30 April 2008

i've had a hard time getting my wits together today.  i had a list of things to do, yet i haven't even brushed my teeth yet and it's pushing 3.  i've been up since 8.  i feel really warn down and i haven't done anything...the babe is raring to go.  flipping and twirling away.  but momma just ain't rolling today.  normally (pre-pregnancy) i'd make a stop to beaners, i refuse to call it the other name, for a red-eye...i'm thinking that probably wouldn't be a grand idea...i think this child has enough energy...i need a red-eye...the babe needs some wine!  HA!! 

sleeping is difficult so i think that's my main problem.  i only sleep for an hour or 2 at a time, then toss and turn and sweat and snore and my limbs and hips and shoulders fall asleep...oye.  i need a pick-me-up.

help me poop?

29 April 2008

when steve and i were talking about how big the baby's getting..or at least how big they're guessing the baby's getting, i said 'you're going to really have to help me cope!'  he responded in an adamant 'umm, no! i'm not helping you poop'.  cope?  poop?  ahh, the joy of cell phones!

how does one help another poop anyway?  does one cheer the other on?  is there hand holding or massage to work junk out?  

i don't think i'd want anyone to help me poop.  i like my privacy while i'm doing that...and my husband cheering me on in the corner or sitting on the bathtub ledge holding my hand and looking into my eyes just doesn't seem right!  too funny!

what i was trying to say is that i need help coping with pushing a big baby out of me while in the birthing process.  not pooping.  pooping i can do. but pushing an ever growing baby out of me, is starting to scare me a bit!  i have 5 weeks left...i could have a 10 pound baby!  


kix is growing!


here are the latest pics. fresh off the ultrasound this morn. they are guesstimating that this child is already 5lbs 6oz! wowza! i hope they're off on that one!! i'm also measuring 6 days ahead. right now the babe's head is on the left side of my tummy, tush on the right ~ up near my ribs and both feet and hands are over towards the face.

such a cute punkin' can't wait to meet this little miracle of ours!

is this your first


sorry that i keep blogging about this, i'm just amazing how often i get asked this question. it's the expected follow-up question. i know that. and again, i don't have a problem answering the question...but every time, i see the horror in the askers eyes. that look of 'oh crap! why did i just ask that question?' there's a brief moment of comfortableness, followed by an apology. so then i have to say thank you. all the formality...and i quickly try to keep the conversation going so the elephant in the room quickly leaves.

sometimes it makes me want to lie and say 'yes! this is our first!'. but that would be disgracing Jorai's short life. and why do that to make it easier for me and the person asking the question. there's another part of me that wants to share her story to get the word out about stillborns.

having a stillborn child is not talked about. when you get pregnant, you hear about the miscarriage rate and many people don't tell people they're pregnant until the second trimester since that's when the miscarriage rates goes down...but i never read or heard anything about having a stillborn. i knew that if i got into an accident or fell or sustained a trauma to my abdomen, that i could lose the baby. but i guess i never thought about the fact that something could just happen within me to kill my child. i never realized the importance of fetal kick counts. i want Jorai's life to have meant something. and i think that by using the 'how many kids do you have?, is this your first?' questions, i can do that.

but i'm still amazed by how many times i get asked that question...if i leave the house, i inevitably get asked the question.

no, this is our second child. we lost our daughter Jorai at 28 weeks gestation.

i also hate those forms asking you about your children. if i leave it blank...i leave Jorai out of our family make-up...if i write Jorai's name down...people will think we have a living daughter...i feel like i live in a dual with a daughter and one with a child on the way. i wonder if i'll always feel this way...

baby showers

28 April 2008


my mom-in-law is throwing me a baby shower next weekend and some girlfriends are throwing me one the following weekend...and i'm just really excited about them.  i didn't have a shower with Jorai.  not a real one.  my mom came up with my sister-in-law, mother-in-law and aunt, the week before we lost Jorai.  and it was nice, but it was thrown together after a fight between my mom and i, and truthfully, i never really felt the love from it.  it felt like she was doing it out of obligation.  so in a way, i never felt like i had a true baby shower. 

the week after i left work, some workmates threw me a shower and i felt so loved.  especially since there were very few people who actually said goodbye to me at work, not even my boss or the health director.  so to see people come to a shower after i had already left made me feel so loved.  

and with my mom-in-laws and friends showers in the next few weeks, i'm just feeling really loved.  and in a strange way, it makes this pregnancy feel all the more real.  i know it sounds silly...but i remember my bridal shower and how it made me feel like 'this is it!, it's really happening'.  

it's not about the gifts, i mean, the gifts are nice!  but for me, it has always been about the feeling.  the best birthday i ever had was a surprise birthday from steve.  there were no presents, but there were all these people at my house, for me.  it warmed my heart. that's how i felt at my wedding shower.  people where there to celebrate with me.  they were excited for me.   

and as these two baby showers become closer and closer to happening, i'm anticipating feeling that love all over again.  to think how much this baby within me is already loved by others and that people care about me and this pregnancy, just really fills me with joy.  i can't wait to hand off our child to those who have been there for us through this past year.  i can't wait to share this child with our family and friends.  i feel so blessed to have such wonderful and caring people surround us.  sharing in our sorrow as well as our happiness.  it's all so very cool.  so thanks to all of you who love us and share in our lives.  you're all truly a blessing. 

dazed and confused

it's been a rough go in the sac!  not that

...sleeping...pure sleeping.  

