steve and i figured that we should start looking for pediatricians. we've talked to a few people, but i know there are quite a few ma's and pa's out there in the lansing area, that would be willing to give us some advice. so here's the questions:
who do you take your kids to?thanks in advance for giving us the info...this whole parenting thing is pretty scary! we hadn't even started looking before we lost Jorai and i know it's super important to find one before the birth...so i guess now's a good time.
would you recommend them to others?
are there any pros/cons for your ped.?
31 January 2008
steve and i figured that we should start looking for pediatricians. we've talked to a few people, but i know there are quite a few ma's and pa's out there in the lansing area, that would be willing to give us some advice. so here's the questions:
29 January 2008
when i work in charlotte my office faces the clinic scale. every client that comes in, gets weighted. in a way i feel like i'm violating their privacy. just now the following conversation took place as a gentleman walked though the door and stepped onto the scale:
client: the past week i've been on the corn pop diet, i wonder if i've lost any weight.'hmmm...corn pops...with my love of sugared cereal, maybe i should give it a go in june... :-) too funny. i hear the most interesting things at work!
nurse: 'corn pops? how's that going?'
client: 'all i eat is corn pops. i'm getting really sick of them.'
who would have thought that being kicked or punched or head butted in the gut, would make me feel joy and that all my fears would dissipate.
oh, the power of children.
most of the time, this baby is a mover and a shaker. but on days like today when i haven't felt movement yet, i get freaked out. each second seems like an eternity as i sit here waiting to feel the child move. i poke and prod myself, trying to get movement, but still, nothing. i know i'm being a basket case. i'm only 21 weeks along so i'll feel movement some times and nothing at other times, but to be honest, my mind always goes to loss.
the idea of losing another child haunts me. the thought of losing this child is ever present in my mind. i see other pregnancies progress and internally think that will never be me. i know that's a crappy thing to think about. but it's true. i'm excited for this pregnancy. i look forward to meeting this child and kissing their warm skin. but there are times that creep into my mind where i think it won't happen. that there will be another still and silent birth. i hate feeling this way. but with every cramp or stillness, that's where my mind goes.
i wish i could push these thoughts away. i want to be positive all the time. i want to have faith that all will go well. every day, i want to look to the future and imagine the nursery filled with the smells and sounds of a child. most days, i'm positive. but there are some that haunt me to no end.
i saw steve staring into the nursery this morning. when i asked him what he was thinking, he admitted that his thoughts were on Jorai and how we designed this nursery around the dreams of her. it was the first time he had talked to me about her in months. it reminded me that his thoughts are still with her. though he may not speak of her often, she's still with him. his thoughts gave me both comfort and sadness at the same time. comfort that Jorai is still in both of our hearts. that he still thinks of her. and sadness, remembering painting and setting up the nursery. picking out the crib and diapers and pictures...those were suppose to be hers. and though they will be her brothers or sisters in june...they were originally hers. and she never got to see this room, feel it's softness and know her parents.
the pain is still so fresh. it hides well, but then out of nowhere it resurfaces. it's been almost 7 months since we've lost her. 7 months. some days it feels as if it were yesterday, while others seem like it's been years. and as another child grows within me, i'm excited once again for the possibility of mothering a child. watching steve father a child. he will be such an amazing father. i can't wait to see him look down at our child with tears of joy rather than tears of sorrow. i can't wait to see him look at our child with his huge teethy smile. nothing would be better than to see him in that moment. i need to hold onto that dream. the dream of seeing his face. the face of wonderment and excitement with a small spattering of 'oh crap, what do we do now?'. i need to let go of my fears and hold onto his face. the face i hope to one day see.
