to help or not to help

have you ever tried to help someone only to walk away hurt, wondering what you did wrong?  

i like to help.  that's one of my things.  i've always wanted to be 'there' if someone needs me.  but some days, in those 'helping' times, i feel as if i'm not helping.  sometimes it's not until later, where i realize that maybe i didn't help.  and in those times, i feel like shit. is it me?  have i done or said something wrong?  or is it the person who is so blind to their pain and sin that all their fingers are pointed towards others, instead of themselves?

these situations, the times where i feel guilty for trying to help someone,  make me gun shy. it makes me not want to help.  it toys with my already low self esteem.  it makes me think that i'm only harming and not helping.  it makes me want to run back into my cave and stop reaching out.  and i know that's wrong.  

we're all just so broken.  people manipulate and try to control situations.  we're selfish.  and some people will do anything and hurt anyone to make themselves feel better.  it's situations like this that hurt me.  

i try to have grace with people.  with all people.  i try to see them through the eyes of Christ.  which i fail miserably at, yet i still try.  and if i reach out to those how are hurting, and get slapped in the face with guilt and hurt, how do i continue?  how do i find the strength to stand back up and help the next person.  how do i continue to see them through the eyes of Christ when all i see is how they treated me?  how do i let go of the extra slab of insecurity this horrible encounter just made and find the strength to push on, when all i want to do is give up.  

it makes me realize how much easier it would be to throw my faith away and follow all of my own wants and desires rather than God's.  if i could just spit in the face of all those who have hurt me instead of turning my cheek, it would be a lot easier...but how would that feel in the end?  i get hurt living my life for Christ, but the thing i have is Him.  His love, His grace, His strength, His forgiveness.  i have Jesus. it may be a harder life to live, but it's so much more satisfying.  it's so much fuller and bright. 

so yeah, i guess, bring it on, all you people out there that need to trample me.  that need to push me down in order to make yourselves feel better or maybe just to hide behind your own hurt.  because as much as there are times where i want to give up, i'm stubborn as hell.   and i'm living for something much more greater than me.  and though, i may be this hurt little girl inside who can barely get the words out at times, i'm still the one who's standing here, waiting to help, just as Someone was once waiting for me.