i've been tossing and turning and waking steve up with my excessive snoring.  so then he gets up and leaves me...which then i think i can actually sleep a bit better, but i hate not waking up besides him.  i think there's a lot contributing to my lack of sleep... i think i'm worried about snoring or turning and waking up my husband, my girth is getting hard to flip from side to side, there's pressure in places i didn't think i'd have pressure, the babes either hiccuping or kicking or flipping, i have heartburn and, well, i'm just plain uncomfortable.  plus i'm grinding or clenching my teeth, so i wake up dazed, confused with sore teeth and a tight jaw.  

then i try to function and it's just not pretty.  i've been relaxing most of the day away, which sucks.  i want to be outside enjoying the weather and getting things done around the house, but i'm just so exhausted.  today i'm trying to prepare a message and a brief discussion topic for one of my ministries and i'm just staring into space.  i have no concentration.  i have no brain function.  it's like my brain wants to fire, but it just fires blanks.  

i look forward to the whole nesting thing...a bout of energy and stamina would be wonderful right now.  the past 3 days i've felt like such a slug. 

running while pregnant

25 April 2008

don't run up the stairs while pregnant.  you'll fall.  i did this morning.  

we're still having issues with our ice machine in our freezer.  while i was downstairs, i heard it kick on, so i ran upstairs to catch the access water from causing a mess.  i made it to the top but then tripped and fell onto all 4's.  i jarred myself a little and i contracted for a second, but other than that, i'm fine.  baby's still moving and i feel fine, other than the rug rash on my knee.  

i've never been the most graceful person, which is funny since i was an ice skater for 10 years...but being pregnant has taken away the little bit of grace i did have.  

so, yeah...don't run while will fall...or maybe it's just that you should avoid stairs...this is my second trip-up on the stairs...and i know some of my friends have have issues walking up/down stairs.  

anyway, be careful all you preggers out there!

i just lost a tooth!

23 April 2008

well, not really. but in my dream this afternoon i did. i was eating and it felt loose. when i put my finger in my mouth to feel it, my tooth came out. it hurt and my tongue kept feeling the void where my tooth used to be. i woke up and instantly thought that i had to go to the dentist and how mad he'd be because i haven't been in over a year.

i'm wondering if i had the dream because for the past few days i've been thinking about going to the dentist. his office called when we were in florida to remind me to make an appointment...but i still haven't...

it was all very real and very strange. i don't want to lose my teeth! now i'm afraid to eat! but i'm hungry!

yes, i'm still hungry...

ok, seriously, i'm still hungry

now i've had a banana and 6 cheese and cracker sandwiches...

still hungry.

this is ridiculous!


for lunch i had some yogurt and a subway sandwich.  i'm still hungry.  so i had some dibs...still hungry...i taste for nothing, but my stomach feels empty.  i don't want to over eat, but i can't help this feeling of hunger.  it's such a strange thing.  i need to make something else to eat... 

cars, babies and the bereaved parent

22 April 2008

i had another non-stress test this morning. all looks great with the babe. this little one is really starting to dislike these tests though! every few minutes i felt a punch or kick to the monitor that resting on my belly, but towards the end, my child had a bit of a temper tantrum. all out flips and punches, over and over for a good 10 seconds. then another round hit. it was actually pretty funny. i felt bad that my babe was annoyed, but there was another part of me that really thought it was funny! i can already tell that we're going to have our hands full!

twice today i was asked if this child is our first. i went with the 'this is our second child' line and just hoped it would end there...but it didn't. i'm not saddened about sharing Jorai's story. her life. i like the opportunities to share her life. but what i hate is making people feel uncomfortable. the look of terror as soon as i say that we lost our daughter at 28 weeks...i hate doing that to people. it's such a catch 22. i want to share Jorai's life with others, but i think there's definitely a time and place to do it...many times i just make people uncomfortable. i know they're wishing that they never asked because they're worried it made me feel bad...which it doesn't. i'm more concerned about them feeling bad. it's all really quite silly.

i think for the most part, bereaved parents look for opportunities to share their child's life. it's a way to keep their child alive in their hearts. some times i have a hard time not talking about my daughter. once you get me on a roll, i never want to stop. it's all i have to hold onto.

we posted steve's car on craigs list yesterday. i can't believe how many people have been calling and emailing about the car. it's been up for less then 24 hours and there's tons of action on it. we've listed it for $2,300. which surprisingly is what others are selling theirs for. kinda crazy...but it is a honda civic and mechanically, it's in really good shape. what's surprising me is the amount of people who are asking us if we'd take less for it they haven't even seen it and they're already trying to dicker. this one lady asked if we'd take $1300. are you kidding me? do people really think we'll take $1000 less for a car that's getting tons of interest and that's only been listed for less than 24 hours?

but, it's kinda cool that we're getting so much action...hopefully we'll sell it soon! we'll see...

a little slice of naughty

while i was picking up more heartburn relief supplies, i just happened to walk past the ice-cream aisle and something caught my eye. edy's mint dibs. they're these little bite size mint ice-cream squares that are dipped in chocolate. the called out to me and they were on sale, so i thought i sould give them a whirl.

they're quite naughty! i think i could eat the entire package though...i need to be careful.

our sweet new piano

21 April 2008


kim's ultimate pregnancy breakfast

this is what i eat most mornings...either blueberry pancakes or blueberry waffles, fake bacon and an egg with a glass of oj and tea. it's the breakfast of pregnancy champions! this particular waffle was made by steve. he grinds his own wheat for them. super yummy and good for you too!


