'God only gives you what you can handle'

I've been thinking a lot about this statement. So many people use it. I've used it. I used to think it was biblical, but from what I can tell...it's really not. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says

'But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.'

But that's temptation...not bad things happening. So unless, proven otherwise, I think the above quote is crap. Total and utter crap. If it's not, then explain suicide? Why do people end it all when things get too tough? I mean, if God truly only gives us what we can handle, then why for some, is it their breaking point? And why when people go through shitty stuff, do Christians tell them to read Job? Is it to make them feel like crap for being so weak and yelling at God? Is it to prove that they're sucky Christians? I mean, aren't they telling you that if Job can go through all the loss and humiliation that he did and still have faith and love and honor for God, then by all means, so should you?

Job always makes me feel like shit. Before any of my losses, I loved that book. I mean what an extraordinary man of faith! How cool is that! I used to think that if I could be an eighth as strong as he was, than I would be happy. But then when Jorai passed, I was told to read through it. That it would help me. Yea. For me, and I know it could be wonderful for others...but for me, it only made me feel worse.

I've really had a hard time with the loss of Selah. It's been so different than with Jorai. Some things are a bit easier, but there are so many things that are harder. Although I was gutted when Jorai passed and I was mad and sad and had a lot of choice words to say to Christ, I quickly started to believe that maybe He needed Steve and I to go through our loss to help others. I started to think that maybe I could be used, to help others, be a comfort, help hospitals with resources or grow a garden at the church for a safe place to mourn or remember. And as much as I still ached for Jorai, I found comfort in the way I could reach out to others and be there as not many others can be. But then we lost Selah, I just thought why? I mean, did he seriously need to take Selah? Couldn't we help people with only our loss with Jorai. Selah? Really? I seriously think this is just some cruel joke. I have a hard time truly seeing this but sometimes I wonder if He's laughing up there? I know I sound horrible to say these things, as part of my heart knows He loves me and aches for my pain, but there's another part that truly feels these things. And if I'm being honest at all, I need to get them out.

I keep hearing how he loves us and how we need to trust him. At Christmas I was suppose to honor Him and celebrate Him, but how can I? How can I trust Him? How can I feel His love? How can He love us so much and take away not 1, but 2 of our babies? It's just so hard. I want to scream. And how can I feel so damn conflicted about it too? How can I feel a love for God and guilty for being so mad at him...while at the same time an overpower sense of anger and retaliation?

I know it sounds horrible to even compare the two, but I keep thinking about loving a murderer. How do you do that. Granted God didn't murder my children, but He sure let it happen. And how do I deal with that? How do I celebrate a murderers birthday? How do I celebrate someone who has brought me such sorrow? How do I trust Him again, love Him? What do I do with all this?

I can be that person and live my life having both of my daughters ripped from my womb. I can live my life with the knowledge that I'll never meet them on earth, but why? I can some what wrap my mind around losing Jorai, but to have 2 babies taken from me...and not only taken from me, but He waited until I had to birth them, and hold them, and grieve for them in such a real, raw way, rather just knowing they were 'gone' through a miscarriage. Why did He do that? I prayed so much about the health of Selah. About her cord and breath and safe delivery. I even prayed that if He had to take her, to just please do it before week 20 so I wouldn't have to deliver another dead baby. But no. He chose again to crush my spirit. To take away another huge part of joy and hope in me. I just can't wrap my mind or my heart around a loving God who could do that.

I find myself void of emotion at times. I sit here in silence and just stare. Or as I hear Asher scream in happiness, my once smile stretched face will be hung low in solace. I want to feel joy again, but for now, I know it eludes me. All I can see is my loss. I see it every where. At my sagging belly, the silence in my womb, the books that arrived a few days after losing Selah 'Waiting for baby' and 'I'm going to be a big brother', the condolence cards that keep piling up, knowing that Asher may never have a living sibling...that one crushes me, when I slip and accidentally say 'When the kids get older'...every thing. I can't get away from it. I want to get back in the world, but I don't want to see the looks people give me or know they have no idea what to say, so they don't say anything...which is horrible...please say something.

I don't know. I just feel so lost. I feel so conflicted. I feel so alone and hurt and frustrated. I feel horrible. I can't seem to grasp any reason for this to happen again. I feel guilty that I never got genetic counseling with Jorai. Though we were never given that choice. And I never thought of it on my own, but could we have spared Selah if we got it? Or would we have just given up the hope of having another child, and never have been blessed with our amazing son. I don't know. I know I shouldn't look backwards, but in a way, that's all I have. All I have is the feelings I felt with Selah. I miss her. I miss her gentle kicks and feeling her bottom press against my side. I just miss her so. Why did You have to take another one of my children? Why?