Memories of Asher at 19 months

My dear son,

I feel the past 7 weeks have been just as rough on you as it has for your Papa and I. I know you don't feel the pain we do...I know you don't know what happened, and for that I'm grateful. But I know, you know, something happened. I know you see our anguish and you ache to help us, but don't know how. I know you sense our impatience, and at times, you even see it play out in your life. I know you don't see us smile as much as we used to. You don't hear our laughter as you once did. We don't play with you as we used to. But my dear son, I want you to know that we will get better. We will laugh more and smile more and play with you more and more as each day dawns.

And because your life has changed and you probably feel the emotional shift from those who love you the most, I want you to know that we love you more today than we ever have. You are our joy. You are the one that brings smiles to our face and laughter to our bellies. I want you to know this and I never want you to forget it. You, my son, are our dream come true. You are our child. And we love you so very much.

Love, your mama.

Things to remember from the life of a, 3 day shy, 19 month old boy:

• You're still not saying a ton, but you're trying to repeat a lot of what I say. Right now the words you say all the time are: Mama, Papa, ball, all done, milk, bread, apple, bug, bus, car, shoes, cheese, bird, baby, diaper, no (and NO!, NO! NO!!!), yes, ouch, juice, uuh-oh!, ostrich...yeah, I don't understand that one!, bubbo (which means Turbo, the neighborhood dog), ney-ney (Nathaniel), bubble, badge, nur (nurse).
• There are things you don't say, but make a noise for..those are: hahaha(breathing out fast) for monkeys, roar for tigers and lions, cah-cah for birds, you make a high pitched wine for kitties and you make a kissy sound for dogs...we haven't been able to figure that one out!,
• You are starting to walk up to us and grab our arm or push on our back to move us to where you want us to be.
• You like to stand on your bookshelf, so you can reach the light switch.
• You love to bang things. Love it! We bought you a music table that has a drum, xylophone, cymbal and shakers and you stand there and pound it over and over again. Then you stop, put down your mallets and clap.
• You like to say no. Lately you'll tell Mama 'no' if you don't like the song she's singing to you and you won't stop until she sings a song you approve of.
• You love playing chase through your play house and tunnel. You've trained Papa to chase you too and Mama cracks up watching him get stuck in the tunnel.
• You like to 'pop' your blueberries by smooshing them under your finger.
• You love to wash your hands.
• You walk up to people, cock your head to get their attention by placing your face within inches of theirs, and then you laugh.
• You love cats and dogs. You're surprisingly gentle with them and you like to give kitties kisses.
• You also love to kiss and hug friends and babies. You're a real lover.
• You give fist pounds and high fives.
• You could care less about trains but love tools.
• You dance to anything and everything. You'll even start jiggin' out if mama sings or pounds on your music table.
• You love stickers and bubbles.
• Every morning, after mama wishes you a good morning you ask for Papa, then say bye bye and then ask for bubbles...it goes like this...Papa?Papa?byebye...byebye...bubble. We have no idea why you do this, but it cracks us up every time.
• You have to have your turtle, plane book, horsey book and cloth book whenever you go to bed. If you don't have them, you fuss...as soon as you see them in your crib, you lay your head upon one book, hug another and look at the third. It's too funny.
• All day long you try to open and 'unload' the dishwasher. You know you're not suppose to do it, so you slyly open it and once you've grabbed something, you quickly turn and run away with it.
• You want to go outside all day, but the moment one of us try to put a coat and gloves on you, you run away.
• In saying that, you love playing the cat an mouse game. All day...every day.
• You L-O-V-E your trampoline and you can really get some air. You like to 'tell' one of us to crawl underneath it so we can push up on your feet to make you jump higher.
• You love playing with the old school cardboard blocks. You always want Papa to make a tower that goes all the way up to the ceiling. You like to 'chop' it down with your styrofoam sword and when they topple down, you cover your head to protect yourself.
• You love to ride Papa like a horsey. 
• You got a guitar from us for Christmas and that has been on of your favorite toys. You hold it like an actual guitar and as you play it, you dance.
• You're no where near being potty trained, but you do have a potty...you use it to stand in.
• You love your friends, you love to play with them, but you hate being alone. We want you to be OK with being away from us, but you're just not ready. Every Saturday we talk up RivKids all day. We tell you how much fun it'll be playing with friends and blowing bubbles...you're excited to go all day, but the moment we walk up to the room, you grip a hold of us so hard. You cry when we leave, so we always come back to get you. But that's OK. You'll be OK in time and we're fine waiting, so don't worry about it.
• You love to be drug around wrapped up in a blanket.
• You play peek-a-boo every time we sit down to eat.
• You're a dunker. You dunk everything and anything. Last week you dunked blackberries in ranch and kiwi in ketchup. We can't decide which one would be worse...but you seemed to enjoy them both.
• You like watching PBS in the morning. You like Curious George and Word Wise.
• You've been snubbing your oatmeal in the morning, so Mama blends it up in Kefir and you drink it down no problem...if you only knew!!! She also sneaks veggies into your yogurt. Yup...she's sneaky.
• When you're naughty, I ask you if you want to go to timeout and you instantly say 'no' and stop what you're doing. You've officially gone into timeout twice. It consists of sitting in a pack-n-play for a minute...I can't believe it's affected you so much, but I'm not complaining!
• You know Mama means business...just one look from her will stop you in your tracks. It's pretty comical to watch you manipulate us. We think we're going to have a fun, but at times difficult, road ahead of us. But we'll love each step with you!

Your smiles warms our heart every day. Your laugh breaks through the clouds and your wit cracks us up. We love you madly and are so proud of the little boy you're growing into. We love walking this journey with you. You are amazing my son and we love you so very much. Never, ever forget that. Thank you for being you. Never lose yourself. You are perfect in every way.