the life of a mama
Before kids, I thought I had it all worked out. How I'd be as a mom, the choices I'd make. I'd look at other moms and think, 'I'd NEVER do that'...but then Asher graced my life and all my 'plans', all my thoughts about parenthood flew out the window and my life completely changed.
I have no alone time...I relish my minutes that Asher is sleeping, yet that brings on a guilt I can't describe. I can't wait until the weekend comes because then I have help and can 'enjoy' my day more...but just typing that brings on guilt! I worry about how Asher is growing, how he's developing. I'm constantly comparing him to other peoples kids and then think 'Shouldn't Asher be able to do that yet?'. My sex life has changed. My conversations with my husband have changed. Simply put, our entire relationship has changed and it's taken a lot to get used to. We're starting to re-connect and find our way back to normal conversations, but It's been hard. I just realized that I don't even remember the last time I hugged him. I mean, really hugged him. The kind of hug that just feels so damn good. Yea, I've given him the 'hi hunny, please take the kid' hug, but not the 'I've missed you so much and am so glad to see you' kind of hug in forever.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because it's the truth. I want you all to know that I love my amazing little boy with all my heart. He cracks me up. I miss him if I'm away from him for more than 30 minutes. It's ridiculous. As much as I love his bedtime, by the time 10 rolls around I'm in need of another Asher hug. He has filled my life in ways I can't describe. But he's also make my life crash into a cement wall and I'm trying desperately to pick up the pieces and superglue them back together. I'm telling you this, because I think a lot of mama's feel the same way, but for some reason we don't talk about it.
I have a great group of girlfriends and we are all super open about our feelings and struggles. And thank God for them! If I didn't have them in my life, I would feel so alone! So, thank you girls! But I also know women who paint a rosy, picture perfect life for every one to see and I know they're feeling the same way I do. If you're reading this and want to talk, email me!
Katie told me about a book one day and I finally got around to checking it out from CADL. It's called 'I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids'. I've only read the first chapter, but I already know what I'm going to give all my friends who are pregnant. Not to read anytime soon...but to sit on the shelf for the day where you realize 'Boy do I love this child of mine, but what ever happened to me? Where am I? How did my relationship with my husband get here? Is this normal?'.
It's so refreshing to not feel alone. It's so refreshing to know that I'm not a crap mama. It's refreshing to know that other women feel these things and struggle with life and the choices we, as mama's make. If you haven't read this book, I suggest looking it up. And to all you mama's out there...no matter how you raise your kids, what you feed them, if you let them watch TV, if you homeschool or private school or public school your kids, if you close your bedroom door and slowly drink a glass of wine because you child is testing your every nerve...You're not alone...and you're not a bad mama. We've all been there and it's time to start lifting other mama's up rather than stomping them down. Let's stop the judging both of others and ourselves. Let's stop the lies we tell others about how together we have it all. Let's band together, learn from one another, laugh together, cry together and mostly just be real with one another. Let's let go of the things we can't change and work on things we can. Let's be grateful for all that we have, love on our little people as well as our husbands...but let us not forget about ourselves. And always remember, you're a good mama.
I have no alone time...I relish my minutes that Asher is sleeping, yet that brings on a guilt I can't describe. I can't wait until the weekend comes because then I have help and can 'enjoy' my day more...but just typing that brings on guilt! I worry about how Asher is growing, how he's developing. I'm constantly comparing him to other peoples kids and then think 'Shouldn't Asher be able to do that yet?'. My sex life has changed. My conversations with my husband have changed. Simply put, our entire relationship has changed and it's taken a lot to get used to. We're starting to re-connect and find our way back to normal conversations, but It's been hard. I just realized that I don't even remember the last time I hugged him. I mean, really hugged him. The kind of hug that just feels so damn good. Yea, I've given him the 'hi hunny, please take the kid' hug, but not the 'I've missed you so much and am so glad to see you' kind of hug in forever.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because it's the truth. I want you all to know that I love my amazing little boy with all my heart. He cracks me up. I miss him if I'm away from him for more than 30 minutes. It's ridiculous. As much as I love his bedtime, by the time 10 rolls around I'm in need of another Asher hug. He has filled my life in ways I can't describe. But he's also make my life crash into a cement wall and I'm trying desperately to pick up the pieces and superglue them back together. I'm telling you this, because I think a lot of mama's feel the same way, but for some reason we don't talk about it.
I have a great group of girlfriends and we are all super open about our feelings and struggles. And thank God for them! If I didn't have them in my life, I would feel so alone! So, thank you girls! But I also know women who paint a rosy, picture perfect life for every one to see and I know they're feeling the same way I do. If you're reading this and want to talk, email me!
Katie told me about a book one day and I finally got around to checking it out from CADL. It's called 'I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids'. I've only read the first chapter, but I already know what I'm going to give all my friends who are pregnant. Not to read anytime soon...but to sit on the shelf for the day where you realize 'Boy do I love this child of mine, but what ever happened to me? Where am I? How did my relationship with my husband get here? Is this normal?'.
It's so refreshing to not feel alone. It's so refreshing to know that I'm not a crap mama. It's refreshing to know that other women feel these things and struggle with life and the choices we, as mama's make. If you haven't read this book, I suggest looking it up. And to all you mama's out there...no matter how you raise your kids, what you feed them, if you let them watch TV, if you homeschool or private school or public school your kids, if you close your bedroom door and slowly drink a glass of wine because you child is testing your every nerve...You're not alone...and you're not a bad mama. We've all been there and it's time to start lifting other mama's up rather than stomping them down. Let's stop the judging both of others and ourselves. Let's stop the lies we tell others about how together we have it all. Let's band together, learn from one another, laugh together, cry together and mostly just be real with one another. Let's let go of the things we can't change and work on things we can. Let's be grateful for all that we have, love on our little people as well as our husbands...but let us not forget about ourselves. And always remember, you're a good mama.
Comments
It twists my heart up to feel both frustration and pure love at the same time... and it's too easy to feel guilty when you're honest about how tough being a mama is. Honesty doesn't mean I'm not grateful - doesn't mean I don't adore my kids or that I would trade away any part of my life. It just means that in this world we will have trouble - and God gave us other people to help us through that.
Thanks, friend.