perinatal appointment

29 February 2008

so...i had my perinatal appointment this didn't start off very well...the receptionist was rude and taking personal calls instead of helping me as i waited for about 10 minutes.  when she was done, she informed me that i had to go register downstairs.  supposidly, i was sent a letter and info packet that told me this, although the letter never came to my house...whatever.  so steve and i ran downstairs to register and then back up.  then, she then told me that this was going to be a 2 hour appointment. which doesn't bode well with steve's job, since he didn't officially take off the time.  that would have been nice to know. 

when we got into the ultrasound room, i was told that not only was i going to have an external ultrasound...i was also going to have a vaginal ultrasound.  that would have been nice to know as well.  that procedure isn't the most fun of fun things to do.   but oh well...because her ultrasound part would take about 40 minutes and we REALLY wanted steve with me when dr. roth came in, he took off to work.  

the ultrasound was fine.  we didn't get any nice shots.  this child of ours is a mover and his face is right behind my belly button right now, so it's just really hard to see.  so that sucked, but it was cool to see everything and she took her time to point out all the organs and cord and such.  it was cool.  when she was done, i asked if we were going to be having a 3/4 D ultrasound since that was what i was told i was getting.  the answer was no...humph...well, ok then.  so we had the normal ultrasound, but they really checked the babe out.  they put on the color too so we could see the blood moving in/out of the cord and heart/lungs. 

steve got back just in time for dr. roth to come in.  he was a lot better than i had imagined.  what i had imagined was satan's spawn.  what he was seemed to be a very intelligent yet extremely pompous doc.  i didn't like him.  he kept laughing in this scary little giggle.  he made inappropriate jokes and comments.  BUT, he did take his time explaining and answering my questions .

the findings:

NOTHING!!!   phew.  not that something can't happen.  but the baby is healthy and normal.  the cord looks great, all the measurements are right on.  all the movement is great.  he didn't ask me to get an amniocentesis, which was something i thought he would.  so all in all, the kiddo is strong, healthy and on his way to being born!  yea!   

so, i'm glad i went.  i feel sorry for people who have to deal with him on a regular basis, but i felt as if he did a good job evaluating me and our baby.  i have to admit, i'm pleasantly pleased.


27 February 2008

i'm not a fan of surveys.  let me just get that out there.  i think they're silly. i used to like them, but then myspace hit and everyday there's a new one and they just bother me.  so i don't do them, i don't read them...BUT  i love my friend beth and she tagged me to do this.  so out of love for her, i will post this one and only survey thing...don't worry.  i'm not tagging anyone.

the rules are:
1) Link to the person who tagged you (I did above).
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

so here i go...

1. i loathe doing the dishes.  i am the primary dish washer and i must admit, there's a bit of frustration with it.  they're never ending.  never.  as much of a environmentalist as i am, i still want to brake all of my dishes and just use paper. on the same token, i love having a clean house but hate to clean.  i have major problems, i know!

2. ever since i was a child i dreamed of being a mother.  and ever since i can remember, i thought that i'd never be able to be a mother.  losing Jorai and now being pregnant again has really scared me.

3. i don't take crap from anyone.  i don't know why.  but i don't.  i wish i could a bit more.  i wish i could let things slide off me, but there's just something in me that can't back down.  if someone pushes against me, i push back.  some days, i wish i wasn't like that.

4. i'm a food and coffee snob.  not that i won't eat something someone gives me, because i'm a strong believer that that's rude.  but if i had my choice of drip coffee or driving 15 miles for an americano.  i'd drive.

5. i love cooking and helping others.  i love surprising and buying gifts for people.  when i'm at a store i always think 'this person would love that!'  i think about getting it but rarely do because i'm not sure if our friendship is at 'that' level.  i'm insecure that way.

