news and prayer request

30 September 2007


i took 2 pregnancy tests yesterday...one when i woke up, it was barely positive...and one at noon, because i thought that it would be more positive. it wasn't. i could see the line but it was so faint, I though i was seeing things.

so this morning i took another test...and again, it was super faint, so i thought i'd try the digital one...i don't think i can deny this one!

so yeah, were pregnant again. pregnant. i'm more excited than worried. it's a wonderful feeling, knowing that we have hope again to one day hold our screaming, warm, child in our arms.

i have a feeling that as amazingly beautiful this adventure will be, i think i may be, at times, petrified...so please pray for us and for this baby. we need all the prayers we can get!

WOW!!! I"M PREGNANT!!! how cool is that!?!

time to break through the numbness

29 September 2007

anyone interested in seeing this?




http://www.tradethemovie.com/

right now i see it only playing in d-town. if it never makes it to lansing, we'll make sure to get it for documentary night...

Detroit Area
Main Art, Royal Oak MI
Forum 30, Sterling Heights MI

there are some days where i just want to shut myself within my doors and not come out. as i have said, most of my friends are now pregnant. with one of my friends just having her babies this week, i now know 8 pregnant women. 8. when i was first pregnant...it was just me. then when i was 2 months alone, i heard another riv gal was preggo and then close friend got pregafied. and then they hit. about a month before we lost Jorai they started to come. and i'm really happy for them. it's beautiful and exciting and amazing, but for me, as much as i want to be totally ok with it...it still pulls a bit. it's that constant reminder of our loss.

i want so much to be ok, but i'm not. i see a baby and want to hold them, but i don't know if i could and if i did, what if i started crying? it's holding the baby babies that scares me. man, i crave it. it's all i think about, but i'm afraid to go there again. the last baby i held was Jorai.

and the baby talk. it's constant. and i understand it. i really do. i did it and i can't wait to do it again, but hearing it, pulls. last night i was with a group of 4 girls. i was the only one not pregnant. it was hard. i don't want it to be hard. and i would never want people to be sensitive around me, never, but it was hard.

how can i make this ok? how can i be around a group of pregnant women and not feel like 'that woman'. how do i not ache for what i've lost and can't seem to create? losing a child is something that i truly hope none of you ever have to face. it's something i can't explain. i can only try by saying that it feels like a canon has blown straight through you. you're in pain and empty and there's nothing you can do to forget about it. you notice the loss at every turn, in every day. you want to be ok, but your not. i mean you are...but your not. not fully. there's always that loss, right under the surface.

i am so happy and excited to share my friends pregnancy joys. but i'd be lying if i said that i wasn't jealous of them and still a bit pissed at God for taking my daughter away. these babies that are now being brought into this world...these babies where suppose to grow up with Jorai. Jorai was suppose to be apart of their lives. seeing these babies and knowing that my own will never grow with them, kills me.

i was at a training session yesterday. we were going through a questions and answers session when the presenter found the next question and didn't know how to respond...

'what should we do to prepare for Y2K?'
there were a few snickers...but i think there was mainly just confusion from a lack of watching the office...here ya go if you're confused...



the more i get submerged into the ministry realm of things, the more i get inspired yet uninspired at the same time. i want to create and lead and encourage and help in my ministries, but some days i get so discouraged. some days i see people really stepping up and helping those that Christ would help, doing as Christ would, but then other days, i see the inconsideration and selfishness of people. it's hard.

and i'm a pion in the ministry realm... i can't even imagine the ups and downs of pastors and then thinking about the ups and downs that Christ faced on a daily basis overwhelms me.

i never thought i'd be in ministry...well frankly, i never thought i'd be a believer in Christ, let alone a ministry leader...but i'm glad to be here. it brings me joy to be a part of a church i believe in and know that the members aren't afraid to get off their butts and actually walk the path of Christ to help others.

but there are times that are just plain hard.

has it really been a year?

