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Showing posts from October, 2007
steve and i went to see dan in real life tonight. it was pretty good...but on the way home i turned on 89.9 to hear a song that i haven't heard since some high school dance of mine...a long time ago...but i was surprised how much i liked it. too funny. so, i thought i'd share a little i've got the power by snap with you..



then this came on...



and then this...a huge reminder of my roller skating days...ohh boy.



wow. what a throw back. i love the impact!

ok, now their topping off my night!...they're playing one of the best bands of all time...depeche mode...shake the disease. wow...i'm happy!


books on tape

i've almost finished my harry potter books on tape, that i got addicted to this summer. i never thought i'd like listening to books...i've only listened to books i've already read, so i'm not sure if i'll get the same amount out of listening to one i haven't read, but i'm willing to give it a go. having them to listen to on my commutes, really help the drive...so i'm on the quest for more. any suggestions? had any good reads lately? i'm looking for something light, fun....i don't know...really any suggestion would be nice.

thanks! off to goodwill...


...books on tape, i've listened to so far...
all the harry potter's...read by stephen fry of course...they seriously rock, just like reading the book...total amazement
catcher in the rye...this sucked....the person reading it, not the book
into the wild...great..and although i can't stand the author, it was cool that he read the book.
digital fortress...couldn't finish it...again,…

note to self

1, 6-inch subway tuna sub is way too much to eat at one sitting right now. even though you're starving, slow down and only eat 1/2 of it. if you're still hungry, 30 minutes later, eat the other half. eating the whole thing causes pain. and bloating. and...

if you do eat the full sub, remember to re-zip your pants before getting up from behind your desk!

the power of smell

i work with a few ladies who like their perfume and potpourri. there is one person who has that gel potpourri that you let heat up. it permeates the entire department with it's extremely pungent flowery smell. i'm not sure why it's ok with management to tell you the truth...it's a bit offensive...but alas, there are many people i work with that are quite odoriferous...there is one gal, who just started with the potpourri thing, and although i'm usually nauseated with the over powering nature of the smells, this one is different. it smells like bubble gum. it's enjoyable...but even though i'm bloated and i'm full and my pant's hurt...i'm really craving some bubble gum!

my pants hurt

i realized today that i'm uncomfortable in my pants. it's not fair...not that i'm complaining...but i really wish i could wear jeans to work. that's the one thing i purchased after having Jorai. my pre-pregnancy work pants are tight. i can get them on, but they're tight. real tight. i had lost the weight i put on when i carried Jorai, but my body shape changed and the old pants, just aren't working. since i'm pregnant, i figured that i could wear some of my maternity clothes...yeah, that didn't work. they just fell off me. so i'm stuck with either buying new pants, i'm cheap! that won't happen, or simply wearing the old tight ones. which sucks. i feel totally uncomfortable. i just shut my door so i could unzip my pants for a bit. how silly!

it doesn't help that people are already looking at my belly to see if i've popped yet. i'm only 7 weeks, people! and seriously, my tummy can't pop! it was just carrying a chi…

calling all my mac friends

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have you seen/tried/heard about 'budget' by snowmint creative solutions...steve and i have been looking for some budgeting software, preferably envelope budgeting, for a while now and i just stumbled upon this. i'm going to trail it out before i officially order it, but has anyone used it before? it looks pretty cool.

here's a screenshot


please pray

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**mood: exausted
**noise: the wind

the past 3 days have been really hard. i struggle to stay awake. i'm so weak. nausea comes on and off, but it's starting to stay away. i have a pressure in my head that's nothing i've felt before...i've never had a migraine, but i think this might be what it feels like when it's starting to come on...my brain feels heavy, almost swollen. i have pain that comes and goes, but what's hard is the eye pain. when the sun gets bright, i have sharp pain. again, it comes and goes, but it takes so much out of me. i'm not hungry, just exhausted. i slept 12 hours last night and then came down stairs to watch 3 hours of tv shows online. and i still feel exhausted.

