Phoenix Rising

Asher used to be a fabulous eater. Anything I placed before him was gone. Meat, veggies, fruit, cheese....even beets and broccoli. And then he hit 15 months and everything went down the crapper. Things he'll eat one day will be thrown off his tray another. The only things I know he'll eat is peanut butter on anything, catchup and scrambled eggs. Today, after struggling to get him to eat something for lunch, I caved and gave him apples and peanut butter. After making him a new chicken salad recipe with grapes for dinner, he spat out his test bite and refused to eat anything else. I even tried spaghetti! So again, I caved and gave him...yup...peanut butter on bread.

I'm getting so freakin' frustrated! I keep trying new recipes and new styles but for the most part he either tosses them off his tray...another annoyance of mine...or spits it out and refuses to open his mouth for anything else.

I've seriously considered the 'oh, well...if you're not go…

Who wrote this trash? Seriously, where did they ever come from? I decided to go out and buy our first nursery rhyme book and was appalled after I read a few...here's a taster:

Goosey Goosey Gander:
Goosey Goosey Gander, whiter shall I wander?
Upstairs, downstairs and in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man who wouldn't say his prayers,
I took him by the left leg and through him down the stairs.

OK, where do I start? Where the child (or whomever 'I' is in the rhyme) is roaming around in this 'lady's chamber where he finds a creepy old man? Or where if I read this rhyme I would not only be guilting my child to say his prayers or I'd through him down the stairs?

Seriously?

How about Jack and Jill? Didn't Jack break his crown?

Didn't humpty dumpty fall down and die?

How about the baby in Rock-a-bye baby who fell down from the tree, cradle and all?

Or this from There was an old woman:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many ch…

I just realized that for our third anniversary, we got the gift of hearing our 3rd child's heartbeat for the first time.

Pretty sweet.

Baby 3.0 has yet to receive a nickname yet. Maybe when we have have our first ultrasound in a few weeks, something will come to us.

I keep thinking about the sex...is this going to be a girl...a boy...maybe we'll have both...yea, that's a scary thought. I know people say they don't care what they have, but I really, truly don't have a preference. I think it would be so cool to have another boy so Asher can have little brother to play catch with. I think it would be cool to watch them grow together and build their relationship through the years...I also think it would be cool to have another girl. To be able to see all the differences and experience life with both a boy and a girl would be cool. To watch Asher protect his little sister and again, watch their relationship grow throughout the years...so cool.

What ever we have...b…

I'm 11 weeks today. The first trimester has been dragging for me. I think it's mostly because I've felt like crud and with the nervousness about twins and still having not seen the dr., which I get to do this coming Thursday, so yea! But I have a feeling that the rest of my pregnancy is going to fly by and in a way, that freaks me out.

I've never really thought about not being able to love this new baby as much as Asher, as I know I will...but what saddens me is when I think about all the time Asher and I have together now and how that'll change. Asher and I have been joined at the hip, unless papa is around and then I'm chopped liver!, for almost 16 months now. It's just been him and I. Buds. But pretty soon, things will change and I'll be back to being held up on the couch with a crazy nursing baby all day. I wonder how that will change Asher and my relationship. I know it'll be hard for the first few weeks/months, but I keep focusing on t…

I've been noticing how I SUCK at uploading pictures. I was doing pretty good in the first few months of Asher's life. Most weeks I uploaded new pictures on picasa...but by around 7-8 months...it always took a few 2....3 weeks to post. I just realized that I haven't posted anything since the last week of June! Crazy!

So, my new goal is to post once a month. Hopefully I'll be able to achieve that. We'll see...until then, here's the pics from July and hopefully soon, I'll post the pics from August! Enjoy!!

Last night Asher woke at 11:30, 12:30, 1:30 and 2. When he woke, he bolted up and started screaming and jumping up and down in his crib. And when I mean screaming...I mean screaming. Asher rarely even cries when he wakes, so I know something is going on when he's screaming. The only thing I can think of is nightmares. I feel so bad for the kiddo and actually wonder what he's having nightmares about.

At 2 in the morning I drug the futon mattress up from the basement and brought it into the nursery. I comforted Asher down and then lay down to nurse. What a joy! I haven't been able to do that in months. He wants nothing to do with that. I usually have to be sitting in a quiet room for him to nurse. While I was nursing I was thinking how lovely it was going to be to sleep with him all night like we used to. Feeling his warmth and hearing his breath. I miss it so. But as he rolled over and sat up, and turned around and put his head down and got back up...over and o…

I've been out of sorts today. Pretty weepy and exhausted from emotions, but I'm snapping out of it. It's so easy to travel down the road of sorrow once you've gotten familiar with the scenery. It's a small world in the baby loss circle. And so many of us have become friends and confidants, that their pain, becomes our pain in a way. Plus in the blogging world, reading one blog about loss, turns into reading ten. I seem to get drawn in. I'm not completely sure why, other than I know exactly how they feel...they know exactly how I feel. We're connected, in the horrifying tragic kind of way. And there's something in me that wants to read the stories of the babies lost. It's their history. Their imprint on the world. I feel that I need to read it to honor their lives. And I want to. I want their parents to know that I met their child through their words, and that I was impacted by their story. It's all we parents have of our babies li…

There were so many times when I asked God why He took Jorai from me. Why He takes any baby from their parent. I always tried to hold onto the thought that He had a bigger plan for her. That He needed her with Him. It's what gave me comfort. But what do you say to someone who has lost 3 babies. 1 at 28 weeks gestation, 1 at 7 weeks old and 1 at 3 days old? Why would God do that? Why does He allow such tragedy, such horror, to happen time and time again to a loving couple? I'm not asking this for answers, so please don't give them. I know all things happen in His plan...and that I don't know His plan. But I can honestly say this, and He knows I feel this way, I think, from my viewpoint...sometimes His plan sucks.

I've never met Mirne or Craig, but my heart aches for them tonight. I'm sitting here crying for people I don't know, but who have gone through such loss that even through my own loss, I have no idea of their pain. I'm mad for them. …