i'm really starting to become uncomfortable. i seriously can't find a comfortable position. nothing sitting, standing, laying...i'm not complaining, just amazed. this is all such a new feeling. the baby is really getting big. i'm feeling very stretched and full. if i sit or lay, i have a super hard time getting back up. i get pain that shoots down my legs, not sciatica, and my pelvis snaps too. i'm constantly feeling a lot of pressure against my ribs and then a huge bulge extends from my side. i think it's a butt. i'm getting more and more contractions. nothing that hurts, my tummy just gets super tight.

the babe is getting hiccups every day too. now, that's a cool feeling. i like that. and the movement is getting crazier. i feel it more often, it's constant. flips and turns and stretches, all day. it's pretty cool.

i'm really getting ready here. the babe was pushing so hard against my belly last night that we had to have a little talk. i told this child of mine that if he or she is ready to come out, then we need to discuss the route, since coming directly out my side i just don't think is an option...

i know it's still a little too early for me to be talking like this, but to be honest, i'm superbly ready to meet our child and to feel like a semi-normal woman again.

organic milk

i've noticed that there truly are only 2 organic milk options out there. horizon and organic valley. i prefer horizon, but organic valley is a good choice too. i've noticed that there are other stores making organic milk, which is cool, but what i've found is that they go bad super quick, long before the expiration date. i've tried them more than a few times just to make sure, but every time is the same, bad milk. which sucks since it's so expensive. so, my advice, if you're an organic milk drinker, stick with horizon. it may be pricey, but at least it stays fresh until the expiration date.


when i pulled into kroger this afternoon i saw that they have a expectant mother parking spot! sweet! i've never noticed that before. and as i become more and more uncomfortable this will be very nice. so that was a nice start to my krogering experience.

last week kroger had a sale on their organic strawberries, but i never made it over i thought i'd pay full price today. i'm always amazed about the selection of organics at kroger, but what bums me out is the lack of organic produce. they didn't have any organic fact the only organic fruit they had was bananas, mangoes and oranges...i know i can go to foods for living or better health, but they're always so expensive. i hope someday soon, we'll get a better health food store that people can actually afford.

then, as i was checking out with my cloth grocery bags, i was in a conversation with the checkout lady, so i wasn't paying attention to the bagger. the bagger put 3-4 items in each cloth bag and then put the rest of my stuff in plastic. i just don't understand. there was tons of room left in the cloth bags...why not fill them up? one cloth bag had bread and butter in it...that's it! it's hard for me to see the wastefulness of americans.

infant vaccines

steve and i've been doing some research on vaccines lately.  we're trying to figure out what's best for our child...what's not needed or at least, what's not needed right away.  don't get me wrong, i think vaccines are super important.  the reasons we don't have all the nasty diseases we used to have is primarily because of vaccines, but i think for some diseases, the medical profession vaccinates too early and for others, it's just not necessary.  take hep B for instance.  hep B is a blood-borne pathogen, primarily transmitted through sex and infected drug and tattoo needles.  oohhh, and infected blood if your child needs a blood transfusion.  how often does blood become contaminated in a transfusion situation?  1 in every 65,000-500,000 blood units.  they try to give this vaccine to you before you leave the hospital.  why?  is you're newborn engaging in sex or drug use or getting their first tattoo?  probably not...

we've been reading the vaccine book by dr. sears.  i really like it.  every chapter discusses a vaccine.  he discusses the disease, how common it is, if it's serious, treatable, when the vaccine's normally given, how the vaccine's made, what ingredients are in the final solution, what the possible side affects are, reasons people get it, reasons they don't, travel considerations, options to consider when getting the vaccine and finally, dr. sears opinion on it.  it's a really in-depth book that's given me a lot of non-biased info.  

it's interesting how the book has opened my eyes.  i actually wasn't going to vaccinate our child until 1-2 years of age, but after reading this book, there are a few things that are actually, really important to get only in those years.  diseases such as pertussis, rotavirus, pneumococcus and hib are all pretty common and can be extremely dangerous in the first few years of life.  but mmr, hep b, polio, chickenpox and surprisingly the flu, are all silly to get when the child is a newborn.  

surprisingly, the flu is actually misreported by mmwr because it's lumped into the same group with pneumonia.  so you can't tell how many people have died or really, children have died, from the flu alone.  and according to the national center for health statistics along with the american lung association, in 2004, they found that there had been fewer than 20 deaths reported in infants under 1, kids 1-4, kids 5-14, young adults 15-24 and adults 25-34.  they go on to say that the total number of deaths each year average 1500 and over 90% of those deaths are actually people 65 and older.  that surprised me!  but, i'm glad i read it.  not that i'll never get or give my child this vaccine, but i'm not in a rush to give it, as i once was, and won't be giving it in the first few years.

mmr is incredibly rare in the us.  and the vaccine isn't the best to give an infant.  unless you're traveling outside the country, this is unnecessary.  you can also test later in life for natural immunity.  that's what we're planning on doing, unless we leave the country with young children, and then we'll go ahead and vaccinate...i'm not going to go on here, but if you're interested, you should check out dr. sears book.  it's really informative.  

this is what we're doing...i think...
  • 2 months ~ DTaP, Roatavirus
  • 3 months ~ Pc, HIB
  • 4 months ~ DTaP, Roatavirus<
  • 5 months ~ Pc, HIB
  • 6 months ~ DTaP, Roatavirus
  • 7 months ~ Pc, HIB
  • 15 months ~ Pc, HIB
  • 5 years ~ Tetanus booster
  • 10 years ~ run a titer on your child to check for natural immunity to MMR, chickenpox and hep A.  Consider vaccinating if not immune.  Also consider a 3 dose polio series if travel to africa or asia is a possibility.
  • 11 years ~ HPV 3 does, girls only
  • 12 years ~ Hep B 3 doses

grilled peanut butter

20 April 2008

i've been really hungry lately.  i actually went through about a month or so where i wasn't hungry very often.  i wasn't eating as i should...6 small meals...and to be honest, i'm still not.  but at least now i'm hungry more often than not.  which i guess is kinda scary, since i want to watch my weight gain from now on, but alas...

