should pregnant women really be allowed to drive?

31 March 2008

not that i'm trying to have my rights taken away, but i've really been thinking about this lately. within the past 3 weeks or so, my range of movement has vastly decreased. with my girth and the child's length and mass growing at an ever increasing rate, i'm finding it more and more difficult to twist. which is normally ok, but when you have to check for blind spots or back out of a parking spot without hitting a car or person, it's hard. i do my best, but the more i twist, the more i feel pressure from within and my torso just stops.

i'm assuming this will only be getting more and more difficult as june approaches, so again i pose the question, should i be driving? i'm being careful, but i don't want to run anyone over either!

as a precaution, if you see me pulling out of a parking space...ya may want to steer clear of me!

house wife

this marks my 1st official day of a non-working woman. a house wife...soon to be an at home mom. it's an exciting time, but it feels strange too. i don't have a little one to take care of yet. i have one to get ready for, but i don't feel the nesting thing yet, so the drive isn't there to 'prepare'. steve told me last night how jealous he was that i get to stay at home now. that made me sad. i wish there was a way that i could work full time these next few months and he could stay at home...but there isn't. i wish he loved his job and looked forward to it. but for the most part, he doesn't. but who does...

last night i had almost a panic attack. i couldn't settle down, i kept thinking about work and my boss and all the things i wanted to say but didn't. it was 4am. i couldn't fall back asleep until 6. it was silly and horrible. my mind just wouldn't turn off. that part of my life is over. i don't have to deal with it any longer. i don't agree with how i and many others have been treated, but it's done. why was i thinking about it?

why was i thinking about what i should have told my boss? why would i waste more of my time with someone who obviously doesn't care or would even take anything i have to say to heart? it's just so silly. i chose to stay quiet for a reason. i chose to keep my words hidden within my mouth. and i know i made the right decision. so why was i all in worry last night about it? so silly...

so what do i do with my new found time? how do i use it properly? today, i ordered our cable and ate breakfast and blogged...later i have to run to riv and target...maybe lowes...tomorrow is crammed full with dr. appointments and co-op orders and wednesday i can work on ministry stuff...i want to make sure i keep busy. i want to keep busy so my husband doesn't get too jealous. i don't want him to think i'm sitting around watching soaps and eating bon bons...which sound kinda yummy actually! i want to paint, but i know i shouldn't. i still have the master bathroom and bedrom to paint.

i think i need to make myself a project list. to think that we may have a babe in this house within 2 months is crazy! i need to use this time well!

tomorrow i have an ultrasound. i'll post pics if there are any good ones!

tv junkie

we've broken down. we're getting dish network. after 4-5 years of no cable, with the exception of our basic 10 channel cable (with the addition of 10 local channels), we're caving in. it was never a 'i'm too good for tv' thing. it was a kim is a penny pincher thing and is way too cheap to waste money thing. i always wanted more channels, although i do have a problem with tv addiction! i just never wanted to pay for it. well, here's the skinny...

we have comcast for our basic cable and internet. and i hate it. the cable comes in and out in flashes and the internet is just too expensive i think...then, last fall we started talking about dvr's and how cool they are...well, to save money we bought an old tivo on ebay that works w/o service...but when we use it, it disables our bleed through tlc channel. so that was a bust, seeing i watch tlc almost exclusively.

to top it off, steve has had this christian broadcasting satellite service for 4-5 years called sky angel. sky angel works through dish network, though the dish needs to be angled a different way...they have recently decided to televise only on-line now and so they have offered us a deal...we have to sign a 24-month agreement, but in doing so we save $170.00. we'll get the top 100 channels, a dvr and local channels for $38/ we get 3 months free and free installation, activation and equipment.

i think the plan is to obviously cancel our comcast basic cable package, and possibly our internet. we're either going to pay our neighbor $10/month to use his internet, or go with at&t. so in the long run, we're only paying a little more if we have internet through at&t or less if we go through the neighbor.

i think i'm more excited about the dvr than the channels. although we will have animal planet and that makes me happy...i just wish we also had discovery health and fit tv. oh well, we'll have the documentary channel! that might be cool...we'll see. it get's installed on wednesday.

now all we need is that wii! not that we'll have time to play in a few months...

grief, loss and blessings

30 March 2008


i've been thinking a lot lately about pain. why people have to go through so much, why some go through so little. i look at the pain steve and i have traveled through this past year, how we're still traveling through it, and though at times it's all consuming to us, in the broad scope of things, it's so minuscule to what others have faced.

my dear friend lost her baby boy when he was only 3 days old and since losing him, has gone through some miscarriages. she's so strong, so positive. in fact, she seems to be the strongest woman i know with a faith and positive attitude that shines on everyone around. yet this latest loss has taken an effect on her that's hard for me to see. i feel her pain like no other. i sense her, crumbling in a way. as i used to feel crumbled. her pain crushes me.

i was talking to a woman at church a few weeks ago about my pregnancy and losing Jorai and she told me that she too lost a child in late term and since then she lost multiple babies through miscarriage. i can't remember the number but it was over 10. she lost over 11 babies. she was never able to carry to term. her husband and her never became parents.

these are just 2 stories. after going through our loss and doing research and getting on message boards, i hear the stories, i feel the pain, i am consumed with the feeling of being crumbled all over again. i look at the pictures of those children who came too early and lost their lives. their faces haunt me. though i continue to look at them because i want to recognize them. i want to honor their short lives, but it hurts. their faces are burned into my soul.

why are these children being taken from families. families that want children. families that have planned for and saved for and gone through fertility treatments and are aching to be parents...why are women losing their babes time after time again? i just don't understand, can't comprehend this and i know i won't ever know until i'm able to ask God. and i know that it's all in His greater plan. i can wrap my mind around that...but i can't wrap my mind around the pain. i can't understand how He allows children and/or abusive women to have children while He continues to take away the babes of loving couples who just desperately want to love and support and give to a child. i don't understand why He gives some people so much pain in life.

this has been heavy on my heart this week. this pain. the pain that so many women face every day. to think that over 70 families will deliver a stillborn child today rips at my heart. and 10-15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage...10-15%! why does this happen? why is it so easy for some to get pregnant and deliver healthy babies while it's so excruciatingly difficult and painful for others?

i feel more and more blessed as each day passes and i continue to feel our baby grow and thrive within me. when we get to look into our newborn baby's eyes, i'll think about this and how blessed we are. i'll think about our daughter Jorai and how she would have loved to have a sibling, but never got that chance. i'll think of my friends children who never survived and all the parents out there trying over and over again to conceive and carry a child to term.

my heart will ache for all those who have lost a child and my soul will jump for my joy, the moment i first look into my child's beautiful eyes. i think this is so important...remember the pain you've traveled through, that other's have traveled through and be blessed with all you have and are given. life is so precious.

so precious.

um, did i really just win this?