6. i'm unbelievably insecure.  i try not to let it show, but i am.  i worry what people think of me, which is silly.  i feel a lot of people don't get me, which again, is silly.  i feel i'm not witty or intelligent or pretty or good enough.  which i know is silly.  i want to break that cycle with my children.  

stillborn birth certificate

26 February 2008

to make my day even better, i get home to find a letter from the michigan department of community health in my mailbox.  excited to finally see Jorai's 'official' birth certificate, i ripped open the envelope only to find a letter asking for more money and a copy of my photo id.  guess they want twice as much as they used to and now they need an photo id, just to make sure your not trying to steal a dead baby's identity...and seeing that she never had a SS # it makes this whole thing all the more ridiculous.  

i've officially had it with today.

work sucks

today was extraordinarily difficult for me to keep my mouth shut and not resign immediately. i don't understand people. i don't understand why people lie. i don't understand how so many can be 100 % selfish and never think about another person’s point of view. it just baffles me. it shocks me actually. i mean, i can be selfish, don't get me wrong...but the audacity of some of these people astounds me.

i started the day being told that i couldn't take my lunch until 5 & 1/2 hours into my day. then i was told that because i took lunch the previous day, on my scheduled lunch break no less, that i missed 2 client visits. of course it wasn't mentioned that one of the clients was running over an hour behind and the second client was brought to me while i was simply not sitting at my desk. of course, i guess that's my fault as well...i mean, what was i thinking leaving to pee or get water. how dare i.

then i get a crappy email from a work mate who thought she knew my hours, but as usual she was wrong. so her email was totally out of line and unprofessional, not to mention the fact that this person rarely comes to work and when she does come, she rarely utilizes me. yet the first time in weeks, when she decides to utilize me, and i'm not available, i get the crap. then they decide to change my work hours once again. so now i work mondays from 10-7 and fridays from 8-5. yes, you read correctly, mondays and fridays.

i really, truly don't want to be a complainer here. i really don't. i want to be able to take the crap they throw and let it slide right off, but i just can't. i just feel them keep throwing crap at me and i have no idea why.

i have 3 more months in this pregnancy. 3 more months of work, tops. why are they continually screwing with me? i love my job. i love my clients, but coming to work is getting increasingly more and more difficult. every day i just wait for another ball to drop. it makes me want to quit all the sooner and i may have to. i can't have this stress right now. i don't want to stress with this baby.

i'm just torn. i don't want to be a quitter. i don't want to be a complainer. but i also don't want to be stressed and allow people to take advantage of me. this agency is going down fast. people are mad and abused and i don't think many will take it for much longer. it's really sad seeing a potentially great company, blow it big time. it honestly makes me feel ashamed for being a part of it.

i need to do some soul searching.

business of being born

25 February 2008


steve and i went to see the business of being born on sunday afternoon. it was amazing. i thought the movie actually spoke the truth about some of the horrors that surround hospital births and showed the amazing outcomes of natural birth. the cool thing, is that i didn't feel any less of a woman for choosing to birth in a hospital. the movie made me wish i had more natural options that would work for me, for example birth centers within or close to a hospital in case something happens, but it never made me feel bad for my decision. i truly thought the movie was beautiful. it showed women birthing in all positions, naturally and beautifully. it was super cool. what it didn't do was try to find solutions to the hospital problems.

as a society, we chose to utilize doctors in our birthing many years ago. yet, since leaving our midwives, we have begun to notice the pitfalls of hospital births. the drugs they push, the positions and sterile environments that aren't conducive to the natural way of birthing, the episiotomies, vacuums and forceps, and of course the c-section rates among many, many other pitfalls.

i personally am a bit reluctant to birth in a hospital. most of my being would rather be at home or a birth center. but there was always something within me that said 'no, this isn't for you. you won't be able to relax and let go'. so we chose a hospital birth. and then we lost Jorai. losing her made me realize that i made the right decision for me. and so for our next child, it's another hospital birth, with a few adjustments. i don't want drugs, i don't want pitocin, no episiotomy, no iv, i want to labor at home...and i just have to pray for my wishes to be met.

the part about the movie that was frustrating was not actually nothing in the movie, it was the panel discussion after. there were hospital and midwifery reps. present and i felt that they were fighting for the most part. many of the attendees took a side and couldn't see the other's view. and i realize that birthing is such a powerful process that produces powerful memories, but i wish instead of fighting for one way or another, we could compromise.

for me, i realize that everyone is different. we all have our convictions, our beliefs and our wants. some women want a complete hospital birth with the drugs and c-sections and whatnot. i personally would never want that, but that's me. and i don't want to take something away from a women's birth experience. some want a completely natural birth at home without any medical intervention, ingesting the placenta and providing no vaccines to their child. again, that's not what steve and i want either. and i kinda felt as if i was in the middle of a fight yesterday.

