life with a toddler and 2 dead babies
I always hated seeing those words. dead baby. I always thought that there was a better way to say it. Maybe it's the bitterness that makes me chose those words instead of others. I don't know.
Life has been challenging the past 3 days. I've been trying to be happy and energetic for Asher. He already senses something has happened. He won't let us out of his sight. When he can't see us, he starts wailing and he clings to us when we pick him up. This morning he clung to me the entire time I was upstairs getting him something to wear and then again in the living room while watching Curious George, he crawled up, hung on tight to my neck and wrapped his feet around my waist as he laid his head on my shoulder. He stayed in that position for 15 minutes. He's never done that. So I'm trying to be 'normal' for him. It's been challenging.
Eating is hard. We have food, but nothing tastes good. I'm hungry, but what's the point? I remember that with Jorai. I only ate a small portion every day. It's so strange to go from ravenous to anorexic within 1 minute. I know I need to keep my strength up, but it's just so hard. It's so hard to be normal when you feel so abnormal.
Keeping my emotions in check has been hard. I want to scream at most everyone. If I'm not being heard or someone is being testy or I'm being annoyed. I just want to scream. I have a bit of a short fuse to begin with, but this is crazy.
I'm devastated, but not clinically. So many people are telling me to get help or take a drug. It kind of pisses me off. I would have NO problem getting help if I felt I needed help and I know people are only trying to help, but it really is starting to piss me off. I won't hurt anyone and I'd never hurt myself. No matter how hard things get. That's just not me. I've been through the whole suicide darkness with a friend and that's one thing that I'd never let my family go through with me. never.
My mind keeps reeling about what I can do. How I can help others in the future. How can I make Jorai and Selah live on through me, through Steve and through Asher. I have some ideas and I know I need time to let things settle in and heal, but the thoughts keep coming. Websites and books and gardens and art. Anything. Everything. We have 3 children, but the view from the outside is that we only have 1. I want that view to change.
I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders. Literally. I feel drug down. I feel heavy with burden, heavy with anger and heavy with sadness. I don't want to hear that God can take it away. I'm not ready to forgive him yet. I'm not ready to let Him in. I know I'm being selfish, I know I'm being childish. But I just can't. Not yet. I can't pray for me, for us or our situation. I can't talk to Him about Jorai or Selah. I just can't. But I find it interesting that the moment I heard bad, real bad, news about Steve's highschool friends daughter this morning, my first action was to pray for them. So I guess my faith is still there, but there's a veil separating me from Him. I don't know...I just think it's interesting.
After you lose someone, at least after we lost both girls, our world changed for awhile. And now with facebook, we notice it even more. After Jorai passed, we would notice people on the street or in a store and they just acted so normal. We couldn't figure it out. But it pissed us off. We couldn't understand how normal they could be when we were going through such devastation. Now with facebook, it's in our face even more and during the holidays it's been horrible. Everyone's so blasted happy or stressed or making some mundane comment about life and though that's what I'd be doing as well if I had a kicking baby within me, they just all seems so trivial now. It makes us want to scream. And how judgmental and hypocritical is that?!?! And we know it. But still, it pisses us off. In our sorrow, we can only think, how can people be so happy when we're hurting so much. It's such a strange dichotomy.
It's always been so amazing and we've felt so blessed to have all of our friends and family and acquaintances in our lives. When we lost Jorai and now after losing Selah, people come out of the woodwork to send us notes or food or cards or texts or whatever. I mean, I know our friends and family would be there, but to see so many people help us, we feel like we don't deserve the kindness. We appreciate it and it makes us feel so unbelievably loved and supported, but I can only sit in astonishment that so many people are thinking and praying and supporting us. It's overwhelming. I feel conflicted. I feel the worst pain I've ever felt but at the same time, I feel the most loved. How can you feel death and love at the same time?
Thank you, every one of you who have reached out in any way. I truly appreciate it. We truly appreciate it. Know that we want to contact every one of you and thank you from the bottom of our hearts, but we simply can't right now. We can barely keep it together. We're trying to find some peace. We're trying to keep it together, but we seem to be failing miserably. But please know, we're getting your calls and emails and texts and food and notes and prayers and thoughts and we simply cannot thank you enough. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for supporting us and thinking of us. You all mean so much to us. Thank you. Thank you.