26 March 2008

a few months ago, while i was reading my fit pregnancy mag, i saw an ad to sign up to win a natural crib mattress...seeing i never win anything, i signed up already knowing i wouldn't i got am email from said magazine telling me i won this...which values at $375! i want to believe it...but i'm a bit skeptical.

i have to wait for some paperwork to sign and then when they get it back, they're going to send me the mattress...we'll see where this all ends, but we may just have scored a super sweet mattress!! maybe now, i can find a giveaway for some cloth diapers!

too funny! i'm shocked...i truly hope this isn't a scam or something!! shock here...i need a moment!

to help or not to help

have you ever tried to help someone only to walk away hurt, wondering what you did wrong?  

i like to help.  that's one of my things.  i've always wanted to be 'there' if someone needs me.  but some days, in those 'helping' times, i feel as if i'm not helping.  sometimes it's not until later, where i realize that maybe i didn't help.  and in those times, i feel like shit. is it me?  have i done or said something wrong?  or is it the person who is so blind to their pain and sin that all their fingers are pointed towards others, instead of themselves?

these situations, the times where i feel guilty for trying to help someone,  make me gun shy. it makes me not want to help.  it toys with my already low self esteem.  it makes me think that i'm only harming and not helping.  it makes me want to run back into my cave and stop reaching out.  and i know that's wrong.  

we're all just so broken.  people manipulate and try to control situations.  we're selfish.  and some people will do anything and hurt anyone to make themselves feel better.  it's situations like this that hurt me.  

i try to have grace with people.  with all people.  i try to see them through the eyes of Christ.  which i fail miserably at, yet i still try.  and if i reach out to those how are hurting, and get slapped in the face with guilt and hurt, how do i continue?  how do i find the strength to stand back up and help the next person.  how do i continue to see them through the eyes of Christ when all i see is how they treated me?  how do i let go of the extra slab of insecurity this horrible encounter just made and find the strength to push on, when all i want to do is give up.  

it makes me realize how much easier it would be to throw my faith away and follow all of my own wants and desires rather than God's.  if i could just spit in the face of all those who have hurt me instead of turning my cheek, it would be a lot easier...but how would that feel in the end?  i get hurt living my life for Christ, but the thing i have is Him.  His love, His grace, His strength, His forgiveness.  i have Jesus. it may be a harder life to live, but it's so much more satisfying.  it's so much fuller and bright. 

so yeah, i guess, bring it on, all you people out there that need to trample me.  that need to push me down in order to make yourselves feel better or maybe just to hide behind your own hurt.  because as much as there are times where i want to give up, i'm stubborn as hell.   and i'm living for something much more greater than me.  and though, i may be this hurt little girl inside who can barely get the words out at times, i'm still the one who's standing here, waiting to help, just as Someone was once waiting for me. 


25 March 2008

back in the day, steve was addicted to a show.  i've heard about this show for years now.  how good it was, how much i missed out...well, i found it at cadl and rented the first season.  the show?  roswell...

i'm on episode 7 and now, i'm addicted.  the funny thing is, how ever silly it sounds, i kinda feel like steve and i just got a little bit closer.  i know it sounds stupid, but there was always this one thing, that he talked about, that i never understood.  and yeah, it was some silly high-school alien show, but it was still something i couldn't relate to.  i'm being silly i know, but it's still kinda cool to have that now...that connection to just another thing. 

i'm such a girl.

29 weeks 1 day


but who's counting...

the babe is starting to run out of room.  i can tell kix is outgrowing his/her home within me.  i feel tight and huge.  my belly is harder than normal and it more dense, if that makes sense.  i didn't have this feeling with Jorai.  i'm sure there will be a lot of these new feelings in the coming weeks.  when i bend over, i feel stuck, as if i can't bend that way anymore.  as if the baby is getting stuck and i have to stop and rearrange before proceeding. i feel the baby in my ribs all the time now.  it's crazy! i wonder what's awaiting me in the coming weeks!!  

when the babe moves it's no longer little jobs and kicks.  it's more slow turns and butt protrusions.  it's a cool new feeling.  i can actually feel baby parts for long moments.  it's fun to try to figure out what i'm feeling. and i'm probably calling his butt his head and vice versa, but it's still fun.  when i talk to the baby, sometimes he/she responds with movement.  it's so cool.  

i can't wait to meet this little person.  this little version of my husband and i.  i still find it amazing...that this child growing within me, came from a piece of me, a piece of steve and the grace of God. it truly is a miracle.  i truly feel blessed. 

i can't comprehend how much i'll love this child after the birth...i already love kix so much, with so much of my being.  i feel connected in a way that can only be described as the word mother...yet, i've never even met or held this child.  how much love can one person feel?  how much more love can one possess for someone so tiny, so new...we truly have been given  gift.  a second gift. love is a crazy thing.  it's all consuming.  like fire.  

spinet piano

22 March 2008

we scored a free baldwin spinet piano today!  i've been searching for one that i/we could afford for about 4 years.  i found a free baby grand piano a few years ago, but seeing that it would take up the entire living room, we thought it'd be best to now, we got exactly what we want...and it's free!  now i just need to learn how to play the thing!!  oh, and we have to move it!  oye!!

sunny snow

i have a sneaky suspicion that the birds outside are pissed.  i keep hearing their doesn't sound like much of a happy song.  poor little birds.  coming back home for the spring of michigan only to wake to a winter wonderland.  it makes me want to go build them a sweat lodge to wait for the warmth of spring to come again.  

