Showing posts from May, 2008


i got little sleep last night and the sleep i did get was riddled with bad and strange dreams. my first dream was that i had the baby and i must have taken her to the doctors...but then i forgot all about her. when i got back to the doctors and realized that i'd left her all alone, all the other moms were telling me what a horrible mom i was. i was astonished. how could i forget about my baby? i picked up my babe and walked over to a seat, but it was right next to a pit of water in which the baby fell into and i couldn't get her out. i instantly woke. thank goodness. i wasn't sure where that one was going but i had to get out of it. what a horrible dream mother i am!

later in the night i had a dream that i went to take a shower and we had this mammoth shower. i'm talking 10 feet long and 6-7 feet wide. we had to use multiple shower curtains to fit around it. it was amazing. i want that tub/shower!

those are the only 2 i can remember right now. strange, stra…

blog postings

i realize that are days in which i tend to blog a bit more than usual and today i finally figured it out...not that it's rocket science, but the realization did hit me today. i think it's because i'm at home, alone. not that i'm bored. i do have stuff i do throughout the day, but when i get back home, i have no one to tell it to. my dear husband gets many calls everyday telling him all the stupid little things that happen to me, as if he has to hear them while at work...but i have to tell someone!

i used to talk to my friends at work. i would work things out with them or tell them about the silly things that happen to me and then only a smattering of those things actually made it on my blog. but now, it's a different story. i come home to a quiet house, which is lovey...i don't feel alone and i have no intention or longing to get back into the workforce, not at all! but, i think that's why i blog so much on certain days.

it's my way of telling some…

can i hold your baby?

i'm nervous about this question. i already have people telling me that they can't wait to hold our baby. there are certain close friends where i can't wait to hand off our child for them to hold, but there are others where i just won't feel comfortable for awhile. how do mom's and dad's handle the people who are so upfront about holding their children? i don't want to be rude! but if we bring our child somewhere when he/she is only a week old, i don't want 10 people holding him.

i ask this because i know it depends on how i feel, but i really don't want to miss riv's first night in the new building. so unless i go late, we'll probably be bringing our little one to church when he/she's still super young. i was thinking about wearing our child in a sling to deter some people, but i know there are still some that are very, ummm, direct and have no people skills, that would walk up with their arms open and say 'let me hold the bab…


lesson number 1:

if you're at someone's house, don't floss your teeth in their living room while watching tv...and especially don't then drop your used nasty floss in your popcorn bowl for me to find the next morning as i'm doing dishes.

lesson number 2:

when at someone's house, don't chew your fingernails so loudly that it disrupts everyones television experience...especially don't then take the nasty chewed off finger nail out of your mouth and wipe it on the couch, blanket or spit it on the floor.

that ends our etiquette lesson for the day.

hopeful thinking?

last night we went to bed at 11:30. i slept until 1:40 when i had to get up. this is usually how it goes. 1-2 hours of restless sleep and then i get up..then another 1-2 hours. last night, after getting up and falling back to sleep, it wasn't until 6:40 when i woke up again. i don't even remember tossing. i got up, knowing the alarm would wake us up in 20 minutes...all of a sudden i woke up to look at the was 7:41! we slept through our alarm that had been going off for 41 minutes! steve made it to work on time, which was unbelievable, and i went back to bed. i'm usually up by 8:30 at the my mom woke me up at 10! 10! i got a solid 2hours then 5 hours and then 2hours! is this my bodies and God's way of giving me a bit of rest before the baby?

it was wonderful getting so much sleep. i feel totally refreshed.

then, i went shopping and spent about $75 bucks without spending a dime! i heard about a new nursing bra at v.secret that was …


gutted. i've been gutted all day. i've always said that when i die, i want a party. a good party. with music and dancing and great food. chocolate fountains and italian deserts, expensive wine and imported cheese. i want people to eat and dance and laugh. i want a party. i told steve about my plan and he was concerned that people would think he didn't care i was he was so happy i was gone that he just had to throw a party! so you've all heard it from me...the party was my idea!