24 September 2007

steve and i were married a year ago today. crazy. it's been an intense year. full of joy and sorrow, grace and pain. and i would wouldn't want to spend any second of it with anyone else. i truly married the best man i know and i look forward to spending the rest of my life learning from, laughing with and loving my rockin husband.

From Wedding pictu...

after 2 bouts of urinary track infections...(making babies is tough work)...i am finally cleared. well, my urine is. so then the amount or urination i've been doing makes me hopeful that i may be preggo. yet the worry that i'm just looking at anything i can, that may point to my pregnancy hopes, is setting in. after losing Jorai, my worry is that we'll never get pregnant again. but i want to have hope that we will. but it's the crushing realization when i finally realize that i'm not, that's ultimately suffocating.

i want so badly to have hope and patience. but i'm still haunted by the blessing that was taken away so prematurely and the fear that even though God granted us a glimpse of what becoming parents may feel like, the reality of it will never happen.

how can i hold onto the hope without getting to attached and let go of the want to become patient. this whole life thing is so freakin hard isn't it!?

God through a childs eye




and my favorite...

into the wild

i read into the wild about 10 years ago. it was one of those books that left an indelible mark on me. i'm excited to say that sean penn decided to put it to film, and from what i've heard both the family and the author of the book were amazed at the film. the site says it came out on the 21st, but steve and i were super bummed to not see it at any of the local theaters. we heard that sean penn was going to be on oprah last thursday, so we watched it. well, come to find out, it had a soft opening on the 21st, but it fully comes out on October 5th. steve and i want to go as soon as it hit's lansing. if anyone's interested in a movie night, let us know. here's the preview:



and if you haven't, you should read the book by jon krakauer. i'm not sure what i think about jon...he liked to compare himself with chris (the kid the book is written about) so, about 3 chapters are about him. which i think is silly. if you're writing a book about someone, you need to leave your own story out of it. i think he's a bit full of himself personally, but nonetheless, the book rocks. especially if you just skip those few chapters. here's the synopsis of the book though...it's what's on the front page, i'm not giving anything away! stop yelling!!

in april 1992, a young man from a well-to-do family hitchhiked to alaska and walked into the wilderness north of mount mckinley. his name was christopher johnson mccandless. he had given his $25,000 dollars to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet and invented a new life for himself. four months later , his decomposed body was found by a moose hunter.

well what this synopsis doesn't tell you is that chris' adventure started in 1990. that is when he originally gave up all his possessions. he traveled through arizona, california and south dakota, meeting people along the way, working and living his life for almost 2 years. he wasn't some stupid kid. he was smart and had a passion that most only dream to have. read the book.

i wish i knew where grief comes from. how i could stop it. there's nothing to take this pain away. and i know that. but i still wish there was a little pill.

this weekend was great. steve and i spent our anniversary weekend in saugatuck and then stayed in a b&b in allegan. i'll talk more about the trip later. but it was great. it really was. then i get home and something hit's me. grief. again, out of no where. i've been trying to shake it for hours, but ya know...it's still here, covering me like a cold wet blanket. i hate this.

i still can't believe that i'm that person now. the one with a tragic story. i'm that person who gets whispered about when i leave. or talked to 'sensitively'. i never wanted to be this person. i never thought i'd be this person. and at times i forget that i am now, this person.

being this person sucks.

waiting game

the time between ovulation and menstruation sucks. some days i'm super hopeful. some days, not so much. i wish there was another way to find out if you're preggo, rather than waiting for your period to come and then test. there should be an earlier test. IF i am preggo, the baby would be due around June 11. which would be so close to Jorai's birth date, it might be strange.

the thought of being pregnant fills me with so much hope, but knowing that i very well may not be, crushes me. i hate the waiting game.

i found jeans!!! and one is in my pre-preggo size!!! and they fit, and look nice and feel good. very cool. it's been so hard dealing with my loss plus feeling frumpy. this little step feels so nice. my body's not back fully...but it's getting there.

IF i'm preggo...