at least the sun breaks through the chill of snow.

showering together while pregnant

21 March 2008

is not recommended unless you have a 2 person shower or are extremely little.

steve and i like to conserve water! what can i say?!? but this is getting more and more difficult. we haven't showered together in a few weeks so last night it was a bit of a surprised when i almost fell out when we were swapping positions. as we were trying to slide past one another for the opposite side of the shower, my bulging tummy kinda got in the way...and with the slipperiness of our bodies and all...i was almost pushed right outta the tub! oh my!! it was very scary...i think showering together may have to stop for the next few's just too scary!

bummer...maybe we just need a bigger shower!


there are a lot of times where i don't feel the baby move, but i can see my belly ungulate or if my hand is resting on my belly, i can feel it. but i don't feel it from the inside...does that make sense? if i can see it, shouldn't i be able to feel the baby move inside? i find this bizarre. i was just standing with some co-workers when all of a sudden they started exclaiming 'the babies moving!'. i hadn't felt anything but as soon as i looked down, i saw the undulation. i just find this so strange. why aren't i feeling all the movement.

now that i look back, it kinda makes sense. there have been so many days where i haven't felt a crazy amount of movement. but as soon as i sit down and try to really feel for the movements, there's tons. maybe i'm just not in tune with my belly as much as i thought. this is very interesting...

Jesus glasses

20 March 2008

i am so thankful to have a Jesus sticker on the back hatch of my car.  simply having that sticker has stopped me from going berserk at someone time after time, while driving. the last thing i'd want is to act like a fool and make a scene and know that everyone has now looked at my actions and related them to Christ. 

today as i was driving in construction there were people driving up the left hand lane even when they knew it was closed.  they knew they needed to get over, but as the fast paced, non-patient people that we are, people just can't help themselves.  i was really starting to get pissed.  here i was waiting and getting backed up because of all these people trying to drive fast up to the point where they had to get over.  i wanted to ride the middle line so no one could pass me.  i was so close to it.  but every time i looked in my rear view mirror and saw someone closing in on me, i also saw Jesus.

i don't know why it's easier to control myself in my car...i need to find a way to remember that i'm representing Christ in all areas of my life.  in all relationships and in all circumstances.  i think what it is about my car is i'm usually looking our my rear view mirror at the idiot riding me or at the person i just passed because they were driving like a crazy...and what do i see through my rear view mirror?  Jesus.  i see Jesus as i'm looking at the person behind me.  in a way, i see the person through Jesus's i let it go.  

i think i need to invent glasses that have Jesus etched into the lenses, so every person i see or talk to, i see through the face of Jesus.  maybe then i wouldn't act like such a jerk and drag His name through the mud.  just an idea...

are there feet in my ribs?

for the past few days i keep feeling pressure under my ribs at time's. it comes and goes but i usually feel it when i'm bent over or slouched. all of a sudden i feel as if something or someone has migrated and wedged themselves under my right rib cage. as soon as i elongate my torso the feeling leaves and then a moment later i feel a swoosh in my tummy. i have a sneaky suspicion that this child will be a very long child. and i have a sneaky suspicion that these last few weeks may become pretty uncomfortable soon...i can tell that this child is larger than Jorai was at 28 weeks. i never felt this full and tight and i never felt anything in my ribs. oye. i'm loving every minute. even the heartburn and pelvis pain. nothing can take away the joy that i have a healthy child within me again and a renewed hope that i may one day get to hold a warm, screaming baby and watch my husband change his first ever diaper!

dinner and dreams

dinner was amazing last night.  the only thing that would have made it better was if we could have shared a bottle of wine.  alas, maybe in a few months...steve had the chippino and i had a shrimp, scallop and potato dish with an amazing mushroom sauce  super yummy.  we just sat there and talked and enjoyed the meal slowly.  it was romantic and nice.  we need to do that more often.

when we got home we started the movie southland tales.  something steve has been waiting for...i lasted 30 minutes and then couldn't stand any more.  it was trash.  so i went up to bed.  i had been super tired all day anyway because the night before i didn't get much sleep.

although i had a great night of sleep, i also had 2 crappy where steve told me that he didn't think he wanted to be married to me any longer and another where he told me that he had an affair. i hate those dreams!  i know they're common in pregnancy but they suck!  ugh.

upcoming doctor visits

19 March 2008


it looks like me and the babe will be put through a battery of tests in the remaining 11 weeks.  which is good.  they'll all be precautionary, nothing invasive but i'll be spending a lot more time at the dr's office!  here's my schedule:

in 2 weeks i have a non-stress test (nst) which tracks the baby's heart beat and movements and my uterine contractions for about 20-30 minutes.  the cool thing about this is, unless something crazy, like another aneurysm happens, it can predict that the baby will stay healthy for a week-10 days. i'll also have an ultrasound to track the baby's growth and my normal ob appointment
2 weeks after that i have an ob visit and another nst
then i go to weekly appointments of:
nst, ob visit and ultrasound
nst and ob visit
nst and ob appointment
nst, ob visit and ultrasound
nst and ob visit 
nst and ob visit...this will be on my due date..hopefully i'll already have had kix by then!

i had my first nst today.  kix was pissed.  the tech had to push down on the monitor to keep the heartbeat and because of that the kiddo kept kicking and punching the monitor.  it was hilarious.  you could hear the heartbeat for a bit and then you'd just hear this bang from some body part.  i think kix may be a boxer some day! i kept laughing.  the babe does that to me too when i respond to his kicking.  when i feel a movement, i rub or push in on the spot where he just kicked.  most times, he pushes back at me.  i love it.  i feel like we're playing a game.  

the dr. is ok with me not taking the glucose tolerance test.  instead i'm going to have a 2-hr test.  i get my blood drawn before breakfast and then i leave, eat breakfast and come back in 2 hours to see how my body's reacting to the meal.  i like this test much better.  i just can't wrap my mind around downing a whole bunch of sugar in 5 minutes to see how my body reacts to it.  when do i ever down that much sugar?  