28 January 2008
this is a prime example of why i hated Christians, why i hated the church. i get so tired of one 'christian' organization bashing another. what does this do? do you honestly think that by bashing an organization that reaches out to the unloved, it will help them someone see the love of Christ? it always brings me back to the day i was walking into a porno for pyro's concert while i was getting lambasted by 'christians' telling me that i was
going to hell. great. that helps me. that shows me love.
this crap happens every friggin' day. it really frustrates me. and then we have these way of the master guys. get of your pedestal and look at the log in your own eye. sorry. this stuff just really pisses me off.
i was going to copy the video here, but i'm just so disgusted, i'm not going to. if you want to see the video of kirk camerons 'christian' organization bashing the amazing work that XXXchurch does, it's here.
ya know, if you don't agree with certain Christian organizations, that's fine. you're not going to buy into everything Christian you see. there are many i don't buy into. but i don't go around lambasting them. just because i don't see Christ in their ministry, doesn't mean that someone who might really need some love will come along and see Christ in their message. Christ can't be put in a box. He's all things for all people. some people see that. others don't. but someday they may. and who am i to say that one organization is better at bringing the Word to their hearts than another? i don't see many Christians who go get into the gutter as much as XXXchurch does. i don't see many Christians who show the unloved, as much love as they do either.
maybe it's time to stop spending time pointing the finger at other people, and start loving one another, and most importantly, meeting people where they are today.
Matthew 22: 37-40
Jesus replied, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."
27 January 2008
to the 2-hour lost premiere...this thursday, 8pm. come bring in the new season at the newmans. popcorn will be flying of course. we've lost all of our original group. everyone seems to be moving away, so we're wanting to start a new group. you know you want to.
we haven't been singing worship much...either we're greeting or communing with friends, but tonight we made it a point to go in and worship before noel taught. which was amazing by the way!! both before and after the teaching, songs made me break down. it all started with the song 'blessed be His name'. i was fine until the words 'He gives and takes away' hit my lips. here i stood. pregnant. baby kicking me as i sang and realizing that He gave us this child just as lovingly as He took our last. it was heartbreaking and breathtaking at the same time. it was at the moment that i remembered how much He loves me. which doesn't make sense to many people....i mean how many someone love me and take my child from me at the same time. but i just know that He does. it just makes sense to me. and though i want my beautiful little girl in my arms right now, she's in heaven. she won't ever feel the harsh realities of this world. she'll never know the darkness, the evilness. she'll forever be pure and she gets to bask in the light of Jesus's face...which brings me to the second song that got me...all my tears by julie miller. ugh.
my throat hurts. i'm not happy. i really don't want to get sick. i've been laying low all day. sleeping on and off. i actually feel ok, but my left lymph node is swollen and tender. argh.
24 January 2008
one thing i don't like about pregnancy...
i cannot express to you enough, how breath taking it is to feel this baby moving within me. the stillness of Jorai still haunts me. knowing something was wrong in june, no movements for a while...but not wanting to grasp the reality of her loss. it's hard to describe being so elated one moment and so empty the next. my belly, although held our child since september, still felt empty to me until i started feeling movement. it wasn't that i wasn't excited to be pregnant, or looking forward to this child's birth...it was just that i went from a beautiful pregnancy in may to utter despair and stillness in june. from june until january, i was healing and then trying to conceive and then the realization hit that i was pregnant...so i was excited and filled with joy yet anxious and scared and uneasy. all of those things, i still am...but my belly is different. my belly, is no longer still.
i was on one of my favorite organic baby sites today when i realized they had items to 'help comfort' women who have gone through a loss. i thought it was really cool. i then started poking around and found that this site, that i've been on tons of times before, have a whole listing of loss resources. one of them was now i lay me down to sleep, which is an amazing organization that will come to you and take professional photos of you and your child for free. also on their site, is a page that helps give you ideas of how to help someone grieve. that was one of the biggest questions we got after the initial wave of grief had left, 'what do you suggest people do if someone they know goes though a loss?'.