one of the things that's really been tasting good lately is grilled peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwiches.  i don't think i've had them since high school...and truthfully, i have no idea where the thought of having one came from.  usually i'm a straight peanut butter sandwich fan.  no jam.  but all of a sudden, last week, that's what i wanted.  i've had 3 now.  well, that's after i eat the one that's grilling right now.  

yum.  the peanut butter gets all warm and gooey and the jam adds just a bit of sweetness.  i likey

placenta craziness


steve and i are thinking about dehydrating and encapsulating my placenta. we've been reading up on it...and i know it sounds a bit kooky and gross...but it has many great and powerful attributes...some are:

  • balance your system
  • replenish depleted iron
  • give you more energy
  • lessen bleeding post-natally
  • been shown to increase milk production
  • help decrease risk/effects of postpartum depression
  • hasten return of uterus to pre-pregnancy state
i know a few folks who have literally eaten their placenta raw, which i simply couldn't do, no matter what benefits it would give me. but if all i have to do is take a pill, that would be cool.

i kinda think we're out there a bit on this natural craziness limb, but if you think of how miraculous and life giving the placenta is and how many nutrients and hormones it contains, it just kinda seems silly to simply throw it away. but we may also just be becoming a bit crazy...we'll see...

i'm still not sure about the decision, but it just seems cool and in a way it kinda makes sense to me. here's a site that gives a lot of research and stuff about it...if you're interested...

boys will be boys

one of the best sounds of the summer are crickets at night, morning doves and robins in the morning...and in the afternoon...the neighborhood kids.

tonight, with the windows open, i'm listening to the birds sing and basketballs hitting the asphalt...but what i just heard, i have to admit, kinda scares me a bit...

there are 2 middle school boys outside playing basketball. i was hearing the typical middle school boy banter when all of a sudden, one breaks out in song. the song was, beautiful by christina aguilera. song by a middle school boy. it was very strange.

i guess that people probably wondered about me when i used to stand on the deck while i was in middle school singing killing an arab by the cure...

never knowing what the song meant and in middle school, not understanding the ramifications of the song, i guess it never hit me what the lyrics were saying...but maybe my other fav. band, the ocean blue, would have been a better band to sing outdoors...ahh, to be back in middle school...that is one age group i do not miss!!

productive and exciting weekend

we bought our car on saturday.  that was scary!  i think it was almost scarier buying the car then my first house!  it sounds silly i know, but at least with a house you're usually not just throwing money away, unlike a car which will depreciate every mile we drive it!   and driving it off the lot was scary.  i thought for sure we were going to get in an accident the moment we turned the corner.  but it's been 2 days and no nicks or scratches!  so, if any of you is looking for a high mileage 2-door honda civic, let us know.  we're posting a ad soon.  it's seen it's better days, but runs like a champ and gets fab mileage.

then today we got our free piano.  what's strange is that it's still in tune...well, as much as we can tell.  it sounds like it's in pretty good tune.  it was a bear to move, but with the help of some strapping young men, we got it in the living i just need to learn to play.  i used to play percussion and therefore, had to learn the xylophone, so i could read music a bit and i knew the keys back in the 8th grade...but, well, that was an amazingly long time ago.  i'm excited to learn though.  i've always wanted to play the piano.  i figure i can't sing and there's nothing i can do about that.  i'm hideous, truly.  but i can learn to play an least, i hope i can!


18 April 2008

i've been feeling strange today. this morning was fine, but this afternoon my stomach feels crampy. not sure if i ate something wrong or if it's braxton hicks contractions. i also feel a lot of pressure form within, as if the babes going through a growth spurt and can't find any more room to fit into. if this feeling doesn't subside, i may make a run into the hospital just to have things checked out. i'm not really worried...but there's always that scaredy cat underneath my thin layer of courage that creeps up.

the contractions or cramps aren't continuous. they come and go and feel like the start of a period. i don't's just the first time i've felt this before. i am a big scarey cat aren't i?!?

scion roller-coaster

17 April 2008

so, the woman who 'bought' our scion yesterday never was able to get her financing in got a call telling us the car is ours if we still want it...i called our financial advisor this morning and it looks like we can get a check written, from the money we've saved up, by saturday.  it feels good to be able to buy a car outright...although the amount still scares me! this may really be happening.  i'm running over to the dealership this morning to put a deposit down.  yikers!  we're actually going to have a car under 100,000 miles...under 200,000 miles!  i'm so geeked!

one of the coolest things about dvr

16 April 2008

twice a day, our new dvr tapes an x-files episode. so cool!

grouchy pants

it's beautiful outside but i'm grouchy.  i thought that if i ate a whole bunch of chocolate chip cookies, i'd feel better.  but it didn't help.  now i feel grumpy and chunky!  doesn't help that this morning, i found out that i've gained 3 pounds in 2 weeks!  wowza..maybe i should stop eating the mint oreo milkshakes i've come to love so much!  i still haven't reached a total weight gain of 25 pound which is the 'target' that's good...but there's something about becoming closer and closer to reaching steve's weight that bothers me...not that it should...i am growing a child within me...but the vain girl that wants a smoking hot body is screaming at me.  i have to find a way to silence that chic once and for all!