so yea, all is well.  kix is as lively as ever.  heart beat in the upper 140's, very active.  i like that.  oh, and i've finally decided that i want to splurge on or make...if the husband ok's it...this
steve and i are off to our 28 week celebratory/remembrance dinner.  we're going to mitchell's fish market!  yum!

baby clothes

18 March 2008


i was going through Jorai's clothes today to see what we could use for this baby.  seeing that Jorai was due in late august and this child is due in early june, i'm afraid that i may need to go out and do a bit of shopping!  we have so many nice warm outfits but i think they may never fit kix.  some might, but most, unless we have an extremely cold fall, i'm thinking will never fit this child.  which is fine.  i'll save them for the next.  

i'm glad we're waiting for find out the sex of our child.  there are so few surprises anymore and really, does it really matter as long as they come a screaming into this world?  but a part of me really wants to know.  i'm so 50/50 on the sex it's frustrating.  steve and i were so sure Jorai was a girl.  when i do look for clothes, i see all these cute frilly girlie clothes, or cool sportin' boy clothes...and i always have to go with the gender neutral yellow or sage. this child's closet is full of yellow and sage!  poor thing!  maybe i'll just wait to go shopping until after the child is born.  

right now i think i need to focus on getting some bum genius, kissavluvs, and pre-fold diapers and a sling.  oh yea...and a xb!

baby kix video


i think i may try tonight to capture kix moving around within me.  we never tried to get Jorai on video and i wish we had.  i remember how excited steve and i were to feel her move within me.  and more, i remember the stillness of my belly after she was gone.  it was gut wrenching.  i wish i had video of her alive and healthy within me.

not that i plan on losing this child!  but it's just another memory i want to create.  i always love seeing video of pregnant belly's moving.  i can sit and watch my own for hours.  the miracle of a child growing within a person is amazing to me.  i still can't grasp the power of God to create such a life within me.  it's truly amazing.  

and really, i think i need proof that this child is a wild child!  some times i wonder if people believe me that kix is such a mover and we'll see if i can capture something. stay tuned...

baby kicks


kix was pretty quiet yesterday at work.  all day i kept really trying to feel movement, but most of the time my belly was still.  it was starting to make me nervous.  i was thinking about running into the er for an ultrasound.  but then i came home and ate dinner.  with the massive cancer sore i have on the side of my tongue, there's not much i can i had a bowl of yogurt w/ granola and 2 blueberry muffins.  after i ate, i laid down and started counting kicks.  as usual, kix produced 10 movements in under 15 minutes.  all night kix was active and this morning as i type, i feel swirl after swirl.  

sometimes i wonder if my child has outgrown their surroundings and so he can't move as much as he wants.  and then all it takes is for my skin to stretch or my uterus or whatever to grow for him to get his move on.  all i know is kix was pretty quiet yesterday and today is swirling around like a banshee.  crazy kix.  i can't wait to meet you!  are you really going to be as crazy as your movements make you out to be?   this will be a very interesting journey!


17 March 2008

many people ask me what i've been craving, and i really don't have an answer. there are days where someone will mention a food that i then must have, but craving something in general i've never been able to pinpoint...until just now.  here it is, 7:40pm and the thing that sounds most yummy to me is blueberry muffins.  so what am i about to do?  yup. make homemade blueberry muffins.  ridiculous...

in the mornings, my breakfast is blueberry waffles or pancakes...always with the blueberries.  so i guess, the thing i crave most is blueberries.  strange.  i thought i'd crave sweets or salts or something strange or bad for me...but instead i crave blueberries.  

for some reason, this doesn't surprise me.  maybe in a few weeks it'll be blueberries and pickles.  now that would be a story!



i just got off the phone with a lady from a very prominent non-profit organization. she was asking me to participate in an upcoming fund-raiser, which i can't she was just chit chatting with me. after me telling her that i was 7 months pregnant, she asked asked if this was my first. this is the second time i've been asked this question this morning! my response was no, that we had lost a daughter in june. her response? 'so technically, this is your first child then.'. i let it go, but immediately shut down to her and quickly got off the phone. what i wanted to say was...! technically, it's our second. we currently have a child and are pregnant with our second. our daughter's name was Jorai Mae. She was 28 weeks, 4 days old when we delivered her. She was beautiful and although she's not physically with us now, she's in our hearts and thoughts daily.
please, please, please...if you know someone who has lost a child, at any age, remember that child, don't act or talk as if the child never existed. that child did exist. and that child will continue to exist with every breath taken of the people the child had touched.

28 weeks


so, we're here. 28 weeks. in 3 days i'll be right where was when i stopped feeling movement. in four days we'll be at the same point when we found out that we had lost our little girl. what's interesting is that during my last 28th week, i had to get my blood drawn on a monday which is exactly where i was today at 9am, getting my blood drawn. then it was on wednesday i had my last dr's appointment where we heard her little heart beating for the last time. i have a dr's appointment this wednesday too. weird.

i have a feeling that this weekend will be pretty hard for me. i have a feeling that i'm really going to be conscious about the baby's movement. it was on a saturday that we made the dreaded drive to the er. i was bawling the entire time. this saturday afternoon may be really hard for me.

steve and i are going out to dinner on tuesday to celebrate the 28th week milestone. it was our dr's suggestion. as part a remembrance and another part a celebration. we've made it. but, for me, we haven't made it through yet. it's silly really. this mark i have in my head. as if something was going to happen it would be at the same time as last. silly. it could happen all the way up to delivery really, and i know that. but there's something about the 28th week mark. will i feel better next monday when we're 29 weeks? or am i just setting myself up for disappointment?

we've hit the 3rd trimester. we're in the last leg. i remember last may how excited i was to hit the 3rd trimester and see the end. we were so excited. so scared! but so excited. and i'm excited again. i'm excited for my baby's birth. i'm excited to watch this child of ours grow and learn and teach us! but there's 12 more weeks of waiting left. there's 12 more weeks of possible cord accidents. 12 more weeks of checking for blood and waiting for kicks and just plain apprehension.

i want to be excited. only excited. as i was last time. ignorant to the statistics. ignorant to the pain. blind to the tears and sorrow. i wish there was a way to place the knowledge of stillness on the shelf, just for the next few weeks. i want to take in every moment of this child within me. i want to look forward to the birth with excitement and not worry. i need to pray for that.

