i wanna have a girls night full of dancing at spiral...any takers? i need to get out and shaka my rump shaka.
31 January 2009
30 January 2009
have you ever felt like you're just an afterthought?
lately, i've felt as if i'm invisible. i feel used and abused. i hate it. i'm fighting the feeling. i have been for awhile. i love being at home. i love watching asher grow and learn and i truly wouldn't want it any other way. i say that with all sincerity and honesty. but lately, i don't feel like a wife or a friend or a sister or daughter. sometimes i don't even feel like mama. i feel like a rug. i nurse and change and feed and change and dress and clean up puke and pee and poop off the floor. i change and wash and do dishes and make dinner and clean up the dishes and do more cleaning and do the laundry and change...then i nurse my son to sleep and breathe a sigh of relief for 15 minutes before i clean and fold and stuff diapers and organize...the list goes on and on.
i was telling steve the other day how i'm feeling more like his roommate than wife. and i know this is a phase. i know things will settle down, but yesterday and today, i've had enough. i'm empty. i feel like i can't take take another minute....but then asher looks at me and smiles or zerberts or kisses me or i hear him laugh in the other room.
a part of me wants to hire a maid. is that horrible of me? we would never be able to afford it, but that's what i want. it's not taking care of asher that's draining me, it everything else. it's knowing if i don't do all the crap i don't want to do tonight, it will double tomorrow. let alone knowing that company will arrive at 9:30am and if i don't pick up, the house will look like crap. maybe i just need an attitude adjustment right now. i haven't had a day away in months. not even a 3 hour break. i'm going shopping tomorrow...not that i need anything or can afford anything, nor do i even really want to shop, but i have to get out of this house. maybe it's just winter and the fact that it's so much harder to get outside. i don't know.
whatever the reason, tonight i just feel like crying. i feel like a good cry would feel wonderful. steve's leaving for some party, so when he leaves, i'm going to stuff my face with brownies and wine and then crawl into a steaming hot shower and cry.
i don't like feeling like this. i feel like a complainer. like i don't feel blessed for what i've been given in life. i do feel blessed. i'm just wasted. emotionally, physically. i'm mrs. cranky mc'crankers and i hate it. i'm a snarky lil'crabgrumpkins and i need to snap out of it. how do i let it all go? i'm usually so easy going, but right now, not so much. what's going on with me? being a mama is so hard.
asher's now 34 weeks 3 days. so roughly 7 1/2 months. crazy! 8 months ago i was pregnant. that is just crazy to me. i can't even think to what my life was like before a living baby graced my life. talk about change! i thought i'd start doing updates here to keep my friends and family in the know about all of asher's doings. so here we go...
- asher now laughs at himself in pictures. i'm not sure if he knows it's him or if he thinks a baby is walking through the wall, but whatever the case, he laughs at them
- he now zerberts, a lot. and he particularly likes to do it with a mouthful of yogurt. fun times.
- all of a sudden he'll burst into bouts of laughter. but not belly rolling laughter. it's more like 1 deep chuckle. then he'll wait for a few seconds and do it again. he'll just stare off in space and do it over and over again.
- he's a chatterbox in the mornings and after eating. he talks and talks and screams and talks. it's hilarious.
- he bites me. a lot. i think he's actually trying to kiss me because he only does it when he hugs me and it's only on my cheeks or chin, but he likes to use his new teeth. i'm trying to stop him, but to no avail. plus, i secretly like the kisses.
- he also likes to grab, pull and pinch. yes, we have a brute on our hands.
- he has a major personal space thing going on with every one except me, steve and of course, his girlfriend hazel, whom he likes to hold hands with. yup, it's already started!
- he likes to do things himself. he hates it when people move his hands to something. he wants to figure it out himself...not sure where he gets that!
- foods he's tried and liked: oatmeal, applesauce, sweet potatoes, carrots, pears, peas, brown rice, yogurt and cinnamon
- foods he's tried more than once and hates: bananas and avocados. we'll be trying these again.
- when we feed him solids, he rocks back and forth in his highchair between every bite.
- when i sign the 'eat' sign to him, he smacks his lips.
- he smacks his lips when i pick him out of his crib at night to nurse him too. funny!
