grief, loss and blessings

i've been thinking a lot lately about pain. why people have to go through so much, why some go through so little. i look at the pain steve and i have traveled through this past year, how we're still traveling through it, and though at times it's all consuming to us, in the broad scope of things, it's so minuscule to what others have faced.

my dear friend lost her baby boy when he was only 3 days old and since losing him, has gone through some miscarriages. she's so strong, so positive. in fact, she seems to be the strongest woman i know with a faith and positive attitude that shines on everyone around. yet this latest loss has taken an effect on her that's hard for me to see. i feel her pain like no other. i sense her, crumbling in a way. as i used to feel crumbled. her pain crushes me.

i was talking to a woman at church a few weeks ago about my pregnancy and losing Jorai and she told me that she too lost a child in late term and since then she lost multiple babies through miscarriage. i can't remember the number but it was over 10. she lost over 11 babies. she was never able to carry to term. her husband and her never became parents.

these are just 2 stories. after going through our loss and doing research and getting on message boards, i hear the stories, i feel the pain, i am consumed with the feeling of being crumbled all over again. i look at the pictures of those children who came too early and lost their lives. their faces haunt me. though i continue to look at them because i want to recognize them. i want to honor their short lives, but it hurts. their faces are burned into my soul.

why are these children being taken from families. families that want children. families that have planned for and saved for and gone through fertility treatments and are aching to be parents...why are women losing their babes time after time again? i just don't understand, can't comprehend this and i know i won't ever know until i'm able to ask God. and i know that it's all in His greater plan. i can wrap my mind around that...but i can't wrap my mind around the pain. i can't understand how He allows children and/or abusive women to have children while He continues to take away the babes of loving couples who just desperately want to love and support and give to a child. i don't understand why He gives some people so much pain in life.

this has been heavy on my heart this week. this pain. the pain that so many women face every day. to think that over 70 families will deliver a stillborn child today rips at my heart. and 10-15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage...10-15%! why does this happen? why is it so easy for some to get pregnant and deliver healthy babies while it's so excruciatingly difficult and painful for others?

i feel more and more blessed as each day passes and i continue to feel our baby grow and thrive within me. when we get to look into our newborn baby's eyes, i'll think about this and how blessed we are. i'll think about our daughter Jorai and how she would have loved to have a sibling, but never got that chance. i'll think of my friends children who never survived and all the parents out there trying over and over again to conceive and carry a child to term.

my heart will ache for all those who have lost a child and my soul will jump for my joy, the moment i first look into my child's beautiful eyes. i think this is so important...remember the pain you've traveled through, that other's have traveled through and be blessed with all you have and are given. life is so precious.

so precious.