20 September 2007

the key word is IF...but IF i am...the stupidity has already hit my brain. not that i'm already a bit silly brained, but i just picked up the phone to call steve...dialed the number and waited for him to answer. as i was waiting my phone stated ringing...CLUE 1...thinking it was steve i looked at the phone and noticed it was a 543 number (which just happens to be a charlotte number, which is where i work) CLUE 2. but in my silliness, i still thought it was steve, so i hung up my work phone to answer my cell. it was only when i saw the scroll say '1 missed call' that it dawned on me. i dialed myself.

oye. sometimes i amaze myself.

how cute is this?


It's a tale straight out of Disney – an abandoned baby monkey, close to death, is revived by the love of a bird.

The 12-week-old macaque was rescued on Neilingding Island, in Goangdong Province, China, after being abandoned by his mother.

Taken to an animal hospital, he was weaned back to physical health but still showed little appetite for life.

It was not until a fellow patient, a white pigeon, took him under her wing and showed him love and affection that he perked up.

Now the two are inseparable, say staff.

are you kidding me?

19 September 2007

so i just got this email from beaners

you've got to be kidding me. biggby coffee? that's the best they could come up with. i'm severely disappointed. severely. biggby...they're making fools of themselves. i know i'm a bit snobtastic when it comes to coffee. but, biggby? oye

i realized that my life still revolves around Jorai. this little life that left us so quickly, is still with us so fully. my days are filled with thoughts of her. i wonder if they always will be. or if i get pregnant or have children, will those thoughts start to fade. never to fully leave, but not consume me. everything reminds me of her. all thoughts lead to her. such a short life. i never got to fully know her. yet she is within me always. it's a wonderful feeling to have her so close, yet haunting as well.

the orchid that dan and suzanne brought us the week we lost Jorai is finally losing it's flowers. after doing some research, i found that flowers usually only last a month or so. if you have a really healthy plant, they can last 3 months. our flowers lasted 3 1/2 months. the flowers, so delicate and dainty, reminded me so much of Jorai. she was so feather light as we held her for that short hour or so. chilled to the touch as the petals with skin so paper thin. and beautiful. tall and stately. a true miracle.

seeing the petals fall feel symbolic. kinda sad, kinda joyous. an orchids flowers die off and while the plant looks like it's dying, it's really just saving up energy to come alive again, to become even more beautiful than before. the pain of holding Jorai's lifeless, feather light and paper thin body was devastating. but looking back, there was joy in the sorrow. her body may had been lifeless and limp. her body may have fallen, but her spirit was sprouting. although it's hard for me to grasp some days, i know that her spirit lives on and that the body that her father and i held was just the molting she left behind as she became new again in heaven.

the bible says that we get new bodies in heaven. sometimes i wonder what Jorai will look like when we see her again. will she be the infant we once held? or will she be the beautiful woman i dreamt she would be? i want to live my life to it's fullest here on earth, but i also can't wait to leave, so that i can be with her again.

wow...as i typed this, another bloom broke off and crashed to the floor. there were 11 blooms yesterday. as of 8:07, there are 4. this process reminds me how short and delicate life is. God gives and God takes away. i love when He speaks to me in the little things of life. it's the little things that mean so much.

there's something about setting an alarm to jolt you out of bed, in order to get to getting to make a baby, that takes the romanticism out of romance...

anger in grief

17 September 2007

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since we lost Jorai, i've had a really hard time with anger and crazy bouts of emotions. they still haunt me at times. i blow up at little things and get really frustrated at God. i yell at Him a lot. not really in a 'how could you' way, but more of a 'why' and 'can ya just give me a reprieve' kind of way. but still i hate the fact that i'm yelling at the one Man who will love me and never leave my side, the one Man whom i put all of my faith and love into. it's that weird double sided sword of i love you yet am mad at you at the same time kind of feeling. and that scares me. i question if my faith is strong enough, if i have that superficial trust in God that i can't stand in other believers. i worry about these things. but today i read something from a organization call share, who helps those who have gone through a loss like mine.