i think i should attempt to go outside and do some yard work....that is if i can bend over and dig without killing myself!  oye!  this won't be a pretty may want to steer clear from bowker street people!


so we were going to go back and talk to the dealer on monday about the car we were interested in, but then we remembered that steve had a ministry meeting, so that was out.  so, we went last night and were there until close...we had the number we were ok with...not as low we wanted...but we were ok with it.  steve wanted to give it the night and we figured that since no one else would look at it, we were the last customers, and we'd call first thing in the morning, it wouldn't be a problem...

a lady came by first thing in the morning to test it out.  by the time steve called, she was already test driving it.  she bought it.  blasted!  hindsight's 20/20 isn't it.  and though it's all for the best, it still sucks.  i wanted that car.  and there are so few to choose from in lansing...looks like we need to start traveling to look at more.  there are some in d-town and g.r. and kzoo...i'm just frustrated. 

also, i had another conversation with my doctor about some of my more 'natural' approaches to went ok, but she's still pretty adamant about interventions that i don't want, like getting pitocin to draw my uterus back...i know it's not a huge deal, and i know she has my best interest in mind, i just get sick of hearing all the doom and gloom stuff.  i need to do more research on it. i think i have her ok with me not getting an iv...and she'll wait to clamp the cord for 'a few minutes' which i guess is better than nothing...

it's just been a challenging day for my patience and frustration. i'm emotionally drained and it's only 12ish. i would never want to insult my dr.  i truly like, respect and trust her.  i just think that dr's can be so focused on the what if's, that the natural progression and the trust in our own bodies is thrown to the wind.  and that's a bummer.  but what i need to remember is that the only thing that's truly important to me is the babies health and well-being.  as long as they don't screw with that by giving un-necessary vaccines, antibiotics or medicines, i'm fine.  if i have to take something to appease the medical staff after the baby has been born, fine.  just don't mess with my kid.  wow!  i'm already pulling the whole momma bear thing!  crazy!


15 April 2008

this is pretty cool!  

Krups® and Heineken® have teamed up to create the ultimate beer-drinking experience at home. Compatible with Heineken's DraughtKeg, this counter-top beer-tap system features a silent cooling system that delivers constant, perfectly chilled beer.
 too bad it seems to only work with heineken.  i'm not a huge heine fan...but if we could put some home brew or oberon or red stripe in there...that would be pretty sweet!

peek a belly

14 April 2008

i'm thinking of inventing a way to keep my shirts from creeping up my belly.  nothing i try works now and it gets so annoying and chilly!  i pull my tank-top down and tuck it in my pants and then i pull my shirt down over the top of my pants and within minutes both my tank and shirt are halfway up my belly.  it's seriously ridiculous!  i walk around the house all day with my cold belly hanging out all over the place.  i'm thinking of coming up with suspender clips that one side clips to your underwear and the other to the bottom of your shirt...but then i may have wedgey issues and that wouldn't be fun either... 

i just burned my belly on a hot pan because i didn't have my clothes layer to protect myself...this is becoming a major problem people!

screams after the stillness

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tiffany and bret had their baby girl on friday night.  evalina grace.  

i have to admit that as much as i love seeing my friends deliver healthy babies, there's something extra special about seeing parents of a stillborn child go on to deliver a healthy baby.  there's a joy and blessing to it that i can't describe.  these parents wanted so much to have a healthy child but were robbed of that.  they were given other things, life lessons and memories and dreams of one day meeting their precious child, but really they were robbed of a dream.  so, to see the dream handed back to them is beautiful.  it's like this amazing, awe inspiring blessing.  it's as if God reached down and said that He was sorry that He had to take their first child, but that He needed them for something special and because of their great sacrifice, He will bestow blessings upon them. 

it's like you have to travel down this path of great loss and sacrifice, and though you don't expect anything in return, you're given this amazing special gift.  not that a new child would replace or ease the pain you feel for your previous loss, but it's just this sense of amazing gratitude and thankfulness.  

i can only imagine the feeling of birthing a screaming child and then to have that child given to me warm and wet, with open, piercing eyes and a chunky little bum.  i can only imagine the feeling of that child compared to the feeling of Jorai.  i can only image seeing tears of joy stream down my husbands face rather than tears of sorrow.  i can only image bringing our child home, hearing kix, seeing kix within these walls, instead of the smell of flowers and sights of condolence cards.  the differences are what brings on these immense feelings of gratitude.  i always held onto the thought that God just needed Jorai for something else in His great plan for this world.  that brought me comfort.  i was still pissed beyond belief, but to think of her helping God, brought me joy.  and to think that God will bless us with another child just fills my heart with a gratitude i can't put to words.

but i know other parents of stillborn children understand.  there's a joy and blessing that comes with this new child.  and i'm just so filled with joy that both tiffany and bret get to hold their new baby girl in their arms.  and that she's warm and wiggly and perfectly crated by God.  how sweet is that!

belly talk


my belly is growing at a rapid rate.  i had to break down and buy a new pair of pants.  the jeans i bought a month ago are still to large for me and i feel even more frumpy when i wear them, which was not the style i was going for.  

the babe is cramping my innards now.  i get very strange ramblings and gurgles and bubbles after i eat or drink anything.  as if the babe is squishing my stomach and intestines to the point that there's no room for movement.  it's a very strange feeling...

kix likes hiding in my ribs.  which isn't the most comfortable thing!  he/she spends more of the time there, although last night as i was sitting, all of a sudden i started feeling my torso moving forward.  i kid you not, this child was pushing so hard on my left hip bone that it pushed my torso forward!  it was crazy!  

i truly can't wait to meet this child.  the personality is already showing through.  i can already feel steve's playfulness and my stubbornness.  i know it sounds crazy, but i do.

relaxing time isn't very relaxing anymore.  i can't get comfortable on the couch or in bed.  i try hard, but nothing seems to work.  so i spend most of my evening on my exercise ball and in bed, i just flip from side to side.  it's hard to think that i could have 8 more weeks left.  i'll be patient, but i'm ready.  i want to meet my child.  i want to be a nurturing momma.  

yea babies!