every one is different. every one deals with loss differently. my brother, for example, never came to see us. in fact, he didn't call us for over a week and then he just tried to make jokes. he later told me that he was too bust with his 1 yr old. we haven't had the same relationship since. just recently, one of his best friends was in a car accident. his wife and son where really hurt and are currently in wheelchairs. sadly, his daughter died. this happened a week before Christmas. my brother didn't go to the funeral and my mom had to pressure him to call his best friend to offer his condolences. i guess why i'm telling this is to say that this is NOT the way to handle death.
steve and i just struggled with talking to someone who went through a loss. our immediate words where...'what do i say?'...and then it hit us, it doesn't matter what you say. it matters that you picked up that phone, or typed that email, sent a card, brought a meal. it matters that you care enough to say 'i'm so sorry, you're in my thoughts and prayers.' that short simple statement, that's a great start.
i can't tell you how much it means to me when i hear that people are still praying for us. the pain we felt, losing our daughter was raw and all consuming. and all i can truthfully say, is that without God, my husband and all of our family and friends praying for us, i seriously don't think i would have made it. my loss still pains me. but all those thoughts and prayers continue to pull me through.
so i thought that since i found this site and people and even myself are always asking, 'what can i do?', i figured that i needed to share it. so, anyway, if you're interested, here are ways to reach out to someone who has gone through a loss.
23 January 2008
this morning my neighbor woke me from a sound sleep because he thought it would be a marvelous idea to blow the snow off his driveway and sidewalk with a high power leaf blower. tonight, since it snowed all day, he's out there again, blowing away. blowing it! it's powder. it doesn't take much to shovel. i mean, i did it this morning and i'm preggo.
22 January 2008
why doesn't lansing have better shopping options? we're the capitol of mi. we have many a healthy beatnik folk running the streets...so why don't we have more of a natural hub of expertise around these parts? i'm starting to want to live around d-town for the shear ability to have opportunities...
things that should come to lansing...
trader joes. why don't we have one? ann arbor has one, d-town has many...how did lansing get missed. sure, we have better heath food and foods for living that will rake you over the coals after they take all your money. i just spent $3.50 for a bag of cereal. when i opened it, there was only half a bag of actual cereal...i got 3 bowls out of it. what's up with that? and we do have the co-op...which is lovely, but not well stocked and high priced as well. but local, so that's cool!
if not trader joes, why not whole foods. yeah, they're expensive, but talk about variety! come on!!
and then where are our natural baby stores. i am so sick of babies r us. we had a store, kinda...called basically babies..which was really just a glorified baby toy store and not surprisingly has since gone under with their lack of supplies and customer service. but seriously, other than shopping online or making a trip to grand rapids, ann arbor or detroit, where does one buy cloth diapers, baby organics and bottles without all the chemicals?
i just don't understand the lansing area....we have so much more than the smaller towns surrounding us, yet we're still lacking big time on organics and natural goods. and we're the agricultural hub. it makes me sad. i'd open a store if i had the gusto...
in saying this...i have to make a trader joes run soon. maybe next week. anyone interested in car-pooling?
21 January 2008
we had our ultrasound today. it was so cool. this child is such a mover, the ultrasound tech had a hard time getting a piture! we had quite a few really cool pics of Jorai. with this child we have 3 and 2 are about the same! too funny. i keep telling steve our child's moving around, kicking and punching me...i think he was starting not to belive me since he can't feel anything yet. but when he saw that child on the screen,moving all over the place, he was amazed.
18 January 2008
i keep having dreams where steve either leaves our marriage or is having an affair. and they're super real. i wake up exhausted because i've been crying and yelling and trying to understand, the entire night. last night he was laughing at me as he was leaving. and i would wake up, hurt and exhausted, to only fall right back into the same dream. they are horrible. and i don't understand why i keep having them. i mean, i've read that it's normal to have dreams like this, but it's also normal to have sex dreams and baby dreams. why can't i have a little sex in my dream? huh? or a baby dream like i use to in my first trimester. all i'm getting are horrible, gut retching dreams of my husband laughing at and leaving me.
i'm sad. and tired. i finally just got up to stop the dream cycles. i think i'm going to be a bit snarky today.