Your anger may be directed toward God. You may feel that your faith has weakened as you question past strong beliefs. Tell God how you feel and talk to those who can help you explore. Your faith can help you through this time, yet expressing doubts and feelings aids in processing what you are experiencing.
as much as i hate questioning the strength of my faith, this statement makes me remember that by the simple act of genuinely looking at my faith and evaluating it, i know that my faith is strong. and that through my grieving process, i may continually be angry at God at times. and even though others who grieve, don't do this, i shouldn't look at my grieving process and think that i'm doing it incorrectly. for what is grief? doesn't everyone grieve differently. i should be worried if i no longer care if my faith is strong. and i know, that blase attitude will not come into play with my faith. i may at times be angry with God. but even in my anger, i love Him more than life itself and deep down, i know Jorai is in an amazing place and it's just my selfishness and jealousy that i want her here, with me and her father.

my husband, the psycho asparagus....



we went to silver lake sand dunes yesterday. i was excited to go, but the excitement quickly turned to realizing that the trip would prove to be one of the most uncomfortable, depressing and horrendous day trips of my life thus far.

the dunes were amazing, though i'm still spilling sand everywhere. we went to 2 wineries. i've never done a wine tasting. i had it envisioned differently. the first one we went to, jomagrha, was comfortable, yet totally not what i was expecting. the room was small. there was a guy, a counter and 8 wines to taste...and a whole lotta fruit flies. the owner was super nice and cool. we liked and purchased 2 wines. very reasonable. the other winery, tartan hill, was a snob fest. as soon as i walked in i felt a chill. i was trying to make the lady smile and warm up, but it didn't help. the winery was beautiful but the wine was lacking in flavor and the woman was not very pleasant. i think i could handle living on a vineyard though!!

...so...the 40 minutes or so in wineries and the hour at the dunes was fun, but the lessons learned were priceless...

1. go on trips with friends or folks you know well and
2. my husband rocks, even when he turns into a crazed asparagus

fact

12 September 2007

my husband makes the best coffee ever. he started to roast his own beans about a year ago and he just keeps getting better and better...

you too can have a great cup a joe:

roast your own beans!
grind them when they're fresh in a burr grinder!
make coffee in a french press!
top it off with organic creamer.

now...if only steve could make mine look like this..



the past couple days after working out, i've stretched. i've been ending with lower leg and butterfly (buddha) stretches. the strange thing is that when i'm finished and get up, my first 2 steps result in both my hips popping. it's never happened before. i wonder if it's a post preggo thing. strange.

sometimes i can't help but to think about what my life would be like today if we hadn't lost Jorai. would i be feeding her or playing with her right now? would she be sleeping and i'd be catching up on some housework? what would we be doing?

pregnancy and child birth is such a beautiful, wonderful event, but it's changed for me. i used to watch that stupid baby show on tlc and cry each time the baby arrived, thinking about how it would be when that was me. now i can't watch it. in fact anything baby, i quick change the channel or page. i see pictures of newborns and wonder what Jorai would have looked like. it's tormenting in a way.

i was the first to get pregnant, and at the time, i wished i had a friend to go through the process with...now it seems like pregnancy and childbirth surrounds me. not that i'm not happy and excited for my friends, because i am. it just feels bizarre. when i was pregnant, i was alone in my journey. now that i've lost Jorai, it seems like i'm alone again.

it's so strange how life works, how God works. i don't understand His ways. they seem backwards to me, but i know that it's me who's backwards. and that all things work for the greater good and that He only will doll out as much as i can take. but today i want to be selfish. today i want my baby back.

things i'm grateful for

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let me try this again...

God...He's everything. He keeps me breathing and taking the first step in the morning. He loves me and that's the best feeling in the world.

steve...amazing...he's my husband and he's simply amazing. what more can i say...really i could stop here.