last night in bed, the feeling of loss came over me like a wave. the sights of the cold hospital room, Jorai's delivery, holding her. i haven't reenacted those moments for months now, but they hit me out of nowhere. the coldness, the quiet, the tears. hearing my husband cry. why did these thoughts come to me again? why do they haunt me? why do they come out of nowhere? i had to shake my head to get them out. i went to God for shelter and He protected me. i pray that these thoughts give me a reprieve for the next few months. i want to think positively about kix. i want to only visualize this child's delivery as a joyous and very loud experience. i want to visualize holding a warm, wet, wiggling baby, with open eyes and a loud voice. i pray that i can push away the horror and accept the dream. i pray that in june the quiet of the nursery will be filled with sounds and smells. i pray that in june, we'll be blessed to have a child fill our hearts and home.

red winged black bird

15 March 2008

i've always loved this bird.

back when i believed in such things, i thought this bird was 'my animal' guide so to speak. american indian culture believes animals come into your life at certain times can show you the way...i used to believe in this. my animal, i use to believe was the red winged black day i was bombarded by one about 5 times in a park. i was with a man that later crushed me...maybe i should have listened to that bird and ran! HA!!

anyway...the red winged black bird, among others, also signify the coming of spring. yesterday morning, on my drive into work, i saw my first of the season. it brought a smile to my face. the thought of spring fills me with joy. i want to be able to throw up the windows and let the fresh air fill this house again. and today, i kept hearing morning doves outside. i know there will be cold and snow in the near future...but i also sense spring in the air. warm breezes and sunshine. and it makes me smile that i'll be able to enjoy it all the more now that i don't have to work in a cavern all day. i can get out and take in the spring. i truly look forward to those days. and shortly, me and my child will be able to take in the warm days of summer together. now that will truly be a blessing.

pregnancy loss support

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i just got my recent share newsletter today in the mail. every time i read it, i remember Jorai and my heart leaps out for all those affected by pregnancy and infant loss. the newsletter comes out every 2 months. it's packed with stories and memorials and research and events. this newsletter comes from the share pregnancy and infant loss support, inc. their mission is:

'to serve those whose lives are touched by the tragic death of a baby through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first few months of life.'
they have tons of support services, a message board, research and memorials. it's just a really good site that raises awareness. if you've gone through pregnancy or child loss or know someone who has, this is an amazing site and i encourage anyone who has gone through a loss like this to request an informational packet and start getting these newsletters. the newsletters are free for a year for anyone who has experienced a loss. they've really helped me. so i thought that i'd share.

i give

i've been using igive for a bit now. it's amazing. there are 690 stores that participate...stores like apple, home depot, babies-r-us, starbucks, old navy, overstock, rei and sears...just to name a few. they give any where from .4%-25% back to an organizations of your choice, just by shopping at their site...there are tons of causes listed. if you don't see your cause, you can ask that it be added.

all you have to do is go through the 'mall' to the store of your choosing. you shop as you normally would on-line, purchase your merchandise and all of a sudden you get an email from igive that states they have gotten your purchase and that a certain amount of money has been given to your charity. super easy. super cool. you don't have to do anything. you buy stuff already on-line. just sign up for this and when you shop at a place that gives a percentage to your organization, make sure you shop through the 'mall'. it cost's you nothing!

please go check this out. it's such a cool and simple thing. my cause is the national stillbirth society. i put a link up to the left if you're interested in making it your cause too.

Our Mission
To enable the economic power of individuals to benefit their chosen communities.

Our Vision
In the near future, all consumer transactions will contain a percentage that benefits causes close to home.

gross porn

i don't think i want to know what this is...but someone just came to my blog after googling 'gross porn'. how'd they come to me? i blogged on the craig gross porn debate.

i wonder what people think when they come to my blog when searching for something. do they get frustrated because it's not what they want or do they read a few entries? here are my most recent stats of who's coming to this blog while searching for something else...crazy...
invisible children
netti pot
phoenix rising porn
pain using netti pot
lansing and person's name blocked out to provide anonymity..
really gross porn
what is a netti pot
vitacost rocks
stealing birth certificate dead baby
michigan big push for midwifery greenhouse birth center
stillborn child credits
mongolian bbq phoenix

pelvis pain


upon waking up this morning i swung my leg off the pillow i rest it on only to hear a loud pop and a sensation of, well... major pain.  it wasn't fun.  my pelvis has been given me troubles now for a few months.  it had gotten better, but lately the pain has come back.  it's been a different pain though.  there's no pressure, just pain right where the 2 sides of the pelvis meet.  it's a place you can't really rub or point's in that's quite painful.  yesterday i was fine all day but some days it's bad. it hurts so much that when i stand from a sitting position, it takes me awhile to take the first step as if knowing the pain that's coming stops me.  it's jarring.  i've been trying to stretch and do the exercises my PT gave me, but nothing seems to work.  i think i need to go back and see my DO. something just isn't right. knowing i have 12 more weeks, i want to make sure i get this fixed.  i guess the good news is that my pelvis is super limber which hopefully will make it an easy passage for kix.  

although what i can't wait for the most is to take in the sounds and  sights of kix.  smell and kiss and watch kix grow...but i also, can't wait to feel normal again.  i can't wait to have a body that moves and feels normal.  i can't wait to walk without pain and breathe without strain.  people say i'm waddling already...there's a reason for that.  my pelvis kills.  try walking with a pelvis that doesn't meet up properly.  oye!  it's not yeah, i can't wait to stand and walk with normality. that will be wonderful.  

off to make belgium waffles with blueberry and strawberry topping and fake sausage links.  yum.

you know you're pregnant when...

14 March 2008


you cry to skid row's 18 and life...yes, i have to admit that this morning while trying to stay awake on the drive to hastings i put my ipod on shuffle. after hitting feel good inc by gorillaz, which was a great song to wake up to, the next song to hit was 18 and life. i can't believe that song made me cry. i'm ridiculous. it's silly.

last night i almost roasted to death. i woke with steve pressed right up against me. i was drenched in sweat. my feet were blazing. it was crazy. i didn't sleep well at all. i haven't been for a while. every now and then i get a good 2-3
straight hours of sleep, but usually i'm up every hour or so just from being uncomfortable. but nothing like last night. i felt like i was in an oven all night. it was horrible. i've been hot all day. and kix has been crazy all day.


