Showing posts from May, 2010

Asher memories

I started this blog post in February....and I figured that it's time to finally finish it. Here are the latest...and maybe not-so-latest Asher happenings:
You're obsessed with ostriches, pelicans and flamingos. You call all three ostiges. You love to watch 2 ostriches fighting on youtube...I tell you they're dancing. All day long, you ask to watch 'ostiges'. You crawled out of your crib for the first time on December 29, 2009. For 2 1/2 weeks, you didn't do it again...and then on January 13, 2010 I caught you on top of your dresser in the morning playing with your white noise. That morning, I re-arranged your bedroom. When you were suppose to be sleeping at your afternoon nap, you decided to climb out of your crib not once...not twice...but 3 times. I had to rock you to sleep that day...and when you woke, I lowered your crib an additional 3 inches. That lasted 5 weeks and 4 days. On Monday, February 22, you crawled out again and came to find mama …

Calling all prayer warriors



I'm pregnant! Seriously. Pregnant. Really? How the heck did that happen? Really? Am I ready for this? Can I do it? This one is going to be really, really hard. I want to be excited. I want to be utterly blissful, but really, I'm just nervous. I feel like I'm about to speak in-front of the world, there are that many butterflies in my belly.

I am excited. I want to talk to Asher about it...but I'm nervous. I called my doctor today to ask when she wanted to start seeing me. I was thinking that maybe she would want to start seeing me in a few weeks...maybe a month. Nope. She wants me in tomorrow. Wow...tomorrow? Really? I wasn't even seen until I was 12 weeks along with Selah...and really with this babe, I may be 10 days along right now.

So all of you, my wonderful friends, I need prayers and good thoughts and well wishes and love and support and whatever good vibes you can send my way. These coming days, weeks, months will be diffic…

Asher memory

Today as you were talking to mama after a timeout about why you shouldn't bang your drumsticks against anything other than your drums, you bent down to hug her leg. When you felt the stubble, you said 'owww!'. You couldn't figure it out. You kept bending down and touching your face against mama's leg. Each time, making a face and saying 'owww.' You tried the other leg. Same feeling. 'ouch!'. You then put your face against mama's arm and seemed to think that felt alright...and seemed to think 'then why do her legs feel funny?' You finally gave up and ran outside.

Yes my sweet, dear son, your mama has scratchy legs some days. Probably more than not. Let's just ignore the stubble and pretend that her legs are beautiful, lanky, blemish and stubble free.

Am I really content?

Today I felt...I feel, contentment. I can't place it, but I feel it. It came out of no-where and hit me like a mac truck. But it's here. I'm not sure for how long...but it's a welcomed feeling.
Jorai...I miss you so. You are my sweet first born. You were our first flutter of life and I miss you each and every day. You have left an imprint on my heart that will forever be felt. You are my sweet, sweet daughter and I love you. make me smile so hard each day that my cheeks also make me want to pull my hair out! You are my saving grace. You are my sweet punkin' pie. You are my son. You are so much. You fill me with joy and I love you more than words can express. You are amazing.

Selah...I've never felt heartbreak as I did when I lost you. You are missed every second of the day. You are my little flower and I know that you're blooming into beautiful colors and song up in heaven, but I miss you and ache for you to be here wi…

Sex talk

I miss the passion I once dreamed of...and then had while trying to conceive a baby. All the sex planning and ovulation tests, kinda take the fun out of it. I mean it's still fun and all...but I sure do miss the spur of the moment passion. Now all that's on my mind, is ovulation dates and sperm life and pH levels and blah, blah, blah.

I'm just saying. It's all good in the end...but can I get a little passion thrown in for good measure without worrying that it's too soon to be introducing x sperm?

I miss the good ol' days when I was young and ignorant to all the sadness that would encircle us. Blasted sadness. You suck.

Here's to a positive ovulation test tomorrow...and well...ya know...


Why is it that people decide to open their mouth only to let out crap?

I've been feeling fairly good about my body image lately. I've lost nearly 15 pounds since having Selah and though I'd love to lose 5-10 more, I'm O.K. where I am. I was even able to cram myself into a pair of skinny pants on Saturday. I was so excited.

But then today as we walked into Sawyer's for another amazing breakfast, the seater said 'Just two of you today...well, I guess 2 and a half?'.'s no half. Seriously? Do I really need someone to tell me that my tummy pops out a little bit? Do I need to have someone remind me of I need to think people think I look pregnant? Seriously?

Why, oh why, do people continually ask me if I'm pregnant? It's like the world is against me some days. And though it's a blow to my self esteem, it's more of a blow to the fact that I've lost two children, would love to be pregnant, and know that po…


I just wanted to wish all you mama's out there a very happy Mother's Day.