after today i wonder if my plan will work. would people really come and laugh and sing and eat and dance? or would they hug and cry and be sad? maybe they would do both. i've always hated saying goodbye. goodbye to me doesn't make sense. not to someone you love or respect. i can't say that i get mad at God for taking our loved ones away, it just doesn't make sense to me. i know they're in a better place. i know it's where i would want to be. …


i thought i was in labor last night...the baby was moving around in ways i hadn't felt before and it kept putting a lot of pressure on my bladder and cervix. it felt as if the baby was trying to push his way out! i told steve about it but also said not to worry, that it's probably just me hoping the birth was coming...but then we went to bed.

about 15 minutes after laying down i started contracting. i couldn't figure it out because it didn't feel like normal contractions. it felt more like i really had to go to the bathroom, but when i got up, nothing came...then my mind went reeling...i've heard going to the bathroom is a sign the birth is then i thought, well, this is it! the contractions though were never ending, just one long continuous ache. they stretched over the front of my belly and towards my was surprisingly uncomfortable...

i kept pacing and rolling on the ball trying to figure out the sensations i was feeling and trying to focus my…

le bebe

just got back from the dr.'s. all is looking well. we had an ultrasound this morning and they have predicted that the baby is measuring 39 weeks 2 days, i'm really 38 weeks 2 days, and is currently measuring 8lbs 6oz. steve and i think i'll probably deliver a 8-9lb baby. nice and healthy but not too big.

i'm still feeling great, but am really getting excited to deliver and hold this little bundle that keeps kicking my ribs! i'll try to post the most recent ultrasound pics later today...the babe's a bit scrunched in there...but with a little finesse, you can see the babes' face.

i can't wait to meet our child!


i need to talk to steve, but i think i just nixed the rotavirus vaccine off our vaccination schedule. although it's super common in the's super common in day care settings and since we're not putting our child in day care, i feel pretty comfortable nixing it. plus, with the benefits of breast feeding, the chances of our child contracting it is low and the severity will be low if they do contract it.

from my research, i've seen that the main point in giving all these vaccines is to wipe it out of our population. which is cool...but if the vaccine could be potentially harmful, why would i risk my child's health for the one day possibility of the disease no longer being around?

kinda like the whole chickenpox debate...we're trying to get rid of a pretty annoying but rather 'safe' disease so that parent's don't have to take time off work. which would be a good thing...but isn't that all a part of being a parent? i can understand giv…

pregnancy comfort

sometime in the wee hours of sunday morning i flipped over in bed, replaced the pillow between my legs and squeezed. a loud pop and a bit of pain occurred in my pelvis. although this was nothing new, this time it was a bit more intense than usual. but, this popping has been happening since early in my second trimester so i didn't think much of it. it wasn't until half way through monday when i realized that for the first time in months, i had no pelvis pain. none. my lower back still aches a bit, but other than that, i have to say that i feel somewhat normal. there is no popping when i walk or turn over in bed. no pain in the unmentionable areas! it's wonderful!

i can walk! i have a little swagger but not nearly as much as i did. my lower left back and butt cheek hurt when i stand and first start to walk, but again, it's nothing compared to the pain i've had for months!

i didn't think it would last, but again today, i feel great! i'm 38.5 weeks pre…

advice vs criticism

i've always liked advice. i know a little, about a lot. but really, for the most part, it's just enough to cause problems, so good advice is welcomed...but there are some things that i feel i've done a lot of research on. three things are breast feeding, vaccinations and bed sharing. i know there are some things we're doing that are against the grain of society...go figure...and i know there will be people out there with their own opinions, but come on! i still like talking to people about this because i can always learn more, but what i hate are the people who pretty much come out and say we're bad parents for not vaccinating.

i've never understood why people can't do things the way they choose without getting harassed by people. i think some people think they're giving good advice, but really, they're not. my favorite comment i get when talking about bed sharing is 'aren't you afraid of rolling over your child?' ok, do you think…

you're going to be parents!

those were the words that came from my mom in laws lips once again this past sunday. we're going to be parents. what makes a parent of a stillborn child, not a parent? i know i keep going back to this subject, but it gets so tiring hearing it over and over again. we are parents! my mom said the same thing on saturday. 'you're going to be a mom!' i got to hear it twice in 2 days from 2 ladies that held my daughter.

i want to scream at the top of my lungs 'shut up!!! you held my daughter! how can you dare tell me over and over again that i'm not a mother!'. i have to bite my tongue every time it happens. if it happened once or twice or if it was someone who didn't hold and know our daughter, i would have a bit more patience with it, but come on! if Jorai had lived for a day or a week or a year or a decade, and then she died, would i still not be considered a mother? where is that line in the sand?

