Showing posts from August, 2008

memorial weekend fun?

steve, asher and i went to my in-laws sailing club yesterday for a picnic. when we got to the club, my in-laws had already spread the spread all over 2 tables. they had all this super yummy food plus burgers to grill. we put asher in his new swim diaper to see if he'd like a float in the water, which he didn't. i think it was too cold. so we swung a bit on the swings and let him feel the grass under his toes and then brought him back over to the group when all of a sudden a member came up to us to tell us a story.

she said that yesterday while at the club, her son came up to her to tell her there was a glassy eyed woman at the end of the dock that just seemed sad. they decided to leaver her alone even after hearing a scream before they left. the next morning, saturday, they came back to the club to see the woman's shoes still there. she decided to call the police. supposedly a women had walked away from her family the same day from a salvation army right next to th…

asher week 11 photo montage

my medicine chest

when asher got sick, many women told me to squirt some breast milk up his nose...i thought it sounded silly, but i did some research on it and it seems i've got 2 medicine cabinets located right on my torso! from pink eye to ear infections to scrapes, breast milk can be used to soothe and heal. if interested check out this article on or check out this page on more things you can do with breast milk.

the more research they do on the benefits of breast milk, the more amazing they find it to be. i think it's so cool that God gave us this amazingly cool ability to nourish our babies, let alone use it to heal ourselves and our children. so cool!

tears of joy

there are currently 2 books i cannot get through without crying, when i read them to asher.
on the night you were born, andgod gave us youi bawl throughout these books. i don't know if it's the hormones or what but it's getting ridiculous. of course i stop and compose myself so asher doesn't see my tears but i'm sure he can hear the reflection in my voice. they're tears of joy and appreciation that God blessed us with our amazing living son. but i still feel silly because it happens every time i read them. seriously, i have a problem.

asher and i just took a bath and we finished off with a few books...these 2 books. ugh...

if you haven't read them and you have children...they're really great books...well, in my opinion they are, even if i do cry through them.

biz idea

suzanne and i were talking earlier this week about baby carriers and how whenever we wear them, people ask us were they can get them. she suggested that i start an on-line biz to sell them, since no one in lansing currently sells them. my immediate thought was that it would be cool, but i didn't want to do it...but then i got to thinking...

here are my thoughts...

have a site...maybe to sell, initially baby carriers and a few other items. if things go well, i may add other items on the site like baby legs, diapers...but anyway...have:
baby carriers and other items...not sure what yet...maybe earth mama/angel baby productsJorai's corner: to house neo-natal death info, resources and memory items. babies on the block: to house local groups and on-line stores, maybe baby groups, local local folks can find local resources...ashers library: cool kids books...not the old standbys but the cool ones like the 3 questions, custard the dragon and the

my big boy

the past few days i've noticed a change in asher. he's growing up. he's starting to get really good at being alone. of course he still looks for us and wants us near, but he's starting to self soothe and he's ok playing with himself. i can even put him to sleep awake and he'll fall asleep on his own. when he wakes, he's content at just looking around at his surroundings. it's not an instant cry when he wakes. and if i need to do something, he;s fine playing alone on his activity mat or just sitting in his vibe chair. he laughs at things on his own. it's so cool

he's also starting to get mad if we're not paying attention to him when he wants to show us something...but as soon as we look his way, he's a bowl of laughs. it's like he's saying, 'hey guys!! check out what i can do!...hello..look over here please!'

i never knew that parenting would be so rewarding yet so guilt ridden as well... yesterday he had his first f…

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...beautiful boy

close your eyes,
have no fear
the monsters gone,
he's on the run and your mama's here,

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy

before you go to sleep,
say a little prayer,
every day in every way,
it's getting better and better,

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy

out on the ocean sailing away,
i can hardly wait,
to see you to come of age,
but I guess we'll both,
just have to be patient,
yes it's a long way to go,
but in the meantime,

before you cross the street,
take my hand,
life is just what happens to you,
while your busy making other plans,

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy,
darling,darling,darling asher.

adapted from beautiful boy (darling boy) by john lennon


my son has been sleeping in his crib for 2 hours now! 2 HOURS! his normal naps are usually 30 minutes, an hour if i'm lucky. never 2 hours! wow...i'm amazed...the problem is that i'm about to explode! so do i wake him? or let him sleep?

i'll give him another 20 minutes or so...

