new years

31 December 2007

so another year passes us by. i thought we'd be celebrating a lot differently this year. it's strange to have pictured an event and see it happen so differently. instead of celebrating with an infant, we're celebrating with another pregnancy...and i thought i'd get to enjoy a few glass of champagne this year!

i think we're taking it slow tonight. steve's been fighting a cold the past few days so i think we're just hitting up some dinner with friends and then probably bringing in the new year at home watching dick clark. if we can stay up that late. yeah, we're lame.

happy new year every one. be safe and enjoy. hope to see ya all in the leap year.


i haven't been the best eater in this pregnancy. with Jorai, i was structured. i ate specific meals and made sure i got in enough fruit and veggies. every day i made sure of this.

i wish i was more determined to be healthy in this pregnancy. i don't know if it's the fear of losing this child too that keeps me from being a food nazi as i once was or what. i'm still taking care of myself, don't get me wrong, but i didn't eat any veggies yesterday until dinner when i realized it and downed some. as the day passes i have to think about how much water i've had and veggies and protein. it seems as if my diet this pregnancy has consisted of grains and cheese. i need to be more structured in my meal patterns. and exercise too. i just feel such a lack of motivation.

on the bright side, i've started to feel movement. little flips and swirls throughout the day. it's a nice feeling. it comforts me and reminds me of the joy steve and i use to have when we would feel Jorai. i can't wait until he starts to feel this new child. i think it's starting to hit him that i'm actually pregnant again. i'm showing a lot more and we're finishing up the nursery. i see him more excited and than brings me joy. i'm 17 weeks today. 3 weeks until our ultrasound. it seems as if the time is starting to speed up a bit. that's a nice change!

i've had 3 friends deliver in this month. crazy!

smila sol

27 December 2007

we just bought this at ikea for the nursery. it's a fixture for the ceiling light. i can't wait to install it. i'll post pictures when done.

we went on a huge ikea shopping spree on Christmas eve...which surprisingly was an amazing time to go. the place was deserted as far as ikea crowds go. it was amazing! anyway we bought new light fixtures for the entire house. hopefully steve and i won't electrocute ourselves as we try to install them!

bum genius clearance

**mood:good...a bit sleepy
**noise: my stomach

bum genius pocket diapers have come out with their 3rd version. which makes their second version on sale! although it looks like they've made some nice additions to the new version, the old ones are 3 bucks off! so i'm letting anyone who's interested in knowing, know...i know that both tree city diapers and jillians drawers have them on sale...some places don't! if you're interested, go check them out.

one cool thing about the new version, is that they come with both a newbie and the original insert. so that's cool. here's the version 3 site on jillian's drawers site...and here's the version 2 (on sale).


the quiet

26 December 2007

as much as i love Christmas and spending time with family, i'm glad it's all over. the past 3 1/2 days have been non-stop talking and family time, and i have to admit that it's amazingly refreshing to sit here in my nice quiet house and just be. it was a blast being with family and it went surprisingly well. though the quiet peacefulness of our home is welcoming and the fact that i get to sleep with my husband again, rather than being in separate twin beds, is nice.

it's good to be home.

and the bonus...2 of my friends have delivered within the past week! yea!!


17 December 2007

lost is retuning!!! for all you losties out there, abc has finally come out with the new date and time. thursdays 9pm. it's replacing greys...which i hear will be switching to wednesdays at 10. so yea! lost is coming back on january 31st!

party at the newmans for all who want to see the new season in.

now supposedly they only have 8 of the 16 episodes written and filmed. so lets hope there's a settlement to the writers strike!

but the question is... why is charlie in the ad?


have you ever been in a conversation with a group of people when someone close blurts out a comment that makes you cringe? and it not only makes you cringe but you can see the shock in other people's faces as well. as if they're thinking, did he just say what i think he said? and there's no way to cover the comment up. it's just there. lingering for all to hear. for all to know the truth.