I know for some of you, this day is filled with painful heartaches and scorching tears. So for you, I'm sending big hugs and all the love I have, in an effort to ease, even just an ounce of your pain. You are all beautiful mama's and I know, that your babies are looking down at you today as all days, full of pride and love.

For those of you with living children, love each and every minute...even the tough ones. You are all amazing mama's. You are lovers and teachers, discipliners and boo-boo kissers. You are chefs and bottom wipers, storytellers and fort builders. You are hero's and the glue that runs your family. You are loved. I send you all hugs. May you be able to reflect on the joy of motherhood today, as well as relax and enjoy a moment of silence.

Happy Mother's Day my friends. Happy Mother's Day.

Back in the saddle

I did it. I took an ovulation test today. Today it was negative. Tomorrow, positive maybe? Who knows...but as I type this, I realize that if I get pregnant this month, I would have conceived right around Mother's Day. Interesting.

When I was pregnant with Selah, I found two pregnancy tests. I was going to throw them out since I didn't need them anymore...but something stopped me. It was if something down deep, knew that I would lose my child and need those one day. That one day may just possibly be in a few weeks...and that freaks me out.

I think I'm ready for the journey. I'm scared and quite honestly, not that hopeful...but I'm ready. I even almost bought some pajamas for a new baby today at Hidden Treasures...but then I remembered that I only bought one thing when I was pregnant with Selah...a muslin blanket sleeper. Maybe it's bad juju to buy things for an unborn child...maybe it's just bad juju for me. Alas, I put down the cute little owl …

confession of a paranoid mother.

I still check on Asher all the time to make sure he's O.K.. He's nearly two...and I still worry that I'll find him cold and still in his crib.

Every night before I go to bed, I check on his at least once. I check the temperature of his face and then I touch him until he responds. I rub his forehead and then his back and I tickle his hands...I do anything to get him to respond. Some nights he's sleeping so deeply that it takes awhile for him to move and my immediate response is fear. Last night I stood over him tickling his tiny hand for awhile before it flinched. My heart leapt into my throat.

It's 9am and Asher is still sleeping. He normally wakes up between 7:30 and 8am. Though I should know that he's fine and just needs more sleep, my heart is worried. I shouldn't go in and check on him, but I did. I had to.

I know as a mom, I will always worry about the health and well-being of my child, but I wish I wasn't so worried about him while he slee…

My life, through the words of this blog.

It seems lately, the comments I seem to get on this blog, especially through my facebook account...since it feeds through, have been a little telling for me. And so for those of you, who don't see me or talk to me often, I just want you to know a few things.

I've always used this blog as an outlet. Until June 3rd, 2007, it was predominately used as a place to document my walk in this world, as a venting place and silly post space. I would write a witty post every now and then, but in reality, it was a puff piece of a blog for the most part.

When I lost my first child, Jorai, this blog turned into my counseling sessions. Every day...sometimes multiple times a day, I would bleed my soul onto it's pages in an effort to heal. I'm a writer. I've always been. Some talk, some drink, some keep it all in...I write. So I penned all my hopes and fears and tears, down here.

When I got pregnant with Asher, I still used the blog as a counseling session, but there was a sma…

dreams vs. reality

I was thinking about my life yesterday. I was thinking about where I've come from and where I'm going. I really got to live a charmed life as a child. My parents were steady and nurturing and loving. I knew that I could always count on them for both love and support. I had two brothers who loved me, so much. I was doted upon being the only girl and I was so much younger than my brothers, that rather than fighting with me, they protected me. Every day, I felt loved.

I always dreamed of having a family on my own someday. I would look at my family and think, 'this is exactly what I want when I grow up.'. I would dream about marriage and loving someone all my life, with a burning heart. I would picture us growing old and rocking on the front porch of a house we raised our children in. Children...

When I first met Steve I ached. Seriously. It was scary. Anytime he came to my office, I would shake. I never experienced that before. He made me so nervous that…

sweet, funny memories.

My dear, sweet boy,

Today while enjoying some nursing/snuggly time after your nap, you decided 'share' your milk with me. When I didn't bend down to nurse with you, you decided to try to 'bring' it to me...thankfully mama's milk machine still can't 'bend' or 'stretch' that way or that far!

Later in the day while playing in your new water table that Papa and Grandpa built for you, you decided to wash my legs with your paint brush. When you were finished 'cleaning me up', you ran inside to grab a towel so you could dry my legs!

Thank you for being such a loving, sweet boy who loves to share with and love on me, as well as every one else in your life. You bring me so much laughter and joy each and every day.

Happy International BabyLost Mother's day...tomorrow!

To all the beautiful, mama's out there who have lost a child, Happy BabyLost Mother's Day. You are loved and supported and cared for more than you know. I wish these words could wrap around you like a hug. You are a beautiful, wonderful mama and my only wish is that you feel loved and supported

Happy Mother's Day.