at times i wonder if i'm making 2 babies. oye! that would be a surprise...my fathers an identical twin...but that doesn't up my chances...it's probably nothing, but i was never this exhausted with Jorai. again, i'm not complaining, that's on…
i had my second dr. appointment this morning. everything looks great. my hormone levels went from the low 100's to mid 500's in 1 1/2 days. so yea...but when we went in we had a new nurse. she took my weight and then led me to the ultrasound room to ask me 'on a scale of 0-10, 10 being the highest, what is your pain today?'. never being asked that in a 'normal' obgyn appointment, i was a bit taken aback. freaking out, i had to wait almost 20 minutes for the doctor. thinking i was losing the baby the entire time...how silly. why would she ask me what my pain is? the doctor thought is was strange too...but after all that worry that very long 20 minutes, it was wonderful to hear everything was great. i go back in 4 weeks.

yesterday i was exhausted and my head was heavy all day, last night i woke with a screaming headache, so i folded and took something...which i didn't want to do, but i was in pain...this morning i'm still exhausted and have a sli…

super sweet

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i heard that jessica seinfeld wrote a cookbook that hides veggies in food so you can slip your picky child veggies right under their noses. this is so cool. my family never had food aversions, neither did the nieces or nephews...but steve did...big time...and that's one thing i'm nervous about..a picky eater. we're so health conscious, it would be really hard for me to have a picky eater...but then i saw this book and some of the recipes on oprah.com...go check it out.

she even makes brownies made with carrot and spinach puree...and supposedly, they rock...i'm excited about this...and i have no need for it...but i'm still super excited..
nausea has hit. woke up this morning fine, got my brakes fixed, went out to lunch...all fine...but by the time i got home to check/respond to emails, it hit. the lump in my throat...the headache...the swirls and twirls...ugh

i'm making chicken tortilla soup...it kinda sounds good, kinda horrible...my completely amazing husband is stopping by mimi maternity after work to get me preggie pops..which are suppose to ease tummy issues...we'll see.

i love my husband. he takes such wonderful care of me.

in money saving news...the toyota needed all new breaks...shoes, pads and 1 rotor. steve took it to tuffy to get a quote. $245 for the front $488 for all 4. sticker shocked, i looked through the phonebook and found discount mufflers and brakes on cedar...i went there today for a quote and left with all new brakes. they only charged me $222. $222 for all 4 brakes. if you need brakes...go check them out.
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for the past 2 weeks i've been super emotional, sensitive and exhausted. more so than with Jorai. so i know it probably has a bit to do with grief and postpartum stuff but after thinking about and realizing how much my body has changed the past 2 weeks and will continue to change, i'm not surprised i'm an emotional basket case. in the past 2 weeks, our new baby has gone from this...












and this week the baby will look like this...










in 2 weeks, our baby has gone from a 2-layer embryo the size of a poppy seed to a 3-layer embryo the size of a sesame seed that is ready to start developing. the heart and circulatory system started to develop and, the by the end of the 5th week the tiny heart began to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood and the placenta and umbilical cord, were already working.

so on this week...the 6th week...God will be using my body to help develop:

the nose, mouth, and ears are beginning to take shape. the eyes and nostrils are starting to form. em…
i got an email from a friend of mine the other day that really struck me. i never thought of our pregnancy like this. but it makes sense and brings me comfort.
one thing for you both to remember is, this pregnancy is totally separate from the last and Jorai's accident was freakishly odd, and not a common occurrence, so try to think along those lines...it is a whole new day and I am sure that Jorai will be with you during this time and helping to take care of that little one.it is a whole new day, this is a whole new pregnancy, Jorai passed because of a freak occurrence of a cord aneurysm. it's a whole new pregnancy. these few words have brought me comfort. i need to change me way of thinking.

on a flip note...although i'm having a wonderful time at home, only working 2 days a week, i find that i sometimes get a bit frustrated with the housework. i feel like since i'm home, i should keep it up, do the dishes, make dinner, do laundry...all the normal 'house mom…

baby stuff

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i know there/s some preggo's out there so i thought i'd post this. my mom-in-law bought us a stroller for Jorai, but returned it when we lost her. she wanted me to send her the info again so she could buy another one...so i thought i'd do some more research...i found this from phil and teds. it's kinda pricey, but it's really high rated and the cool thing is, you can add a $80 attachment when you have a second child to make it a double stroller. check it out.