i looked at both my mom and my mom in law and as…


my feet and legs have started to swell. my feet and legs started to swell about a week before i lost Jorai. i know my thoughts shouldn't go there...i know swelling is very common in pregnancy, but i can't help it. my mind's going there. i want to go into the hospital to make sure all is ok, but how silly is that! they'd probably shoo me out as soon as i tell them why i'm nervous.

i can't wait for this baby to come. i can't wait to hear the screams and feel the warmth. i can't stand this waiting game any longer. i can't stand my anxieties.

life in the balance

last year we lost our daughter Jorai. in fact it will be a year next sunday. a year. it's hard to describe what this year has been like other than to say it's like the proverbial roller-coater. and as i type this i'm waiting for our second child to be born. should be this week or next. one life lost and another about to come into the world.

this afternoon i was gutted with the news of an acquaintance's passing. she was only 30 years old. gone. a husband and child left here without her. we weren't close. but she was the person where you always thought 'man, i want to get to know her better, she seems amazing.' but it never happens and then it's too late.

when i heard of her passing i was numb. simply numb. i couldn't believe it. it didn't make sense. i guess, news like that never makes sense. but it was hard. i keep thinking about her husband. how horrible it would be to lose your best friend. i can't stop thinking about s…

stillbirth legislation

blog family,

we're super excited to say that there is some cool legislation for family's who have delivered a stillborn child and all who are currently or thinking of becoming pregnant that being presented to congress. currently there are no standardization's for the definition of stillbirth or methods in which stillbirth data is collected so research can be conducted. a stillborn child in many states isn't even recognized as a child. The below legislation is a first to be brought to congress and it's super exciting to see that someday in the near future there will be more research and public awareness of losing a child in utero, which is much more likely than SIDS. according to
on average there are over 2,000 SIDS deaths in the us every year. stillbirth deaths numbers are close to 30,000 babiesone in every 115 deliveries is a dead baby. if deliveries were aircraft landings, phoenix sky harbor airport, with about 700 landings daily, would have 6…

pregnancy confession

after learning this morning that i'm group b strep positive i decided to drown my anger in a tall glass of milk and 2 qd donuts. for lunch it's a nice slice of pizza...i have a feeling that it may not be a great nutrition day!  good thing i had that tall glass of milk!

belly progression...

i didn't start taking pictures until 17 weeks and then i didn't take another until 30...but cool still. man i'm a biggin!

peta fall-out

in the past few months riv has been hit twice...once with the whole riv brew thing and now for a fundraiser where we cooked some pigs.  when it rains it pours, i guess.  i just got onto the peta website where they have a nice dialog going of very angry animal lovers bashing us.  it got my blood boiling and reminded me of the time while i was in washington when a local native american tribe was given their rights back to hunt whale in their native hunting ways.  of course this pissed off peta, and a peta girl decided to try and make the tribe's long boat capsize. thankfully it was being protected by the marines, who ran her ski-do over and broke her arm.  after getting done at the hospital she decided to show herself in a reservation bar where she didn't fare too well...white girls, don't think you can just walk into a rez. bar unless you know someone and especially if you just tried to kill a hunt that brought the entire tribe together.  silly girl...
being an animal lover …

5 am snoring session

i woke my husband up at 5 this morning with my snoring. i'm trying desperately to be quiet. i have nose strips and a humidifier going...i don't know..i can only do so much. i feel bad, but there's nothing i can do about it. so since he threw himself out of bed, i've been awake. feeling bad that i'm so loud, trying to fall back asleep but letting my mind catch hold and thinking about all the things that need to be done.

it's sure hard being pregnant. i'm starting to think that men just don't understand. i can understand the lack of sleep and frustration about it because i've been living it for months now. depending on how late i sleep in, i get around 4-6 hours a night. last night i got 5. if the babe isn't kicking, i wake up in a pile of sweat or having to rush to the bathroom or my hip is asleep or heartburn is burning through my's constant. i can understand the lack of sleep...but do men, truly understand what their wiv…