Jorai...the time we got to spend together may have been short, but she will forever be a constant reminder of God's love for us. she was an amazing little girl and i cannot wait to meet her again.

my family...as difficult as it is to find common ground, i love them. and i know they love me and for the most part, they support me. and, well, they're family.

my in-laws and the rest of steve's family...they are amazing. truly amazing. i used to be afraid of joining a family, but seriously, steve's family is so supportive and loving. it's beautiful.

my friends...i've always kept people at bay. since losing Jorai, i've really tried to step out a bit more and it's been refreshing. it's hard for me to count on people, because in my past, i've always been let down. but not now. my friends rock and i find peace in letting them in.

tiffany...i hate the fact that she had to lose Jayden just as i lost Jorai, but i'm so glad we met and became friends. it is so wonderful to have someone who fully understands my pain and whom i've become so close to.

my ministry...which scares me tremendously, but allows God to challenge and use me. i'm in 2 ministries now. one that i feel comfortable in and one i feel quite uncomfortable in. but, i know this is where i'm suppose to be. i can feel God surrounding both ministries and that excites me. but i never thought i'd be a part of 2 ministries. my faith has come a long way in 3 years!

my health...although there are times i feel as if i could give up, for the most part i feel so grateful to have such a healthy life.

and lastly, the ability to wake up each morning and start a new day. it might continue to be sunny or it might all turn to shit, but i get to wake each day knowing that there's hope for the day.

and while you're praying...can you throw me into that prayer too? i'm more stressed than i thought i was...my tmj is back with a vengeance. i've had headaches going on 2 weeks now and i couldn't figure out why, but now my jaw is killing me and i realize that i've been clenching throughout the day and grinding at night. i just ordered a bite guard for the night but if you could pray for me to better deal with my stress, i would really appreciate it.

thanks to ashley and ross, steve and i now own a treadmill. we got it sunday. after a hard day yesterday, i got on that thing and ran for the first time in years. if it wasn't a hard run, i don't know what i would have done. it felt good...for the few minutes i ran. but then i switched to walking, at a good clip of course, i just couldn't run anymore. my knees and hips can't take it anymore. it felt good to get all that bad energy out. i like my new-to-me treadmill.

well..back to painting the japanese dining room...

oh...and pray for a good friend of mine today please. she needs comfort and strength. thanks

ironic

10 September 2007

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the following was written right before my boss came into my office to tell me how disappointed she is of me. not that i didn't do exactly what i was asked to do, because i did and she said so. but she's disappointed with me because i didn't read her mind and do something she wanted me to do. confused? me too. she could have been a decent boss and come to me with her expectations but instead, because i'm not a mind reader, she is disappointed. she hasn't even talked to me since my first day back, how can i disappoint her? oh, yeah, and she flat out told me that she makes my schedule, so instead of knowing my days, know i realize that she can pick any day she wants me to work.

i am so sick of being trashed on. it took everything i had not to walk out of this office. steve and i are going to talk about the possibility of me quitting tonight. not that i want to. i love my job. but how can someone, who hasn't even talked to me about my work since i've been back and admitted that i've done everything i've been asked to do, be disappointed in me. i've only been back to work for 4 weeks, 8 days! give me a break.

and why is it, that the moment i feel a peace, a reprieve, i get bashed in the gut again. i truly feel like giving up today. i've had it.

this is what i had started. i just can't finished it now. i don't have the heart anymore.

i've wrapped my life up around the loss of Jorai and the creation of another amazing newman. i was just thinking about how wonderfully blessed people are around me and wondering why i'm not blessed. i've been wallowing in my sorrow and, well, i'm sick of it. i am so blessed. we lost our amazing daughter and the whole getting pregnant thing hasn't been working out (but those 150 milers might just work this month!) but who cares?!? i'm making a list to remind me of my blessings...