one of the hospital reps suggested creating birthing centers within local hospitals, and for me, that would be perfect. for me, that would create an atmosphere that made me feel comfortable, while at the same time ease my worries that if something went wrong, we would be close to medical care. yet i heard a lot of snickers from the audience and at least one of the midwives spoke against it.

why do we, as a society, think that there is only one way to do things? why do we try to find 1 solution for all women? what is wrong with having choices? what is wrong with allowing women to birth at home, birth in off-site birth centers, birth in hospital birth centers or choose a complete hospital birth. why does it have to be a all or nothing thing?

it is our choice to birth in a hospital. i love my doctor. and i love my doula. both will be at our birth. but if i was able to do exactly what i wanted, it would be to birth at a birth center that was close to the hospital. as much as i love the greenhouse birth center, and truly wanted to birth there, it was just too far from a hospital for both steve and i. it
's almost a 20 minute ambulance ride to the closest hospital. and that made me super bummed, because i knew that for me, i would never get the birth experience that i truly wanted. right now in lansing, there are home births, birth center births (there is 1 in the lansing area) and hospital births...nothing that combines them. nothing that utilizes the skills and experience of doctors, if needed, but is set in a comfortable birth center with a midwife in attendance. and shouldn't we, as women, be fighting for solutions that work with medical care? shouldn't we be fighting for solutions....not just 1 solution...not for what works best for me, but what would work best for all women?

well, that's just my opinion anyway...

go see the business of being's really wonderfully made.

sex trade

24 February 2008

although we were going to invite folks over this week to watch the docu-movie trade, our sunday plans fell though, so we watched it saturday night. this movie was devastatingly brilliant. it was horrific yet something that you must see. there were parts i wanted to turn my head away, but i felt that i had to watch it. in my opinion, anyone who has ever looked at porn, has unfortunately helped this horrendous business profit, and thus, has to see the horrors behind the smut.

it was a fictional movie based on everyday events. here is some information on the movie site.
The practice of slavery in the US is something most people think ended with the 13th Amendment in 1865, but in recent years it has returned in an even more virulent form. Fueled by the collapse of the Soviet Union and other eastern European countries, new technologies like the internet, and sieve-like borders, the traffic in human beings has become an epidemic of colossal dimensions. The State Department estimates that as many as 800,000 people are trafficked over international frontiers each year, largely for sexual exploitation. Eighty percent are female and over fifty percent are minors. Many people in this country push this atrocity out of their minds, believing that it only occurs in faraway countries like Thailand, Cambodia, the Ukraine and Bosnia. The truth is that the United States has become a large-scale importer of sex slaves. Free the Slaves, America's largest anti-slavery organization estimates that at least 10,000 people a year are smuggled or duped into this country by sex traffickers.
please, watch this movie.

updated nursery pics

23 February 2008

here is the latest nursery pic.  the first one was taken without the flash so you can see the cool light show the ceiling light gives off.  the second was taken with the flash.  

i can't wait for us to peek inside this quite room and hear the sounds of our child.  the thought makes me shiver. 

poopy kicks

22 February 2008

ok, so i don't mean to be gross here, but this child of mine keeps kicking me in an area that should never be kicked.  i feel like i either keep farting or pooping my pants.  but in actuality, it's just my growing child kicking me in the lowest part of my's a very strange feeling. i just had to share.  sorry.

i had my 25 week check up today.  all is well.  heart beat is 150ish and strong.  it's always such a blessing to hear that beautiful noise!  my doc wants me to take the glucose tolerance test.  she can't make me, but she's really encouraging it.  i might bow down and do it.  that was the last test i had with Jorai, 3 days before she passed.  it's harmless, i know, but nonetheless, i was thinking of forgoing it...we'll see.  

i see the perinatologist next friday.  i haven't heard pleasant things about the man, but unfortunately he's the only perinatologist in the lansing area.  which sucks.  you'd think if enough people complain they would kick him out.  i can't say anything negative since i haven't met the guy yet, but it doesn't sound pretty.  and you'd think that if you work with moms having difficult pregnancies, you'd need to be a very caring person...but that's just me.

we're going to a showing of the business of being born tomorrow.  i'll let ya know how it is.

