Showing posts from February, 2008

perinatal appointment

so...i had my perinatal appointment this didn't start off very well...the receptionist was rude and taking personal calls instead of helping me as i waited for about 10 minutes.  when she was done, she informed me that i had to go register downstairs.  supposidly, i was sent a letter and info packet that told me this, although the letter never came to my house...whatever.  so steve and i ran downstairs to register and then back up.  then, she then told me that this was going to be a 2 hour appointment. which doesn't bode well with steve's job, since he didn't officially take off the time.  that would have been nice to know. 
when we got into the ultrasound room, i was told that not only was i going to have an external ultrasound...i was also going to have a vaginal ultrasound.  that would have been nice to know as well.  that procedure isn't the most fun of fun things to do.   but oh well...because her ultrasound part would take about 40 minutes and we …


i'm not a fan of surveys.  let me just get that out there.  i think they're silly. i used to like them, but then myspace hit and everyday there's a new one and they just bother me.  so i don't do them, i don't read them...BUT  i love my friend beth and she tagged me to do this.  so out of love for her, i will post this one and only survey thing...don't worry.  i'm not tagging anyone.
the rules are:
1) Link to the person who tagged you (I did above).
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

so here i go...

1. i loathe doing the dishes.  i am the primary dish washer and i must admit, there's a bit of frustration with it.  they're never ending.  never.  as much of a environmentalist as i am, i still want to brake all of my dishes and just use paper. on the same token, i love having a clean house but hate …

stillborn birth certificate

to make my day even better, i get home to find a letter from the michigan department of community health in my mailbox.  excited to finally see Jorai's 'official' birth certificate, i ripped open the envelope only to find a letter asking for more money and a copy of my photo id.  guess they want twice as much as they used to and now they need an photo id, just to make sure your not trying to steal a dead baby's identity...and seeing that she never had a SS # it makes this whole thing all the more ridiculous.  
i've officially had it with today.

work sucks

today was extraordinarily difficult for me to keep my mouth shut and not resign immediately. i don't understand people. i don't understand why people lie. i don't understand how so many can be 100 % selfish and never think about another person’s point of view. it just baffles me. it shocks me actually. i mean, i can be selfish, don't get me wrong...but the audacity of some of these people astounds me.

i started the day being told that i couldn't take my lunch until 5 & 1/2 hours into my day. then i was told that because i took lunch the previous day, on my scheduled lunch break no less, that i missed 2 client visits. of course it wasn't mentioned that one of the clients was running over an hour behind and the second client was brought to me while i was simply not sitting at my desk. of course, i guess that's my fault as well...i mean, what was i thinking leaving to pee or get water. how dare i.

then i get a crappy email from a work mate who thou…

business of being born

steve and i went to see the business of being born on sunday afternoon. it was amazing. i thought the movie actually spoke the truth about some of the horrors that surround hospital births and showed the amazing outcomes of natural birth. the cool thing, is that i didn't feel any less of a woman for choosing to birth in a hospital. the movie made me wish i had more natural options that would work for me, for example birth centers within or close to a hospital in case something happens, but it never made me feel bad for my decision. i truly thought the movie was beautiful. it showed women birthing in all positions, naturally and beautifully. it was super cool. what it didn't do was try to find solutions to the hospital problems.

as a society, we chose to utilize doctors in our birthing many years ago. yet, since leaving our midwives, we have begun to notice the pitfalls of hospital births. the drugs they push, the positions and sterile environments that aren't cond…

sex trade

although we were going to invite folks over this week to watch the docu-movie trade, our sunday plans fell though, so we watched it saturday night. this movie was devastatingly brilliant. it was horrific yet something that you must see. there were parts i wanted to turn my head away, but i felt that i had to watch it. in my opinion, anyone who has ever looked at porn, has unfortunatelyhelped this horrendous business profit, and thus, has to see the horrors behind the smut.

it was a fictional movie based on everyday events. here is some information on the movie site.
The practice of slavery in the US is something most people think ended with the 13th Amendment in 1865, but in recent years it has returned in an even more virulent form. Fueled by the collapse of the Soviet Union and other eastern European countries, new technologies like the internet, and sieve-like borders, the traffic in human beings has become an epidemic of colossal dimensions. The State Department estimates that a…

updated nursery pics

here is the latest nursery pic.  the first one was taken without the flash so you can see the cool light show the ceiling light gives off.  the second was taken with the flash.  