17 January 2008
so much so that one leg was longer than the other. she fixed it about 50% but she didn't want to go any further...so now i get to go to p.t. over the next month.
it already feels better. the pain and pressure is still there, but not as much as it was. i'm happy.
well, my hands did. of course i've been feeling movements internally for a bit now, but last night and then this morning as i was lying in bed on my back with my hands on my belly, and i felt out little miracle move! this makes me uber excited because that means that steve will finally be able to enjoy the movement as well. yea!
also, wish me luck. i'm off to the d.o. to get my pelvis manipulated. let's see if it works.
15 January 2008
has anyone used adsense before? i was thinking of giving it a go, seeing that you can make a little extra coin. but i wasn't sure if it was worth it or not.
let me know...
14 January 2008
the topic of holding a baby shower for some one's second baby has recently come up. i found out that it's 'poo pooed' upon to have a baby shower for the second baby. i want to know what's up with that?!?
babies should be celebrated no matter what order then come in and i personally think that the pregnant woman, should be pampered a bit too. pregnancy is hard. being a parent is hard. and all children all a blessing. so where does it come from to only have one shower?
i could understand if you don't have a traditional shower with all the baby gear, but at least you can celebrate the mom and the new baby. celebrate the gift and miracle of pregnancy and labor and a baby coming into the world!
i vow to celebrate every pregnancy, every baby. i'm putting an end to only celebrating the 1st babe. come on ladies, make babies! let's have a party!!
yesterday i made hungarian mushroom soup. very yummy, very creamy, huge chucks of mushroom with paprika and dill. it was my first soup of the winter. i need to make more soup. i have a potato kale that's yummy too. anyway, around 7ish, i started to crave a particular item.
cupcakes. why cupcakes, i have no idea. i never eat cupcakes...i think i'm going to blame monaca, since she and will were talking about eating cupcakes the other day...but whatever the reason, i was craving them. i ran upstairs because i thought i had a leftover box of organic cake from our wedding...yeah, our wedding...anyway, it wasn't cake...it was frosting. but that didn't stop me, which brings me to my title.
never underestimate the power of a pregnant womens craving
did i just go for a bowl of ice-cream? maybe a bowl of cereal? NO. even after i made a large supper from scratch...even after i new i didn't have a quick way to make cupcakes, i still made them. i made them from scratch even! chocolate cupcakes. i did use the organic boxed frosting, which was surprisingly too sweet, so i've been enjoying just the cupcakes. they're lovely. i've never made cupcakes before. and i did have a small mishap with over filling the cupcake tins. i'm used to making muffins! muffins don't fluff like cupcakes do...so i have a burnt layer of cupcake matter on the bottom of the oven. oh well, it was worth it. the cupcakes were yummy!!!
and what did i have for lunch today? hungarian mushroom soup and a cupcake! don't worry, i'm eating my veggies right now as a snack...ahh the power of cravings...
13 January 2008
sir edmund hillary died last friday. he was only 88. npr did a nice little piece on him. if you don't know who he is, he was the first person to ever summit everest. he did it with his sherpa in 1953. after the summit he began his humanitarian work for the sherpa people in the himalayas. he established the himalayan trust in the early 1960s and worked until his death to raise funds and build schools and hospitals in the mountains. he was a pretty amazing bloke.
he was the most well respected persons in new zealand. here's their coverage.