baby news

21 February 2008

the baby keeps going through growth spurts. it seems as if every morning i wake to find my belly larger than the night before. i also wake up famished. i'm addicted to frozen blueberry waffles and fake bacon for breakfast. i just can't get enough. it's silly.

the babe is moving a lot. i broke down on tuesday and purchased a kick trak to track the babe's movement. it has gotten a lot of awards and is suppose to cut down the risk of stillborn. although, i know it wouldn't have mattered with Jorai. her passing came instantaneously. the dr. told me that even if we were to see the rupture as it happened, by the time we got to the o.r., she would have already been gone. but, this new little counter helps me feel a bit more reassured in a way. plus i can use it to track my contractions when my birthing starts.

i quit my job tuesday. which was strange. i've really learned this past year, just how little control i have in my life. it seems that the majority of my plans have not materialized the way i plan them to. which is hard for me in a way. the plans that have fallen through my fingers have all been pretty huge plans. Jorai, work...things i had planned for and looked forward to seemed to just vaporize in front of me. i know God is holding the reigns. i see things i really don't want to do, am scared of or just apprehensive about materializing and taking root in my life...while others that bring me comfort are disentigrating. God know that i continually need to be stretched and broken to be close to Him...that's how i run i guess. if i get too comfortable, He can't use me very well. maybe if i could find a way to follow Him wholeheartedly without being broken, He wouldn't have to place me in the refining fires so frequently. guess i'm just one of those problem children He has. He grounds me and i learn for a week or two...and then i forget and start being me again, so He has to ground me again. oye...if only i could just learn and keep the wisdom.

so yeah, at some point i'll be jobless...they're keeping me on until they find someone to replace we'll see. could be 2 weeks from now, could be 3 months...guess i just have to see what the Big Man upstairs has in store for me.

let go of the reigns kim...let go of the reigns..

maternity pants

19 February 2008

last week, a pair of my maternity pants were too loose. i had to wear a band around them to keep them up. this week, they fit. in fact, when i sit, my little babe keeps kicking where the pants hit my belly. i can't figure out if the tightness is cramping my babe's style or if i can just feel more movement because there's something tight against my belly.

either way, i love feeling all the movement!

back from florida

18 February 2008's snowing.  joy

the sun and warmth was wonderful.  we had a few picnics at our engagement spot along the beach, got to see a few sunsets, saw a geriatric circus, ate ben and jerry's ice cream, almost went to a fishing festival, kinda saw a manatee, found a dress to wear to will and monaca's wedding, had a old man ask me on the plane if i had to purchase 2 tickets since i was so large...nice, got to shop at trader joes when we got back into d-town...and well, just relaxed.  i'll post some pictures when i get some extra time.  

while on vacation i got some crappy news.  they're reinstating my position to a full time position.  which in normal circumstances might be nice, but it's an all or nothing deal.  i either have to go back to work full time at 6 months preggo for the last 3 months of my pregnancy, or i have to quit.  which kinda sucks.  it's been nice working my 2 days a week.  i currently don't feel comfortable working full time with what happened to Jorai last june...but then when i think if i lost another child, i would be totally jobless.  it's just a sucky situation.  but steve and i talked about it and in the long run, we think it's best to resign.  personally, i don't understand how they can pull my days away from me one month and then make it mandatory to take my days back another, but it just reminds me that businesses don't really care about you anyway.  they're only out for themselves. i just need to remember that God's in control.  He's setting my life before me.  I just need to be trusting of Him and let go of my doubts.  

hopefully i'll be able to stay on until they find someone to replace me.  but if they do find someone who will work for  peanuts and have one of the most crappy health insurance premiums out there, then i'll be jobless as of march 1.  which i guess may be a good time anyway...i'll probably start nesting sometime around april...and i could take on some more volunteer days at ele's place and that's when i'll start seeing the doc more too...also march 17th marks my 28th week.  the same week we lost Jorai.  so it'll be a rough go anyway...maybe this is a better thing that i thought.

the babe's doing well.  if i hadn't already had 2 ultrasounds i would think i was having twins.  i feel movement at the same time at complete opposite sides of my belly.  i'm thinking this child is going to long.  just like their sister was.  

so that's my update in a nutshell...i'll post some pics soon


11 February 2008

we're off in 12 hours. sun and warmth, here we come.

