprayed the snot out of the nest. and just now, i went over to see the damage and noticed that inside the catcher bottle thingy is a lone yellow jacket. excitement and thrill spread through me. but then, guilt sank in. i just realized that the catcher thingy doesn't kill them. it just traps them. so instead of a quick death, the things going to starve to death. and this shouldn't bother me, right? i mean that stupid stinking stinging flying bug doesn't do me any good. it's not pollinating anything. it just wants to shack up on my house and sting me. so why do i feel guilty? i'm ridiculous.

i'm still going to let it starve. blasted bug. i'll just feel guilty the entire time.

steve just sent me an email from an x-girlfriend who had sent her condolences for Jorai. she and her husband gave birth to their child silently in december. she sent this song with her email. the lyrics are beautiful.

Watermark \ Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

buy album here

sometimes i wonder if we were to get pregnant again, if i'd be able to bond with the child growing within me prior to the birth. i bonded so much with Jorai. i felt as if i knew her before she was even born. i'm scared to be that bonded with another child in fear that we'll lose that child as well. and if i bond with our child in the womb, and we lose them, will i ever make it through it? i don't think i could do this again.

but then i think, how could i not bond with our child? we would love to be parents. we can only dream of it for now. i don't think there's any way for me
not to bond as a child grows within me.

but i don't know. sometimes my fear brings doubt into my life.

but i do know that my when has turned to if. i use to always say 'when we get pregnant...' or 'when we have children...'. i no longer say that. i no longer start those sentences out with when but rather if. if we get pregnant. if we have children. of course those that hear me say 'you'll have children'...but they don't know. they say it to reassure me. but i have to be honest with myself, it is an 'if' now, rather than a 'when'. i want to be hopeful, but i also need to prepare myself. thes things scare me.


a year in a life

Labels:

i was thinking the other day about this past year. all that's happened. all we've gone through. all we've gained and lost and learned and grown. steve and i have a relationship i always dreamt of. i can't believe i'm actually happy in a relationship. i'm not trying to not fight or prove myself. i'm not wishing to be alone or hoping things would get better. our relationship started as a friendship and that friendship was truly amazing. when we decided, almost a year later, to take it to the next step, it was rough. we had a lot of demons to destroy. and truthfully, there where times i thought the demons would win. but they didn't and we started to experience a relationship that was healthy and filled with laughter and trust, rather than one filled with anger and hurt. fast forward 3 years and here we are. i feel as if we've been married for years. people are surprised to know that we haven't been together longer. it's so strange.

and then to think back. within a year, we've gotten married, got pregnant, lost our daughter and gave birth, gone through the hardest grieving process i think we'll ever have to go through and still i look at my husband and see the man that i am so proud and excited to say that i'm his wife. after all the joy and all the sorrow. all the pain that usually divides couples, drove us stronger together. i know it's only been a year...almost...but it's been the best and worst and most fulfilling year of my life.

these next few weeks will be hard. i find it ironic that i'm going back to work tomorrow. 'in the plan' this week was suppose to be my last week of work, prior to the baby being born. i keep thinking about how big and uncomfortable i would've been. how nervous, yet excited we would be. i wonder if i would have been mentally ready to deliver our child naturally. our child, Jorai, would have been born in a few weeks time. and yet, i know she will never be in this world. as we try for another pregnancy, i can't help to think about what a joy we would have had raising Jorai.

i just can't believe a year has almost gone by since our wedding. 24 september 06. last winter we thought that we wouldn't be able to get away for our 1st anniversary. now, it seems, we will. we're looking for a cabin on a lake somewhere relatively close by...any suggestions?

does eating ice cream after exercising cancel out the calories burned? hmmm...ice cream was on sale yesterday at kroger. i couldn't resist.