12 April 2008

a friend of mine, who was a mother of a stillborn baby boy last summer,  is in labor right now with a healthy, full term baby.  please pray for her labor to be efficient and natural and for both her and the babies health.  i'm so uber excited right now!!  this is a happy moment.  i wish i could be there with her!

taxes suck

i hate doing taxes.  they always ask you for your income first.  so if you use a software program like turbo tax, you see a large number pop up on in the refund box...but then, as you continue on to putting in the interest and other stuff the government likes to tax you continue see your refund decrease over and over again.  

steve's dad didn't send us a tax document until last week, so i had to wait to finish our taxes until today.  from the time i started this morning until i finished in-putting 2 bank account interests and 3 bond interests our federal refund went down $180 and our michigan refund went down $192!  the thing that really sucks is that we went from getting $102 back from michigan to having to pay them $90!  argh. 

we're getting an ok amount back in federal, but we just use that money to pay our yearly property taxes since they're so freakin' expensive.  ya gotta love holt!  anyway, they're finally done and i don't have to worry about them anymore.  but i still hate doing them.  i wonder how we'll be next year with me staying at home.  it'll be interesting...

the bennett donkey

11 April 2008

i always get a kick out of searching for the lone donkey in a herd of sheep.  i'm not really sure why there's normally a sheep in the mix, maybe it's for the sheep's protection, although i'm not sure what a donkey would do to protect a sheep.  i love passing the farm, which i'm not sure if it's run by msu or not, that's on bennett-off of hagadorn. there's always a donkey there.  he's white and of course the sheep all love him.  he's always surrounded by his flock.  i don't know why i get such a kick out of it and i'm not even sure why i'm blogging about it, other to say that i like it and i look forward to passing the farm for the sole reason of trying to find the donkey.  but yeah, i guess that's it...go check out the bennett donkey.


prior to the tool that called his wife retarded last tuesday in the okemos christian book store, i was sitting on a chair waiting for steve to finish up listening to his scream metal christian music when one of the workers came up to me.  she asked when we were due and if we knew it was a boy or girl and then came the question everyone this your first.  which i'm getting pretty good at answering.  i can usually tell how much to go into the story...some times i simply say this is our second and hope that ends the conversation...some times i say that this is our second but we lost our first at 7 months gestation, so this will be our first live baby.   some times i say that we had a daughter...although i would love to go into Jorai's life all the time, i know it can make people uncomfortable, so a lot of the time i choose to keep it short. answer her question, i told her that this is our second but that we had lost our first at 7 months.  her reaction was typical, 'oh, i'm so sorry'...which i still don't know the best response to, other than thank you.  but alas, she continued to say that she hopes all goes well and then she asked for my name and steve's name and said that she'll start praying for us and the baby.  i just thought that was so nice.  you could tell she really meant it.  it wasn't just empty words.  

as we were leaving, we said goodbye and again, she said 'good luck!  i just put you on the prayer request board in the back!'  wow!  i felt so loved.  here's a woman we don't know who is choosing to individually pray for us and placing our name on a prayer request board.  unfortunately, that doesn't happen all that much.  i truly felt loved and watched over.  i know our friends and family are praying for us and that's wonderful, but there was something about this woman that just touched my heart.  she was just so genuine and you could tell her heart was all about God.  it brought a huge smile to our faces. 


i hate the word retarded.  back when i was growing up it was the derogatory word for someone with mental and/or physical limitations.  i always hated hearing it.  i've always encountered that people with mental and/or physical limitations are usually the most genuine, wonderful people to be around, so i could never understand why someone would want to put them down.

now the word is in our everyday language.  i hear it more and more.  people say this or that is so retarded.  i hate it.  i want to scream every time i hear it. why do people say it?

as we were trying to blow some time last tuesday before going to our first baby class, steve and i stopped in the christian book store in okemos to listen to some music...which by the way, the new kids in the way and spoken suck...anyway, a young couple came in with their infant.  they set their infant on the floor, she was in her car seat, and started looking through the cds.  all of a sudden the husband turns to his wife and says 'what are you doing retarded?'  she instantly said 'don't say that!' and he says 'what?  it's a fun word to say'

my thoughts...which i wanted to spew out but choose to keep in my mind vault, were 'ya know, if your beautiful daughter was born with mental or physical challenges, i'm pretty sure that word, would take on a completely different meaning to you.  also, never ever talk to your wife that way and never in front of your child!"

please don't say that word.  it's so degrading.  it's not a fun word to say.  it's a derogatory word.  and it's just not right.  plus, you sound like a complete tool when you say it.

to xb...or not to xb

10 April 2008

in our search for a new car i found that lansing only has 3 xb's right now...2 at the toyota dealer and another at a small dealership.  the toyota dealer guy we spoke to, who wasn't the guy dan recommended to us, was super pushy and i got a really bad vibe from him.  so that immediately put me of the xb's was a 2005 with 98,000 miles on it.  we test drove it, but didn't want the high mileage.  the other was a 2006 with 48,000.  the 2006 was an ok car, but there were little things we didn't like.  

