misses
I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling Selah. I miss hope. I miss planning a future with 2 living children. I hate talking about pregnancies and it seems where ever I go, that's what people are talking about. It sucks. I want to be OK. I want to talk about my friends pregnancies. I want to think about a future. I want to have hope of a future. I want to feel movement within me.
I miss feeling OK. Most days I'm functioning alright. I'm dealing. I'm breathing. I'm sad, but I can still enjoy my life, my son. I can laugh and be OK with it. But then I have other days that aren't so great. Yesterday was one of them. Yesterday was complete and utter shit. Asher woke all too early, my nerves were shot and he was testing me each and every minute. I almost broke in the afternoon. After Asher decided to repeatedly hit me with the hose extension from our vacuum and then spit his chocolate milk directly into my face, I had it. I threw the hose thingy up the stairs...which put a pretty nice dent in the wall...whatever...and threw his sippy in the sink, I left him wailing in the living room as I went out on the porch to finally tear down the Christmas lights. Tearing being the best word to describe it. I'd be surprised if they actually work next year. He was fine. He could see me the entire time, but I had to get out. I had to leave the situation. I think I scared my neighbors...but I just knew I had to get out.
So why am I telling you about my mother of the year award day...well, I have to. I have to get it out. I have to say that I was a shitty parent yesterday. But I also have to say that never hit my child. I wanted to. Very badly. I wanted to throw him in his room and lock the door behind me. I wanted to get in my car and drive away. I wanted to yell and scream and then fall to the floor wailing. I wanted to give up. But I never did. And I was proud of that. I wanted to give up...but I didn't. Yesterday was the hardest day I've had since losing Selah...it was the hardest day Asher and I've ever had...and I didn't give up. I didn't give into the darkness. I did call God a bastard yesterday. That was great moment. It seems my life is filled with them lately. I also told Him to fuck off. Another shining moment. Of course I immediately felt like crap about it and apologized. But yeah, my day was rough.
I miss being happy. Being content. Being OK. I miss so much. Losing Jorai was hard. It was the hardest thing I had gone through...until I lost Selah. Losing Selah has changed everything. It has taken away my hope. When I was grieving over Jorai, I was able to talk to a beautiful friend who understood my pain, as she had just lost her son. But now...now I feel like I have no one who understands. No one who understands loss like this. To have lost a child and then been blessed with a living child to only lose another. It's a whole new ballgame. I can't sit and cry all day. I have to be happy. I have to pay attention. I have to find love to give when all I feel is pain. I have to keep my calm when all I want to do is explode. I have to be patient and understanding when I'm simply done and can't take anything more.
I just miss so much. I miss going to church and feeling love and comfort just from walking into the building. I think it's because I'm having God issues. Because the people rock...it
s just hard for me to be there. I want to be there...but it's hard. I miss people looking at me with laughter in their eyes. That's a killer. The constant 'Are you OK' look. I understand it and I appreciate it, but it's killing me. I miss people looking down at my growing belly and knowing I'm pregnant, not staring at me wondering if I am. I miss, missing the taste of alcohol. I miss planning the decorations that were going to go in Selah's room. I miss talking about her. I miss Asher giving my belly, his sister, zurberts each and every day. I miss feeling happy. Truly happy.
I worry that through all of the things I miss, that I will truly miss life...miss memories...miss joy. I don't want that. I want to embrace this life. I want to find forgiveness. I want to get there. I wish there was a magic pill or time capsule so I can just take something to make it all better or go ahead to the future where happiness lies. But I can't. I need to fix this myself. I miss being OK.
I miss feeling OK. Most days I'm functioning alright. I'm dealing. I'm breathing. I'm sad, but I can still enjoy my life, my son. I can laugh and be OK with it. But then I have other days that aren't so great. Yesterday was one of them. Yesterday was complete and utter shit. Asher woke all too early, my nerves were shot and he was testing me each and every minute. I almost broke in the afternoon. After Asher decided to repeatedly hit me with the hose extension from our vacuum and then spit his chocolate milk directly into my face, I had it. I threw the hose thingy up the stairs...which put a pretty nice dent in the wall...whatever...and threw his sippy in the sink, I left him wailing in the living room as I went out on the porch to finally tear down the Christmas lights. Tearing being the best word to describe it. I'd be surprised if they actually work next year. He was fine. He could see me the entire time, but I had to get out. I had to leave the situation. I think I scared my neighbors...but I just knew I had to get out.
So why am I telling you about my mother of the year award day...well, I have to. I have to get it out. I have to say that I was a shitty parent yesterday. But I also have to say that never hit my child. I wanted to. Very badly. I wanted to throw him in his room and lock the door behind me. I wanted to get in my car and drive away. I wanted to yell and scream and then fall to the floor wailing. I wanted to give up. But I never did. And I was proud of that. I wanted to give up...but I didn't. Yesterday was the hardest day I've had since losing Selah...it was the hardest day Asher and I've ever had...and I didn't give up. I didn't give into the darkness. I did call God a bastard yesterday. That was great moment. It seems my life is filled with them lately. I also told Him to fuck off. Another shining moment. Of course I immediately felt like crap about it and apologized. But yeah, my day was rough.
I miss being happy. Being content. Being OK. I miss so much. Losing Jorai was hard. It was the hardest thing I had gone through...until I lost Selah. Losing Selah has changed everything. It has taken away my hope. When I was grieving over Jorai, I was able to talk to a beautiful friend who understood my pain, as she had just lost her son. But now...now I feel like I have no one who understands. No one who understands loss like this. To have lost a child and then been blessed with a living child to only lose another. It's a whole new ballgame. I can't sit and cry all day. I have to be happy. I have to pay attention. I have to find love to give when all I feel is pain. I have to keep my calm when all I want to do is explode. I have to be patient and understanding when I'm simply done and can't take anything more.
I just miss so much. I miss going to church and feeling love and comfort just from walking into the building. I think it's because I'm having God issues. Because the people rock...it
s just hard for me to be there. I want to be there...but it's hard. I miss people looking at me with laughter in their eyes. That's a killer. The constant 'Are you OK' look. I understand it and I appreciate it, but it's killing me. I miss people looking down at my growing belly and knowing I'm pregnant, not staring at me wondering if I am. I miss, missing the taste of alcohol. I miss planning the decorations that were going to go in Selah's room. I miss talking about her. I miss Asher giving my belly, his sister, zurberts each and every day. I miss feeling happy. Truly happy.
I worry that through all of the things I miss, that I will truly miss life...miss memories...miss joy. I don't want that. I want to embrace this life. I want to find forgiveness. I want to get there. I wish there was a magic pill or time capsule so I can just take something to make it all better or go ahead to the future where happiness lies. But I can't. I need to fix this myself. I miss being OK.
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