the last time we were there, steve proposed to how our lives have changed!!



i was realizing on my way to work this morning how blessed i was to have lost a child. i know that sounds backwards and honestly, tomorrow i'll probably think this thought came from lack of sleep or something....but here are my thoughts.

losing Jorai sucked. so much so that i thought i would lose myself in the grief at times. but through losing her, steve and i realized how important life is. how important friends and family are. how precious life is. i still struggle at times. i still get caught up in my sadness of missing her. i still get angry at God for taking her away. and i still get caught up in life's every day junk. but then there are days like this where i think, what are we all doing here? why am i angry? why am I letting this affect me?

Jorai was this little bundle of joy that steve and i couldn't wait to meet. but when we finally met her, the reality of her collided with our dreams of her. it was devastating. but slowly the fog of grief started to lift and we could see these little inklings of joy in our sadness. we now know the precious gift of life in more ways than most. everything has changed. for example, a small thing that people keep saying to me when they hear that i'm due in june is 'well thank goodness you don't have to go through the hot summer!'. it's such a small comment. but even with that, since losing Jorai, my realization is that the heat of summer doesn't compare to a screaming child.

i know that's a minuscule example, but it applies to all things. i know have my life in full perspective now. and though i lose it occasionally, for the most part, i now know what's important in this life. it's not the pursue of the ultimate job or love or vacation or family or whatever. what's important is what you do with the time given to you, loving and accepting your family, as hard as it can in point, mine, today, pouring into others and your community….

i miss my Jorai Mae every day. it absolutely sucks to not have her physically here with me. yet, i'm constantly reminded that she is here with me. her memory drives me to remember what's important.

i think that's pretty cool.


the emails are flying today regarding the whole family reunion thing. what a bucket of vomit. what is it with families, that makes it so hard to be a part of them?

the clincher for me was my dad remarking on how much he laughed at my cousin calling his wife an idiot and dumb ass. in fact he said it was the only time he has laughed though this whole discussion.

yes, it's true. my dad supports verbally abusing your wife. and i guess so does my mom. i think i've reached my vomit level of the day. i have to say, i'm currently completely and utterly disgusted.

once again, i'm reminded how lucky i am to have the family
of friends that i have surrounding me. and i'm blessed more than words can describe, to have a husband that loves me and respects me, even when i frustrate him. i can't tell you how humiliated and upset i would be if i ever heard those cruel words fall from my husbands lips...and then to hear that it was funny to my dad.

i'm just speechless right now.


steve and i went to a communication training at riverview on sunday. i feel like i listen fairly well...but not all the time. i listen very well to friends and my husband. i want to be involved in their lives. but there are others who i don't listen to very well. plus, i have an absolutely atrocious memory, so even when i do listen, i forget. it's ridiculous. it makes me feel like an idiot. so we went to learn to communicate better.

in the training we were taught to just let the person talk. try not to interrupt. you should make sure they know you're actively listening, but sometimes, just allowing someone to vent and talk out loud, they will be able to resolve their problems.

as i was typing my first post this morning, i was reminded of this. it made me think about all the posts i've posted...most of the ones where i'm venting or dealing with loss, frustration..whatever, i always feel better after posting it. i'm always finding closure or solutions or just plain comfort after i post.

i guess that's another reason why i blog. i'm asked that a lot. why i blog. i think it's a few things. i've always liked to write. i've always penned down my thoughts. so it was an easy transition. i live a pretty open life, so it's easy for me to do so on the www. i also like to share. i like to spread knowledge and i like to air my view points out there to see what others think. but i now realize there's another reason. blogging, it seems, is a way for me to work out my feelings, thoughts and frustrations through written word, rather than blowing a gasket and causing huge commotion’s. i used to scream and punch and kick walls. now i type.

i think typing is a much better venue.


lately i've really been feeling a lot of selfishness surround me. not that i'm immune to it. i too can be a bit selfish here and there, but lately, it's been surrounding me in enormous amounts. and though the old kim wants to blow a gasket and scream and yell, causing the biggest commotion i can cause, i'm glad that Christ continues to change that part in me. i’m glad HE helps me hold my tongue!

