27 May 2009

I'm a huge Queen fan. Have been since high school. I couldn't get enough of them. I was heartbroken when Freddie died and thought the band was gone forever. And though no one could take Freddie's place, for the first time, I'm OK with someone stepping into the front man role of this great, great band. It seems that Brian May of Queen has been showing interest in Adam Lambert, the runner-up of the latest American Idol show. Nothing is for sure, but I seriously think, if there's someone who can at least hold their own to Freddie's vocals and theatrics, it's Adam Lambert. Not only am I excited to hear the album Adam's going to be putting out, I'm excited to hear his take on Freddie's songs as well as new songs with the band. I'm kinda geeked about this.

To cut or not to cut?

I've enjoyed my short hair but 3 months ago I decided to let it grow. So it's growing. 2 weeks ago I had it and wanted short hair again, so I made an appointment to chop it back off. That appointment is this Saturday and now I'm wondering if I'm making the right decision. Hair takes so long to grow! But I was kinda thinking that I could get one more cut to last through the summer and then start growing it back out. But I don't know. Do I look better in long or short hair??

I've always wanted to go to some amazing hair stylist that knew the exact cut to give me since I have no idea what looks good. But I could never afford that so I'm asking all of you. Should I keep it short or grow it out? Here's some reference for ya. Please help me here!!!




26 May 2009

nope. well, we don't think so...but the discussion has come into our lives again. Originally we were thinking about trying for another child in June. Well, June is just around the corner and now I'm asking myself if I can handle another child? Asher is so cool. I'm enjoying him so much and I want him to have a living sibling, but am I ready? Will I ever be 'ready'? It's scary. I want to have another child. But I don't want to be preggers again. And when the babe comes, can I handle 2? Plus Asher is such a great child, will the next one be a crazy crazers?

Anxiety, anxiety!

Plus I'll miss my glass of beer or wine at night...9 months is so long without the refreshing taste of beer or wine! It's well worth it, but boy, is it hard!

naughty boy


I've been having some issues with Asher. It's been hard too because he's such a good boy. We've never really had any issues. He's laid back and loving, but since he's found his new talent of walking he's become a VERY busy lil' man. He's always on the go. He always has to be in something or doing something, which isn't an issue, other than me being exhausted at the end of the day!

Our issue? Diapers. One issue is that he likes to take them off. Preferably after a rather large poo and within his sleeper. So not only do I have a sticky, stinky little boy to attend to, but I also have a sticky and stinky sleeper to attend to. Not fun! To top it off, he has begun to HATE getting his diaper changed. HATE! If I try to lay him on the floor he immediately flips over. If I try to place him of the changing table he grabs a hold of the side and flips himself over. There's grunting and screaming involved. As if I used to beat him as I changed him in the past. It's like he knows something terrible is about to happen and I have no idea why. I've always tried to make diaper change time somewhat fun. I give him toys, I make funny faces and blow air on him. He used to laugh and have fun but now it's torture. Wet diapers are fine, but when there's junk in there, it makes a very messy situation. And it's so frustrating. I'm starting to resent him at diaper changes. I'm starting to get really angry and hate that time. I dread it. And to top it off, when we're all done, he puts his arms up to be held and then pushes me away as soon as I try to snuggle. So I put him down thinking he wants to get down but he immediatly cries to be held again. So I pick him up and hold him but he pushes me away again. I got so frustrated this morning that I put him down and walked away for awhile as he cried on the floor.

Am I doing something wrong? Is this a phase? Have you mama's watched your children go through this? Any suggestions? I'm really starting to lose it. And it sucks, because for all other times of the day, he's a dream. He just turns into a little monster at diaper changes.

My toddler?