2 HOURS!!! wowza! maybe moving him to his crib is a good thing...


all last week, asher was sleeping so well. he would wake twice a night after sleeping 3-4 hours. it was wonderful. i felt as if i were normal. i had energy and my eyes didn't feel ready to bug out of my head. it as lovely.

then sunday hit. he pulled a 3 hour stint, then 2, then 1. he woke at 12, then 2 and then 3. he was up from 3-5ish when steve finally took him. which i felt bad about since he had to work, but i was at my 'i'm losing it' stage. completely knackered. i couldn't function. i was at the crying phase and just broken. but when steve took him i was able to sleep from 5-7:30, that saved me. it's hard when i get to the 'i'm losing it' phase...i start questioning my ability to parent. which i know is wrong. i know i'm a good mama...but in the moment, i feel as if i'm the worst mama in the world. i can't even get my sleepy child to sleep.

last night he pulled a 3 hour stint then a 2hour 40min stint and then a hour …

Asher week 10

the one draw back to raising a chunk

are all the rolls. which i love. i love seeing my son gain new rolls. they're so cute. he's such a brut...but lately i've been smelling a bit of a stench coming from his way. i thought it was his cheek and neck from where milk and spit-up dries and starts to i washed them really well...or so i thought.

he has like 4 chins right now and tons of little neck rolls and since he doesn't stretch out his neck for me to wash it well, i guess gunk gets in there and starts stinking up my lovely lil' boy. i saw some white crusties in there today and it was rank! ugh. gross... later as he was practicing standing, he rose his neck and lifted all his rolls only to show me a pile of white crust lining the last roll. super gross!

so how do i clean his little neck without strangling him? i need to find a way, because it doesn't smell very nice and i miss my sweet smelling boy!

i do love all his little rolls though. he's just so darn cute.



little miss Jorai

i've been thinking lately about how i can include Jorai on our birthday, Christmas, thank you cards...when you have a family, most cards are from the whole family, but how do you include a child that's no longer living? how do i include and honor a child i love so much, without making people sad or uncomfortable? before asher, i didn't feel the need to include her name, but since we now include asher on our correspondence, i feel like we're ignoring our sweet Jorai Mae. like she's not a part of our family. and that makes me sad.

i'm thinking of including a small heart before ashers name. something that i'll know what it means, but others may just think it's a heart. just something small to recognize Jorai's life. to recognize her as still being a part of our family, as a big sister and daughter who's dearly loved and missed.

i know it may sound silly, but to me, it's just another way to keep Jorai alive in our hea…

an outing

i led girls only last night. usually i bring asher with me to the meeting, but since i gave the message, i didn't want to be taking care of him and concentrating on my message at the same time. so i left him home with steve. for 2 1/2 hours. alone. no mama.

this was the first extended time i've left him. it was hard at first...and then it was ok. he was fine of course. it was wonderful to get home and nurse him though. not only to relieve the tata pressure, but also just to have the closeness with my son.

i can't completely describe the joy of breast feeding. the bond you create with your child, the closeness. i just love it. i love the fact that he wants my undivided attention. i love hearing his little grunts and swallows. i love that he sticks his hand down my cleavage or places an open hand on my chest or throat and he wraps his other hand around my ribcage as if holding on for dear life. i love the way his breath smells as he nuzzles into my neck when …

my hood smells like crap

there are no farms close by, but the air outside smells like cow crap. it sucks. i want to open the windows, but all i smell is crap. it's quite yucky.

barb byrum

barb byrum came to my house today. i'm not sure what she really wanted. she asked me about asher and if he had any other siblings...we talked about children and said if i ever needed anything to send her an email. i said 'you can do something about stillbirth.' i started telling her how there isn't any legislation for stillbirth in michigan. that we don't get official birth certificates and because of that our babies statistics are never sent to medical studies, there is no research nor studies regarding stillbirths. she said that she does a lot for sids, but doesn't do much for stillbirth. i forgot to tell her that there are around 30,000 stillbirths in the US every year, a rate 7-15 times the sids rate. i think i'll email her about that.


in the mail today was an offer made out to my husband from playboy offering him 12 issues for $ a free nude celebrities dvd. the bastards.

sorry. but i hate porn. i loathe it. it hasn't creeped into our marriage, only by the grace of God, but it has affected us both prior to marriage.

i know some people think that a little ounce of porn is innocent, that it might even spice up your marriage. i believe it's one of the many pitfalls a marriage can fall into, crumbling it to pieces.