11 January 2008
so i decided to pull out the vita mix yesterday to make a smoothie. it turned out to be one yummy smoothie. i threw in some milk and soft tofu, a banana, some frozen raspberries and a few frozen peach slices. steve thought it was the creamiest smoothie he'd ever had. it was pretty yummy.
i just made a chocolate banana shake. that was pretty naughty too. so, does it make it better that i put a banana in it? by doing that, did it take some of the bad stuff away?
yesterday, jen called and asked if we wanted free tickets to the 25th annual putnam county spelling bee. i wasn't sure about it. i didn't know how good a musical about a spelling bee could be, but i figured they were free and steve and i need to be getting out and enjoying dates before the baby comes, so we took them.
we were just excited to get out of the house, but as we showed our tickets to the usher, he said 'wow!, you're all they way in front!'. thinking we didn't hear him quite right, and that we were just up front...we made our way down. we were amazed to find out that not counting the 3 front haughty taughty rows, we were in the first normal row and smack dab in the middle. the seats were amazing.
and the show? amazing. we were laughing the entire time. if you can, i'd recommend seeing it. there were a few crudeish scenes, if that bothers you...but all in all, it was great. the cast is only made up of 9 people and then they bring 3 people from the audience up. here's a video.
thank you jen and the ticket lady!!! we had a blast!
09 January 2008
after searching for over an hour in babies r us for registry items today, my sweet tooth was ranging. thinking that cold stone was just up the street, i started thinking of a chocolate milkshake. of course my anticipation grew as i neared the store but it came crashing to a hault when the store looked dark. could they be closed? it was 2:30pm...how could it be closed. the hours said that they should be open, there were no postings on the door telling me differently...so i got out of my car and went to open the door.
locked. you've got to be kidding me?
again! my craving will not be satisfied. blasted!!! is God trying to tell me to lay off the snacks or what?!?!
pissed off, i drove all the way to frador so i could go to baskin robbins. my shake wasn't very good. but i still got to partake in my craving.
stinking cold stone.
08 January 2008
~WARNING~ the below talks about pregnancy craziness
ok, so last night i felt my under wire bra cutting into me. which isn't fun. but i thought it was strange, seeing this is a nice bra. never had a problem with it. but i do wear it a lot so i just though that maybe it's just seen it's better days.
but of course i still put it on this morning. and around noon, i felt some major bra pressure so i took a look...there was a deep red line circumferencing my torso. is that the right word? anyway...i have a sneaky suspicion that my milk is coming in. guess it's time for a bigger bra!
so why am i blogging about this?
i find the miracle of pregnancy and birth fascinating. and for any woman who has gone through either and still believes there's no God, her disbelief baffles me. for any man who has witnessed their significant other progressing though a pregnancy and then have held his newborn baby and still believes there's no God, his disbelief baffles me. my brothers believe in evolution. that baffles me. how can a man and women have sex with all the wetness and stuff and then poof...a beautiful child is born? how can you witness all the crazy changes a woman goes through and how that amazingly crafted child is born and still not believe?
within 1 day, my girls went from normal to momma boobs. yesterday, i wasn't feeling the baby move much, today she's moving like a butterfly swimmer. the changes a woman goes through in pregnancy is amazing. it's indescribable.
that's why i'm talking about my girls. each little change, reminds me that God is using my body to create life. how cool is that!
into my mind, the i don't ask it for much. i think in the 3 years that i've worked here i've asked the local vending machine maybe 5 or 6 times for a treat. that's all... today as a craving hit and my justification of losing the few pounds that i had gained creeped into my mind, the cheeto craving won. as i walked down to the vending machine with my crisp dollar in hand, my anticipation flew high...it will be a nice crunchy and salty snack. and even though it's exuberant price made me cringe, i couldn't deny the craving. so i inserted my dollar and pushed the a and 4 buttons as my mouth began to salivate. and what do i get? do i hear the little metal bracket swivel the yummy package open and see it falls to my open little hands. oh no. see the machine is against me. instead i hear a beep and the machine tells me to make another selection. make another selection? what? there they are. sitting there behind the glass divider. staring at me. tempting me. i don't want another selection. can't you tell i'm pregnant! i want cheetos! so thinking that maybe i just punched in the wrong numbers, i tried again...but of course, to no avail. i tried about 6 more times. ohh...and then i hit the machine. yeah, that helps!
so, i tried the fritos. same answer. then the doritos...yeah, same answer. as you could tell, i am aggravated by this point. defeated, i asked for my change...it wouldn't give it back to me! so now i have to choose something crappy that i don't want and don't need.
in the end, i went to that crappy friggin' machine to get cheetos, but i left with fruit snacks. yes, fruit snacks.
i'm not a happy camper.