that happened to me this weekend. i wish i could go into more detail, because it may resonate with some of you, but i can't. all i can say is that death brings the best out of some people and the worst out of others. i always thought that if i went through something super tragic, there would be certain people who would be there. this summer, i learned that what you think doesn't always happen. steve and i were amazed by the amount of support we got and continue to get from friends. but it was strange to see the people we thought would be there, weren't.

this weekend i was reminded of how distorted my view of certain people are. how i thought they were this amazing supportive, always by your side kind of person, but instead would choose a going on a trip instead of supporting someone they love though a very difficult time.

i guess it's a reminder to never put someone on a pedestal and never, never hold expectations...people are people and we all deal with hard situation differently. some choose to be amazingly supportive and loving and well, there. while others choose to leave or laugh or joke or ignore.


i've still only gained a pound...which just feels strange to me, because my belly has popped out and looks huge, and by this point in my last pregnancy i think i had gained about 7 pounds and i feel like i've gained weight...but the scale only shows 1 pound difference...strange...

but even though my weight gain has been slow, my hunger has been ravenous. what is it with a pregnant women's hunger that she can be satiated one moment, only to be ravenous the next?

i left
work to run an errand today around 11am. when i left, i was the point that the thought of food made me gag. about 20 minutes later, i was so ravenous that i felt nauseous. i needed food. i was close to taco bell, which is silly since i brought my lunch, but i had to eat at that second. so i ordered. when i got my nacho supreme, i couldn't get the lid off and got so frustrated that i about threw it against the wall so it would pop open. i was that hungry. don't worry, i got the top off just in time...

i can't describe the hunger when you're pregnant. it's just completely insatiable. it's ridiculous...

rent visit

16 December 2007

the visit with the rents went well. since this summer, we've been more's amazing how tragedy brings some people closer and some it pushes further away. the surprise went well. my mom was so excited to have wassail. the creme brulee was yummy but a bit grainy. i'm not sure why. it was a quick recipe to make so i think that it may have lost a little umph, but all in all, it was good.

we woke to a winter wonderland. it's gorgeous! we spent all morning just talking and enjoying each others company. it went well, which surprised me...but i'm not complaining! it's strange though, because they're leaving again on tuesday. i feel like they're hardly around before they take off again. they're gone now until late april...and then they're only back until the end of july before they leave again. i know my mom is starting to feel like she's away too much, but i sense that my father would love to be gone even longer. it's a strange feeling to know that my folks will be so far removed from our children. i think they should enjoy life to the fullest and do the things they love, but it's strange having them so far removed from our lives in a way. it's nice in an other way too...not as much guilt trips...but i will miss them. they're usually only around for 5 months out of the year. and that's split into 2 small trips back home. one in early summer and one in late fall.

maybe i'm just feeling melancholy a bit. with the loss of Jorai
this summer, i want to keep my family closer i guess. this pregnancy, although beautiful and wonderful, has had it's times of scariness and anxiety...i just wish i could have my family closer as i walk down this path filled with anticipation.

rent surprise

14 December 2007

my rents are coming up for a last visit before their trek down to arizona for the winter. as a holiday tradition, on Christmas eve, my mom always made wassail and after church we would all sit around a table of cookies and wassail and just, talk. this year she didn't make as a gift to them, i made it. i also made a Christmas grand marnier creme brulee... i hope it turns out...i've never made creme brulee before. but it looks yummy!

so yeah...i get to surprise them tomorrow night after church...which will be fun...i'm bringing them to times.

kick counter

13 December 2007

once you reach 26 weeks, you're suppose to count your babies kicks (movements). i didn't know this. not that it would have helped in Jorai's situation, but would have been nice if my dr. talked to me about it...and since he didn't, i feel the need to tell all of you. if you're pregnant or know someone who's pregnant, please read.

by 26 weeks, you should be feeling 10 baby movements in 2 hours. all babies are different, and some don't move this much, but the important thing is to keep track of it and if you notice a decrease in movement, call your dr. or go to the ER. it's better to be more cautious.

of course you can mentally keep track of movements, write them down on a piece of paper...or you can buy's pretty cool...check it out. and remember, keep track of those movements past 26 weeks. please. plus a portion of the proceeds from the sales will be donated back to the MISS Foundation in support of advocacy programs and education.

stats and legislation


i've been thinking about posting this for a while now, and i didn't want to, because of all my pregnant friends out there. but i think it's important to post.

michigan is one of many states that don't issue a birth certificate for a stillborn child. in my opinion there are 2 major problems with this.