cloth diapers

i did it.  i finally ordered the rest of my cloth diapers and accessories.  i was dreading it.  there's such a huge up-front cost to all this and of course, the penny pincher in me spent hours calculating the best prices at tons of on-line stores.  because some stores had some of my things but not all, i ended up ordering from 2.  jilliansdrawers and abby's lane.  i wanted to use a local gal i just met, but she didn't have a lot of the stuff i wanted.  bummer.  
i ordered just over an hour ago and abby's lane has already called to say that 3 of my diapers were on back order...which sucks, but i just put the order in a little over an hour ago!  now that's what i call great service!
i'm still confused with the laundry detergent debate.  i ordered allen's natural powdered detergent, but i wish that bum genius would just come out and say 'buy this',  instead they say only use detergent that's free of yaddayaddayadda...well there's a lot of deterge…

contractions n such

i've been contracting a lot over the past few days.  they go away the minute i i think i'm doing too much, but there's so much to do!  i'm also getting sharp and steady aches and pains in my front and left side of my belly.  i think i've decided that it's the baby pressing really hard against my uterus/belly.  when i touch the place where it hurts, it's all baby pushing out.
i used to love feeling the babe move around within me, and i still do, but now it hurts.  it's not the fun 'oh! feel the babe!!!'  it's 'ugh, that hurt, what are you doing in there!'.  i actually feel worse for the babe than i do for myself.  i can't image how squashed he/she must be.  poor little thing.  i'd be pushing out too!  i think the babe's butt is against my belly, which is a good thing..but it does hurt when the babe decides to stick out their booty!
i feel the time to birth is coming soon.  when i say soon, i mean 1-2 do…


i never thought the day would come that i would feel my tummy rest against my legs when i sit. the day has come folks. i can now warm the top of my legs with my stomach. i am truly a sight to be seen!

ahhh...the joys of pregnancy!


steve and i were thinking about using skype when the babe comes and both of our folks are outta state.  it's a free web video thing that allows you to have a video conference for free.  we thought it would be super cool...and then someone told me that we could use the same service to make calls.  so i tried it out.
for $2.95/month, you can make unlimited calls anywhere in the us. it's actually free to call another skype user... you just talk right through your computer.  and if you don't want to talk through you're computer, you can buy a cordless phone or even a blue-tooth thingy to use!  super cool.  if you want a number for people to be able to call and leave messages for you, i think it's $4 extra/month.  
the sound is pretty good.  not as great as a land-line, though it may get better if we get an actual phone rather than just using our computer.  and so far, we love the service.  you can sign up and pay month to month so you can always stop service...there'…

almost time for birthing!

well, i had about 12 hours of feeling i'm back...or i guess my back pain is back.  it's better, i have to admit that, and my pelvis is better.  but the pain is still there too.  it will be such a relief when i deliver my child and get the weight off.  i remember taking a walk 2 days after delivering Jorai and it was the first time in 7 months where i could breathe and i wasn't waddling and i could walk more than 1/4 of a mile without contracting.  it was nice.  
i just can't wait to stand up without pain.  get outta bed without pain shooting up my back.  and roll over without my pelvis snapping back into place.  that will be nice.  
i've placed a shower curtain on the bed in case my waters break while sleeping.  it sure doesn't make the bed very breathable...i wake up in a sticky, sweaty mess most times...the sheet is all's kinda gross...but then i think about amniotic fluid all over our mattress and it makes me think that i made…

massage duex

i just got back from my massage and i have to admit that i feel almost normal.  i can sit normal and stand normal and though i still have a little waddle, most of that is gone too!  my pelvis feels better and my lower back is 90% better.  it's amazing.  why i didn't do this sooner, i have no idea.  i feel lovely.  
now the question is, how long will i stay feeling this lovely?  is there a way to keep the effect going for longer than a few hours?  i'm going to make sure i stretch tonight to prolong the looseness.  man, i feel good.


an amazing friend bought me a prenatal massage for mothers day!!!  i'm going in tomorrow at 1.  i'm so excited.  it will feel so lovely on my back.  i hope it takes some of the pain have just an hour of relief will be lovely!!  
on a side note, we have a car seat in the scion.  us...steve and's in our car.  a part of me thought i'd never see that sight.  i came out of the store today and noticed the car seat in the back and immediately thought it wasn't my car...but then it hit me, this is my car!! that is my car seat!!  we are having a baby!  so cool!