- when i go into his room to get him in the morning he gives me this huge smile and giggle.
- he helps me carry my water bottle downstairs every morning and loves it. when i grab my water he reaches out and smiles this huge smile. it's so funny!
- he loves to look at himself in mirrors. he laughs and laughs and then flips the mirror over to find the baby on the other side. or he'll tilt the mirror to see me and then look at me and laugh.
- every time i bring the camera out, he smiles. i think we have a blue steel on our hands.
- he has found 'his boyhood' and i have never seen such brutality. steve thinks he's going to rip it off and is constantly telling him not to pull at it...it's pretty funny. as soon as the diaper comes off, the pulling and squeezing commences. i always heard that little boys do it, but i never thought it would be so much! naughty.
- he still hates tummy time and i honestly think he'll pass the crawling phase and think he may just scoot like his friend hazel.
- today he took steps all by himself with his walker. crazy!
- he still only has 2 teeth, but let me tell you, he knows how to use them!
- he is starting to sign 'nurse'.
to write their names in the sand has developed a new website for families who have lost a child. they polled families who have lost children on what they wished they knew about or did with their child in their last moments with them. they wanted to make a brief and easy website that listed some things you can do to remember and honor your precious baby and list child loss resources.
there are so many things that i wish we did in the few brief hours we were with Jorai. i wish we bathed her. i wish we took more pictures, especially of her naked body. there are so many things i wonder about her. did she have our birthmarks, our tall second toe, steve's mole...so many things. i wish we had contacted now i lay me down to sleep. suzanne asked if we wanted her to contact them for us and for some reason we chose not to. dumb. i wish more of my family and friends held her. i wish she touched more of my friends lives with her physical being. i wish we took her outside so the sun could kiss her cool skin. i wish her blanket, that now wraps up me and asher at night, touched her skin. i wish that the only clothes that touched her, weren't stained with blood. i could go on and on. and i think that even if i changed that entire day and did all the things i wish i did, i would still regret our moments. we had such a short time with her and that day was so raw, so unreal and heart breaking, that nothing could have been 'right'.
i also think that mama's who have lost our precious children need to help others. as hard as it is to see another go through a loss just like yours, i think it's what God has called us to do. for only do we truly know the pain, the darkness, the guttural turmoil and ache that will forever haunt us. for as joy filled and blessed as i am with a beautiful son filling my life with laughter and love, just last night i ached for my daughter. i laid in bed and recounted the day i lost her. out of nowhere these feelings and memories haunt me. and i know now, more that ever, that they will forever haunt me.
so, today when i saw that this website had been launched, i realized that my memories, as heartbreaking as they are, are a reminder to me to be an advocate for others who are feeling the same heartache. whispered support is such a marvelous idea. there are other sites out there that list what you can do to memorialize, honor and remember your child, but there's something special about this site. maybe because it's put together by mama's who have lost their children and who have gone to other mama's to ask for their support and ideas. i don't know. it's just different. i think all hospitals should download the letter and resources and i think we should all bookmark this site in the unfortunate event that someone we know, loses their child.
when do we start being able to recall memories?
as i was tending to some feminine issues today, i look up to see asher staring at me. i instantly got embarrassed and then the thought popped into my mind...will he remember this? when he grows up, is he going to recall all the times he's watched me poo or pick my nose or whatever else i usually only do in private?
asher's a bit attached to me. there are times i'm able to leave the room without him missing me, but for the most part, he has to see me. so, most times, i bring him along when i leave the room. i sit him in the hall so he can see me. i give him a toy to play with, hoping he'll look at that rather than me, and i go about my business. but today i guess i was more fun to look at. when i noticed his piercing eyes on me, i shut the door, just half way so i was hidden and of course he started to cry. he can't really want to see that. that's not good for anyone to see!
am i searing painful memories into my boys head? maybe i need to get one of those half doors for the bathroom so he can see my head but not what i'm doing.
i'm so sorry my sweet boy. let's forget all about today in the bathroom, ok?