on a whim tonight, we test drove the 3rd car.  it was a 2006 with only 9,800 miles on it.  it was sparkling.  both the interior and exterior were immaculate.  but they want $13,600...with taxes and junk it's $14,500.  that's about 3-4,000 more than we originally wanted to spend.  but it was like driving a new car.  we got home and started doing some research on it.  the dealer is giving us a deal from what we see at kelly blue book...but it's still pricey.  but then i think that since my current car has 207,000 miles and steves has 222,000...we've done pretty good with cars.  this will be the most we've ever paid for a car.  

man...should we do it?  i hate spending money!  but it would be a nice car.  reliable.  argh!  i hate decisions.  we're calling our financial advisor tomorrow to get his take on it. we have the money, but is this the most sound decision we can make with our money or should we wait to spend a few thousand less?  cars!  they drive me crazy!  she's so pretty though.  and she's silver so we'll be able to tell ours apart from the prices!  

baby dream

08 April 2008

last night i dreamt that i had the baby...but the baby had 6 fingers and came out looking 20 pounds huge.  he looked like a 6 month old.  i woke up thinking, oh my!  i just delivered a toddler!  the crazy part was that i never delivered him, he just emerged...which was nice!  but i know won't be the case in reality!!  he came early, i know 20 pounds and still early, but these are my fears!!  any way, he came early and was still attached to the umbilical cord, so i was trying to find my doctor to put him 'back in'.  i'm not sure what i was thinking at this point!  but obviously the doctor said that the baby was in good health and didn't need to go 'back in'.  

so i was walking around with this toddler that just emerged and my arms hurt because he was so massive and i couldn't find was all very strange.  but, it was my first official boy dream.  which is cool..

i just really hope that i don't deliver a 20 pound baby.  i think i'm seriously nervous about that!

dog etiquette

we have four dogs that surround us. 2 of them live very different lives and it makes me super sad.  we have maggie and turbo to the west of us.  they rock.  one's a lab, the other a golden.  their owners let the dogs out whenever they're out.  they play together and get to enjoy the outdoors.  as dogs should.  then we have checha, a chihuahua, and a standard poodle to the east and south of us.  both of these dogs see the outdoors only by leash and only in their own yards.  their owners stand on the porch and hold tightly to the reigns of their dogs. the poodle owners train poodles for people with needs, which is super cool.  but if you know anything about poodles, they're very high strung.  they need exercise, and these dogs, get none.  and the worst part?  both the poodle and the chihuahua are taken outside multiple times a day, by leash, to go to the bathroom.  the entire time, the owner is yelling at them to 'hurry up' and yanking the leash on their necks.  

can you imagine, sitting on the toilet and someone is yelling at you to hurry up and yanking at your neck?  i just don't understand this mentality.  the poodle owner was just outside for about 10 minutes trying to coerce the poodle to 'hurry up'.  take the friggin' dog on a walk to get his bowels working!  then maybe he could go lady!

i don't know, these things frustrate me.  you wouldn't know it, since we have no pets, but i'm a huge animal lover.  i've had pets, it's just that now since i'm married to a very allergic man, animals are out of the question.  but i used to work for a vet and i've adopted many an animal and i just can't imagine treating an animal like that.  keeping them pent up in the house all day only to let the feel of grass hit their feet as their yelled at to 'hurry up'.  i want to go rescue the animals!

but that's just my opinion.

dragon breath

06 April 2008

my heart burn is crazy right now.  it probably didn't help that i had some chili for dinner tonight...but it feels like my throats on fire!  and i can't get rid of it.  i even tried tums.  ugh!  

kimi no likey the heart burn.

nesting anyone?

after breakfast today, i decided to clean the house...that was around's now's a list of the things i didn't think i'd do today, but somehow did:

  • rearranged the japanese dining room and emptied out a bookcase
  • moved the bakers rack and all the crap on it
  • took down the small bookcase near the front door~relocated magazines and books
  • moved the small bookcase into the japanese dining room and loaded cookbooks into it
  • removed books and cd's from living room bookcase 
  • moved 1st said bookcase into the living room.
  • rearranged all books in the newly transplanted bookcase
  • transported the old living room bookcase outside to paint
  • painted bookcase...twice...(this is going downstairs!  i'm excited about that!!)
  • hung 2 pictures
  • dusted...kinda
  • went through my old photo albums to project~scan all pictures onto hard drive
the house is more of a pigsty than when i started, but i'm getting organized and making room for a piano, which if things work out right, we'll pick up this weekend.  

but, now my back hurts.  i think i should relax and sit in the chair massager and watch a few episodes of a season of america's next top model that i tivo'd earlier today.  

it felt so good to get things done though!  i hope this feeling lasts.  especially since we're down a car so i'll be stranded at the house until we get new wheels...which i guess is the other news that i haven't shared.  steve's car died wednesday bight...bummer!  which at 220,000 miles we shouldn't complain.  it's at the shop waiting to get looked at.  we'll see.  test drove an xb yesterday and we're test driving another one tomorrow.  so maybe we'll just get a new car instead!  that would make me smile!! 

annuale ~ the once a year period

would you like to only have 1 period a year ladies?

steve just called me downstairs to watch this snl commercial... too funny!  i've never understood the need to only have 1 period every 3 months...or just doesn't seem very, well, the way God intended us women to function...i can definitely understand the want to have less periods...since they suck, but come on...and who knows, you might end up growing a second vagina as the video warns!  wowza!