i can't wait for us to peek inside this quite room and hear the sounds of our child.  the thought makes me shiver.

poopy kicks

ok, so i don't mean to be gross here, but this child of mine keeps kicking me in an area that should never be kicked.  i feel like i either keep farting or pooping my pants.  but in actuality, it's just my growing child kicking me in the lowest part of my's a very strange feeling. i just had to share.  sorry.
i had my 25 week check up today.  all is well.  heart beat is 150ish and strong.  it's always such a blessing to hear that beautiful noise!  my doc wants me to take the glucose tolerance test.  she can't make me, but she's really encouraging it.  i might bow down and do it.  that was the last test i had with Jorai, 3 days before she passed.  it's harmless, i know, but nonetheless, i was thinking of forgoing it...we'll see.  
i see the perinatologist next friday.  i haven't heard pleasant things about the man, but unfortunately he's the only perinatologist in the lansing area.  which sucks.  you'd think if enough people complai…

baby news

the baby keeps going through growth spurts. it seems as if every morning i wake to find my belly larger than the night before. i also wake up famished. i'm addicted to frozen blueberry waffles and fake bacon for breakfast. i just can't get enough. it's silly.

the babe is moving a lot. i broke down on tuesday and purchased a kick trak to track the babe's movement. it has gotten a lot of awards and is suppose to cut down the risk of stillborn. although, i know it wouldn't have mattered with Jorai. her passing came instantaneously. the dr. told me that even if we were to see the rupture as it happened, by the time we got to the o.r., she would have already been gone. but, this new little counter helps me feel a bit more reassured in a way. plus i can use it to track my contractions when my birthing starts.

i quit my job tuesday. which was strange. i've really learned this past year, just how little control i have in my life. it seems that the majority of…

maternity pants

last week, a pair of my maternity pants were too loose. i had to wear a band around them to keep them up. this week, they fit. in fact, when i sit, my little babe keeps kicking where the pants hit my belly. i can't figure out if the tightness is cramping my babe's style or if i can just feel more movement because there's something tight against my belly.

either way, i love feeling all the movement!

back from florida's snowing.  joy
the sun and warmth was wonderful.  we had a few picnics at our engagement spot along the beach, got to see a few sunsets, saw a geriatric circus, ate ben and jerry's ice cream, almost went to a fishing festival, kinda saw a manatee, found a dress to wear to will and monaca's wedding, had a old man ask me on the plane if i had to purchase 2 tickets since i was so large...nice, got to shop at trader joes when we got back into d-town...and well, just relaxed.  i'll post some pictures when i get some extra time.  
while on vacation i got some crappy news.  they're reinstating my position to a full time position.  which in normal circumstances might be nice, but it's an all or nothing deal.  i either have to go back to work full time at 6 months preggo for the last 3 months of my pregnancy, or i have to quit.  which kinda sucks.  it's been nice working my 2 days a week.  i currently don't feel comfortable working full time with what ha…


we're off in 12 hours. sun and warmth, here we come.

the last time we were there, steve proposed to how our lives have changed!!


i was realizing on my way to work this morning how blessed i was to have lost a child. i know that sounds backwards and honestly, tomorrow i'll probably think this thought came from lack of sleep or something....but here are my thoughts.

losing Jorai sucked. so much so that i thought i would lose myself in the grief at times. but through losing her, steve and i realized how important life is. how important friends and family are. how precious life is. i still struggle at times. i still get caught up in my sadness of missing her. i still get angry at God for taking her away. and i still get caught up in life's every day junk. but then there are days like this where i think, what are we all doing here? why am i angry? why am I letting this affect me?