God...He's everything. He keeps me breathing and taking the first step in the morning. He loves me and that's the best feeling in the world.

steve...amazing...he's my husband and he's simply amazing. what more can i say...really i could stop here

i know it's tmi

but i couldn't resist...i'll try to make it sound as ok as i can...

steve did a coast to coast ride on saturday. it was 150 miles. on sunday, after 'trying to make a baby' he looks over at me and said 'i think those boys will make it happen. i mean they rode 150 miles in 1 day...'

i know, tmi...but come on...when your husband let's out a comment like that, who can resist.

this week i found out that if we want a trader joe’s in lansing, we need to ask for one. and if we ask for one and if they get enough location requests, we might just get one...and that would be really cool!

fill out this form and help bring lansing a trader joes!!

money hungry bastards

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i'm really trying not to be a complainer. i'm trying not to have little things set me off, but it's just not working. i'm still on edge with my emotions. i try so hard to let things go. to let things slide off me. but i still feel that my stress basket it over flowing and when one little things happens, i just can't take it.

last week it was aetna. one of the crappiest insurance companies i've ever had to deal with. i got a bill for $150. thinking it was deductible that i've already paid, i called to see what was going on. which was a hard call. i have to talk about losing Jorai. i have to explain it. i've dealt with so much and then i have greedy little bastards breathing down my neck, it just pisses me off. come to find out, it wasn't aetna that was greedy, it was sparrow. apparently, if you are admitted to sparrow with a dead child within you, they'll go ahead and charge you for a nursery room and board, just in case they're needed...for a dead child. i'm trying to get this fee taken care...but how can anyone do that? charge you a nursery fee for a lifeless child who will never be brought there but instead will travel on a covered bed down to a refrigerator.

sorry for the morbid talk, i'm just pissed...because just now i got another bill from aetna for an ultrasound....from april. it was processed in april, everything else in my pregnancy was paid for through june...but they decided to now deny my ultrasound, even though it should be covered. so i had to spend more time on the phone with the blasted insurance company trying to find out why i have a $384 bill. supposedly, it was billed wrong...4 months after it was first processed. i cannot stand insurance companies and hospitals. i feel like they're always trying to stick it to you. what if i was someone who didn't understand my coverage? what if i just paid everything i was given? what is going on with this world?

it makes me think of my favorite jimi hendrix quote:

when the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.
thank you for listening and sorry for the yelling and my crappiness...i just needed to vent and if i don't do it over the internet, i'd probably take it out on my phone or the wall or a person...so thank you. and if you have a chance, never take aetna as your insurance company and review all your hospital bills, because they will try to rob you if you don't pay attention.

and go watch sicko!!! we need universal health care!!


i'm nesting...not in the preparing for a child nesting, but still nesting. i've cleaned out the cupboards, rearranged and scrapped the dried molasses that's been hardening for weeks. it feels nice. i want to start new though...fully.i'd like to throw out everything and restart. food, clothes, furniture. i have a feeling this is a grieving step of some sort. i don't know..i just feel ready to start over. not that i'll throw anything out...it's just a feeling.

the memorials are still up in the living room. they
still bring me comfort, yet a major part of me thinks it's time to bring them down. but i know they bring steve a lot of comfort and for that i'd keep them up for years if he needs them. but one thing still haunts me. i still haven't picked out a urn for Jorai. i think a part of me simply can't do it. it's the last step. i think another part of me though, the bigger part, just can't find the perfect place for her. i want it to be beautiful and perfect, just as she was. i keep thinking i'll run into it some where. maybe one day i will. but it saddens me for now to know that a silly plastic box holds my beautiful and perfect child.

i can't stay out of Jorai's room. i'm glad it's finished. there are happy memories in there. picking out the paint and then painting, putting together the crib, painting the changing table and picking out the pictures. but my favorite times were watching as steve would turn on the lights and just stare into the nursery. he was so excited to be a father. Jorai is so blessed to have such a loving papa. i'm glad we have her nursery. it's a comfort. i still rock in the chair as i did when she was within me.

as i continue to heal and grow and move on, i want to find new ways to keep Jorai a part of our lives. since losing her, i have heard of so many stories of friends and acquaintances and family members who have lost children by either miscarriage or stillbirths. they hold in their stories it seems, until someone they know would be comforted in hearing about their child. it's their choice to do this. everyone grieves and heals differently, but i choose to bring Jorai with me always. i'm choosing to talk about her and remember her and honor her as a member of our family for all of my days. we didn't know her long, but she is still teaching me about life and love and forgiveness and fear and doubt and most of all Gods grace and love. how can i not scream to the world about such an amazing child we had. she brings me so much joy even though i only held her for a moment.