25 May 2009


I just got one of those baby center emails that tells you about your child but it was for a toddler. I couldn't figure it out and then I saw the age. 21 months. I don't normally get those so it took me off guard, but that was for Jorai. She would have been 21 months. She would have been a toddler. Running around, being all sassy and talking up a storm. 21 months. I try to think of her as a child. Growing, learning, becoming a little girl. Our little girl. I'll never get to see that. I'll never get to know her, not in that sense. I'll never get to watch her grow or hear her laugh. I'll never get to hug her tight after a fall. I'll never get to feel her warmth or hear her heart, I'll never get to see her breath or feel it against my skin.

It's still hard to wrap my heart around. I can't tell you how often I still think of her. She surrounds me. Her spirit is so much apart of me, of us. But it's times like this, where I'm taken off guard, when the pain resurfaces. The memories of the hospital, of her birth and the coldness. Just today her grandparents bought a memorial brick for her. We talked about it and I talked to someone about the memorial garden I still want to make in memory of her. Talking about her was beautiful. There wasn't a pain to it...but now, as I realize that she would have been 2 years old in August, if she would have been born on her actual birth day, a pain creeps in.

I'll never really understand grief. The enormity of it. The unpredictability, ache and longing of it. It's a crappy thing to go through. It sucks really. Losing Jorai has made me a better person and I know God is using me because of it...but I sure wish he could have found a better way to mold me, to use me. Because if I'm being honest, it still really pisses me off that she was taken from us.

Her birth/death day, is in 2 weeks. I can't even begin to tell you the joy I had 2 years ago and the agony we endured just a few weeks later. It's still all so raw, so real, as if it happened just yesterday. I remember the guttural loss. The emptiness, both emotionally and literally. I remember all the people who reached out to us with meals and cards and emails. We had people stopping by just to talk, mowing our yard...I remember drinking wine and feeling tipsy. I wanted it to dull the pain, but all it did was worsen it. I remember going on walks
in the mornings and just crying. I remember really getting to know a close friend and talking about the babies we lost for hours and hours. I remember trying to read Job, and really, just getting pissed off at God again for all he had to endure. I remember lying in Jorai's room and sobbing. Lying on the floor and screaming. I can't even type this without crying.

I miss her. I miss her so much. Every day I miss her. Every day I wish she was here for Asher, for me. I wonder why God gave her to us only
to take her away so suddenly. But I can't get stuck up on that. I need to push that feeling away. I need to know that He has His plan. And though I may not like it, His plan is perfect.

But I miss her still. I will miss her until she's in my arms again...I love you sweet baby girl.

Is Asher your only child?

23 May 2009

I get this all the time. I always choose to honor my daughter, no matter what the circumstance and so I say

'Asher is our second child, we lost our daughter Jorai at 28 weeks.'

Most times, people then seem uncomfortable and say 'oh, I'm so sorry'. I know that's what you're suppose to say, but it always seems so strange for me to hear it. What do you say to that? Thank you? Do you just change the subject? I still haven't figured it out and it's been 2 years. WOW! 2 years. I just realized that. It still seems like yesterday that we lost Jorai...crazy. It's been a whirlwind 2 years. Sorry, I digress...

Tonight at Riv, I was asked the dreaded question...twice...the second time went as it normally does, but the first time I said my typical response
'Asher was our second child, we lost our daughter Jorai at 28 weeks.' and the response was 'Your big sister is waiting for you in Heaven! My big brother is waiting for me up in Heaven too!' As sad as it was to know that this lady's big brother is not physically with her, it was strangely beautiful to hear her words.

I always want Asher to remember that he has an big sister. I always want him know that our family is different and I want him to touch others lives in memory of Jorai., just as the lady I was talking to tonight did. Asher may not have ever physically met and touched his big sister, he will always have a big sister waiting for him up in Heaven

Garage saling

15 May 2009

This past week I've scored some good stuff at some local garage sales. But I've also missed out on a few by seconds.

Things Ive scored:

I also got some cool books, wooden puzzles and a wooden alphabet train.

Things I missed out on by seconds...literally.

There are a couple subdivision sales tomorrow that I'm excited to get to. It's harder to get out with Ashers naptimes...that's why I missed out on a few cool items. But hopefully, I'll be able to get out early and get some more bargains! So fun!!