i've known for some time now how working as a stay at home mom will affect us financially and for the most part, i'm fine with it. we do some finagling, we frugally shop, we don't eat out as much or buy what we want when we want it, unless we're lucky and find it at goodwill, and voila, we're getting by. but on a day like today, when i want to plan a trip to washington in the summer or arizona in february and i just can't justify it, it's frustrating. a trip to wasington with flight and car for the 3 of us will run almost a grand with the prices i've seen. a trip to arizona for just me and asher would be around $300. even the $300 i can't justify right now.
living 32 years without a child spoiled me i think. but now, working the hardest job i've ever had and not making a dime is hard. i have all the vacation time in the world, but nothing to vacation on.
this isn't a bummer post. i'm not complaining. i wouldn't change my situation one bit, well, unless i could win the lottery...i have the best job i could ever imagine. i get to watch my son grow and learn and i get to be a part of his life. i get to be apart of his growing and learning. i can go without new clothes or new car or vacation to have this. it's just an adjustment.
i always new that becoming a parent would change my life, but i never knew how much. how every faucet of my life would be altered. my friendships, my relationship with my husband, my spirituality, my body..you name it..it's changed. i long to get away. to be alone. go shopping, go on a walk, to a movie. any thing for some personal time...but when i'm alone, i miss asher. if i'm driving all by myself, i catch myself looking back in the rear-view mirror to see my boy. the whole thing is silly. i try to make sense of it, but there's no making sense of it.
i feel as if i'm in a huge adjustment area of my life. trying to find balance and 'me' in this new life. it's hard.
asher's always been a car sleeper. which can be a wonderful yet frustrating thing. for instance, if i want to leave anytime in the afternoon that's further than 1 mile away, i have to be ok with spending some time in a running car, because asher will inevitably fall asleep. it's a given. but lately, he'll wake up within 5 minutes of me stopping car. so even though i'm being quiet and wasting time on the internet, he'll wake. it won't matter if he running on empty and has only been asleep for 10 minutes, he'll wake up.
today he slept from 10:45-11:30 for his morning nap. not a shabby nap for my child. we then loaded the car and drove to the doc's to get some blood test results. which were swimmingly. the doc told me that my vitamin d count is high and my hemoglobin is one of the highest she's seen in a women. which i have no idea what that means, other than it's good. anyway, we played at sparrow with papa for a bit and then got back into the car at 2 to come back home. asher shouldn't have gone back down for a nap until 3ish, but as always, he immediately fell asleep and he just woke up ...an hour and 45 minutes later! crazy.
so what did i do differently? i've been sitting here with 90.7 blaring on static noise. ahhh, the joys of motherhood and what we'll do to keep a sleeping babe asleep!
21 January 2009
what's better than a night full of yummy omi sushi roll fun?
a night full of yummy omi sushi roll fun followed by a 3 hour lost premier!
the newman hacienda is open, as always, to anyone interested in partaking in a little lost action. enjoy the show.
we started giving asher solid food on the 28th of december. we started with oatmeal mixed with breast milk and he loved it. we then tried sweet potatoes and he loved that. we tried bananas, not a big fan of those but we didn't get the crazy face or shivers we were hoping for. then came avocados, again a big fan and then apple sauce. really liked the applesauce and then carrots, yup, loving the carrots. today we tried peas. a part of me was waiting for the 'oh gross!' reaction, but no, he loved the peas.
my boys an eater. big time. he gets done and his little tummy is all distended. but i'm not forcing him to eat, he just keeps actively opening up his mouth and leaning towards the spoon. it's crazy. tonight he ate an ounce each of applesauce, peas, sweet potato and carrots with about 1 1/2 tablespoons of oatmeal. craziness.
i think we'll try pears on wednesday. i'm making all of his food. i'm not sure how long this will last, but i've really been enjoying it and it's so easy. i just bake or steam and then puree and freeze in ice cube trays and thaw what i need. it's really cool. but man, i think asher may start out-eating us pretty soon. maybe he'll be a chef. that would be cool.
i've been thinking about posting this since i returned from marley and me on monday. great movie. i laughed, i cried and i was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't a chick flick as people told me it was. what i wasn't pleasantly surprised in was the miscarriage scene. i had no idea it was coming, but as soon as it started my heart ached.