sawyer's gourmet pancake house

there's a new breakfast joint in town.  sawyer's gourmet pancake house.  it's at 608 w. saginaw, which is kinda between mlk and walnut.  they serve pancakes, waffles and french toast, along with eggs, meat and potatoes...oh and they have lunch too.  they try to only serve organic, local food.  even their ketchup is organic!  and their syrup is real maple syrup.  we thought that they may be a bit pricey, but the prices are super reasonable.  they're pancakes are yummy.  they have all kinds.  and they even serve turkey sausage!  we had a great breakfast and we highly recommend them. their diner is small, but clean and the wait-staff are super friendly.  go check them out!

oh yea, to top it off...they serve organic, fair-trade coffee that they grind themselves for each pot of coffee, and their cream is the real deal!  very yummy!!

strange symptoms

my feet are starting to fall sleep much more easily.  even if i simply sit with my legs crossed or indian style.  speaking of crossing my legs, that's getting more difficult too.  it's easier crossing my right leg over my left, but even that's hard.  my belly now gets in the way.  

i'm also starting to get leg cramps and restless leg syndrome at night.  so strange.  all these new side effects from pregnancy really surprise me.  i knew my body changed in pregnancy, but i'm continually surprised about new changes.  

i never had these changes with Jorai.  she was so tiny when we lost her.  i never got to the rough part.  which is kinda cool in a way.  the only memories i have of her living within me are happy ones.  my pregnancy was perfect.  no major aches or pains.  i felt normal most of the time.  

this pregnancy is just so different.  i think i even have a stretch mark on my side.  which i'm not happy about.  but i'd take a million stretch marks for a healthy screaming child.  my back hurts and i can't breath and my extremities fall name it, i probably feel it.  i waddle because my hips are so out of alignment...but i don't care that much.  i just find them interesting.  and all these strange symptoms, in a way, make me feel even more secure about this pregnancy and the health of this little one.  i know it sounds silly and i know it's not right, but i do feel more secure.  

it's just so strange.  i'm carrying a child in my belly, yet my entire body is affected.  in fact, i don't think there's one body part that's not affected.  i was thinking, maybe my fingers aren't affected, but then i remembered the swelling...i haven't been able to wear my wedding band in months!  so even my piggy's are affected...oy vey!  

but again, bring on the uncomfortableness and stretch marks and swelling and snoring (sorry steve!) and whatever else ya got!  because as long as you come our kicking and screaming, i'll be one happy mama!!

are you hiding?

05 April 2008

i have a family member that hides from her emotions. she puts up this front of happiness that's so fake, it's nauseating. she plays as if all is fine and dandy, that she's happy and content while i know, inside she's screaming. no matter what i say, she stays hidden. i can't figure it out. it gets worse and worse each year. i can see her deteriorating and screaming louder and louder within herself, yet she never lets herself feel. she judges everyone, discriminates, puts people on guilt trips, and pulls away for no reason. she'll tell you everything you're doing wrong with your life and how to raise your children. she'll guilt you for not coming to visit yet won't visit herself. and then if she does, nothing makes her happy. nothing is good enough. it's exhausting.

i can't understand why this happens. how the people close to her don't talk to her about it. she's ruining her relationships. and i just can't figure out why. if you email her, whether its a quick hello or a note telling you that your husband has to go through surgery, she won't respond. but then she'll call you in a week and say that she hasn't heard from you in ages. it's non-stop. everything is your fault. as if your breathing wrong.

she used to be this super loving person, and now, i feel as if she's just an empty shell. a shell that portrays happiness while there's only an angry woman inside. it's to the point where if she wasn't a family member, i'd stop talking to her. and i hate that. i hate feeling like that. it makes me sad that she's so sad or depressed or whatever that she can treat people the way she does. she has had nothing but good happen to her in her lifetime so i just don't understand where this negativity comes from. i just don't know what to do. other family members are continually hurt by and frustrated with her. does she not see how she affects those around her? i'm afraid of the coming months...i'm afraid that if we spend more time together i may lash back. i know i have a problem with that. i try and i'm getting pretty good at keeping my calm, but i can only take so much too...and if i do confront her, i hope i can keep my calm and not go ballistic. because if i'm being honest, i feel like going ballistic on her a lot.

i just hate this. hate this situation. i know that you have the family you have for a reason, but sometimes it's just so hard. i do hate the way she treats us, but mostly, i hate the way she's hurting herself. if you spend all your energy judging someone, when you could just be loving them, all you really miss out on is love and laughter.

i need to pray harder for her eyes to be opened. i'd hate for her to finally open her eyes and realize that many of her friends and family members have left. that's what happened to my grandma. she treated those around her so badly that pretty soon there was no one around her anymore. so she turned to martinis. it's so sad to see people travel down paths like those. they're so destructive. and for what?

what good becomes of judging and hate and bickering and well, you name it? if we spent half as much time loving people for who they are, we sure would live in a different world. that's my new challenge to myself. try to push out all the judgements, all the crap that fills my head, and try my hardest to just love people. i'll have a few challenges, but i'm going to try. i'm going to try to just love every one. the more time i spend being pissed off, the less time i have to laugh. and i always want my joy and laughter to be sincere and true. i never want to become a shell of the person i once was. i want to be filled. i want to love. i want to laugh. and i want to show people grace even though, i might not be shown much, i still want to show others love and laughter and grace. please pray that my mind is continually focused on that. i'll need all the prayers i can get.