13 March 2008


i'm in-between sizes right now...both on my top and lower half.  it sucks. i can fit into medium pants and they fit everywhere but my lower belly.  so all day long, if i'm wearing them, i feel these little kicks and jobs right where my pants are tight.  i feel bad.  i feel like i'm cramping my kids crib. but when i go up the the large, they're pretty big.  they're comfy and roomy, but large.  so i'm in a bit of a quandary.  do i stick with the pants that look halfway decent but cramp my kids style, or, do i wear pants that are baggy and give the kid some more room?

i went big.  they're so comfortable.  i was having to change into sweats as soon as i came home to give the kid some relief, but know, kix has all the room he or she wants.  room to do flips and turn and whatever else.  they may look a bit large, but that's ok.  i'm thinking i'll probably grow into them anyway.

and then with the tops...what is it with pregnancy tops?  we all know that the girls grow substantially when pregnant!  so why do designers make everything super tight around the girls and then super loose everywhere else?  i'm starting to feel very large chested and i'm not that large. these styles just don't make you look very cute.  the girls who are tiny to begin with and carry their children in small little bumps right in front, look super cute in these clothes, but the average women who already has a few lumps and bumps in places, well, let's just say it's hard to look half way decent!  i'm glad that i'm not too vain or i'd be in big trouble!

so for now, i'm wearing tight shirts and loose pants.  i truly am a vision!  but i don't care.  12 more weeks until i get to meet this crazy kid inside of me, and all the discomfort and pain and funny looking clothes, will be nothing compared to hearing that child scream for the first time.  

off to finally get started with a little pregnancy pilates....wish me luck!  it'll be a sight i'm sure!!

carpenter in my freezer

for about an hour this morning i was wondering which one of my neighbors was out hammering..and then after following the noise, i realized the noise was coming from our freezer.  it's this constant tapping noise.  i peeked inside and noticed that there was frozen water over some of the food, the tray under the water/ice dispenser was full, there was a puddle on the floor and the ice container was one solid mass of ice. i cleaned it all out and am keeping an eye on's still making the noise.  i'm not sure what's wrong.

there's a part of me that would love a new refrigerator, but the cost would suck...maybe it would be better to get it fixed...but a new one would be lovely too...this is what i want...

5 days and counting

10 March 2008

i have 5 more days of work left. 5! originally, i was hoping that i could stay on longer if they hadn't found a replacement by the end of the month, but i've decided against it. if they ask, the answer will be no. never. i threw in the towel this morning after getting another crap email from my boss. i'm too tired of this to be dragged around in the dirt any longer. i'm so excited to be cutting my losses and getting the heck out of charlotte. i'm really happy that i have an end date. there was a stress release that happened as soon as it became official. i'm currently signing paper work and only have 5 more days of work. wow. i can concentrate on the health of this baby and maybe get a few more hours at ele's place or be there for my fiends who just had baby's or my pregnant friends or do a few more ministry things.

this makes me happy. i don't have to deal with this any more. i don't have to dread coming to work or waiting for the next shoe to drop. my shoulders feel so much lighter!

3 more weeks...5 more days...i can now see that light at the end of this dreaded tunnel!

kix in dreamworld


i'm not going to delve into it fully, because it was just too crazy, but last night i had a dream that i delivered kix. but i don't remember if kix was a boy or girl... bummer... anyway, i totally remember breastfeeding...when all of a sudden kix was gone and i was pregnant again...but i was in labor. but not like contraction labor. it was just constant kicks from within. lots of people were there. i was at riverview and most riv goers were there. suzanne was propped up on a giant pillow on top a pedestal in front of the lobby...don't ask...i have no idea! then i woke up. what i woke up to was a constant thud against my ribs and belly. it was kix...kicking. over and over. it was constant. i'm wondering if it was hiccups. they were that constant...but it felt like the baby was flailing within me. and it went on for at least 20 minutes and then just stopped.

it actually kinda scared me. the night before we lost Jorai, she was going crazy within me. steve and i were laughing at the time. it felt like she was trying to jump her way out. i now wonder if that was when she was bleeding out. devastating.

i couldn't sleep for the rest of the night because i wanted to make sure kix would move more. in the morning i was contemplating on making a mad dash to the er to have an ultrasound to make sure all was well. but i decided against it. and of course all day, kix has been a basket case, as usual, within me. i''m pretty positive that this child will be the death of my sanity. but i'm loving every second of it.

27 weeks

09 March 2008

we hit 27 weeks gestation tomorrow.  1 week shy of when we lost Jorai.  my apprehension is starting to take it's toll on me.  yesterday i felt the baby move all day.  i even felt a foot press hard against my hand as it was resting on my side.  but when i laid down to watch some tv at night, i wasn't feeling movement.  for the first time all day i wasn't feeling anything and my mind instantly went to the darkness.  i was all set to make a mad dash to the er when i felt a faint movement, and then another.  

i'm on edge.  i feel emotionally damaged  bit.  i'm hyper sensitive and freaking out.  i hate this.  i just want to take each moment as it's given to me and be thankful, but i'm in constant worry and apprehension of losing this child.  i'm letting little things bother me.  i'm feeling a little out of control.  which is silly since i was never in control in the first emotions and worry are taking over more than i want them to.  how can i just let go and be thankful?  

i know it's not healthy for the child, but a part of me wants the baby to come now. this waiting on pins and needles is rough.  it's been 27 weeks, yet every time i go to the bathroom i still check for blood. which is silly since i never bled with Jorai, but it doesn't matter.  i still check. i count kicks all throughout the day.  it's ridiculous.  it's as if i think i have control over this child's health.  like i could stop something if it were to happen again.  

i need to let go of this.  i need to simply live in the moment and let go, but i'm finding it increasingly harder and harder.  this milestone...28's just looming overhead.  will my worry lesson at 29 weeks?  or will it continue?  i hate this feeling.  i want to have faith in God and this little one that all will be well...but i can't.  i feel like a failure because of that. 