my family, both immediate and dad's side, talked about a 'family reunion' 2 years ago. well, let me rephrase, a few of them thought of a 'family reunion' and then told all of us where we were going. though nothing was offically sent out about prices until a few weeks ago… they were suppose to travel on thanksgiving to an all inclusive mexico resort. because at the time, we would have an infant, and really a $3000 trip to mexico, as wonderful as it sounds, would be just a wee bit out of our price range...and then to bring an infant...not so much fun. we originally said we couldn't go. then a few weeks ago, another family said that they couldn't afford it and then after one family sent out an email suggesting a different, maybe US, smaller scale vacation, i agreed and sent out a few other suggestions. people who wanted the mexico trip went ballistic. one even called his wife and idiot and dumb ass. yes, this is my family. and i thought a family vacation was about the family getting together, not only the well off families participating in a vacation...i know some family members really wonted this trip, but is it really about what you want or is it about what all family members can afford and attend? i have since wiped my hands clean of the mess. it's not worth it.

but that's just one instance. time after time i get things thrown at me. someone doesn't want to do something so lets give it to kim. someone can't work on one day, so let's call in's never ending.

this sense of selfishness makes me sad. it makes me realize that so many of us are out for number one. there is no grace. no patience. no helping one another out. it makes me realize how much more i need to walk in grace. and patience. i've always liked to help people, so i think that's where some of this comes in. i think people get use to asking me to do something. and i don't want to stop, but i also don't want to be a push over. i need to find balance.

but i have to say, even as i write this. even though i'm frustrated and disappointed with my family and some others who take advantage. i'm reminded of all the wonderful and caring people surrounding me. they may not be my blood family, but for the most part, they are more my family than my blood family will ever be. i have people who love me and support me and are there when i need a shoulder, just as i am for them. these are the people i cherish. these are the people who are easy to love.

so how do i love the people who take advantage of me? how do i love the people who care only about themselves? how do i show them grace when all i want to do is wipe my hands clean of them?

my house is a disaster, but i don't want to clean it

10 February 2008

so i'll waste some time on the blog...

i think the rash is getting better.  it's doesn't look so raw and horrible.  i hope it's not a hormonal thing.  i like my face normal and i really hate scratching it off every moment or two. 

baby news:

this child keeps me on my toes.  some days i feel movement all day long.  i can even see it when i watch my belly, which amazes me since i'm only 23 weeks along.  other days, this child rarely moves.  it totally freaks me out.  of course i instantly think i'm losing the baby.  i try to relax and think all is well, but of course it's easier to say than do.  yesterday was one of those days.  i was waiting all day for movement.  the littlest movements would make my tension ease a little, but they were few and far between, until of course last night while i was trying to concentrate on my hypnobabies cd...and then the kid was going crazy!  today, it's my typical banshee baby.  as soon as i woke, this babe was twirling inside me.  and all day as been the same.  

is that normal?  to feel so much movement one day and then hardly anything at all the next?

scratching my face off

09 February 2008

my doc thinks i could have either 2 conditions...

1. contact dermatitis. which i'm usually not allergic to anything, but i guess in pregnancy, among many things, my body chemistry is all screwy which makes things that normally wouldn't bother me, bother me.

2. this is a hormonal rash. which if it's the case, i get to endure it for another 17 weeks.

she gave me hydrocortisone creme, which seems to take the itch away for a bit, but then it comes back and once again i want to scratch my face off. it doesn't seem to be getting any worse, yet to my utter disappointment, it's not getting any better either.

to top things off, we're leaving for florida on tuesday for a week. which i'm supra excited about, yet in the heat (it's going to be an average of the mid 70's) my rash may get worse..since pregnant women can get heat rashes too.

because of all of this in addition to steve's prediction and a gentle nudging for the past few weeks, i think i have to change my opinion on the gender of this, i'm thinking boy. with the crazy amount of movement and this child making me ugly, i'm leaning towards baseball and scuffed knees.

itches and scratches

07 February 2008

i still have a sore throat.  nothing too bad...but scratchy and  plus, i woke tuesday with a small red itchy bump.  figuring i got bitten by a spider, i didn't think much about it.  now it's a larger spot on my chin and is traveling down my neck. super itchy.  i don't know what's going on, but lets just say that this pregnant chic isn't a happy camper at the moment!  

i think i'll pout for the day.