1. it dehumanizes your child. it says that you never had a child. what's the difference between a child who takes 1 breath out of your body and a child that never takes a breath? aren't they both children?

2. because a birth certificate is not issued, the child never existed in the view of medical studies. 21 states issue birth certificates for stillborns. therefore all the other stillbirths in the states that don't offer birth certificates, do not get placed in medical studies. there are around 30,000 stillbirths in the US every year. that rate is 3 times the SIDS rate, yet most of the births are not placed in studies. how can we learn how to prevent stillborn births, if they aren't studied?

here are some stats;

  1. stillbirth is the unintentional death of an unborn baby who has passed 20 completed gestational weeks as defined by the NICHD. These are not early losses or miscarriages. Rather these are the births of dead babies;
  2. between 25,000-30,000 babies are stillborn in the U.S. each year, one in 100 pregnancies. Most occur at or near full term to otherwise apparently healthy babies;
  3. approximately 40% of stillbirths occur with no diagnosable cause of death.
  4. there is a bill that is being proposed to states that don't currently issue certificates of birth that can establish a law to provide a “Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth” as an optional document for families.
  5. other countries including the United Kingdom, Australia, and Ireland already issue certificates of birth for stillborn babies.
  6. the bill has been passed in 15 U.S. states, and legislation is currently pending in more than five states.
  7. michigan is not one of these states.
  8. a baby born at 19 weeks gestation, pre-viability, but who takes one breath is issued a Certificate of Live Birth and is counted in infant mortality rates.
  9. conversely, a baby born at 40 weeks gestation and past viability can die just one second prior to birth, will only receive a death certificate, and is not counted in infant mortality statistics.
for more information please visit the
MISS foundation website

medical professionals


what is it with medical professionals losing their ability to relate to the general public? i see it all the time. i work with medical professionals. they're always using medical terms to people who don't understand medical terms or when medical terms aren't warranted. does it make them feel more important, or have they lost the ability to relate on a human level?

last week at the doctors office, i was talking to the nurse about my fear of taking drugs/vaccinations. i was telling her that i wanted to talk to the dr. about the necessity of getting the flu shot, because although i think it could be important, after losing our child, i'm afraid to take anything. she looks at me and says 'so you want to ask the dr. how important it is to get the flu shot because after your fetal demise, you're afraid to take medications.'.

'fetal demise'

i believe that steve and i had a child. a beautiful child. she may have come still into this world, but she was still a child. our child. i don't consider our child, our Jorai, a 'fetal demise'. and i have to say that i was severely disgusted with her comment. as if Jorai was a condition i had at one time, not a child.

why do most medical professionals go there? why do they depersonalize your life? when she said those 2 words, i was so taken aback that i didn't say anything. but i'm going to mention something to my dr. the next time i have an appointment. they need to realize how that comes across. especially to someone who has lost a child. whether they were lost in utero, right after birth, or at age 20...that child is still a child to the parents. they aren't a medical condition. Jorai wasn't a fetal demise. she was a child, a daughter and now a sister. she was loved and wanted and is mourned. she is a part of her father and i. don't disregard that.

