2 years!

27 June 2010

People keep coming up to me and saying 'WOW! You've already popped!'...or... 'Do you have twins in there?'. Ya just gotta love all the comments that come with pregnancy...but at least I am pregnant and it's just not people thinking I am. Not that I'm a chunk...I've actually lost all the baby weight...but there's a problems that occurs when you've been pregnant for as long as I have...and it's a hard 'bump' to get rid of.

As I was contemplating all of my pregnancies and how fast I start to 'bulge' out, I started counting. These are the stats.

  • I got pregnant with Jorai in late November '06. I was 28 weeks when we lost her in June '07.
  • I got pregnant with Asher in September '08 and carried 40 weeks 1 day, delivering him in June '08.
  • I got pregnant with Selah in August '09. I was 24 weeks when we lost her in December '09
  • I got pregnant with this little bean of ours on May 15th '10....
So from December '06 through now, I've been pregnant 4 times...what's scary is that I've been pregnant 100 weeks so far...100 weeks in 3 years and 7 months. I've been pregnant more than not, in the past 3 years and 7 months. I've been pregnant almost 2 full years.

2 years! I've been pregnant 2 years out of the past 3 1/2 years! No wonder my belly pops so soon! I've actually not gained a single pound in the past 8 weeks, yet by the looks of my stomach, I look like I'm in my second trimester. It's ridiculous. But so is being pregnant so freakin' long!

2 years...this is just plain crazy! I'm not sure how my poor body is functioning with all the hormones and extra fluids and strain of it all. 2 years. I'm officially an elephant (gestationally speaking...no smart comments please!!!)...with 7 more months to go...

oye ve!

Abiding Hope collages

23 June 2010

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There's a beautiful babyloss mama who makes memorial collages and posts them on her website. Her website is Abiding Hope Collages and like most babyloss mama's, she provides this memorial for free. You give her a few words or phrases that describe your child and even foot prints if you'd like, and she creates beautiful memorials. Here are the ones that she made for Jorai and Selah. I've turned them negative to better see them.




Sickness and sleepless nights abound

21 June 2010

Last week Asher started drooling like a drunk man. It was disgusting. It was worse than when he was 8 months old. SO gross. So of course I figured that he was teething...which I still kinda think he was, but it turned out to be so much more. It turned into a virus called herpangina, which is related to herpes, but no it doesn't affect the vagina...it causes painful ulcers on the tongue and throat. So painful that kids can't eat. It's supposedly a 'mild' virus, though it was never mild for Asher. He had a low grade fever, but also developed a horsey cough and today his nose started running river loads. It's been a rough week. We went to the doc. this morning...for the third time this week....and he now has an ear infection! Poor buddy. It's his first ear infection...his first round of anti-biotics and his first taste of food coloring and high fructose corn syrup which was in a cough syrup they gave us. I find it interesting that they fill medicines which are suppose to help us, with crap that can harm us.

Well, since Friday, I have gotten very little sleep. Very little. On Friday night I maybe got 5. Saturday, 3...3! Steve let me sleep in Sunday morning, so I got 5 total. Last night, I hooked in the humidifier and he only woke a few times, though I'm so sleep deprived, that I'm still exhausted. Utterly. Today he took almost a 4 hour nap! I joined him for a bit of it, so I think I'm starting to catch up, but I think it will be another 9pm bedtime for me.

What I've learned during these past few days of having a sickie...

  • taking care of a 2 years old who feels crummy, sucks.
  • being sick, I guess, allows a toddler to become an emotional basket-case who's running around happy one second and whining the next.
  • taking care of a sick toddler and growing a child is utterly exhausting.
Can someone wave their sickness sucker over my child to make him feel better....and grant me 2 fulls days of blissful, uninterrupted sleep? Please?

Oh, my sweet sickie punkin' pants, please feel better soon so we can play with our friends and leave this quarantined house...and get some sleep!

Coolest toddler gift ever!

Who doesn't love to be tickled? I mean, you hate it...but love it, right?. And kids, LOVE it. They run back to you over and over again to get tickled. Just yesterday our neighbor buddy crawled up into my lap, specifically to get tickled. Crazy kid!

Asher got the coolest present for his birthday a few weeks ago and I just have to share it. It's called 'Tickle Monster'. It's a book by Josie Bissett. A seriously cute book...and as an extra, you can buy the tickle monster gloves. Asher L-O-V-E-S it. Loves it. And you can buy it as a set now too. It's seriously a great gift...I think it's my new gift for folks. Love it!

Trust

17 June 2010

I've been thinking about this for awhile and was never really sure how to put it to paper, so to speak, so bare with me.

