Crazy Town...just another babyloss confession...

16 August 2012

After living with and raising two healthy boys for the past four years, I still freak out all the time that they will die in their sleep.  Today Greyson was still sleeping at 4:45.  He didn't make one sound from the time I put him down around 1 and I was starting to worry.  He normally naps for 2-3 hours, but he had been sleeping nearly 4 hours.  I was going to post on facebook if I should wake a sleeping baby or not...but then my first thought was..."what if he's dead and then I have to let everyone know we've lost another babe.".  

I know.  I'm crazy.  So...

I went upstairs, praying the whole time, and crept into his room and touched his arm.  Cold.  His skin was cold.  Too cold.  My heart sank.  I couldn't see him breathe.  I couldn't hear him breather.  I touched his tummy and still, he didn't move.  He was still.  I panicked. I tried to feel his breath...and still nothing.  

Freak out!

And then it happened.  He moved.  He rolled over and then he woke.  He was fine.  The kid was just sleeping.  He probably needed it.  I probably should have let him sleep longer, but no.  I freaked out.  

I know.  I'm crazy.  I often wonder if I would be this way if I hadn't held two of my children's lifeless bodies in my arms.  I always thought I'd be a super relaxed kind of mom...I'm realizing I'm pretty far from that.  

Mothers of loss, does this sound familiar, or am I just in my own little crazy world over here? 

Memorial Ink

10 August 2012

In two days I am finally getting memorial tattoo's for my beautiful baby girls.  I've thought a ton about this.  I've never gotten a tattoo before.  It's something I've wanted for so long.  I have a ton of friends that are inked and I find them beautiful.  But I've never found anything that I've wanted to place on my body forever...but then Jorai passed...and then Selah.  I thought about getting tattoo's of their names, and of their foot prints or their hand prints...but then I found it.  Something that represented them perfectly and something I knew that I could look at for the rest of my life and love.  A sweet little swirly, girly heart.  Two actually.  A similarly different one on each wrist with Jorai's name under the one on my left wrist, Selah on my right.  

I've gotten two questions when I've told people about my memorial tattoo's.  One is simply, why am I getting them.  The other is if I'll get tattoo's for my sons as well. SO first off, I'm getting them because living with loss is hard.  It's a challenge every day.  It's hard to describe to someone who hasn't gone through it, or some other dramatic loss.  But nearly every day I'm asked or reminded about my girls.  And describing a life of having four children but only being able to enjoy/see/live with two of them, is so hard.  

Having Asher and Greyson is such a blessing.  I laugh every day and I enjoy my life...but there's always a huge part of me missing.  There is always a hole...kind of like this gaping black hole that hides in the corner of the room, waiting to suck me in...but I'm always to stay just out of it's reach and keep myself breathing.  hmmm....I can see my boys, and hug them, and laugh with them...tickle them, read to them, kiss them and play with them.  They're here.  Living and breathing and occupying my space.   

Because I don't have that with my girls, I guess, I just want a piece of them on me at all times.  I want them with me, physically.  My memory of them in my arms is all I have and even those are fleeting.  I have a  few photos and blankets that touched them.  But I want a piece of them with me.  I want to look down at any time and see their names blazing on my wrists.  I want them a part of me physically and I want a part of them, as much as can be, physically here.  They get forgotten, not talked about, and pushed aside by too many, but not by me.  This little outwardly expression of the impact their short lives have made upon me, will forever be etched into me.  In a way, this little expression can never be taken from me.  Maybe it's just my way of holding on to them.   

Anyway...on to question two, will I get tattoo's for my sons as well...probably not, but the verdict is still out.  Why not?  Well, for me, like I said above, they're here on this earth with me.  I see them and hear them and smell them and can touch them.  They are here, reminding me they're here every second of the day.  I can share them with people in a physical way.  In a way I will  never be able to share my daughters.  

I don't know.  I'm super nervous.  I'm super excited.  And I simply can't wait.  Six years ago I had both the physical and emotional pain of birthing my first daughter, silently.  Three and a half years later, I had the same pain birthing my second daughter.  On Sunday, though the pain scares me, it also excites me.  To feel anything other than sorrow for my daughters will be wonderful.  To feel pain, plus have a little piece of them place upon my body forever, is a little indescribable.