Phoenix Rising

Asher used to be a fabulous eater. Anything I placed before him was gone. Meat, veggies, fruit, cheese....even beets and broccoli. And then he hit 15 months and everything went down the crapper. Things he'll eat one day will be thrown off his tray another. The only things I know he'll eat is peanut butter on anything, catchup and scrambled eggs. Today, after struggling to get him to eat something for lunch, I caved and gave him apples and peanut butter. After making him a new chicken salad recipe with grapes for dinner, he spat out his test bite and refused to eat anything else. I even tried spaghetti! So again, I caved and gave him...yup...peanut butter on bread.

I'm getting so freakin' frustrated! I keep trying new recipes and new styles but for the most part he either tosses them off his tray...another annoyance of mine...or spits it out and refuses to open his mouth for anything else.

I've seriously considered the 'oh, well...if you're not going to eat what mama gives you, then you'll go to bed hungry' tactic...but I just can't. He's too little and really, I'll be the one getting up with him in the early morning to nurse or feed him, so what's the point?

He refuses all veggies now, unless I hide them. And it pisses me off because I know he likes them. He used to eat them just fine for months! Most meat products I have to dip in catchup, for him to eat them. I need help. I'm getting towards the end of my rope and am about to let Steve make him all his food.

Any suggestions?

Who wrote this trash? Seriously, where did they ever come from? I decided to go out and buy our first nursery rhyme book and was appalled after I read a few...here's a taster:

I just realized that for our third anniversary, we got the gift of hearing our 3rd child's heartbeat for the first time.

Pretty sweet.

Baby 3.0 has yet to receive a nickname yet. Maybe when we have have our first ultrasound in a few weeks, something will come to us.

I keep thinking about the sex...is this going to be a girl...a boy...maybe we'll have both...yea, that's a scary thought. I know people say they don't care what they have, but I really, truly don't have a preference. I think it would be so cool to have another boy so Asher can have little brother to play catch with. I think it would be cool to watch them grow together and build their relationship through the years...I also think it would be cool to have another girl. To be able to see all the differences and experience life with both a boy and a girl would be cool. To watch Asher protect his little sister and again, watch their relationship grow throughout the years...so cool.

What ever we have...boy, girl, twins (still freakin' out!) I can't wait for the new journey. I'm going to treasure each and every moment I have with Asher now and when the new baby comes, I'll cherish those too.

Hearing the heartbeat today was a treasure. Being only 11 weeks, it's a little soon to hear it. But my Dr. was persistent and the heartbeat was strong. So cool. What a gift.

Happy anniversary Steven!

I'm 11 weeks today. The first trimester has been dragging for me. I think it's mostly because I've felt like crud and with the nervousness about twins and still having not seen the dr., which I get to do this coming Thursday, so yea! But I have a feeling that the rest of my pregnancy is going to fly by and in a way, that freaks me out.

I've never really thought about not being able to love this new baby as much as Asher, as I know I will...but what saddens me is when I think about all the time Asher and I have together now and how that'll change. Asher and I have been joined at the hip, unless papa is around and then I'm chopped liver!, for almost 16 months now. It's just been him and I. Buds. But pretty soon, things will change and I'll be back to being held up on the couch with a crazy nursing baby all day. I wonder how that will change Asher and my relationship. I know it'll be hard for the first few weeks/months, but I keep focusing on the future and how close they'll be, becoming buds themselves.

I'm so excited to see both of our living babies play together, laugh together and yes, even argue with one another. I love my brothers. I remember the feeling of love and closeness that I felt when I was young. I always look back to memories of me and my brothers with fondness. I can't wait to encourage ad nurture our children to have those close relationships, as I did.

So I'm looking forward to the future and trying not to worry about the nearer future. This is my mantra.

I've been noticing how I SUCK at uploading pictures. I was doing pretty good in the first few months of Asher's life. Most weeks I uploaded new pictures on picasa...but by around 7-8 months...it always took a few 2....3 weeks to post. I just realized that I haven't posted anything since the last week of June! Crazy!

So, my new goal is to post once a month. Hopefully I'll be able to achieve that. We'll see...until then, here's the pics from July and hopefully soon, I'll post the pics from August! Enjoy!!

Last night Asher woke at 11:30, 12:30, 1:30 and 2. When he woke, he bolted up and started screaming and jumping up and down in his crib. And when I mean screaming...I mean screaming. Asher rarely even cries when he wakes, so I know something is going on when he's screaming. The only thing I can think of is nightmares. I feel so bad for the kiddo and actually wonder what he's having nightmares about.