i'm a complete nutter

12 December 2007

this afternoon i went Christmas/kim shopping. while in targ. i went looking for the new harry potter dvd. i saw the order of the phoenix and thought, why are they re-releasing old h.p. dvds? i looked and looked but couldn't find the deathly i went to meijer, again, they had the order of the phoenix, but no deathly would have thought that after 2 stores, i would have been clued in...but no. so i came home and searched h.p. dvds...and then it hit me...they're only on the 5 book dvd release. oye! i knew that, but in my nutty brain, it just didn't register. i kept looking for the last book...not the latest movie. so now, i have to go back to targ. i seriously have problems. seriously. i frighten myself.

i have issues

10 December 2007

i like grocery shopping with my husband. he really doesn't like to go all that much...but i love it when he does. my problem is that he likes tortilla chips. i like chips too, but to keep them out of my house and thus my mouth, i avoid the chip aisle. i can handle tortilla chips in my home because i'm not a huge fan, but it's the other chips, the greasy ones that have flavors. the really bad ones. i love them. when they're in the house, that's all i eat.

steve went shopping with me last night. he also went down the chip aisle. since i was pushing the cart, i followed him. i came home with cheddar cheese pringles. they're almost gone. in 24 hours they're almost gone. this is why i avoid the chip aisle.

due dates


i have friends who got pregnant while i was in my 4h and 5th month who are almost ready to deliver. although i'm happy for them, at times i feel like a 5 year old that wants to scream 'but, it's not fair!'.

it's just so strange to have so many dreams and plans wrapped around something one moment only to have to
let go of them, the next. and to look into the future to now see other people celebrating their babies birth as you can only look back to remember what you've lost. i mean, i'm hopeful to deliver this baby, but it's so different this time around. i'm excited but i'm also just waiting for the shoe to drop, so to speak. so the first thing i think of, is my loss not my gain. maybe it's because it's still so raw and fresh too. i don't know.

it's just hard to see all these women deliver healthy, screaming babies and remember that my baby girl came so silent. i'm truly excited for my friends, but their joy, tugs a bit at my heart.

tv junkie

i've been getting into the amazing race this year. i usually don't watch it because it seems like the couples are always yelling at and calling each other names. it's annoying. and yes, this year is no exception...but there is a bonus. there's a sweet goth couple in the race, kynt and vyxsin.they rarely argue, although it looks like they may have a argument in next weeks episode...and they're just so much fun to watch! plus, kynt calls vyxsin his cute little kitten. too funny!


08 December 2007

thanks for all your suggestions...we're switching to auto owners insurance. it'll save us $90/yr on homeowners insurance and $100/yr on car. that makes me a bit happier. what's silly though is spending $600/yr or plpd car insurance for 2 makes me want to go rogue and not have insurance.


i've noticed in the past week or so that i can't do the things i've been getting use to again these past 6 months. like bend over normal, or sit on the ground doing crafts. now if i sit too long on the floor, my back kills and the whole bending over thing is surprising since my belly isn't huge yet, but it's just big enough that it makes it difficult to bend over. i have to spread my legs apart when sitting, so my belly has a crevice to fall into. if i forget, i feel this really strange pressure and twinge that reminds me that i have a growing child within me.

my pants are getting tight and my shirts/sweaters don't fit. all my preggo clothes were springy/summery i went out yesterday and got a few shirts. i'd love to find a sweater that doesn't make me look like a tent. i need some luck with that one!

i went to refill my asthma medication the other day and found that they won't refill it because the insurance company wants me to try a steroidal inhaler before covering singular. my predictions is that singular is expensive, and since insurance companies only care about money, they don't want to prescribe it. the problem is that i've tried other drugs without they want a pregnant woman with asthma to go off her medication. that's doctors office is trying to work it out...we'll of wednesday, i'm out of asthma medication. this should be fun.

other than that, all is well. steve keeps being called into work. so that sucks. i hate him having to go in every hour for a silly paper jam. it's nice pay, but he has no time to relax during the weekend. i feel bad.