amazed

06 September 2007

Texas Man Keeps Vow to Wear Tie

Bob Flournoy needs all his legal talent to get out of this. The Lufkin, Texas, City Attorney put on a star-spangled necktie after Sept. 11, 2001. He said he'd wear it until Osama bin Laden was captured or dead. Six years later, the San Antonio Express-News reports Flournoy's tie is in tatters. It's so ugly he wears sweaters over it in summer. So now he's challenged bin Laden to prove he's still alive by this Sept. 11. Otherwise the tie comes off.

what an idiot! sorry about the name calling, but come on! where's the thinking on this one? number one...wearing a tie everyday for the past 6 years is already a bit silly, but then to 'challenge' someone, who obviously has an anger problem with the u.s., to prove he's alive? that's nice. where do folks get these ideas? and a city attorney no less?!? this kind of mentality scares me.

bummer

luciano pavarotti died this morning due to complications with his pancreatic cancer. i'm so bummed. he was brilliant. every time i hear nessun dorma, i cry.

here's the story at npr.

here's another video about his life.

i've been given a glimpse of what can be, but before i was able to touch it, it was taken away. sometimes i feel like i'm living in a bad joke or just being picked on. i get mad a lot. i get really angry if i'm being honest. i'll have a few really great days and then i wake up one morning and everything feels off. i try all day to get back on the right path. i pray, i call out, i cry, i scream. i do anything i can think of to get God's attention, but it seems as if nothing works. then i feel like a spoiled brat because i can't seem to wait for God to give me the blessings He wants me to have in His timing.

i want so much to be ok with what i have. i want to look at my life and feel blessed, because i am. tremendously. but honestly, some times i don't feel it. i wallow. which sucks. that's not me. i want to live each day to it's fullest, not think of all i've lost and keep throwing away my hope at each turn. this is so hard. i feel so kicked in, trampled down. well, i feel like shit. sorry...but i do. and i want to get over it. but i know it's not a switch i can turn off. i know it's only been 3 months, but it feels like a lifetime.

i'm not pregnant. another month and yet i'm not pregnant. i'm bummed. i yelled at God. i cried. i wallowed. and for what? nothing will change the fact that i'm not pregnant. i've had headaches and exhaustion for about 5 straight days now and i'm not pregnant. so, i need to focus on the future and not what could have been. which is easier than it looks. so i thought i'd give it a go with a few glasses of wine and a motrin. since i'd given both up about a week ago, it will be nice to relax with wine and have a non-throbbing head. and i'm looking forward to visiting wineries on our anniversary which i couldn't have done if i were pregnant.

i hope i can look forward instead of looking back. looking back is not good for me. i feel alone with God being so silent in my life. i wish i could take His face in my hands and force Him to look at me, force Him to speak...but, well...we all know i can't do that...so i guess i'll just stick to prayer.

tiffany gave me scripture the other day to memorize. i need to remember it.

Phillipians 4: 6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

i've had a peace the past few days that's been beautiful. i know a peace like this can only come from God. thank you, all of you, for you continued prayers and love. it seems when all my hope seems lost, i get rejuvenated again. i feel like God is totally protecting me. i know, mentally, that God only tests us as much as we can take, but it wasn't until now, that i whole heartily believed it.

some days i actually feel like i'm tilted over a cliff. all i can see is the ground below. no one is around to scream for help, i'm just there, in limbo, waiting to fall. and just as i sense the weightlessness of my belly, as you do when you lose your tummy on a roller coaster, i feel the tug of the rescue rope. it comes from out of nowhere, yet i know exactly who's pulling. one moment i feel as if i'm about to hit the bottom of the valley, and the next, i feel secure in a peaceful pasture.

the grace of God and your prayers have brought me here. and i thank you. more than words or hugs can express. i love you all. i truly do.