mama's who have lost babies, here's your warning. it's not the typical miscarriage scene. they go in to see the first ultrasound and the nurse can't find the heartbeat, so she leaves to get the doctor. anyone who has had this happen to them, knows these feelings too well and watching it get played out in a movie crushed me. it brought me right back to the exam table i laid on waiting and watching the nurse and then doctor try to find Jorai's heartbeat. it brought me back to the earth crushing sound of 'i'm sorry' falling from the doctor's lips and watching my husbands face change from hope to utter devastation. my heart drops just thinking about it as i type this message.
so anyway, good movie, but know it's coming. if i would have known, i think i would have been ok...maybe it wouldn't have, i don't know. just know the scene sucks and prepare yourself.
i just watched last nights private practice since asher's sleeping. i shouldn't have. they not only pissed me off, but they showed my worst nightmare. my child dying because i did or didn't do something.
the premise was that a mom didn't vaccine her younger 2 sons because after vaccinating her eldest son, he became autistic. she wanted to spare her other 2 sons from autism while hoping they don't get sick.
while i don't believe vaccines are linked to autism, i do believe they are linked to a whole slew of other debilitating diseases like epilepsy, type 2 diabetes and many, many others including death. on the flip side...i do think they're linked to a healthier society. in my parents youth, there were some crazy diseases out there and a lot of people were affected and died from them.
so i'm in the middle road of when and what to vaccinate for. so far asher has remained unvaccinated. again, i believe in vaccines. they just scare the living shit of of me. sorry for being so crud. but they do. but again, so does a disease.
the middle child on the show got measles and by the end of the show, had died. now, the mom was still adamant about not giving her youngest son the vaccines even though her middle child was severely sick...i would not do that. but her actions and their consequences are what scares me.
she chose what she thought was best for her child and it backfired. i need to find peace about the vaccination debacle. i need to find peace so that if asher reacts to the vaccines, as horrible as it is, i won't look back with regret...and vice versa...though maybe i'll never have peace.
and with mmr...i wouldn't give it to him for another 9 1/2 more years anyway...but there's still diphtheria, pertussis and tetanus, pneumococcal and hib...i hate watching my fears play out on tv for my 'personal enjoyment'.
a year ago i trimmed the orchid steve and i received after Jorai's passing. i trimmed it because i had gotten on a orchid care webpage and it told me after the blooms die away to trim the stem down. as soon as i trimmed it, i knew that i had done something wrong. i watched it for a year, slowly dying. it's haunted me. this orchid meant so much to me. it's beauty and delicateness reminded me of my sweet baby girl. i loved seeing the dainty flowers each day. and then when they started to fall, my heart sank because as it's dying petals fell to the ground it mirrored my dying hope of having laughter and cries fill my life.
and then i trimmed it and it was gone. it wasn't growing back, the leaves wilted and my hopes of seeing it's flowers again faded. it was hard for me to look at so i finally put it in our japanese dining room, which we haven't been using. the other day i went in there to see this.
my baby girl's orchid is coming back to life! i can't wait to see it's beautiful flowers again.
at 6:30 this morning asher woke with the tell tale 'i'm wet' hip thrusts. he was in a disposable! and it wasn't even super soaked. did i mention he was in a disposable?
so, of course i changed him...and of course he went crazy with thrashing and yelling and kicking. ugh. maybe i could find a hose contraption that attaches to his little boyness, that could drain all the urine away rather than use diapers. maybe i should invent something.
i wish i could just change him in the night because this is getting ridiculous. sleeping shouldn't be this rough. and why doesn't it happen during the day or in day naps? why is it happen just at night? i need solutions people. i'm about ready to go buy some depends and duct tape.
07 January 2009
when i was pregnant, all i wanted, in my cloth diaper fantasy, was to always place a soft cloth against my child's bottom. disposables are nice. they're easy...but there's something about cloth that makes me happy. i just love the softness of cloth and the cute little apple bottom it gives babies! HA! it makes me feel good to wrap my baby in cloth. but i've had about enough of the leaks.
my friends babies don't leak this much. i can't figure out our problem. it's gotten significantly better. rarely, does asher's diaper leak during the day and in the past month, we've only had a few leaks during the night, but we've had 2 in 4 nights. and the turmoil that ensues is horrendous.
