Showing posts from December, 2009


Today felt different. I was happy playing with Asher for the first time since losing Selah. I really enjoyed laughing with him. We had 2 unexpected visitors and both warmed my heart. I didn't think I was ready, but it felt good to converse with people.

But now as I'm settling down for bed, I'm feeling sad again. I miss Selah. The darkness isn't there, nor is the heaviness, but the hurt is. The emptiness is. The pang of sorrow when I hear about others excitement about pregnancy and babies is. I just miss Selah so much. She was taken too soon from my life. I feel like such a little girl for saying this, but it's just not fair. I can't say anything else, but how much I miss her tonight. I wish I was able to feel her kicking me once again. I wish I could feel how velvety soft her skin was again.

I miss you baby girl. I'll miss you 'til the day I die.

Doctors appointment

Sitting in the waiting room sucked. There was only 1 woman, but of course she was majorly pregnant, which didn't really bother me until the DO came out to talk to her about her c-section tomorrow and I had to sit there and hear how bloody excited she was and how she couldn't wait to see his face and meet him and name him...I left. I couldn't stand to hear her excitement. I understood it...but I couldn't hear it. So I waited in the hallway until she left, then I walked back in.

The appointment was actually pretty meaningless with the exception that we talked about genetic counseling. They still haven't received the results back from Selah's samples. I learned that they gave her a gross autopsy, which means, they checked her, the umbilical cord and the placenta out, but no cuts were made to look inside of her. Our doctor will call as soon as she gets the results back.

As far as our genetic counseling, we talked about starting with Steve because it's so …

The dreaded appointment

Tomorrow I have my first post baby appointment. I'm not sure if they'll already have the test results back from Selah or not, but I'm nervous. I'm nervous to hear what our fate may be. We'll still need to do our genetic counseling, which is another big conversation we'll have tomorrow as well. It's just all so scary. I mean, could it just be a supplement that maybe I need to start taking? Could I really try to get pregnant again and have a successful pregnancy and delivery? Or is it fatal...Will nothing we do help? Is it just a girl thing? Or was Asher just a miracle baby? So many questions and they all seem so scary to me. So many of my hopes are riding on test results and doctor's opinions. I always thought that finding the right man to marry was the hard part...or maybe the getting pregnant I'm realizing that for us, it's keeping our babies alive.

I'm just so nervous about tomorrow. So in an effort to really try to ho…

'God only gives you what you can handle'

I've been thinking a lot about this statement. So many people use it. I've used it. I used to think it was biblical, but from what I can's really not. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says
'But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.' But that's temptation...not bad things happening. So unless, proven otherwise, I think the above quote is crap. Total and utter crap. If it's not, then explain suicide? Why do people end it all when things get too tough? I mean, if God truly only gives us what we can handle, then why for some, is it their breaking point? And why when people go through shitty stuff, do Christians tell them to read Job? Is it to make them feel like crap for being so weak and …

Christmas without my daughters.

It's almost Christmas day. It's 9 minutes away. Tomorrow morning I should be celebrating with my 3 children. But instead, there will be only 1. Upstairs lies my sweet miracle baby boy, whom I love so very much. But my 2 beautiful girls are no where to be seen. I know they're whooping it up in Heaven for one kick ass birthday party, but I'd rather them here. Selfishly, I just want them here.

I was watching all the families tonight at church. Brothers and sisters. Some teasing one another, some poking at each other and some snuggling up with one another. I remember my childhood Christmas' with my 2 older brothers. They are such fond memories. I loved my brothers so. I looked up to them and always wanted to be close to them. I keep wondering if Asher will ever have that. That bond of a sibling. The thought of my inability to give him that is overwhelming at times.'s midnight. It's Christmas morning. Merry Christmas Jorai. Merry Chr…

Selah Mae

Here are some of the pictures of Selah we got back from Kristy through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. The last one of Steve breaks my heart.

life with a toddler and 2 dead babies

I always hated seeing those words. dead baby. I always thought that there was a better way to say it. Maybe it's the bitterness that makes me chose those words instead of others. I don't know.

Life has been challenging the past 3 days. I've been trying to be happy and energetic for Asher. He already senses something has happened. He won't let us out of his sight. When he can't see us, he starts wailing and he clings to us when we pick him up. This morning he clung to me the entire time I was upstairs getting him something to wear and then again in the living room while watching Curious George, he crawled up, hung on tight to my neck and wrapped his feet around my waist as he laid his head on my shoulder. He stayed in that position for 15 minutes. He's never done that. So I'm trying to be 'normal' for him. It's been challenging.