05 February 2008

my throat hurts. argh.

naughty natalie

04 February 2008

for lunch today, i went to subway...not too naughty, though instead of my light mayo, i got the full fat southwest sauce and then i saw the cookies. had to have one of 'em...and then i splurged and got a soda. i know i need to watch my sugar, but, man was that cookie yummy! i haven't had one in almost a year!

bad subway white chocolate macadamia cookie! bad!

oh, and while i'm talking about naughtiness...i finally broke down and went to qd to try their peppermint ice cream. i've had 2 people tell me how good it was. in fact one person said 'it's so good, it's gooey!'. well, after that, i drove right over. he was right. although it's loaded with the stuff we try to avoid, i scarfed it down with some chocolate sauce and oh, was it yummy. get while you can kids. it's seasonal.


go check this out. please. i haven't checked it out completely. i've just filled out the form. now i need to put it on my home computer. but what an easy way to bring money into an amazing organization! i'm so excited. please share this with anyone!!

Almost 1,000 online marketers - from Dell to JC Penny - from Target Stores to The Wall Street Journal - have agreed to donate a portion of online purchases you make through their website to stillbirth. Amounts vary by vendor. Go Daddy, the world's largest Internet Registrar, will donate up to 8.8% of your purchases on their website to The National Stillbirth Society.

There is no charge to register at I-GIVE. There are no pop ups, spam or threats. It is a worry free site you can use to support stillbirth research automatically every time you visit an I-GIVE merchant member's website. With your help, by getting others to sign up at I-GIVE too, you can easily multiply the money you are able to raise for stillbirth.

stillbirth tax credit?

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tiffany and i were talking after church saturday about having to do our taxes. she said that we can actually claim our babies on our taxes. which in a way makes me feel sad, but in another way, it makes me feel a little joy. not to put a price on my child’s life, but to me, it's a mere smidgen of recognition that i've been waiting for.

as i've mentioned before, mi is a state that doesn't recognize a stillborn child as a child. they won't give you an actual birth certificate, which doesn't add the child to any clinical data. which sucks seeing that 1 in every 115 deliveries is still. it's hard to describe the feeling of wanting the world to recognize your child. it's easy for the parents and anyone who has been personally affected by the loss to recognize the child as a child. but to others, all they see is a loss, a mishap, a ‘fetal demise’. in fact i think that's where so many of the comments like 'oh, don't worry, you'll have more children' come from. you wouldn't say that if they had just lost they 10 year old child to leukemia. so why is it ok to say that to someone who's lost a baby?

anyway, after the conversation with tiffany, i did some research. turns out there was a mi bill signed into law in 2006 that gave parents a $150 tax credit for a stillborn child. again, a part of me hurts, thinking that i'm going to be asking for a mere $150 for the life of my child...but to me it's the recognition that really counts. someone out there, brought this to the governor. someone cared. someone realized that even a child that comes into the world still, is still a child. to me, this is one step in many.

the site i found the senate bill 1176 on, had a few comments. all of them negative. all of them, i think, trying to side on the side of parents, yet you could tell most have never lost a child due to a stillbirth. they all were complaining that the state is putting a price on a life and how shameful that was. one person's comment was simply 'pure unadulterated natural fertilizer.' one person commented who had gone through a loss, but unfortunately he was only speaking out of anger i think. one comment he made was 'what is this measly token going to accomplish other than to remind people when they do their taxes of something they want to forget.' which makes me sad. i never want to forget.

well, for me, that $150 dollars, as little as it is, signifies that there are people out there who care about this issue, that legislation is happening at the grassroots level and that one day, those who have gone through a loss like ours, might not be sent home with a hand written, unofficial birth certificate, but a real certificate. and one day the children we loose in this way, will be more than a 'fetal demise' they'll be remembered as children. maybe someday there'll be better testing or studies to find out how we loose so many of these beautiful children.