first we have the tell tale waking baby boy who thrusts his hips to the air, over, and over again. then we have the screaming and convulsing little boy when i start to undress him. this continues throughout the changing and redressing which makes it incredibly difficult to work fast. then we have the guilt ridden mama who knows it's her fault for his waking since i was the one who chose to place him in cloth even after my sweet husband told me that we should put him in disposables at night from now on. and lastly we have a very tired little boy who refuses to nurse, yet will hit and pinch the guilt ridden mama until we've both reached our breaking points...an hour later, hopefully, we'll both be asleep.
so, against my wants and dreams of always laying cloth against my sweet baby boy's bottom, i'm moving to disposables at night for the time being. i'm giving up for now. this may last a few weeks, a few months or over a year, i don't know. i only know that i hate watching my baby boy wake up and finding that his undershirt is soaked from his diaper to his neck. i'm sorry bugs. no more cloth for you at night until we figure something else out.
i know i've talked about to write their names in the sand before, but i just can't stop feeling gratitude from the mama who started this organization. she too lost a baby. a son, Christian. in losing him, she too became pregnant quickly and birthed a beautiful baby girl. just as i lost Jorai and then got quickly pregnant with asher.
her latest blog entry was like reading my own thoughts, my own reflections. i want to post her last entry, as it's an entry i would make. just as her Christian would have been 2 soon, Jorai's 2nd birthday is in 6 months. these birthdays are so bittersweet. 7 days after celebrating Jorai's birthday, we'll be celebrating asher's first birthday. i miss my baby girl everyday...and in saying that, i wouldn't be loving my sweet baby boy every day now if we hadn't lost Jorai.
i've felt guilt over this time and time again. i've felt overwhelming love and joy looking at asher one second and then felt agonizing guilt the next for loving him when i ache for Jorai. at first, these feelings scared me. i now know that this is pure and simple grief. this is darkness. what i know now, is that Jorai came into our lives for a reason and that reason did not involve an earthly presence. what i have come to realize is that her life means so much more than an earthly presence. though i may not be able to kiss her sweet cheeks and watch her grow here on earth, i can love her just as much whether she is here with us or not. and the coolest thing is that God has used her presence in our lives to teach me so much and change me unbelievably. i still get guilt twinges every now and then, but mostly, i just feel gratitude. gratitude to have known such an amazing baby girl. joy for feeling her grow within me. thankfulness for the few hours we were able to hold her and an immeasurable feeling of blessing to have been given a second chance of motherhood.
here are carly's words...which is exactly what i feel, each day.
I always wonder why these children come into our lives but don't stay very long. Some of them live only in their mama's wombs. They leave this place before even taking a breath. Straight to Heaven. I guess it isn't really big news to anyone when I say that my heart is feeling pretty heavy at the moment. I miss Christian right now more than I have in months. He will be 2 in just under 3 weeks. Everything at this time of the year reminds me of him. The still summer nights, the tropical flowers in my garden, The burnt coloured sunsets and mainly the happy atmosphere that comes with all the public holidays. I have been thinking about how I have changed as a person since Christian came into my life and left.thank you for all that you do carly. you are an awesome woman and an amazing mama. thank you for helping all of us who have lost a child, find a great way to memorialize their life. you're truly are a blessing.
I have learned how to love.... really love,
learned to loves others,
learned to love myself,
learned to love my living children more deeply than I would have before,
learned how to really feel alive,
and learned how to to appreciate the simplest of things.
I have found God and yes I love Him,
found my purpose in life,
found TRUE happiness and yes it isn't the same as before Christian was born... its better, more rich and not what I expected.
found true spirituality,
found that grieving isn't all ugly, it can be made intensely beautiful, but you have to make it that way,
I have found myself.
I have learned how to rise above my intense sadness,
rise above others forgetting,
rise above heartless comments,
rise above my own bitterness
and I rose above the unknowing of if it would happen again.
I am thankful for Christian's short life,
I am thankful that I live in a day and age where I was able to hold my son for as long as I wanted.
I am thankful for all the people that have come into my life because Christian left. All of my friendships are rich and true. They are honest friendships and I would not want it any other way.
I am thankful I have a beautiful supportive family.
I am thankful that God gave me a rainbow. I now have my River Eve. She would not be here if Christian had of lived. How bitter sweet.
