My life, through the words of this blog.
It seems lately, the comments I seem to get on this blog, especially through my facebook account...since it feeds through, have been a little telling for me. And so for those of you, who don't see me or talk to me often, I just want you to know a few things.
I've always used this blog as an outlet. Until June 3rd, 2007, it was predominately used as a place to document my walk in this world, as a venting place and silly post space. I would write a witty post every now and then, but in reality, it was a puff piece of a blog for the most part.
When I lost my first child, Jorai, this blog turned into my counseling sessions. Every day...sometimes multiple times a day, I would bleed my soul onto it's pages in an effort to heal. I'm a writer. I've always been. Some talk, some drink, some keep it all in...I write. So I penned all my hopes and fears and tears, down here.
When I got pregnant with Asher, I still used the blog as a counseling session, but there was a small bit that returned a bit to normal conversations. For the most part though, you still had my soul handed to you in nearly each post. And then we had Asher and I poured more memories and photo's into the blog rather than use it as a healing tool. My life had changed a bit. I missed Jorai...but my time was filled with a little boy and I guess my blog reflected that. But then we lost Selah and my world was shocked to it's core. More so than with Jorai. When I lost Jorai, I was gutted. But when I lost Selah, I was shattered. And this blog, returned once more to a counseling session. You still read pieces of me that are silly or I post memories of Asher, but in my life stage right now, I need more counseling time.
This blog represents my life. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve...and now, I feel as if this blog, shares my heart with the world. I never started this blog thinking anyone would read it. But back in April 2005, when I 'penned' my first post, I was addicted. And through the years, especially after my losses, more and more people have tuned in to see what I'll write next. It's flattering really. And I appreciate all the love and support I've gotten over the years.
But lately, I've realized that my posts, at times, scare people. I think they think I'm really damaged. As if I may really need help...that I may not find my way home. And I want you all to know that I'm O.K.. Really. Most days I'm happy. I love my husband. I love my son. I love my life and friends and family. But what needs to be remembered, is that my family isn't all here. There are always two little girls missing...and their memory and my broken heart, collide at times making it hard to breathe. It's in those moments that I pen my thoughts down. It's in my sad moments where I need my counselor. If that makes sense.
See, my life has returned to 'normal'. Or at least my new normal. I go about my day...most days!...with a smile and I'm laughing and I feel and receive and give out love. That's me. I'm not bitter. I'm not mad. I feel blessed most days and happiness surrounds me. But anyone who has gone through a loss like mine, will tell you that you can be going through your day happy as a clam...and then out of nowhere, grief smacks you in the face. It's those times, where I sit down and bare my heart to y'all.
I say this to you not so you stop thinking of me or praying for me or sending me comments or words of advice or counsel or love, but more so you know, that I'm O.K.. I really am. There are just times, where I have to pen it out. I have to write it down. I know it seems strange to think that my journal is on the 'world wide web'...but yeah, I'm that open. And for me. If I can help help one person feel less alone in their grief walk, then all this hell, will be worth it.
I want to thank you all for reading my heart and loving and supporting me through the years. I truly appreciate it. I hope you continue to follow me on this journey. I have loved reading your comments and feeling the love you share with me. So for all of my friends, who read my ramblings, I'm O.K.. I'm battered and bruised and there will be times where I'm busted down crying...but I'm O.K.. My life is stained with tears and torn with sorrow, but it's filled with love and joy.
I've always used this blog as an outlet. Until June 3rd, 2007, it was predominately used as a place to document my walk in this world, as a venting place and silly post space. I would write a witty post every now and then, but in reality, it was a puff piece of a blog for the most part.
When I lost my first child, Jorai, this blog turned into my counseling sessions. Every day...sometimes multiple times a day, I would bleed my soul onto it's pages in an effort to heal. I'm a writer. I've always been. Some talk, some drink, some keep it all in...I write. So I penned all my hopes and fears and tears, down here.
When I got pregnant with Asher, I still used the blog as a counseling session, but there was a small bit that returned a bit to normal conversations. For the most part though, you still had my soul handed to you in nearly each post. And then we had Asher and I poured more memories and photo's into the blog rather than use it as a healing tool. My life had changed a bit. I missed Jorai...but my time was filled with a little boy and I guess my blog reflected that. But then we lost Selah and my world was shocked to it's core. More so than with Jorai. When I lost Jorai, I was gutted. But when I lost Selah, I was shattered. And this blog, returned once more to a counseling session. You still read pieces of me that are silly or I post memories of Asher, but in my life stage right now, I need more counseling time.
This blog represents my life. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve...and now, I feel as if this blog, shares my heart with the world. I never started this blog thinking anyone would read it. But back in April 2005, when I 'penned' my first post, I was addicted. And through the years, especially after my losses, more and more people have tuned in to see what I'll write next. It's flattering really. And I appreciate all the love and support I've gotten over the years.
But lately, I've realized that my posts, at times, scare people. I think they think I'm really damaged. As if I may really need help...that I may not find my way home. And I want you all to know that I'm O.K.. Really. Most days I'm happy. I love my husband. I love my son. I love my life and friends and family. But what needs to be remembered, is that my family isn't all here. There are always two little girls missing...and their memory and my broken heart, collide at times making it hard to breathe. It's in those moments that I pen my thoughts down. It's in my sad moments where I need my counselor. If that makes sense.
See, my life has returned to 'normal'. Or at least my new normal. I go about my day...most days!...with a smile and I'm laughing and I feel and receive and give out love. That's me. I'm not bitter. I'm not mad. I feel blessed most days and happiness surrounds me. But anyone who has gone through a loss like mine, will tell you that you can be going through your day happy as a clam...and then out of nowhere, grief smacks you in the face. It's those times, where I sit down and bare my heart to y'all.
I say this to you not so you stop thinking of me or praying for me or sending me comments or words of advice or counsel or love, but more so you know, that I'm O.K.. I really am. There are just times, where I have to pen it out. I have to write it down. I know it seems strange to think that my journal is on the 'world wide web'...but yeah, I'm that open. And for me. If I can help help one person feel less alone in their grief walk, then all this hell, will be worth it.
I want to thank you all for reading my heart and loving and supporting me through the years. I truly appreciate it. I hope you continue to follow me on this journey. I have loved reading your comments and feeling the love you share with me. So for all of my friends, who read my ramblings, I'm O.K.. I'm battered and bruised and there will be times where I'm busted down crying...but I'm O.K.. My life is stained with tears and torn with sorrow, but it's filled with love and joy.
Comments
sometimes you just gotta weep for a few minutes, get it out...
and then go outside and play.
i think that's hard to understand unless you've been in the shadowland, you know?
i have so many people come up to me at church and say, "You need a hug." and I say, "Why?"...and then I realize they think I must be suicidal... ;) and then I explain the same thing that you just did.
Life can be both bitter and sweet...sometimes the combo even makes it richer.
I know sometimes words can be misconstrued and we all feel a need to explain ourselves sometimes but what's important is that it's healing for YOU.
I bought a card the other day for a friend going through a painful divorce and the quote resonated with me and also made me think of you:
"The most beautiful stones have been tossed by the wind and washed by the water and polished to brilliance by life's strongest storms."
Your blogs polish you and make you shine. Keep them coming.