One in every 115 deliveries is a dead baby. If deliveries were aircraft landings, Phoenix Sky Harbor airport, with about 700 landings daily, would have 6 fatal crashes every day. How long does one think the FAA would allow that to continue? Twenty-four hours? And yet as a nation we tolerate 80 pregnancies on average "crashing" daily in the U. S.
and Jorai's $150, that $150 from the state of mi, will be added to all the other money we've gotten in her memory. and one day, hopefully soon, our church will have an amazing children's memorial garden. that $150 may not be much, it may not help our grief or dry our tears, but it does, in a way, help us, help Jorai, help others. and that's what matters.

good news

last tuesday morning, i was freaking out because i couldn't feel the babe move...

i've finally figured it out...and i truly hope that it lasts for years to come!!! i think this child is a late sleeper!

on days i don't work, i sleep until 8:30-9...and then i get up and eat breakfast and don't really think about not feeling movement because i'm up and around...when i work in hastings, i wake up @ 7 with steve but again, i'm getting ready for work and eating and running all around, so by the time i sit down, it's around well~ 9 in the car but 10 at work...the days i work in charlotte are the only days that i'm sitting behind my desk by 8:30. nothing is keeping my attention, but work emails, schedule making and feeling a lack of movement.

once again, today, i hadn't been feeling movement. i was sitting here in charlotte again, wondering why i haven't felt anything when i thought, well, when do i normally feel movement? and it hit me. 10am. here it is 11 and the kid is rolling around like crazy!

the morning seems to be a a very still time, but once 10 hits. i start feeling movement.

the problem with this schedule? the kid wakes me up in the middle of the night because of kicks and punches and flips...are we going to have a night owl? and if so, how are we going to handle it! we go to bed at 10. i think we're gearing up for a rude awakening!!

i can't wait!

choose your words wisely

once again my blood has boiled. in fact the phone conversation that racked me happened 30 minutes ago and my cheeks are still ablazin'. i'm ok., I’m not mad…I realize that people don't think before they talk...present company included! but man...

so, 30 minutes ago, a nurse called me from my obgyn office telling me that my doctor is going to be referring me to a perinatologist for a consult and ultrasound. this doctor would like me to get some blood work prior to the appointment...what the nurse said was 'dr. smith wants you to get some blood work prior to your consult because of your previous fetal demise'. this is was same nurse that mentioned my 'fetal demise' a few months ago.

a few months ago, i let it slide. today i didn't.
i immediately said, 'could you please not say that?'
the nurse said 'what?'
i said 'i know medically, that is what it's called, but it's not a nice term to hear'.
her response? 'oh, well, that's just what it's called medically.'

what i wanted to say, but chose to silence myself and go directly to the doctor with it was 'oh, well, i call it a child. my child.'

so now, i will be talking to the doctor about this. i thought i'd let it slide and hope that she just made a slip of the tongue. personally working in a clinic, i know clinical people get in the routine of talking medical speak and slip up now and then, but to have to hear it twice...i'm not having it.

i think i may even offer my time to come talk to the staff about how to handle parents who have lost their child, prenatal. i'm surprised how many medical staff truly get it wrong. in the hospital, during my delivery, i couldn't have said more positive things about our medical staff. they were sincere and careful with their words and actions...but getting back into a doctors office, some staff can be amazing, and others are just oblivious.

i guess the way i look at it is, if our child lived but then died of cancer within the first year of life, i'm pretty positive that no doctor or nurse would say 'well, because of your cancer kid...' so how come it's ok to say fetal demise? i'm really starting to loath that term.


01 February 2008

i think it's really funny. our dr. always has a hard time finding our childs heartbeat, and then when she finds it, we usually only get to hear it for about 10 seconds or so because the child moves again. this little bundle, is a bundle of acrobatics! flipping and turning all day long. it's so funny...i have a feeling we're going to have a very active little newman.

we talked to the dr. today about the 3 or 4 D ultrasound too. she's going to talk to the dr. who she refers people to, to see if it would be beneficial. of course she would just send me to him to have the ultrasound, but i told her that i only wanted to have one if we could get a better look at the cord. although she doesn't think that we'd get a better look at the cord, she thinks that the dr. may be able to do some more measurements of the blood flow through the cord. i hate to have so many ultrasounds, since i've already had 2 and i'll probably have at lease 1 or 2 more, but i just want to make sure all is ok this time. i would hate to have to go through the same thing and know that i never had tests done that could have possibly caught it.

i'm only 6 weeks from the 28 week mark. the week i lost Jorai. the dr. recommended that we plan a date or something for that week. i think we should. it may be a traumatic week for me.

i can't believe that i'm 6 weeks from my 3rd trimester. crazy!