Eating is hard. We have food, but nothing tastes good. I'm hungry, but what's the point? I reme…

tear stained cheeks

I hate crying. I feel drained. In the hospital, between starting the process, and the moment before giving birth, I didn't cry. I was dry. I had cried all the tears my body had for 24 hours and I laid there emotionless. Drained and dry. But the moment they placed Selah on my chest, the sobs came once again and they haven't stopped. When people are around, I'm OK, but as soon as I sit alone, they come. hard and fast. drowning me. blinding me.

I took out the blanket that wrapped around Selah today. I looked at the blood stains and wept. Baby blankets aren't suppose to have blood stains. I pulled out the cap they placed on her too little head and noticed it there too. blood.

I keep thinking about my two little girls. I always dreamed I would have a daughter and now I have two, but I will never be able to enjoy them or get to know them here on earth and that kills me. No one should have to go through a loss like this...but twice? That's messed up.

I kee…

Selah's story

My pregnancy with Selah was alike to Jorai's. I was blissfully ignorant. There were a few times where I was a bit scared with Selah, but all in all, I was happy and enjoying my pregnancy and awaiting the birth of another daughter...yes, we knew Selah was a girl, not officially, but we knew. Just as we knew Jorai was a girl. But then the darkness fell.

Saturday, Steve, Asher and I were up in Big Rapids celebrating Christmas with my folks and brother and fam. Around 3:30ish, my brother and I were talking and he asked 'So, are you feeling a lot of movement?' And of course I said 'Yeah, tons'...since she was such a mover and shaker. But then I thought, when was the last time she moved? So I started to monitor it and of course, nothing. I kept sneaking out of our Christmas celebration to drink OJ and lay down to poke and prod at my belly, just hoping and praying for movement. Nothing.

I knew. I knew she was gone. But I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn&…

gutted again

I hate doing this online...I hate sharing horrible news on this blog before everyone I care about knows first hand, but I can't sleep and I need to scream. And truthfully, I don't have the guts nor strength to talk anymore.

Some time today we lost our baby. We found out the fate of our child in a cold hospital room, but I already new in my heart that we had lost another child. This was my third pregnancy. We lost Jorai at 28 weeks, birthed an amazingly awesome screaming boy 18 months ago, and now, lost this child just shy of 24 weeks.

I'm lost. I'm gutted. I'm numb. I'm pissed. Really pissed. My faith is weak right now. It's teetering really. On the verge of falling, if I'm being honest. I had a hard enough time finding peace with our first child being taken away, but now another one? And the fact that I have to deliver and hold another lifeless body makes my ache all over.

I've been shaking since we got into the car to drive to the hospi…

Baby movie

This movie looks so cool! I can't wait to see it. It takes 4 babies from 4 different counties, Namibia, Cambodia, Japan and the US and it chronicles their lives for 1 year. So cool. Check out the trailer.

It's business time baby

Steve went to a LUSH store to pick up a Christmas present for me the other night while he was on his way to a guys night out. While he was there, he worked the store employee's hard and was able to score tons of samples. The cool thing about LUSH samples, is that their products are so pricey, it's hard to shell out the dough on things just to try them...but with a sample, you can try it and then buy it if you like it.

Every morning, Steve has been leaving me a LUSH sample to find and use. It's been like the 12 days of Christmas. It's been so cool. My favorite so far? A massage bar called 'Business Time'. Yup...Business Time. Love the the the was wonderful as a massage bar, but I think it would be lovely for a thick lotion as well. It's lovely. Go check it out here.

Please join iGive for the National Stillbirth Society. is going to attempt to donate $5,000 in just 24 hours to National Stillbirth Society Inc.

For each person who joins iGive using the special link below and does just one web search on our site between now and noon Thursday, they'll give National Stillbirth Society Inc. a dollar.

5,000 new members, $5,000. No purchase necessary.

Of course, if you search more (or buy something) you'll earn even more money for National Stillbirth Society Inc..Right now, they're donating $.02 per search and a bonus $5 for that first purchase plus the usual percentage. There are tons of online shops connected through iGive.

This is the link:

The details:
- Offer active between now and 11:59 a.m., December 17, 2009 (Chicago time).
- New members only (never have been an iGive member previously). All the normal rules of membership, searching, and purchasing apply, our site has the details.
- Once they've given awa…