ugh

i was just going through work emails when i came across one from steve on may 29. just 4 days before we lost Jorai. it talked about calling the pediatrics office to make an appointment and talking to the doctor about circumcision...we weren't sure if we were going to do it.

man. another reminder of what we've lost hit me out of the blue. it's like a dagger to the heart. i feel deflated. i want to feel filled with joy because of our new child growing within me, but at times, i have to admit, i'm just waiting to lose her too. i know that's wrong of me, but i can't seem to help it. i've had pains in my belly today. they are probably nothing. but my first thought is of miscarriage.

i know God gave me this journey because He knew i could walk it. but there are times i don't want to walk anymore. there are times i feel as if i'm kneeling in the dirt, frozen to the ground and unable to move. there are times i want to give up. there are times w…
i realized, again, that i need more grace. i have tons for the starving, hurt, dying and exploited adults and children who fill this world. but i have very little for the adult people around me. which sucks.

i see people around me who have the gift of grace. they exude grace. me...i just seem to exude crap most times. i want to look into peoples eyes and show the love of Christ. i want to look at the people who have hurt me, disappointed me, annoy me and flat out piss me off, and smile with genuine love for them. i want to be able to listen to people without getting my feelings hurt or frustrated because they don't agree with me. i want to look into someones eyes, genuinely listen and love them exactly where they are.

i wish i had more grace.
i finally got our thank you notes done from Jorai's baby shower and for some of the folks who helped us travel through our grief. we sent emails to most folks, but felt that we needed to send actual cards to others who really helped us. it took me 4 months to finish them. i'd write 1 or 2 and then put them away for a few weeks. these few thank yous meant so much for us to write, but it was so hard. i'm glad they're done.
i've realized today that i really need to keep my emotions at bay, especially when it comes to opening my mouth to let them spill out. i've aways be an incredibly open and honest person and for the most part...it's a good trait. but then there's times when it's not. today it wasn't. with all these emotions pumping through my body i feel like a wound up ball of rubber bands just waiting to unravel. i hear one thing wrong and i start freaking out. one thing leads to the other and i end up looking like a fool.

it's times like this that i seriously think about shutting my mouth and rolling with the punches, never giving my opinions or fears or apprehensions. just sit there in silence. that way if i take something the wrong way and go off, i won't end up looking like a fool. really, i think i just care too much what people think of me. i'm too self conscious. i over think everything i do. i worry about what i say or don't say. i don'…
the past few days have been strange. i've been thinking a lot of Jorai. i've been having a lot of visions of her. the bad visions. the ultrasound to confirm her heart stopped, her birth, wishing i would have bathed her, held her more, taken in the sight of hermore, taken more photos...they go on and on. i envision her little body in my arms, over and over again. i don't know why this is happening. i wish i could hold to the happy thoughts of her, rather than the regrets.

i wonder if it's all the hormones pumping through my body right now. the past couple of days, i've been really weepy and tired too. i guess i'm just worried that i will always hold tight to the terrifying thoughts of Jorai, rather than the happy ones. i want to share Jorai's love and life with any future children we have. i want to keep her in our family.

my grandmother lost a child right after birth because of a drunk doctor. my mom tells me that she never talked about that c…
i'm exhausted. i just can't seem to get my wits about me. the exhaustion didn't come on so quickly with Jorai. i get about 10 hours of sleep a night and still wake up exhausted. it's absolutely amazing how quickly my body has been changing. it's so cool. i find that God's creation of life is so far beyond my comprehension. to think that this crazy swimmy thing can connect with a tiny egg to create life, and then it all happens within my body. the food i eat, the exercise i exert, the drink i take, everything i do helps support this life growing within me. how cool is that?!