and now i have playboy knocking on my marriage bedroom door?!? the offer has 5 pictures of huge breasted, scantily clad sex kittens on it. so even if steve saw it and threw it away, he would have gotten a great viewing. i don't know why this makes me so mad...maybe it's because we've already fought these demons, so to see them try to enter our marriage frustrates me...maybe it's knowing that these women are being taken advantage of, that they were probably hurt by some…

an end to this day

steve is finally home. i was starting to go wacky. i love my son and i'm so glad i stay home with him, but there are times i want to lock myself in the bathroom and turn on the shower so i don't hear him cry. and he's a great baby! but on a day like today with very little sleep and him nursing every hour and a half or so, i'm was starting to lose it.

it's been one of those days where i never got dressed, until i broke down to take him on a walk, i brushed my hair but it still looks like butt, my teeth are nasty, every time i got the chance to make something to eat by the time it was done, asher was wailing, i'm exhausted, emotional and wanting some adult interaction but was too exhausted to leave the house. in fact right before steve came home someone rang the doorbell and i got so excited because i thought it might be a friend or neighbor, but it was some holt football player trying to sell me something to raise money. what a bummer!

but now steve's ho…

a cautionary tale

tonight, while trying to appease my extremely fussy son, i took him on a walk. which be glad that you didn't run into me since i look like death with the now mere 4 hours of sleep i've attained today, but who's counting..on said walk a little girl on a bike yelled a happy little hello in my direction. i noticed that this little girl was riding her bike in a wet bathing suit and immediately, my memories were filled with a warm summer night when my family took a bike ride down in the flats of big rapids.

thankfully the flats, which was a neighborhood in the lower area, near the river, was close to the hospital, because not unlike the little girl tonight, i was riding my bike in a wet bathing suit. i was up ahead and was turning my head around to laugh at my family when i fell off. i was 7ish. let's just say the wet lycra and the plastic seat didn't mix well as one butt cheek flew off the seat while the other one was cemented to the plastic banana seat. in medica…

rolling with the punches, but still bummed

today is riv's strategic planning retreat day. it's the one day each year that all of the staff and ministry leaders spend the day together. it's my first year going and i was super stoked about it. i made sure everything was ready last night so all i had to do was get dressed, eat, nurse asher and get out the door. i had the stroller in the car, the diaper bag packed, both mine and asher's outfit ready...and then some thing came over my son and he decided to stay up all night.

he went to bed early and i was so excited. he fell asleep on the papasan around 9. at 10:30, steve and i brought him upstairs and he immediately woke up. so i nursed him and he fell back asleep by 11. he woke back up at 12. i nursed him and he fell back asleep only to wake back up at 2 where he decided to stay up until 5:30ish. i brought up the vibe chair and put him in that...i'm not sure if he fell asleep or i just blocked him out until 6:!5, but i was able to get about 30 minute…

steve's blog

steve just posted this on his blog and i loved it so much i had to post it here too...enjoy

Lately I've been noticing how intense Asher's focus is on me. His world is completely Kim's and my world. On a few occasions his focus on me has been mesmerizing. I feel frozen. It's like he is peering into my soul. Maybe babies can do that because they don't have all the crap from this world clouding their mind. They are pure from the factory, nothing has corrupted them yet. They are functioning at a spiritual level that can never again be reached. Maybe in those times of my frozen state it's because deep down I feel Asher can somehow see my total being. And just like Adam and Eve all I want to do is run and hide. I only want him to know the good part of my world.

Asher week 9

it's official

my son has his first cold. poor little guy. still no fever and the doc doesn't think he'll get one. just the run of the mill cold. sounds worse than it is. though by the end of the visit, he did produce some lovely mucus poo and threw up mucus milk all over me. i'm glad he did it there so it didn't freak me out. if i would have seen all the mucus in his diaper or had he puked on me at home, i think i would have freaked out. i just feel so bad for the lil' bloke. his eyes are red, he's got boogers cloggin' his nose all up and he keeps chocking on the phlegm. poor little guy. all sneezy and coughy and boogery.

i got some saline drops for his nose and i'll try to snork some more boogers out with the nose snorker, but he hates i would too...i do think he feels better after i snork him, but it's not a pretty process.

other than his sickies right now...his official weight is...drum roll please...