mother's day to a mother of a stillborn

when i was telling my mom and my mom-in-law, happy mother's day today, they both said to me...'happy almost mother's day to you'. almost mother's day? i'm not mad. i'm getting really used to the cruel comments and am getting really good at shrugging them off, but to be honest, it also kinda feels like they've forgotten about Jorai. that they've forgotten about my daughter...that i had a daughter...that they had a granddaughter...that i am a mother.

yesterday someone asked my mom what number this grandchild will be for her. she said 5. she didn't count Jorai. of course, i immediately corrected her right in front of the women who asked. and she agreed, that yes, it's actually 6. after she apologized she admitted that it's easier to just say 5. but we were in a group of women who all knew what happened to my daughter. that really bothered me. first my dad chooses to go off fishing instead of being with me as i delivered my child…


we went over in our phone minutes last month.  with my first month home and steve trying to sell the car, it wasn't pretty.  we normally pay $70 for our cell phones...last month our bill was $143...ouch!
we've been trying to find a better internet provider and we're thinking about getting a home line too, so i can call people and not rack up a huge phone bill.  i need to call at&t and find out if they have more than 1.5mbps.  i'm thinking that wouldn't do much...we currently have 6 and sometimes netflix movies don't work...but i don't know anything about that crap.  
a home line would be so nice though.  i'm sure in the first few months of having this child, i'll need a lot of support.  we have no idea what we're doing and i'm sure that i'll be calling my friends to say that the baby's doing this or that and what do i do!  so i think a home  line would be beneficial.  
any thoughts?


i slept from 11-3:30am this morning.  it felt nice.  though when i woke, i barely made it to the bathroom.  that wasn't fun!  then it was tossing and turning for the rest of the night.  waking every 30 minutes to an hour.  i was hoping to sleep a bit better since steve chose to sleep in the spare room and i was so exhausted last night, but alas.  i woke up at 7 and couldn't get back to i crawled outta bed by 7:40ish.  i'm still sleepy, but what can a preggers girl do?
i have to spend time on my message today anyway. so an early day awake will hopefully help since my exhaustion grows remarkably as the day crumbles away. somedays i really miss coffee.  beaners and starbucks call me...they tempt me...but i know caffeine is the last thing this child of mine needs.  i think one of my ribs would definitely be broken if i introduced that much caffeine!


i worked at ele's place today then went shopping and out to lunch with steve and then a bit more shopping. by the time i got home it was around 2:30 and i was exhausted.  i went downstairs to watch a bit of tv an relax and i woke up 2 hours later.  that was's almost 7 and i still feel like i'm walking around in a haze.  i want to hang out with the girls tonight, but i don't think i can drag myself out of the house again.  this exhaustion is really starting to wear me thin.  i know i'll be exhausted when the little one comes...but i wonder if i'll feel this exhausted.   sometimes i can barely move, let alone think.  ugh...i feel like a lump.

body image

my folks were up for a few days and it was a good visit, although the entire time i kept hearing 'quack, quack' come form my father lips every time he saw me walking. yes, i'm waddling.  ya know it doesn't help that i've had hip problems since birth and already have a bit of a swagger...add to that my increasing girth and a painful pelvis issue...those tend to make one waddle a bit...oye!
this morning i found out that i've only gained 24 pounds so far...pretty good...they tell you that a healthy pregnancy weight gain is 25-35 pounds.  so, i'm right where i should be.  which was a nice thing to remember after seeing the scale about crack underneath me this morning at the dr's!  HA!  no, it didn't. now, that would devastate me!  
but what made my day even brighter than finding out that i'm not a lard?  getting an email from my brother telling me how great i look after seeing the photo my father sent out to the entire family.  a  photo he took in tar…


we toured labor and delivery last night.  it didn't go as expected for me.  i was under the impression that you delivered and then stayed in the same room...that is not the case.  so instead of going to the mother/baby part, we went to the same place we delivered Jorai.  i don't know why i didn't think of that was haunting.  we walked right past the door we delivered her in and my heart sank.  that was the only room we saw her and held her and touched her.  it was hard not to run off down the hall and get away from it.  it was also hard not to open the door and sit in the corner and cry for her. it was just hard.
the tour actually started off with getting introduced to our tour lady.  she was probably in her 70's and she was very hospital...very unnatural and very annoying for me...which could have been my hormones pumping or all the thoughts of Jorai, but either way, i wanted to walk away.  the first place we went was triage.  this was the place we had to s…