i still get scared a bit. every twinge takes my thoughts instantly to thinking i'm losing the baby. but for the majority, i just feel blessed. someone asked me the other day if we thought we were having a boy or girl, and to tell you the truth, i hadn't even thought of it. i was just so happy to have a child growing within me. there's life growing again within me. it…
**mood:light headed
**noise:someone mowing their yard

the doctors appointment went well. everything looks good. my doctor rocks. she actually wants to write a book about prenatal loss both from the physician point of view and the parents. she asked me to be apart of it. i think that would be super cool. anyway, she said they will monitor me more closely, maybe every 3 weeks instead of 4 and as soon as they can do a ultrasound, they'll schedule it. it makes me feel both loved and watched over to be cared for so well. she isn't concerned with anything, she just wants me to feel comforted. i do.

she did want me to go to the lab for some blood work though. i just got back. something didn't go well. the tech inserted the needle and then moved it and i had a sharp pain through my arm. she them moved it again and i had another sharp pain. she finally took it out and tried a different size needle in my other arm...it worked. but my arm is still throbbing. and to top …
**mood:still sleepy..newly amazed
**noise:my work monitor buzzing...it's really annoying

i had bad heartburn throughout my pregnancy with Jorai. which was strange seeing that i never had heartburn before. i didn't even know that's what it was until late may. i just realized that for the first time in 4 months, i have heartburn again. although i still hate it, the continual burn on my sternum feels like an old friend. i really am pregnant again, aren't i?

in other news, i had a patient give me a hug today when i told her that i was pregnant again. that was cool. i love my job. so many of my patients are really wonderful to work with.

in the last bit of news...today is the first day that i've worked 2 days in a row since may. i'm exhausted. i'm appreciating my husband in exuberant amounts right now.
**mood: exhausted since my husband woke me up at 4:50...not happy...
**noise: my husband breathing and turning pages

so i feel a bit silly...i took another pregnancy test this morning. this is my last, i swear...there have been 6 now...but i just can't seem to believe that i'm actually pregnant again. i don't feel like i did the last time i was pregnant. my brain still thinks i'm 7 months along. and 7 months along is a lot different than 4 weeks...which is apparently what i turned yesterday. well, anyway, i just had this feeling that i wasn't pregnant. and i was afraid to go to the doctors and have them look at me with those bad news eyes and tell me that there must have been an error with the tests because i'm not pregnant.

but i am. another positive. and when steve woke me up...still not happy about it...i was famished. i haven't been this hungry in 4 months. so i made faken bacon and blueberry waffles. yummie. but i'm still sleepy. silly husba…
the nausea and hunger has already begun. oye!

for the first time in months, i forgot to take my prenatal vitamin last night...ahhh, ya gotta love the pregnancy brain loss!...so, well, i took it this morning, which might account for the nausea. at least that's what i'm hoping for. i had such a wonderful pregnancy with Jorai. i was really only queasy when i was hungry and truly only had about 2 weeks of slightly continuous nausea. but ya never know. i'm a bit nervous about being nauseous the entire 1st trimester. which really, i could care less about. i'm pregnant. that's all the matters...but it would be difficult. as is today. i'm trying to get ministry stuff accomplished and all i want to do is crawl on the couch and watch movies.

my first obgyn appointment is this thursday at 9am. guess it all works out that my boss changed my work day this week. i usually have to work on thursdays. when i called, the receptionist was super excited for us. it&…

mind tricks

my mind keeps reminding me that it's time to buy a car seat and all the other baby 'essentials'. it's like my brain doesn't register the past four months ever happening. my brain thinks i'm 7 months pregnant, not 3 weeks. it's very bizarre. we have until around june 9 to get things ready, but my brain still thinks we only have 3 months. i can't describe it...it's just really silly.

i was a bit crampY yesterday....nothing bad and i don't think it had anything to do with the baby. i was really active and so i think it was just strains, but they scared me. other than that, i was just super excited and felt amazingly blessed. i have a feeling that's how i'll feel for the next 8 months. uberly blessed and excited, yet freaked out with any lack of movement or pain or some other fear. but i can't dwell on that. i need to be positive.

i can't wait to call my doctor this morning!