At 2 in the morning I drug the futon mattress up from the basement and brought it into the nursery. I comforted Asher down and then lay down to nurse. What a joy! I haven't been able to do that in months. He wants nothing to do with that. I usually have to be sitting in a quiet room for him to nurse. While I was nursing I was thinking how lovely it was going to be to sleep with him all night like we used to. Feeling his warmth and hearing his breath. I miss it so. But as he rolled over and sat up, and turned around and put his head down and got back up...over and over again...I realized that my little boy could no longer sleep with me. He has gotten used to his independence and needed it. So as much as I hated...I picked him up and placed him back in his crib,and laid back down on the floor next to his bed. Although I got to sleep close to him all night, I have to say that I truly missed the opportunity to snuggle with him all night. Though I know we both probably slept better apart. But I sure do miss his snuggles.

Today he woke with a runny nose. I don't know if last night was related or not...in fact I think it has more to do with allergies than a sickness...but I still feel bad for the punkin's.

Anyway, needless to say, I'm exhausted. Utterly exhausted. I've been barely functioning all day. Thankfully, he took 2 solid naps, so I could sleep as well, but I'm still exhausted. I'm going to bed soon. It's Friday night...8:10pm and I'm going to bed. I feel like a loser...but it'll feel so good to crawl under those sheets and relax.

Goodnight y'all.

I've been out of sorts today. Pretty weepy and exhausted from emotions, but I'm snapping out of it. It's so easy to travel down the road of sorrow once you've gotten familiar with the scenery. It's a small world in the baby loss circle. And so many of us have become friends and confidants, that their pain, becomes our pain in a way. Plus in the blogging world, reading one blog about loss, turns into reading ten. I seem to get drawn in. I'm not completely sure why, other than I know exactly how they feel...they know exactly how I feel. We're connected, in the horrifying tragic kind of way. And there's something in me that wants to read the stories of the babies lost. It's their history. Their imprint on the world. I feel that I need to read it to honor their lives. And I want to. I want their parents to know that I met their child through their words, and that I was impacted by their story. It's all we parents have of our babies lives. Their brief stay on earth. Their story.

But I have to be careful with this as well. It's like balancing on a tightrope. The more I read, the more pain stirs up and more importantly, the more apprehension. Last night I woke at 2 and sat straight up in bed for no reason. I tried to calm down, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned for awhile until I finally gave into the urge to go check on Asher. I haven't checked on his breathing in months. But last night, I couldn't resist. And of course, he was perfectly sound asleep.

Loss is a crazy road to travel down. You're down one minute, up the next and the pain never really goes away. It always resides, just under the surface. The fear lies there too. Most days you go about your day and think of your lost love and wish they were here with you, but the pain isn't there...not the excruciating pain...but it lays in wait for the perfect time to spring up and take you by surprise.

Yesterday mine sprang up. I have to remember that this life isn't run on my plan. I'm just a bystander. Things will happen outside of my control. Great and wonderful things will happen in my life, but utterly tragic events will also play out. And I may not understand why they happen or like their outcome or see them coming....none of that matters. The only things that matter are God and people. Relationships. Building them, keeping them, nurturing them...What matters is feeling blessed with what you do have and thanking God for it every chance you have. Even when it's hard and all you want to do is throw yourself at his feet and convulse into a temper tantrum...

There were so many times when I asked God why He took Jorai from me. Why He takes any baby from their parent. I always tried to hold onto the thought that He had a bigger plan for her. That He needed her with Him. It's what gave me comfort. But what do you say to someone who has lost 3 babies. 1 at 28 weeks gestation, 1 at 7 weeks old and 1 at 3 days old? Why would God do that? Why does He allow such tragedy, such horror, to happen time and time again to a loving couple? I'm not asking this for answers, so please don't give them. I know all things happen in His plan...and that I don't know His plan. But I can honestly say this, and He knows I feel this way, I think, from my viewpoint...sometimes His plan sucks.

I've never met Mirne or Craig, but my heart aches for them tonight. I'm sitting here crying for people I don't know, but who have gone through such loss that even through my own loss, I have no idea of their pain. I'm mad for them. I'm aching for them. I wish I could be there for them. I just feel so gutted. I'm at a loss.

If you want to read of their journey, their story is here.