i start back to work this thursday. i wish i was more excited about it. i think the first few weeks will blow. i don't know if i can handle everyone coming up to me and telling me how sorry they are. i think i may just have to hold myself up in a closed office. i also need to confront them with the hours they're screwing me with. it's making it near impossible to work around. i wanted to find a part time job or volunteer, yet i can't say that i'll need to work different hours every week now can i. i was also going to sign up for a few exercise classes...but with my current days switching every week, i'll only be able to hit classes every other week. i still can't believe they're screwing me like this. i guess it shouldn't surprise me...but it does. i'd like to keep this job, but i have to admit, with the way they're treating me with switching around my days every week, i'm looking for something different. probably another part time job so i can still volunteer. it'll make me sad if i have to leave. i love my job, but i'm not going to allow someone to screw me like that. it's not right.

ok...enough crabbing. off to meijer.

love

12 August 2007

i have been a long supporter of jay bakker. he has always been one of those pastoral figures that inspire me. he has some theology that i don't agree with, but he inspires me to love. i've never met the guy. but i listen to his messages of love and grace. his actions of love and strength to endure inspire me. it started a while back when i found his ministry. i had heard about revolution through steve and then met matt, jay's x-co-pastor, at an underground conference. matt and jays words and actions of love cut through a lot of the anger and resentment i had with christians. then i read jay's book, son of a preacher man. i could feel his pain. his sorrow. i could relate to him giving up on love and deciding to run away with drugs and alcohol. and i could relate to the grace and true love he felt from Christ as soon as he gave up and finally held his hand out to grasp a hold of Jesus.

last night steve and i finally got our hands on his documentary, one punk under God. i feel as if he's constantly searching for love and acceptance. but he's also wanting others to know that same love and acceptance. Christ wanted to show people His love. it was Christ who loved the unloved, touched the untouchable. and it has long hurt me that it's the accepted christian way that instead of loving, we judge. i feel as if jay, is one of few, who have broken that mold. he's out there on the tight rope of faith, trying to balance. taking his faith to the edge while tyring desperately not to fall too far. i'm not sure if he always succeeds. i don't feel secure in all of his beliefs. but his love for all who come to him, is amazing. he loves the unloved. he touches the untouchable, just as Christ did. those who have been kicked out of church, those who have been treated like crap from christians, find hope and love in jay's message of Christs love.

today, brett spoke at riv. what an amazing speaker, he truly has the gift of teaching. he taught on love. loving the word. one of the many things that hit me, was when he was talking about some seattle pastor who, to paraphrase, stated that all people need Christ. homosexuals, heterosexuals, men, women, children, olders, youngers...everyone needs christ. and what hit me, as a christian, is how can i show people Christ, without showing them love first? how is a christian who asks a homosexual or rapist or child abuser or tax evader or a smelly hippie to leave their house of God, showing them Christ? Christ would have never done that. and if it's our mission to show people the love of Christ, if it's our mission to bring people to His thrown to lay down their burdens, how can we do that by hate and judgement?

listening to bretts message this morning and watching jay's documentary last night brought something i've always thought was important into even more focus for me.

1 corinthians 13:1

if I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. (the message)

if I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. (new living)

without love, we can not show people Christ. without love, we are nothing. so then the balance is, after we show people love through our words and more importantly through our actions, how then, if needed, do we confront their sin? and is it even our place to show them their sin? i tend to rely on feeling Christ lead me before i act, yet brett brought up a good point that we may be relying too much on 'feeling lead', especially if we're not sifting our convictions through the word first before acting.

bretts message has challenged me. i've only been a believer since the fall of 2003. i was 28 years old when i accepted Christ. i had already formed many of my beliefs outside of Christ. therefore i struggle quite a bit with some theology. yet my core intention is to only follow the word of Christ. i would never want to take Gods word out of context and end up leading myself and others down the wrong path. that is one thing that has really scared me since i came to the Cross. but the one thing that i can't screw up. the one thing that can see through all sin, all cultures and all people is love. i personally, think it is time to stop judging people on how the look, what they believe or how their living, and start loving them. it is through Christ and Christ alone that people will be shown their failings (and we all have them!) and then start taking the first steps in healing. it is not through what we say, yet rather how we act and the love and grace we show them that may open their eyes to the greatest love of all.

love on.