I have a lot of fears with pregnancy and even with Asher still. Obviously I have my reasons. It comes with the territory. I worry each day that I'm losing this child. I look for blood stains and I question the fact that I still haven't started getting nauseous yet. I still check on Asher all through the night, almost shaking him awake to make sure he's not sleeping too soundly and won't wake up. I know...I'm neurotic. I worry all the time. I blog about it sometimes, but in honesty, I don't blog about half my fears as I know the answer I'll get. And in a way, I hate typing these posts because I would hate for people to take them the wrong way...I appreciate words of advice and wisdom...I truly do. But there's one that just never sits right with me. 'Trust the Lord'

I think if there's anyone out there that truly can trust that the Lord's will, will prevail, it's the one's who have held their child, cold and limp, in their arms. If there's one thing I know...God's will...His plan, will unfold in my life. I've seen it. In good times and bad times. No matter how hard I pray for my wants, it's His desires that will be seen. I know this more than anything else.

So what exactly are people trying to say when they tell me to trust God? I can't trust God to give me what I want, because that may not be in His plan. Being able to live with and hold and laugh with and see grow and love and live was not God's plan for Jorai or Selah. And believe me I prayed for it. And if I'm being truthful, I thought my prayers would deliver. They didn't. I'm still dealing with that. And it's getting better. I started praying again. A little. But I still feel a bit foolish praying. As again, I know that what I want, doesn't matter in the long run. No matter what I want, what I long for...it doesn't matter. And I need to be OK with that. I need to trust that God has a reason for all of this. A very good reason. So is that what they mean when they say trust God? Trust that He knows what's best? I don't know.

All I know is that God's plan will unfold in my life and I have two choices when it does. I can piss and moan and become a bitter old woman. Or I can deal with the hurt and somehow find the strength to glorify it. This thought always brings me back to the song Blessed be Your Name. That song always kills me. It never did before. But ever since losing my girls, I can never get through it. I want to....but then those horrid lyrics come...

'He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away
My heart will chose to say
Lord, blessed be your name'

Yup. He gives and takes away for sure. For sure. I know that. All too well. I can trust in that...now, can I trust that my heart will chose the right path? The path to glorify His plan, rather than sit and wallow?

I love my beliefs. I love scripture. I love when people use scripture. But sometimes, it sure is hard to be given scripture from someone who has no idea what those words may mean to you. For example...I have VERY loving friends that say to me 'I have a good feeling about this time.', or 'This baby will be fine.', or 'I know this one will end well!.'. Um...really, you don't. And though I know they only mean good things telling me that. They're all empty words. They are heartfelt and they are trying to make me feel better. But it doesn't. Because we don't know. None of us do. Just like, I can trust the Lord to give me what I want, I can pray for it...but it's all in His hands...and His hands alone.

It's all kinda hard. I think we all think that we have control of things, but we really don't. We can act on things and strive for things and long for things...but really, we're all just waiting to see God's plan weave out before us. There's no trusting that God will give you your desires...there's only trust that His will, will prevail. And then you have to find the strength to glorify it no matter how wonderful or painfully it plays out in your life.

Future endeavors

15 June 2010

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I've been thinking about my life as a babyloss Mama for along time now...three years actually. I know that want to help people. I always have. I guess I figure that I was taken down this road for a reason and I want to be able to honor my girls with something good. Since losing Jorai, I've wondered what I could do, but nothing really seemed to take root. I am making a website that will be up...sometime...and I lobby for stillbirth legislation when I can...I also have plans to talk to local hospitals about their baby loss procedures...but I've always wanted to do more. But what?

Another babyloss friend of mine made this amazing penpal program site to link up people who have gone through similar losses and I'm simply amazed by it. It's so cool. And it's unlike anything else I've seen before. After seeing her site, the quest to find something I can do and that fits me, got even more intense.

And then one day I realized that I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I love people. I want to love on those who have gone through a loss or multiple losses. I know what it's like to lose one child...two children. I also know the fear of being pregnant after a loss. I love pregnancy. I love birth. I love breast feeding...

I'm going to become a doula and maybe a lactation consultant!

It's not going to be for a little while. I want to be home and focus on my family when they're young...but when this baby growing within me turns 2ish (hopefully!!!) I think I'll start the process.

I want to give free services to those who have gone through a loss as well as talk to the hospitals and make myself available for people who come to deliver a still child or a child who won't make it. I of course want to take on happy, healthy, "normal" clients as well, but my focus will be on babyloss parents.

When I was pregnant with Asher, we had a team of two extremely lovely ladies who were always there to keep me at ease. Unfortunately, Asher had different plans and decided to come running out of me, so we didn't have our doulas there for the delivery. But they came after and I loved having them. One of them even came when I was in the hospital delivering Selah, as she just happened to be driving through town. Having her there was wonderful. I will always hold them close to my heart. And now, I want to give others, what they gave me.

I'm so excited! A part of me wants to start now, but for now, it's not time. But someday soon...I'm going to become a doula! YAY!

near-death

10 June 2010

One day shy of turning two, I almost lost my boy. This was the first time I've actually been really scared.

