sweet baby cookin' boy
I've secretly, or maybe not so secretly, been putting you in the corner. I've tried not getting attached to the thought of you. I've tried to love you at a distance, as well as I can, since you're inside of me. I feel you move and hiccup, I see you wiggle and squint during ultrasounds, and I should be jumping up and down with excitement, but there's a part of me that pushes that feeling away.
But I want you to know. I love you. More than I want to admit. More than I want to let on. I'm scared. I'm petrified. Every. Single. Moment. I want you here. I want you in my arms, but I'm so afraid of how you'll come...how you'll be in my arms. Will you be a wiggly, warm, screaming little boy? Or will you be cold? Still? Pale? Blue?
Sweet baby boy, I've realized that I only have to wait 8 more weeks...give or take a day or two. 8 more weeks. You're nearly 32 weeks old...gestationally. You're low, really low. In my hips low...not engaged, but nearly there, kicking my bladder, rubbing my organs. You're pushing out with all your might and starting to get fed up with the outside pushes your big brother likes to share with you. And I just want you to know that I'm starting to let my fear fall away a tad. I'm starting to have hope. I'm starting to think, even though I know there's no 'safe week' or day for you, that maybe these next few weeks will be OK. Though my mind knows the 32 week mark is another high stilbirth week, I'm allowing myself to be hopeful.
I started cleaning out your room this weekend. I've moved in your dresser and Grandma and Grandpa brought your new bookshelf home. Asher even helped me fill it up with books and toys for you this morning. Before his nap, he brought up a box of books especially for you. He's so excited to meet you. Every day he tells me that he wants to play toys with you, read you stories and hold you. As soon as he sees my belly, he bends down to kiss you, he says 'baby!' in a typical grandma 'baby' voice. He rubs my belly and talks to you.
I just want you to know, I'm scared and worried and at times I try to not feel the love I have for you, but there's no denying it babe. I love you. With all I have. Your Papa loves you and your big brother loves you. We can't wait to see you and meet you and kiss you and get to know every inch and aspect of you. We're getting ready for you, my sweet little bean. We're so excited to meet you. Nobody puts baby in the corner.
But I want you to know. I love you. More than I want to admit. More than I want to let on. I'm scared. I'm petrified. Every. Single. Moment. I want you here. I want you in my arms, but I'm so afraid of how you'll come...how you'll be in my arms. Will you be a wiggly, warm, screaming little boy? Or will you be cold? Still? Pale? Blue?
Sweet baby boy, I've realized that I only have to wait 8 more weeks...give or take a day or two. 8 more weeks. You're nearly 32 weeks old...gestationally. You're low, really low. In my hips low...not engaged, but nearly there, kicking my bladder, rubbing my organs. You're pushing out with all your might and starting to get fed up with the outside pushes your big brother likes to share with you. And I just want you to know that I'm starting to let my fear fall away a tad. I'm starting to have hope. I'm starting to think, even though I know there's no 'safe week' or day for you, that maybe these next few weeks will be OK. Though my mind knows the 32 week mark is another high stilbirth week, I'm allowing myself to be hopeful.
I started cleaning out your room this weekend. I've moved in your dresser and Grandma and Grandpa brought your new bookshelf home. Asher even helped me fill it up with books and toys for you this morning. Before his nap, he brought up a box of books especially for you. He's so excited to meet you. Every day he tells me that he wants to play toys with you, read you stories and hold you. As soon as he sees my belly, he bends down to kiss you, he says 'baby!' in a typical grandma 'baby' voice. He rubs my belly and talks to you.
I just want you to know, I'm scared and worried and at times I try to not feel the love I have for you, but there's no denying it babe. I love you. With all I have. Your Papa loves you and your big brother loves you. We can't wait to see you and meet you and kiss you and get to know every inch and aspect of you. We're getting ready for you, my sweet little bean. We're so excited to meet you. Nobody puts baby in the corner.
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