07 January 2008
so i'm 18 weeks. the weeks are coming a bit faster now, as are the aches and pains, but i can deal! i have a strange pressure feeling in my lower areas (enough explanation) that makes it feels as if this lil' babe is just falling out. which is scary, but from what i hear, not a big deal...though i'm going to have the doc check my areas quite thoroughly to make sure all is where it should be. the pressure comes and goes...so it should be ok.
i've also lost the whole 2 pounds that i had originally gained, which sucks. i thought i was doing good. my front is definitely growing, so it's strange to see and feel my girth yet not have it register on the scales. and i thought this holiday season had put on a few pounds...and seeing that i ate almost a half gallon of ice cream this weekend, you would think that would also kick on some weight...not that i'm complaining!!! but i do still worry about this child.
i hate worrying. i wish i could give it all up to the Man, but i can't. which is silly. my worry is not going to help anything. and i know this. i tell myself this every day...but still i worry on. in fact to be quite honest, i almost don't want to go to the dr. on friday because i fear that i'll be lying there as she tries desperately to find the heartbeat, and just like in june, there will only be silence. that scene haunts me. but then i shake myself and realize that these thoughts are silly. which they are. but they're still there.
i'll give you all an update on friday.
04 January 2008
i'm a kroger shopper. i used to think that the were a bit higher at times and they seem not to have a great selection...but that's where i go. i do like meijer, but i cannot stand the south cedar one. it's always a zoo and it seems the prices are high and the people are rude. but i kept hearing to give it a go during the day. i heard that it wasn't as busy and they have a decent supply of organics. they do have a decent supply of organics, but they're expensive and the store is crammed. i was walking through that store this morning, trying my hardest to shop and i felt so rushed because people were shoving me out of the way, i just about ran out screaming. to top it off...none of their ice cream was on sale! how can that be? then, as i was checking out with my cloth bags, the checker lady seemed not to know how to handle cloth bags. as if she thought that you had to handle them differently than the plastic ones. it took her about 15 minutes to check me out and bag my groceries. i felt bad for the folks behind me. so i give up on meijer on south cedar. i'l go there if i need a few things, but for most of my shopping, i've realized just how much i like kroger. and they always have ice cream on sale. that's a huge bonus. i lika the ice cream. now i have to drive to krog. to retrieve some ice cream!
03 January 2008
have you ever had one of those moments when all of a sudden you feel completely blessed and totally unworthy at the same time? right now, i feel that way. steve and i have wanted to do a few things around the house and maybe get a new washer/dryer, but they all cost money and well...we hate dipping into savings for things we want but don't necessarily need... and for Christmas, both sets of parents gave us a nice chuck of change to put towards stuff. we felt so blessed. then, i've been thinking about getting a new rocker for the nursery. i've heard they're nice to have, but they're expensive and i wasn't sure if it would be worth it. but at a friends house a few weeks back, i found out they had one they were going to sell, and when i asked them how much they wanted for it they wouldn't take anything. so we got a nice and free glider. then i just returned from a friends house who had delivered her baby boy a little over a week ago and she gave me tons of clothes. i haven't been able to fit into my old maternity/transition clothes so this was a huge help. and i though i was just going to get a few items, but the bag was loaded.
i just feel l like people keep blessing us with stuff and it's amazing. i feel completely unworthy to get it, but totally blessed at the same time. i'm just so thankful.