While we were on a walk tonight, we stopped by a friends house. All was fine until My son and his friend decided to walk down the hill to their backyard. What I had forgotten, was that they had a coi pond in the back. It wasn't until my friend reminded me that it started to sink in how much Asher loves water. As soon as I started to walk towards their backyard I saw Asher going right towards the thing. I started running and yelling 'STOP!, STOP!'. But as always, he didn't stop and to my horror I saw him slip in. He flipped to his back and started sinking. By the time I reached him, his mouth and nose was under the water and these huge brown eyes were staring at me with such fright that I almost lost it. But thankfully I kept my calm and my mama instincts kicked in. I caught his pant leg and lifted him right out of the water. He was freaked. I was freaked. I'm just so glad that I was right there to grab it out. If I got there just a few moments later he would have been submerged and the water was so green, I may not have seen him.

I couldn't stop kissing him as I was rocking him tonight. I keep going in to check on him as he sleeps. I know I won't sleep much tonight, as I'll continually wake to check on him. Ugh. He seems fine. He was scared and cried a little, but he hardly coughed and before we left, he actually went right back up to that stinkin' pond as if he was ready to take another swim. OYE!

I know this will be the first of many near death experiences that will scare the pants off me, but man. I swear this child is going to send me to an early grave! I'm just so glad he's fine. It's just a reminder how much you have to watch your kids! Asher plays in water all the time. But with those slippery, steep slopes in the coi pond, he didn't stand a chance. Poor punkin'! Poor Mama!!!

Dear son, please stop scary your mama. She can't take much more drama in her life.

Complete and Total Barf-A-Rama

08 June 2010

Do you remember the story Gordy told in the movie 'Stand By Me', about Davie 'Lardass' Hogan? The one about the pie eating contest where the picked on kid got even by eating too much pie, and then made himself puke all over everyone...well...this is the vision I get some times when someone says something ridiculous.

I know it's wrong....but when I hear someone complaining about their pregnancy or telling me or someone else how disappointed they are about being pregnant....I wish I could open my mouth and spew puke all over them.

I know...it's really mean. I know pregnancy is hard...I know that pregnancies sometimes come when they're not planned...but for all of my friends who have tried for years to conceive and have yet to have success, to all my friends who have lost one, two, three, plus...children and for my own hurt, all I want to do is scream. All I want to do is grab onto their shoulders and shake them silly. I want them to take one step in my shoes or the shoes of my friends. Maybe then they could take one minute to be grateful, thankful and feel blessed.

I know I have a very exposed and sensitive nerve on this subject, and I know people are just being people and 'not meaning' what they say...at least I hope they don't. But if I'm being totally honest...which I think you all know by now that I am...this is what I really want to do.

dreams

05 June 2010

The other night I dreamt that this baby growing within was born. My child crawled out of me. There was no pushing...no doctors...the baby crawled out. Crawled. Strange...I know.

I'm trying not to get excited here...but with both Jorai and Selah, I had death dreams prior to their passing. Though this baby crawled out...and that was strange...he/she was alive and looked to be full term. Not to say I could have a death dream in the future...or not and still lose him/her...but...

I'm just saying.

Still expecting the worse...but what if...

potty training 101

I need advice!

Asher is starting to show signs that he may, in fact be ready to start potty training. Of course I'm not going to pressure him, at all...but I do want to have some things ready and start introducing the concept to him.

Yesterday, as I was in the bathroom doing my hair, Asher came in, climbed onto the toilet, which was the first time he's ever done this, and started pushing to poo. He them climbed down and laid himself over his foot stool to finish the job. The laying across something for leverage has always been his preferred method of poo. Later in the day, he again, brought something to me, to show me that he needed to go.

Now, I'm trying not to get excited here. And I definitely do not want to push him in any way, I just want to start introducing him to things.

So here are my questions:

  1. What potty's do you like? I'm looking for a potty seat for the toilet. We have a Bjorn potty chair and I think I may get another one for upstairs, but I was impressed that Asher knew to use the toilet for poo. We've had the potty seat in our living room for months now. He goes to it, sits down and grunts...but he's never gone to it when he's actually had to go.
  2. Any advice for boys?
I actually never thought we'd even be discussing this at his age. He typically could care less that he's wet or dirty...but with his new development, I figured it couldn't hurt to just start talking to him and introducing things to him.

Happy birthday Jorai

03 June 2010

Today marks my baby girls' 3rd birthday. I can't even begin to explain the thoughts that run through my mind. I wonder what she would have been like...what she would would be doing today...I wonder what her laugh would sound like or what my heart would feel if she threw her arms around me.

It's been three years, though it still feels as if it were yesterday. Three years. It's been three years since I last saw you, held you, kissed you. Three long, long years, my love. I miss you so. I love you.

Happy birthday miss Jorai Mae. Whoop it up with Jesus my sweet. We'll be missing you and hugging you from down here.