baby back

11 August 2007

i've gotta get this baby back, back in shape. i can't fit into any thing and the clothes i can fit into creates a roll of flab that falls over the front! not pretty...so i was thinking about trying to find a treadmill. thinking they wouldn't be too terribly expensive i went searching on-line. they're kinda pricey! i would love a folding one, but would take anything if the price is right. i'm going to start looking in the lsj and on craigslist, but i was wondering if any of you have a treadmill or know of someone who has one that you or they never use anymore. let me know. i'd be interested in striking up a deal to get my body back!

photos of late

10 August 2007

here's the link to the washington photos. i'll post about the trip soon.

enjoy.

it's 10:03pm, what are you doing?

young bobby dylan was just on wkar and now ray charles is singing ring of fire! i don't know what this show is, but it looks promising. check it out.

wine

i like it. a bit too much maybe. i had a glass tonight...and being a bit of a light weight...i can feel it at one glass...but i had poured steve a glass before we sat down to watch the queen...and he was paged into work...and it was just sitting there...all lonely. so i had to drink it. now i'm loopy and had to confess.

speaking of wines, i think i have found my next favorite. it's a 2003 cabernet sauvignon from preston wines. super yummy. tons of flavor.

thanks noel

alright. noel just blogged about this and i think it's cool. i love getting comments on my posts. they encourage and challenge me. i know some folks don't leave comments so hopefully this will make it easier. i'll be testing this out to see if i like it and if people use it or not...but here it is: it's called Click Comments from PostReach and it is super easy.

if you don’t feel like commenting (which is easy...go ahead and try it!) but you still want to give me feedback, just click once on one of the icons below the post. Hover over each one to see what they represent, then click on the one that states how you feel.

i just can't sop crying tonight. the despair has taken hold again. i don't know why it comes in waves like this. i just keep wishing that i could hold on to the happy memories of Jorai within me, happy and kicking, instead i keep reliving the horror. her birth, her limpness. i would do anything to see her laughing right now. to see the light of her eyes. to hold her. this will never be reality for me as i live my days on this earth. it can only be in dreams. i long to have those dreams too. to be with her in my dreams, but they don't come either.

i haven't cried this hard in weeks. i haven't felt this despair. but it's here now. with a vengeance. why? why does it keep coming? steve said today that he sometimes gets mad at himself if he forgets for a little bit about what we've lost. why does this process seem never ending? i feel as if i'm in this vast tunnel. some days i see the light of day and have hope for the possibility of being parents but then i seem to lose my hold and fall even deeper down the side and what once was blue sky is now only darkness. tonight has darkness. it's all around me. i should be upstairs in my husbands arms but i didn't want to wake him with my tears. so i sit here in the darkness alone. sad that my husband gets mad at himself if he forgets for a bit and utter devestation within myself for all we've lost.

i prayed a prayer tonight to bring our daughter into our dreams tonight. i prayed that they would be happy dreams. the only dream i've had of her was her frozen and melting. just another bad vision to keep with all the others. i need a happy vision of her. i know deep down that she's up in heaven with Jesus and Jayden and all of our family and friends who have passed, whooping it up, but i would love to have that vision of her. i vision her frail lifeless body daily, i retrace my steps of those horrid days surrounding her passing. i want so badly to see her happy.

this sadness is all consuming me at times. i want to be hopeful. i want to see life in my eyes again. will i ever find the peace i search for? God, please help us.

home

we're home, but exhausted. flying all day and then trying to go to bed on washingtontime is a bit hard on the body. i'll try to post a decent blog tomorrow or friday. until then, we had a great time. it was nice to have some time alone. being with my folks all the time was hard, but our alone time was beautiful. we saw a lot of beautiful country and breathed as much mountain air as we could in the short 6 days we had. in other news, i didn't get the job at lcc, which steve and i already decided that i shouldn't take, although i must admit that by not getting the job, i wondered what was wrong with me! so silly. and i'm not pregnant, which has been hard for me. i wanted to give a positive pregnancy test to steve on his birthday and i wanted to feel life within me again. maybe next month.

i'll post more later.