08 March 2008

i think i just finished our taxes. i have a few things to put in from steve's investment stuff, but other than that, i think we're done. i think we get screwed for being married. which sucks...and doesn't make sense, but whatever. we've been using our taxes to pay our property taxes the next year since holt likes to really squeeze ya for every penny you have...and i think we'll get enough back to pay all our taxes. so that's cool...i wish we could use the money to buy diapers or a wii...maybe we'll have to use that rebate we're supposedly getting for that!

i'm just glad the taxes are finally done. yea.

sushi distress

07 March 2008

we ate omi last night.  we got all the normal stuff i like and steve passed on the raw stuff just in case it touched mine..we got a spicy california, spinach sesame, shrimp tempura and steve tried the avocado tempura...nothing too spicy or crazy...but, i'm thinking this babe doesn't like sushi.  it hasn't been a pretty morning. 

we're going again this weekend...but i think i'll stick with the big soup thing...not sure what it's called, but ya get  meat and veggies and a big vat of boiling broth.  you cook all your food in the soup.  it's yummy.  and probably a bit easier for my stomach to process.  we'll see!  

MI pot holes

steve and i've been noticing all the potholes in the road.  they're really getting bad.  today my friend krista sent me this video of a pothole she hit.  she's the cute one with brown hair with an xb...

sad little xb...

only in michigan

06 March 2008

will you see kids roller blading and riding their scooters in the dead of winter.  snow is all around, but the warmth has melted and dried the wetness from the sidewalks, so it's time to get out of the bunkers of our houses. 

i think it's cool that kids are out.  last night i heard the neighbor boy playing basketball in the street and now today the kids are riding up and down the sidewalk.  i've always loved hearing children playing outside.  i don't know what it is about that sound.  but it always renews my spirit.  just like hearing the birds in the morning and the crickets at night.  i'm not trying to get too excited here, but i feel spring in the air.  

maybe my husband and i'll take a stroll after a hearty dinner of sushi tonight.  it would be nice to get out and breathe in some fresh air.  even though it's still cold...

baby kix

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steve and i affectionately call our growing child kix, for obvious reasons.  my stomach is a swirl of movement much of the day and night.  the times there's little movement, i start freaking out, because i've become so accustom to the may swirls and jabs and stretches this little one performs on a constant basis.  i feel movement everywhere in my torso.  my sides, right down the middle, my pooper..yes, your read that bowels and super low in my stomach, just above my goods.  i'm not sure if the kids just extra long or simply extra active but i can seriously feel a jab in the ribs and at the same time a kick to the bowels.

as i was relaxing today i was feeling the hard lumps of kix within me.  i can't tell yet if it's a foot or a butt or a head, but it's baby.  when i rub or push in on the small hard lump, i feel my child push back against me or quickly move away.  today out the blue, i realized how blessed i am to feel this.  this is my child.  i can touch my growing child before he's born.  how cool is that?!?  i may not be able to touch their skin for another 3 months, but i feel him.  he responds to me.  if i talk, he moves, if i touch him, he moves.  how amazing!   this little child within me is already bonding with me.  we already know one another.  it makes me cry to think about.  it makes me cry to remember that Jorai and i used to play these games.  i never thought of this until today, it never registered, but my little girl did know me.  she and i had a bond.  that's cool.  i don't know why that never registered until now, but how amazing. 

does God feel like this when He creates life?  does God feel the same joy as i do when i feel this child move within me and think about all that he or she may become?   i think He may.  and how cool is that?!?  when i feel movement it's hard for me not to think about how elizabeth felt when john leaped in her belly when mary arrived pregnant with Jesus. 

this process happens for such a short time in a woman's life.  i want to relish in it.  i want to savor each and every moment.  i want to take in my belly moving and the feel of our child pushing up against my belly.  for i know that later on in life, i'll give anything to feel this one more time.  it's amazing.  simply amazing

another joyful work update

this is getting almost funny now.

so my manager, who only converses with me when i've done something wrong or is 'disappointed' in me, came into my office yesterday to hand me my 'notice of last day of work'. with it she 'kindly' let me know that i couldn't call in sick or take vacation from now until i leave. which could be in 2 weeks or 2 months...if i call in sick, they won't give me my vacation pay-out, that right now sits at 48 hours.
side note...i called in sick the previous day since i was up all night with a sick husband...interesting that this came down today...

knowing my rights, and seeing what was written in the letter (if an employee calls in sick during their last 2 weeks, he/she may forfeit pay-out...) i said...isn't that just in the last 2 weeks? she sputtered and said, well i don't know, you'll have to look into your union contract.

so once again, management is trying to spin things. now,
i have to cover my arse and make sure that the sick time call in is only in the last 2 weeks. seeing that steve is still recovering from the flu and the possibility of me getting sick is there, i think this is ridiculous! they know i don't call in sick unless i'm sick. my manager said that they don't want me to start calling in sick every day. as if that would happen! i work 2 stinkin days a week...i think i can handle it. and it was my choice to continue to work and not quit right away. now i have to worry about getting my vacation pay-out which i've been saving up for since i don't get any fmla this time around.

the whole thing is crap. i have 46 hours sick and 48 hours vacation. i lose all of my sick since i haven't worked there for 7 years and i could lose all my vacation if i get sick. what is it with organizations that don't give a crap about their employees? where does that mentality come from. since i've graduated from college i've worked for 4 companies and only 1 of them was a great company to work for. another was a decent company to work for...but the other 2 were horrible. and what's interesting is that they were both local health departments. small governmental agencies who are there to help people. yet they care less for the people who work for them. i just don't get it.

i'm going to finish up my work with them, as long as the whole calling in sick is really just deemed inappropriate during the last 2 weeks i work...but when i leave, i truly will be so happy to be done with them. i've worked hard and have done tons of work in 2 major programs that they have. one was barely functioning when i started and i've completely revamped it to what it is today. yet none of those things matter to them. and with a team of about 100 employees, most at or near retirement age and many others wanting desperately to leave, they should start caring...they have some really amazing people that work there and unfortunately, they treat them all like crap. it's really, really sad.

