selfishness

24 September 2011

This is a bit convoluted, so sorry in advance...I just wanted to get it out before life gets loud and I forget my thoughts.

There's a huge part of me that still screams out "give me back my daughter(s)!" As a parent, I think that's normal and expected. It's natural to never want to see your child suffer or be taken before you. We've all heard that "A parent should never have to bury their child". In our hearts and in our minds, the order is backwards. I miss my girls. I desperately want to be in their presence. Look into their eyes, feel their skin, hear their laughter. But tonight at Riv, I was also reminded how selfish I am when I'm angry at God for the suffering I've had to endure.

And I say this with a caveat. I think it's normal and OK (totally OK) to be mad at God after a loss. Christian or not, being mad at God is OK. It's all a process. I also totally believe that even in your anger, He's standing there, holding you through your pain. But tonight, I was reminded that in all things, God is great. And that He uses all people, all circumstances, for His greater good. I never meant to be selfish in my loss. I never really though of it that way. And I know that in my circumstance, maybe it's OK to be a little selfish. My child died. I can be selfish...but at the same time, being selfish will only push me further away for Christ. And really, what good it that?

I've always wanted to think that we lost our girls for a reason. That their brief life wasn't all in vain. Wasn't all by chance. Wasn't all just a turn of the cards. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that in the first place. As if life is just a crap shoot. As if we're all here stumbling around, created by chance, living for nothing, and dying only to rot away. I can't see it.

So, when Jorai passed, I "knew" or at least wanted to think, that her brief life meant something. That I had to lose her for my life to touch someone...change something. And though losing Selah, shook my foundation, there was still this hope that her death had purpose. Her life and imprint on my heart, had purpose.

Tonight's message reminded me that their lives, our loss, our pain, all has a purpose. I can't rejoice in my loss. I can't thank God for my suffering. I'm no where near that nor do I think I'll ever be that person. I want my babies back. I have no problem confessing that. Selfishly, it sucks. I'm mad. I cry out, "Why me, Lord?". But I also embrace that their lives had meaning and that I hold fast to that knowledge. I hold fast that through their short but meaningful lives, God shines and He'll use their lives, their story, my loss, our sorrow, for His goodness. His glory. I know for a non-believer this may be too much...it may be wacko. I was there once. I would have spent 1 minute reading this and then wrote it off as crazy talk...but my heart has changed and for me, this is the only thing that makes sense.

Tonight, the band played Never Let Go. Not sure who wrote it...but it just really rang true tonight.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near

I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Whom then shall I fear

Oh no You never let go through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to the struggles
But until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the Earth

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Whom then shall I fear

You keep on loving and you never let go

And i can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
and there will be and end to the struggles
but until that day comes
Still I will praise you
Still I will praise you.
I know I've talked about this before, but when we lost Jorai, as devastated as I was, I knew in my heart that God was near and that though her loss sucks and I was full of sorrow and sadness, there was a reason. But when we lost Selah, my faith was rocked. I was torn. I was crushed. I was selfishly pissed and wanted to curse God. Well, I did curse God to tell you the truth. But I knew God remained by my side. Waiting for me to accept the love He wanted to show me.
"Oh no You never let go through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me"
Tonight I was reminded that it's not about me. Whether my girls were taken from me for a reason or they just passed because of something doctors couldn't find, it doesn't matter. God will use my suffering to help others. I may not know who and when He'll help others, but He will. And I'm also reminded that no matter what hell on earth I go through, He never let's me go. He's there, holding me through the pain. And for that I rejoice.

To You be the glory. I'm still sad. I still mourn. I still cry out at times. But to you God, be the glory.