Should I continue as is or change things up?

12 May 2009


Asher's an amazing sleeper. We've had issues getting him down in the past and struggled at the beginning with super short naps, but all in all, he's a really good sleeper. He normally averages 11 hours a night, waking up once...maybe twice. And he takes 2 naps which last anywhere between 1.5-3 hours in length...they're usually 1.5.

He used to be super scheduled...on his terms. He used to wake at 8, nap from 10:30-noon and then 3-4:30 and then be sleeping by 8pm. He still can only stay up for about 2.5 hours in the am and 3 in the pm, but his naps now are determined when he wakes. Which in a way is fine, but on days like today when we have a play date at our house at 1...and he just fell asleep @ 11:50...it cuts things really close. And if this is one of his 3 hour naps, which I highly doubt, but you never know, our afternoon will turn into a mama socialization with friends and babies while Asher sleeps...which isn't a bad thing...but I like him to get his social on too.

Any way, here's my dilemma/question. Because Asher is such a superb sleeper, if he wakes before I'm ready to get up, or if I think he needs more sleep, I can nurse him, place him back in his crib and he
usually falls right back to sleep. Lately, he's been waking up at 6:30. This morning I should have gotten him up because he fell asleep right at 8...but for the past week or so, he has been going down around 9, so when 6:30 hits, I know he needs more sleep. But back to today, 6:30 hit and I chose to lay him back down because I was still sleepy. I woke at 7:45 and tried continually with back rubs, calling his name and even loud noises to arose him from 8-8:40. He finally woke at 8:50. So last night he got almost 13 hours of sleep. If he takes 2, 1.5 hour naps today, is he getting too much sleep?

Should I not be trying to get him back down? One part of me thinks that if he falls asleep easily himself, he must have needed the sleep...but another part of me thinks I just need to get up and start our day. I would love to get back to the 8am wake time...but I don't know how to get him there.

Tomorrow we have a big Trader Joes/Whole Foods day so I'm going to keep him up if he wakes at 6, so I guess I'll see how things go tomorrow. In the past, if he wakes at 6:30/7am he's a crank. But if he gets that additional hour in he's so happy. Maybe he just needs more sleep than the 'normal' baby...I don't know. What do all you mama's out there think? Should I keep him up when he first wakes in the morning? Should I lay him back down? Is he getting too much sleep?

Thanks in advance!

Birthday decisions

09 May 2009


What to do..what to do...

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do for Asher's birthday. This is such a huge milestone for all of us. A year ago I was still wondering if we'd deliver a healthy screaming baby and to our thrill and surprise, we did. So much so that Beth mentioned that Asher was the loudest baby she'd ever heard. Thank you God! So now to think that it's already been a year with this amazing little person gracing our lives, I need to start thinking about his big celebration. We want it simple. Simple and small. I originally wanted to invite our friends and his friends, but something in me wanted a small intimate celebration...so that's what we're doing...and then I think we're going to have a bug summer bbq so we can have a fun get together with friends.

I also think there was a part of me that always wants to invite a crazy amount of people to my parties but then always worry that they'll think they need to come baring gifts...when really, I just want to celebrate with them...I think I've been invited to way too many b-day and shower celebrations where a gazillion others were invited also, so you know they're just out for gifts...or maybe I just have an issue with it...that could be the case.

Anyhow, we chose to do a family celebration so we'll only have around 15 folks here. And I want balloons, because Asher loved the balloons at Bea's party...and I want cake...though I'm still deciding what kind...I was thinking carrot. That's my favorite and I can do a lower sugar option...but do I make a large cake? Or should I make a small cake for Asher? Or just all cupcakes??? Decisions....decisions....

I think we're going to grill out and have normal picnic foods...Who knew that a birthday celebration would carry so many decisions!!

Does anyone have any super cool ideas that you've done or seen at 1st year b-day parties?

Asher week 47

01 May 2009