i've never wanted to be a manager because all i see are crappy managers. but having gone through all this crap, there's something inside me that really wants to be a manager. i keep thinking about God as my boss and how sad He must be seeing all these people that He put in these positions, treating their subordinates so poorly. they must have the potential to be great managers if He placed them in those positions. but they've failed. it makes me want to step up and be that example. but with all the crappy managers out there, it makes me think that when you get those positions, it corrupts you. and i would never want that.

i don't know. it just really makes me sad when i think about all the time people spend at work, away from their family and things they love. they spend all this time working and being treated poorly and they're stressed and sad and hate what they do day in and day out...there has to be a better way. i truly hope and pray that some day, there will be a different norm in US society. because right now, i think it's deplorable.

belgium waffle extravaganza

in both on my pregnancies the one thing i keep craving are belgium waffles..which is funny because although i'm a fan of blueberry crapes and pancakes, i've never been a huge fan of other waffles or pancakes. it's hard to find a good belgium waffle too. i have a vision of them in my head...the haughty version with fresh fruit and whip i crave them and crave them yet rarely get a chance to partake.

on tuesday as i was shopping for sick food for my husband, i noticed that kroger makes a frozen belgium waffle...i knew it wasn't going to taste like the ones i have swirling around in my head, but i thought i'd give them a try anyway.

last night i made 2 for dinner. i had some fake sausage with them and made my own blueberry topping...i have to say that for frozen belgium waffles, they were amazing. i think i've just created a waffle monster. thank goodness i only have 3 more months left in my pregnancy! this could pose a problem if i can't control myself!

but i do still want those waffles i have swirling around in my mind...someday... someday...


04 March 2008

i was up until 5:30 this morning with steve. although i actually went to bed around 4, i just couldn't fall asleep. i was wired. i don't know if i was worried about him or what, but i was wired. i slept until 10, but i'm still knackered. i went shopping today to pick up sick people food. sparkling water and temple of health tea...which i couldn't find! blasted! chicken noodle soup, i just didn't have the energy to make it from scratch, and oranges.

i feel fine. knocking on wood. i'm trying to lay low and take care of myself so i don't get it. he keeps spiking a fever, which isn't good. hopefully we can nip it in the butt and get healthy! and hopefully, i'll get some sleep tonight!

i want to go give little parker price some welcomes, but with the husband sick, i'm keeping a distance, just in case. but man, i want to run over there!!! congratulations dan, suzanne and jaden! yea baby girls!


i've been up since around midnight with a sick husband. well, i've been in bed, but he's been getting up every half hour or so, so really, i've been up to. it's now almost 3:30 in the morning. he's in the shower with a fever, i'm downstairs making him tea. is this God's way of preparing me for the midnight hour of childhood sickness?

i think i'll be taking a sick day tomorrow to take care of my husband tomorrow. seeing i've gotten about 2 hours of sleep so doesn't look good. i'm thinking steve may be the flu. please pray for his speedy recovery and that i don't get it. i never did get the flu shot this season because of my pregnancy.

RiverBrew info

03 March 2008

so after my disappointing ocnverstaion with my friend about this cool ministry, i've learned that the article is gaining popularity. noel has already given a few interviews on the subject. crazy.

he posted a few reasons why he's glad this ministry is launching, and since he's way more eloquent that i, i'm just to going to pimp his words and site. so here ya go, if you're interested.

Basically, this ministry will teach people how to home brew their own beer. Here, again, are their objectives:

* To worship God through appreciation of his creation
* To build community and friendships through a common bond
* To model and exhort enjoyment in moderation of God’s gifts; quality over quantity
* To break down misconceptions about the Biblical view of alcohol
* To resume the Church’s historical role as making the finest beer in town

Here are some reasons I am glad this ministry is launching:

It is an example of young men taking a risk for the Gospel.
The guys who are starting this ministry are not doing so solely because they like beer (which they do). They’re also not doing it to buck the system (which it will). They are doing it because they have seen the increased popularity in home brewing and see the Gospel opportunity it provides. They will be able to reach people that are currently untouched with the Gospel.

I am sure they will receive criticism for their risk, and I am sure they will be gracious in the face of this criticism. It is a big risk and I am praying it will pay off huge with eternal rewards.

It is innovative.
This very well may be the first of its kind (at least in modern American history). It is certainly the first time I have ever heard of a ministry like this. I love innovation and I will try anything moral once. As Mark Batterson has often said, “everything is an experiment.”

If this goes well, awesome.

If it goes poorly, awesome.

It provides what our Secular Culture needs right now.
There is a time and place when the best thing a Christian can do is to abstain from alcohol for the sake of the Gospel. I believe that time is over in our culture.

American Christians are now known much more for what we are against than what we are for. That must change.

We, as a culture, are very well versed in the dangers of alcoholism, drunk driving, and the like. What we desperately need in America right now is examples of moderation. That’s why I love the tagline of this ministry: “Quality over Quantity.” Or as Jeremy Mason has said, “Drink less beer…drink better beer.” Amen and amen.

It provides what our Christian Culture needs right now.
American Christians need to remember that historical Christianity has not had a problem with moderate alcohol consumption. Only over the last century or so have we become a “dry” faith. The Bible, while clearly warning about the dangers of drunkenness, calls wine a blessing from God.

We also have to be careful to think that we can be “holier than Jesus.” Saying that abstaining from alcohol is more moral than moderate consumption is ranking ourselves above Jesus who drank wine. That is not wise.

I want to close with a quote from an essay written by Jeremy Mason for the RiverBrew page on our church’s website:

The history of the church has been deeply rooted in the responsible enjoyment of beer and alcohol. Beer has never been the focus, just one of many great joys along the way. Brewing has been a thing of beauty, always focused on the joy that a good brew can bring. It seems that many theologians have been accompanied by a good beer as they have set forth to fight the good fight of truth and faith. If history is any indication of the future, I expect the church will continue in its unabashed appreciation of God’s great nectar. In this pursuit, there will always be someone in town who is brewing the best beer, why not make it the church?