le bebe news

06 December 2007

i've made it into the second trimester! i've 'popped', i've never understood that expression, but i have and we had our 13 week appointment yesterday where we got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. i can't begin to express how that sound made us feel. all i can say was that life has returned! it has been 6 months since we last heard those tiny beats and it was simply amazing. so, i just wanted to tell you that every thing looks good. the heart beat was strong and fast...which goes along with my girl prediction... our dr. kept the doppler honed right on the babe's heart for about 3 minutes. i think it was a wonderful sound for all 3 of us!

here's what the kiddo probably looks like...

call me crazy

04 December 2007


but i think i've been feeling the baby move all day. i know it's soon. i'm only 13 weeks so i'm about 2 weeks early than the 'typical' mother. but i feel the fluttering and kicks low in my belly...down 'there'...not really in my tummy or off to the side. and it keeps happening in the same spot.

it so wonderful to feel life within me again. the 2 days i carried Jorai, where she was lifeless, was a feeling i can't describe to anyone. it was simply death. to feel life within me again, brings me a joy i'll never get tired of.

call for help

who do you use for your auto and house insurance company? i think we may be paying way too much...


my so called life

03 December 2007

the year after i graduated a new show aired called my so called life. this show may just possibly be the first show that made sense to me. being just out of high school i completely related to the characters and i could see myself in the main character, angela. the show only aired for 19 episodes. a major disappointment. it touched on subjects that no other show really touched on. things like child abuse, homophobia, teenage alcoholism and drug abuse, homelessness, adultery, school violence, and censorship. it was one of those shows that meant something. i've been wanting to get my hands of the series for a while now, but ultimately keep forgetting about it.

today, during my lunch, i didn't want to deal with the weather, so i decided to see what i could watch on abc. as i was scrolling through the shows, i was dumbfounded to see my so called life in the mix. i'm now wondering if it has to do with the writers strike. maybe they want other shows to feed through the internet. but i don't care what the reason is. my so called life is available. right now it's just the pilot, but it was so cool to catch it again. such a great show!


02 December 2007


i was able to hold a 9 day old baby last night. i can't begin to explain the joy that was. i mean, i've held other babies before i lost Jorai, but none of them made me feel this way. i got to hold an other baby earlier in my pregnancy as well, but i think because tomorrow i hit my second trimester and some of my worries are gone, holding that baby made me realize that there is a huge possibility that in 6 months, steve and i'll be holding our 1 week old child. looking down at that little miracle, feeling her weight and warmth, helped me to realize that it's still possible for us.

when that baby was placed in my arms, a spark ran through me. later, as i tried to sit and listen to the message at riv, my mind was rushing with excitement and wonder of what may lay ahead of us in a few short months. i was excited. an excitement that didn't have dread attached to it. just pure life. and breath. and warmth and weight. i could have held that child for hours.

last night in my dreams, i had another dream that steve and i had a baby girl. this time she had blond hair, but it was still curly and long. ohhh and teeth. too funny. it may had something to do with a little girl in church last night. she reminded me of what Jorai may have looked like, but she had this fine curly blond hair.

baby sex predictions as of this afternoon...i think it's a girl...a little selah mae??? or will it be a boy? a little asa or asher paul?

my bets are on a girl today.

car talk

01 December 2007

the other day, steve and i were talking about buying an xb, they're hard to find used and we definitely want a used one, the older model gets a lot better gas mileage plus the new model blacks out the 2 rear windows making a huge blind spot. plus i think the new style is we want an older one. since i've been excited about the possibility of getting a newer car, i've been looking around and have noticed, they're few and far between. i guess people really like them because they're hard to find. because of this i think i've talked steve into starting our search, because by the time we actually find the right car, we may already have a child...

any we were having this discussion, steve asked, 'well, which one of us will be driving the xb?'. i said that i just assumed since i'd have the kid, that i'd be driving the newer car for the most part...but i quickly added in there 'but i guess i just assumed that...we could always share the xb...' his response was 'oh'...when i asked what his thoughts were he said 'ya know, i just don't think i'm ready to drive your car.'

there ya have it husband is too manly for my car. i think i'm going to have to razz him about this for awhile.