the past few days have been strange. i've been thinking a lot of Jorai. i've been having a lot of visions of her. the bad visions. the ultrasound to confirm her heart stopped, her birth, wishing i would have bathed her, held her more, taken in the sight of her more, taken more photos...they go on and on. i envision her little body in my arms, over and over again. i don't know why this is happening. i wish i could hold to the happy thoughts of her, rather than the regrets.
i wonder if it's all the hormones pumping through my body right now. the past couple of days, i've been really weepy and tired too. i guess i'm just worried that i will always hold tight to the terrifying thoughts of Jorai, rather than the happy ones. i want to share Jorai's love and life with any future children we have. i want to keep her in our family.
my grandmother lost a child right after birth because of a drunk doctor. my mom tells me that she never talked about that child and if the child was ever brought up, my grandmother would cry. this scares me. i know there will be tears for life. but i also want there to be joy. i want to share Jorai with our children. i want them to know that they have a sister in Heaven.
i feel like this pregnancy is going to seem very long. the past week, seemed like a month. a happy month!! but a long one. i kept thinking i was losing the baby. i have dreams of miscarriage. every time i go to the bathroom, i look for blood. it's scary. i do feel blessed. each day i feel blessed that i have another day with this child, but i feel the nerves too.
my emotions have been all over the place since june...oye...it will be nice to feel emotionally stable again!
i wonder if it's all the hormones pumping through my body right now. the past couple of days, i've been really weepy and tired too. i guess i'm just worried that i will always hold tight to the terrifying thoughts of Jorai, rather than the happy ones. i want to share Jorai's love and life with any future children we have. i want to keep her in our family.
my grandmother lost a child right after birth because of a drunk doctor. my mom tells me that she never talked about that child and if the child was ever brought up, my grandmother would cry. this scares me. i know there will be tears for life. but i also want there to be joy. i want to share Jorai with our children. i want them to know that they have a sister in Heaven.
i feel like this pregnancy is going to seem very long. the past week, seemed like a month. a happy month!! but a long one. i kept thinking i was losing the baby. i have dreams of miscarriage. every time i go to the bathroom, i look for blood. it's scary. i do feel blessed. each day i feel blessed that i have another day with this child, but i feel the nerves too.
my emotions have been all over the place since june...oye...it will be nice to feel emotionally stable again!
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