27 weeks

we hit 27 weeks gestation tomorrow.  1 week shy of when we lost Jorai.  my apprehension is starting to take it's toll on me.  yesterday i felt the baby move all day.  i even felt a foot press hard against my hand as it was resting on my side.  but when i laid down to watch some tv at night, i wasn't feeling movement.  for the first time all day i wasn't feeling anything and my mind instantly went to the darkness.  i was all set to make a mad dash to the er when i felt a faint movement, and then another.  

i'm on edge.  i feel emotionally damaged  bit.  i'm hyper sensitive and freaking out.  i hate this.  i just want to take each moment as it's given to me and be thankful, but i'm in constant worry and apprehension of losing this child.  i'm letting little things bother me.  i'm feeling a little out of control.  which is silly since i was never in control in the first place...my emotions and worry are taking over more than i want them to.  how can i just let go and be thankful?  

i know it's not healthy for the child, but a part of me wants the baby to come now. this waiting on pins and needles is rough.  it's been 27 weeks, yet every time i go to the bathroom i still check for blood. which is silly since i never bled with Jorai, but it doesn't matter.  i still check. i count kicks all throughout the day.  it's ridiculous.  it's as if i think i have control over this child's health.  like i could stop something if it were to happen again.  

i need to let go of this.  i need to simply live in the moment and let go, but i'm finding it increasingly harder and harder.  this milestone...28 weeks...it's just looming overhead.  will my worry lesson at 29 weeks?  or will it continue?  i hate this feeling.  i want to have faith in God and this little one that all will be well...but i can't.  i feel like a failure because of that.