Jorai was this little bundle of joy that steve and i couldn't wait to meet. but when we finally met her, the reality of her collided with our dreams of her. it was devastating. but slowly the fog of grief started to …


the emails are flying today regarding the whole family reunion thing. what a bucket of vomit. what is it with families, that makes it so hard to be a part of them?

the clincher for me was my dad remarking on how much he laughed at my cousin calling his wife an idiot and dumb ass. in fact he said it was the only time he has laughed though this whole discussion.

yes, it's true. my dad supports verbally abusing your wife. and i guess so does my mom. i think i've reached my vomit level of the day. i have to say, i'm currently completely and utterly disgusted.

once again, i'm reminded how lucky i am to have the family of friends that i have surrounding me. and i'm blessed more than words can describe, to have a husband that loves me and respects me, even when i frustrate him. i can't tell you how humiliated and upset i would be if i ever heard those cruel words fall from my husbands lips...and then to hear that it was funny to my dad.

i'm just speechless …


steve and i went to a communication training at riverview on sunday. i feel like i listen fairly well...but not all the time. i listen very well to friends and my husband. i want to be involved in their lives. but there are others who i don't listen to very well. plus, i have an absolutely atrocious memory, so even when i do listen, i forget. it's ridiculous. it makes me feel like an idiot. so we went to learn to communicate better.

in the training we were taught to just let the person talk. try not to interrupt. you should make sure they know you're actively listening, but sometimes, just allowing someone to vent and talk out loud, they will be able to resolve their problems.

as i was typing my first post this morning, i was reminded of this. it made me think about all the posts i've posted...most of the ones where i'm venting or dealing with loss, frustration..whatever, i always feel better after posting it. i'm always finding closure or solutions o…


lately i've really been feeling a lot of selfishness surround me. not that i'm immune to it. i too can be a bit selfish here and there, but lately, it's been surrounding me in enormous amounts. and though the old kim wants to blow a gasket and scream and yell, causing the biggest commotion i can cause, i'm glad that Christ continues to change that part in me. i’m glad HE helps me hold my tongue!

my family, both immediate and dad's side, talked about a 'family reunion' 2 years ago. well, let me rephrase, a few of them thought of a 'family reunion' and then told all of us where we were going. though nothing was offically sent out about prices until a few weeks ago… they were suppose to travel on thanksgiving to an all inclusive mexico resort. because at the time, we would have an infant, and really a $3000 trip to mexico, as wonderful as it sounds, would be just a wee bit out of our price range...and then to bring an infant...not so much fun. …

my house is a disaster, but i don't want to clean it

so i'll waste some time on the blog...
i think the rash is getting better.  it's doesn't look so raw and horrible.  i hope it's not a hormonal thing.  i like my face normal and i really hate scratching it off every moment or two. 
baby news:
this child keeps me on my toes.  some days i feel movement all day long.  i can even see it when i watch my belly, which amazes me since i'm only 23 weeks along.  other days, this child rarely moves.  it totally freaks me out.  of course i instantly think i'm losing the baby.  i try to relax and think all is well, but of course it's easier to say than do.  yesterday was one of those days.  i was waiting all day for movement.  the littlest movements would make my tension ease a little, but they were few and far between, until of course last night while i was trying to concentrate on my hypnobabies cd...and then the kid was going crazy!  today, it's my typical banshee baby.  as soon as i woke, this babe was twirling insi…

scratching my face off

my doc thinks i could have either 2 conditions...

1. contact dermatitis. which i'm usually not allergic to anything, but i guess in pregnancy, among many things, my body chemistry is all screwy which makes things that normally wouldn't bother me, bother me.

2. this is a hormonal rash. which if it's the case, i get to endure it for another 17 weeks.

she gave me hydrocortisone creme, which seems to take the itch away for a bit, but then it comes back and once again i want to scratch my face off. it doesn't seem to be getting any worse, yet to my utter disappointment, it's not getting any better either.
to top things off, we're leaving for florida on tuesday for a week. which i'm supra excited about, yet in the heat (it's going to be an average of the mid 70's) my rash may get worse..since pregnant women can get heat rashes too.

because of all of this in addition to steve's prediction and a gentle nudging for the past few weeks, i think i have t…

itches and scratches

i still have a sore throat.  nothing too bad...but scratchy and  plus, i woke tuesday with a small red itchy bump.  figuring i got bitten by a spider, i didn't think much about it.  now it's a larger spot on my chin and is traveling down my neck. super itchy.  i don't know what's going on, but lets just say that this pregnant chic isn't a happy camper at the moment!  
i think i'll pout for the day.


