Showing posts from November, 2010

Why, why, why?

I really, truly try my hardest not to get pissed off at God, but it's just so damn hard sometimes. I need someone to blame. I need someone to scream at and hit and be mad at. And I don't know who else to take this up with. I know He gives and I know He takes away and we're suppose to be OK with that, but some times I'm not. Whatever that makes me, I'm OK with...because I don't think being OK with babies dying is OK. The whole process of it. The baby's death, the family's anguish, the fear, the darkness and guilt that comes next...I just don't get it.

My friend found out today that her baby had passed. She was in her second trimester, not that is really matters. Not an early loss...not a late loss...but a loss. A devastating loss. After a previous loss.

My heart aches for her and this journey that she's about to embark on. Walking through the darkness, trying to find the light and yet even when you find it, you push it away because it pi…

'Final' resting place

I've always hated those words. Final? Really? I don't know...and I've always hated urn's. The ones a normal person can afford look like tombs and the kid ones are usually boxes with angels or fairies or butterflies or worse, teddy bears on them. I just don't get it. The cool ones, ones that are art, fused or blown glass, artfully carved boxes...they all run upwards of $1000 +. All for about 2 tablespoons of ash.

There's a part of me that aches to have something nice. I mean, it's for my daughters. What does money matter? But then I think $1000? For that? Really? My child just died and your going to make that much money for that? It urks me.

A few months after Jorai passed, I found a proper container for her ashes. I actually found it at a normal store and I believe it's just a little decorative storage box. But it's pretty and red and shiny and it fits in with it's surroundings. It doesn't have huge arrows pointing to it say…


When I started this blog, I had very little followers. I used it to vent and laugh and post about things I found brilliant and funny and things I believed in. As the years went on, more people found me and started following my posts. Posts about little things, funny postings and work woes, my best friend turned into love and then a wedding and a pregnancy...and then we lost Jorai and the people who followed my blog exploded. As with probably any community, the babyloss community is a huge one, but at the same time, a super small one. And in just a few weeks, people from all over the world started to follow my loss journey.

I've always felt so blessed to have so many caring people follow my ramblings. I can feel their love and laughter, pain and sorrow through their comments. I feel a real connection to people and it's a wonderful thing. I can honestly say that I have friends out there whom I've never met physically.

I'm 100% translucent in my writings, in my em…

29 weeks

Well, we made it. 29 weeks. It's far from over and my anxiety is still high, but we made it past 3 of the 4 high stillbirth weeks. 32 is next and the 'last' scary week...and well...I actually know tons of babies who were born still at term...some even over 40 weeks. So, I know with that knowledge, that I'll be a bundle of nerves until I hear a scream and feel a warm, slimy baby placed on my chest. But there's something about making it trough the 24th week and now the 28th week that's a bit refreshing.

Yesterday Steve's Aunt gave us gifts for the new baby. They are the first we've received. I've purchased a giraffe that makes noise and I have a muslin sleeper that I purchased for Selah, but other than that, I have refused to purchase anything. There's something about receiving these gifts for the new baby that makes it all so real. I sat upstairs today playing with the crib piano and feeling the new stuffed owls and giraffe...reading the…

cutest lil' monkey in the world


How many kids do you have?

Today as I was getting entirely too many donuts for one person and my pregger belly was hanging low, the cashier asked me how far along I was. After I told her, she asked if this was my first and I simply said 'no, it's my fourth.'. Her only comment was 'Holy crap!'. I of course chuckled and waddled away.

As I was leaving the store, I realized that she thought I had 3, nearly 4 living children residing in my house. And the mere thought of it, made me so filled with joy that I could explode. Maybe even filled with pride. I do have 4 children, though some aren't here on earth. But in her eyes, I'm the one with 4 me and Steve...laughing and loving and learning and wow...laughing.... I like that.

We never wanted 4 children. Our goal was to always only have 2. And hopefully we'll have that under our roof come February, be really, we truly have 4. And see, usually when I'm asked if this is my first pregnancy and I say 'no…

Behavioral changes

What do you do when you have a child who is acting like nice kiddo one moment and as soon as a friend comes into the room, he acts like a complete neanderthal? I don't get it. I don't understand how the mere presence of one child can change the behavior of mine so drastically that we can go from a fun filled morning to a complete breakdown and have to leave the situation. What do you do if it's a good friend? What do you do if it's a good kid? How can you change the behavior of a 2 1/2 year old when he sees a different behavior being exhibited by another? And what is acceptable and what isn't?

It's so bizarre to see how his temperament and actions have changed over the course of the past month or so. Everyone see's it. It's gentler and calmer and plays nicely for the most to see his behavior change from the nice boy I've molded over the past few weeks to crazy toddler boy all within 5 minutes of a friend walking in, is so discourag…

baby boy update

I had another ultrasound this morning and everything looks great. He's big. He's measuring about a week older than he actually is. Which because I know when we conceived, I know he's just a big boy...have you seen his brother lately!?! that means 1 thing, he getting a ton of blood and nutrients! That is a good thing. The cord must be big and open and so he's nice and healthy. It's reassuring.

In saying that, I'm still a basket-case. I've been using my doppler all the time. This kiddo is an active mover, but then out of nowhere, he will turn quiet. Moving here and there minimally. It freaks me out. I'm checking for movement and blood hourly and I worry about Asher pressing too hard on my belly. I just can't wait for February.

I've been kinda frustrated with the perinatologist I saw a few months back. He told me something completely different that what he told my doc. He told me that at 24 weeks I'll start having weekly bio-p…