outta sorts
I've been out of sorts today. Pretty weepy and exhausted from emotions, but I'm snapping out of it. It's so easy to travel down the road of sorrow once you've gotten familiar with the scenery. It's a small world in the baby loss circle. And so many of us have become friends and confidants, that their pain, becomes our pain in a way. Plus in the blogging world, reading one blog about loss, turns into reading ten. I seem to get drawn in. I'm not completely sure why, other than I know exactly how they feel...they know exactly how I feel. We're connected, in the horrifying tragic kind of way. And there's something in me that wants to read the stories of the babies lost. It's their history. Their imprint on the world. I feel that I need to read it to honor their lives. And I want to. I want their parents to know that I met their child through their words, and that I was impacted by their story. It's all we parents have of our babies lives. Their brief stay on earth. Their story.
But I have to be careful with this as well. It's like balancing on a tightrope. The more I read, the more pain stirs up and more importantly, the more apprehension. Last night I woke at 2 and sat straight up in bed for no reason. I tried to calm down, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned for awhile until I finally gave into the urge to go check on Asher. I haven't checked on his breathing in months. But last night, I couldn't resist. And of course, he was perfectly sound asleep.
Loss is a crazy road to travel down. You're down one minute, up the next and the pain never really goes away. It always resides, just under the surface. The fear lies there too. Most days you go about your day and think of your lost love and wish they were here with you, but the pain isn't there...not the excruciating pain...but it lays in wait for the perfect time to spring up and take you by surprise.
Yesterday mine sprang up. I have to remember that this life isn't run on my plan. I'm just a bystander. Things will happen outside of my control. Great and wonderful things will happen in my life, but utterly tragic events will also play out. And I may not understand why they happen or like their outcome or see them coming....none of that matters. The only things that matter are God and people. Relationships. Building them, keeping them, nurturing them...What matters is feeling blessed with what you do have and thanking God for it every chance you have. Even when it's hard and all you want to do is throw yourself at his feet and convulse into a temper tantrum...
But I have to be careful with this as well. It's like balancing on a tightrope. The more I read, the more pain stirs up and more importantly, the more apprehension. Last night I woke at 2 and sat straight up in bed for no reason. I tried to calm down, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned for awhile until I finally gave into the urge to go check on Asher. I haven't checked on his breathing in months. But last night, I couldn't resist. And of course, he was perfectly sound asleep.
Loss is a crazy road to travel down. You're down one minute, up the next and the pain never really goes away. It always resides, just under the surface. The fear lies there too. Most days you go about your day and think of your lost love and wish they were here with you, but the pain isn't there...not the excruciating pain...but it lays in wait for the perfect time to spring up and take you by surprise.
Yesterday mine sprang up. I have to remember that this life isn't run on my plan. I'm just a bystander. Things will happen outside of my control. Great and wonderful things will happen in my life, but utterly tragic events will also play out. And I may not understand why they happen or like their outcome or see them coming....none of that matters. The only things that matter are God and people. Relationships. Building them, keeping them, nurturing them...What matters is feeling blessed with what you do have and thanking God for it every chance you have. Even when it's hard and all you want to do is throw yourself at his feet and convulse into a temper tantrum...
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