my throat hurts. argh.

naughty natalie

for lunch today, i went to subway...not too naughty, though instead of my light mayo, i got the full fat southwest sauce and then i saw the cookies. had to have one of 'em...and then i splurged and got a soda. i know i need to watch my sugar, but, man was that cookie yummy! i haven't had one in almost a year!

bad subway white chocolate macadamia cookie! bad!

oh, and while i'm talking about naughtiness...i finally broke down and went to qd to try their peppermint ice cream. i've had 2 people tell me how good it was. in fact one person said 'it's so good, it's gooey!'. well, after that, i drove right over. he was right. although it's loaded with the stuff we try to avoid, i scarfed it down with some chocolate sauce and oh, was it yummy. get while you can kids. it's seasonal.


stillbirth tax credit?

tiffany and i were talking after church saturday about having to do our taxes. she said that we can actually claim our babies on our taxes. which in a way makes me feel sad, but in another way, it makes me feel a little joy. not to put a price on my child’s life, but to me, it's a mere smidgen of recognition that i've been waiting for.

as i've mentioned before, mi is a state that doesn't recognize a stillborn child as a child. they won't give you an actual birth certificate, which doesn't add the child to any clinical data. which sucks seeing that 1 in every 115 deliveries is still. it's hard to describe the feeling of wanting the world to recognize your child. it's easy for the parents and anyone who has been personally affected by the loss to recognize the child as a child. but to others, all they see is a loss, a mishap, a ‘fetal demise’. in fact i think that's where so many of the comments like 'oh, don't worry, you'll have more chil…

good news

last tuesday morning, i was freaking out because i couldn't feel the babe move...

i've finally figured it out...and i truly hope that it lasts for years to come!!! i think this child is a late sleeper!

on days i don't work, i sleep until 8:30-9...and then i get up and eat breakfast and don't really think about not feeling movement because i'm up and around...when i work in hastings, i wake up @ 7 with steve but again, i'm getting ready for work and eating and running all around, so by the time i sit down, it's around well~ 9 in the car but 10 at work...the days i work in charlotte are the only days that i'm sitting behind my desk by 8:30. nothing is keeping my attention, but work emails, schedule making and feeling a lack of movement.

once again, today, i hadn't been feeling movement. i was sitting here in charlotte again, wondering why i haven't felt anything when i thought, well, when do i normally feel movement? and it hit me. 10am. here i…

choose your words wisely

once again my blood has boiled. in fact the phone conversation that racked me happened 30 minutes ago and my cheeks are still ablazin'. i'm ok., I’m not mad…I realize that people don't think before they talk...present company included! but man...

so, 30 minutes ago, a nurse called me from my obgyn office telling me that my doctor is going to be referring me to a perinatologist for a consult and ultrasound. this doctor would like me to get some blood work prior to the appointment...what the nurse said was 'dr. smith wants you to get some blood work prior to your consult because of your previous fetal demise'. this is was same nurse that mentioned my 'fetal demise' a few months ago.

a few months ago, i let it slide. today i didn't.
i immediately said, 'could you please not say that?'
the nurse said 'what?'
i said 'i know medically, that is what it's called, but it's not a nice term to hear'.
her response? 'oh, well, th…


i think it's really funny. our dr. always has a hard time finding our childs heartbeat, and then when she finds it, we usually only get to hear it for about 10 seconds or so because the child moves again. this little bundle, is a bundle of acrobatics! flipping and turning all day long. it's so funny...i have a feeling we're going to have a very active little newman.

we talked to the dr. today about the 3 or 4 D ultrasound too. she's going to talk to the dr. who she refers people to, to see if it would be beneficial. of course she would just send me to him to have the ultrasound, but i told her that i only wanted to have one if we could get a better look at the cord. although she doesn't think that we'd get a better look at the cord, she thinks that the dr. may be able to do some more measurements of the blood flow through the cord. i hate to have so many ultrasounds, since i've already had 2 and i'll probably have at lease 1 or 2 more, but i just…