14 lbs 9 oz. which i think he's a bit …

charging elephants

my little boy has the crud. not sure what it is but luckily we already had his next checkup scheduled for today. he's all congested..only in his nose and throat. i don't hear rattling in his chest. thanks goodness! he hasn't had a fever and for the most part, he's acting pretty normal. laughing and such, but then he coughs or sneezes and it sounds like he has elephants stuffed up his little nose. he's not nursing well either. he'll only nurse on one side but he doesn't empty the breast. i pumped 3 oz off on side and an once off the other this morning after he nursed. poor little pumpkin.

of course i got very little sleep last night worrying about him. making sure he was breathing and such. i hope he gets over this quickly. it breaks my heart to see him sick.

i have a bit of a sore throat too...this is the first cold i've had since january 07 when i was preggers with Jorai. ugh!

our appointment is at 1:30...i'll let ya know what's up…

documentary night

i'm not sure how to take this movie...what would jesus buy is listed under 'docu-comedy'...i know the reverend is serious...i think...and i think it may bring our over commercialism into the light a bit, but the guy seems to be a bit of a whack that me judging him? guess if i have to ask that question, then i am...but why don't ya come on over to the newmans house this saturday at 9pm to watch this film...i think it'll stir up some great conversation to say the least.

as always, popcorn and drinks provided. bring snacks if you wish. asher and i may not be participating as we're trying to work out his bedtime routine and time...but come keep steve company!

here's the trailer. the film was produced by morganspurlock...the same guy that did super size me.

and remember, we don't support all the ideals of the documentaries we show. so don't think we're losing our minds after watching this! it's kinda scary that i even have to prefac…

week 8 photo montage


**noise:my sleepy babe, snoring

tuesday night was a rough one for me...i would say it was rough on asher too, but i think he was fine. he was awake and happy and enjoying ripping the silence out of the night air. i would have been really frustrated if his little smiling face wasn't so darn cute. i truly believe that's why God makes babies so cute. how can you get mad at a face like that, smiling up at you? he got up twice to nurse between 10 and 2 and was then up from 4-6am. (it didn't help that i feel asleep nursing him at 2:30ish). he then fell asleep for a bit at 6ish and then got back up.

needless to say, i was a bit wrecked. i napped in the morning when asher fell asleep, but i was still cattywhompas for the day. seeing everything through a hazy fog...steve felt my frustration when i took ash downstairs at 4am...after already being up with him twice for feedings...and i think he could see the haze in my eyes when he came downstairs at 7:20...

when …

ipod woes

my ipod crashed. sadness. i've tried to restore it...nothing. it's totally corrupted. kaput. dead. silent. i'm sad.

so i'm looking for another mp3 player. i don't think i can justify purchasing another ipod right now. with me at home, we've had to redefine our expenses. which is normally fine and dandy, but on days like this, it's a bummer. i had just put a whole bunch of music on there for asher too, so when we're in the car and he's fussy, i have something other than npr to get him to sleep.

if you happen to have one you're thinking about getting rid of, let me know what you want for it. i'll probably buy one used or refurb...but i have to say...i'll miss my old school ipod. it was the first gen. one. all big and phat.

such a bummer.

the poop song?

asher and i went to the library today to pick up a few cd's. i decided to look through the lullaby and children's albums. i actually found a few cool of radio head and another of smashing pumpkin songs turned into lullabies and a few called for the kids. there are 3. on the 3rd. there are songs by the great lake swimmers, anathallo (crazy huh?), barenaked ladies...and one of my fav bands, over the rhine. though the over the rhine song, kinda creeps me out. it's called the poopsmith song. here are the can here a snippet on itunes here
Not on your arm
Not on your leg
Not in the toast
Not in the eggs
Not on the carpet
Nor the linoleum
Just how'd your little brother get it smeared all over him

Poop in the potty, poop goes in the potty

Not on your brother
not on your sis
not on any family member, you might wanna make a list

not on the plants
not in your hair
not on the porch
no, we do not want to share

Poop in the potty, poop goes in the potty

Not on the …


i've started to attend birth center classes...which i highly recommend. i've been going to the leleche league meeting but then this week i went to the baby wearing meeting and today i went to the new mom meeting. at the new mom's meeting, i can't tell you how many mom's talked about wanting just a few hours each week for themselves and how hard it's been trying to figure out their days, like when and how t making meals, do the laundry, sleep...and how challenging it is to try and find the time to simply do the necessities like shower and brush your teeth.

thank you!!! at times i was starting to feel like a wimp. as if i'm just not good at this at-home mama thing!! i love it, don't get me wrong, i wouldn't want it any other way, but it's hard. a lot harder than i ever thought. one of the girls said to me how no one told her how hard staying at home would be. how demanding it is. and i totally agree. in fact people would ask me if i'd …