This time 2 years ago I was pregnant. Christian was kicking me. His heart was beating and I was blissfully unaware of what was to come. If you could have poked me on the shoulder to tell me that this is where I would end up I would never believe you. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have a little boy come into my life and make this incredible impact on me, when he would never take a breath of air.
My life is rich, it is filled up by emotions that I wish all people could feel at least once in their lifetime.
If you have lost someone what has that grief taught you? What have you allowed it to teach you? Have you allowed it to drown you? Are you drowing? Are you holding onto Hope? Did you find God? Did you turn away from God? What are you making from your loss? I think all of the above questions I have been through.
I am a better person, I am an honest person, I am a beautiful person and it is all because of Him. There are so many things that I can still be and Christian's life is teaching them to me slowly I know I need to be better friend, a more grateful daughter, a stronger mother and at the top of my list is I need to be a more loving wife. But in spite of all that I know I need to be I have come a long way and when I say a long way I really mean it.
04 January 2009
i didn't make a resolution this year. for me to make a resolution is silly. i never keep them. they usually involve losing weight or becoming more fit and well, it just doesn't happen because i hate working out. thus screwing up both resolutions...so for the past few years i didn't make them.
this year, i've decided to make goals. so, to remind myself and to let other know, to keep me accountable, here are my goals.
- get my sorry, lazy, lame arse back in the Word. thank you riv for making that a bit easier with the text...but even more so, get in the word!
- make my marriage my second priority. i love you asher, but mama needs to keep Jesus first and papa second in her life. i'll be a better mama if i keep things in check.
- stop taking my awesome husband for granted and remember to encourage and lift him up daily.
- i've really grown in this goal over the past few years, but i want to learn even more to shut my flappin' trap and simply open my ears and heart.
- learn to let go of my prideful, selfish, crappy judgemental self and love people where they're at and who they are.
- be comfortable in the life/ministry stage that i'm currently in.
- continue to let go of my insecurities, shyness and nervousness around people. not only does this hinder my relationships with people and walk with Christ, but asher will see it and he may mimic this ridiculousness.
- become better organized and keep 'a better house'.
- save money. use more coupons and do less 'but i want it' shopping.
- research the in's and out's of baby food making and make the majority of asher's food.
- along with number 10, go to foods for living weekly, to check out their reduced produce to make said food.
- get back to selling stuff on the bay and look into selling books/cd's on amazon to pay for vacations and the 'but i want it' stuff.
- play with katie (hint, hint, katie) in the garden and then learn to can/dry/freeze stuff.
hmmm...i think that's all for now. i'll keep adding to the list. i'm going to print this off and post it to my door. i hope that doesn't mess up # 8!
was sleep. well, he didn't tell me so, but his actions since the night of the 1st seem to validate my theory. i'm really trying not to get excited or think that by any means this will stick, but i am loving the extra sleep. i am waiting for the ball to drop though.
after 6 months of waking up at least 3 times each night and then after 2 weeks of nonstop wakings throughout the night, here's the lowdown.
the night of the 1st he slept from 7-12, 12:15-5:30 and then 5:45-8.
the night of the 2nd he slept from 8-4 and 4:30-8
last night he slept from 8:30-4:30 and 5-9
i can't even begin to tell you how much energy i have. i feel like bouncing off the walls!
in other baby news, asher has been on oatmeal for a week now and just yesterday we started sweet potatoes. he wasn't sure about the sweet potatoes, but we'll keep a'tryin'.
this morning he decided it was time to start walking in his walker. though he's taken a few steps here and there in it, this morning he was in the kitchen, saw me in the living room and walked all the way over to me! crazy boy!! he's really starting to get fast at grabbing things too. i know it's been a gradual progression, but just within the past week, we've really noticed how he's reaching and grabbing and pulling for things. watching asher grow has been so amazingly cool. he's growing up so fast!
and finally, last week he finally decided to roll from both his back to his tummy and his tummy to his back. he's been a little delayed on that milestone. i haven't been worried because he can do everything else, he just hates his tummy time, so why roll over!
so that's our kiddo growth and res. update. i hope y'all had a fab Christmas and new year and whatever holiday you celebrate. welcome to the new year my friends. may it be one filed with memories and opportunities to reach out to old friends, new acquaintances and those in need.