Life has been challenging the past 3 days. I've been trying to be happy and energetic for Asher. He already senses something has happened. He won't let us out of his sight. When he can't see us, he starts wailing and he clings to us when we pick him up. This morning he clung to me the entire time I was upstairs getting him something to wear and then again in the living room while watching Curious George, he crawled up, hung on tight to my neck and wrapped his feet around my waist as he laid his head on my shoulder. He stayed in that position for 15 minutes. He's never done that. So I'm trying to be 'normal' for him. It's been challenging.
Eating is hard. We have food, but nothing tastes good. I'm hungry, but what's the point? I remember that with Jorai. I only ate a small portion every day. It's so strange to go from ravenous to anorexic within 1 minute. I know I need to keep my strength up, but it's just so hard. It's so hard to be normal when you feel so abnormal.
Keeping my emotions in check has been hard. I want to scream at most everyone. If I'm not being heard or someone is being testy or I'm being annoyed. I just want to scream. I have a bit of a short fuse to begin with, but this is crazy.
I'm devastated, but not clinically. So many people are telling me to get help or take a drug. It kind of pisses me off. I would have NO problem getting help if I felt I needed help and I know people are only trying to help, but it really is starting to piss me off. I won't hurt anyone and I'd never hurt myself. No matter how hard things get. That's just not me. I've been through the whole suicide darkness with a friend and that's one thing that I'd never let my family go through with me. never.
My mind keeps reeling about what I can do. How I can help others in the future. How can I make Jorai and Selah live on through me, through Steve and through Asher. I have some ideas and I know I need time to let things settle in and heal, but the thoughts keep coming. Websites and books and gardens and art. Anything. Everything. We have 3 children, but the view from the outside is that we only have 1. I want that view to change.
I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders. Literally. I feel drug down. I feel heavy with burden, heavy with anger and heavy with sadness. I don't want to hear that God can take it away. I'm not ready to forgive him yet. I'm not ready to let Him in. I know I'm being selfish, I know I'm being childish. But I just can't. Not yet. I can't pray for me, for us or our situation. I can't talk to Him about Jorai or Selah. I just can't. But I find it interesting that the moment I heard bad, real bad, news about Steve's highschool friends daughter this morning, my first action was to pray for them. So I guess my faith is still there, but there's a veil separating me from Him. I don't know...I just think it's interesting.
After you lose someone, at least after we lost both girls, our world changed for awhile. And now with facebook, we notice it even more. After Jorai passed, we would notice people on the street or in a store and they just acted so normal. We couldn't figure it out. But it pissed us off. We couldn't understand how normal they could be when we were going through such devastation. Now with facebook, it's in our face even more and during the holidays it's been horrible. Everyone's so blasted happy or stressed or making some mundane comment about life and though that's what I'd be doing as well if I had a kicking baby within me, they just all seems so trivial now. It makes us want to scream. And how judgmental and hypocritical is that?!?! And we know it. But still, it pisses us off. In our sorrow, we can only think, how can people be so happy when we're hurting so much. It's such a strange dichotomy.
It's always been so amazing and we've felt so blessed to have all of our friends and family and acquaintances in our lives. When we lost Jorai and now after losing Selah, people come out of the woodwork to send us notes or food or cards or texts or whatever. I mean, I know our friends and family would be there, but to see so many people help us, we feel like we don't deserve the kindness. We appreciate it and it makes us feel so unbelievably loved and supported, but I can only sit in astonishment that so many people are thinking and praying and supporting us. It's overwhelming. I feel conflicted. I feel the worst pain I've ever felt but at the same time, I feel the most loved. How can you feel death and love at the same time?
Thank you, every one of you who have reached out in any way. I truly appreciate it. We truly appreciate it. Know that we want to contact every one of you and thank you from the bottom of our hearts, but we simply can't right now. We can barely keep it together. We're trying to find some peace. We're trying to keep it together, but we seem to be failing miserably. But please know, we're getting your calls and emails and texts and food and notes and prayers and thoughts and we simply cannot thank you enough. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for supporting us and thinking of us. You all mean so much to us. Thank you. Thank you.
Comments
Just coming by to say, again, thank you for your honesty.
I feel the same way - not ready to "forgive". Just angry. About a lot of things.
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