Doctors appointment
Sitting in the waiting room sucked. There was only 1 woman, but of course she was majorly pregnant, which didn't really bother me until the DO came out to talk to her about her c-section tomorrow and I had to sit there and hear how bloody excited she was and how she couldn't wait to see his face and meet him and name him...I left. I couldn't stand to hear her excitement. I understood it...but I couldn't hear it. So I waited in the hallway until she left, then I walked back in.
The appointment was actually pretty meaningless with the exception that we talked about genetic counseling. They still haven't received the results back from Selah's samples. I learned that they gave her a gross autopsy, which means, they checked her, the umbilical cord and the placenta out, but no cuts were made to look inside of her. Our doctor will call as soon as she gets the results back.
As far as our genetic counseling, we talked about starting with Steve because it's so expensive. And our doctor thinks it's probably coming on his side since we carried Asher to term without complication. But after I talked to the insurance agent, it looks like it'll be covered 100% so I think we'll both get tested right away...Now the right away part is hard...Steve already has his appointment made, but it's not until early February. Which I guess is OK, since we wouldn't want to try again for a baby until late spring, but I'd like to get the ball rolling, especially if we need to use in-vitro.
So yea, in-vitro...we're all just guessing at this point...but if it's a problem with Steve's x chromosome carrying sperm, we could use in-vitro to pick out his y sperm and create another boy. We could also do the old fashion method and 'eliminate' any girls once conceived...but since that's totally against what we believe in, we've chosen against that method. In-vitro kind of freaks me out a bit...but if we want another biological child, that may be our only option...but again, this is all just speculation at this point.
Also, I haven't really mentioned this, but there were a lot of things that were discussed with us and memorials made for Jorai, that never happened with Selah. Out of the 3 nurses we had, and all 3 were wonderful, none of them had heard about NILMDTS. I wanted to send L&D some great literature and sites after Jorai passed, but I never did. Now with Selah and having such different experiences, I want to do something. So, I asked my doctor if I wanted to send Labor and Delivery a letter, could I send it through her and she actually stated that there were things she wanted to talk to them about too and that maybe we could set up a meeting with them. So, that's pretty cool. I need to get my stuff together...a lot of it already exists and a great site is already made, called whispered support, but I want to get more info and maybe help them, if they want, develop procedures so all families get the same mementos and advice. So yeah, that was it. I wasn't examined....We got little news about Selah and just speculation about genetic counseling, but at least the ball is rolling.
I've had a few hard days in a row now. I just feel this heavy burden on my shoulders. I feel weighed down and even my shoulders slump forward with imaginary weights pushing down on me. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel some sense of joy. I want to get back into the world and see friends and talk to friends, but there's just something pushing me down, something stopping me. My cheeks hurt from the pressure of a permanent frown that's plastered on my face. Smiles come when Asher's being a wild man or surprising me in the shower...but they mostly elude me. I want to feel happiness again. I know it will return. I know it will come soon. I already feel a little normalcy returning, but it's hard.
I think one of the hardest parts is just being in this world where normal is happening all around me. And I feel as if I'm stuck in Ecclesiates where it says "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity."...meaningless! meaningless!" everything is meaningless.". When you lose someone...or at least when I lose someone, everything you normally do, everything the people around you are doing is so meaningless. You can't watch tv or have everyday conversations with people because it's all so bloody meaningless. The world as you know it has changed, so you try to make sense of it or find your new normal, but it eludes you for days, weeks...maybe months...so you try to live in this new life and deal with things that are so utterly meaningless, but that normally would be meaningful...and it's just so hard. So you stay in the confines of your house, wishing you could muster the strength to call a friend or visit a friends, but again, the strength eludes you.
I kinda feel as if I'm drowning. I want to be saved, but there's no one there to save me. Just a darkness that seems to surround me. At times I can see the light, but then the fog settles back in and I'm left alone...and I'm not alone...but no one can help, if that makes sense. And yes...I can read the comments already...'go to God'...'He can help'...'trust Him'....blah, blah, blah...I'm not there yet. And truthfully, I don't want His help at the moment. So maybe it's my own fault I feel this way, I don't know. But that's how I feel.
Conflicted....I want to see people, but I don't. I want to talk to people, but I don't...I want people to talk to me about Selah, but it's almost too hard...want to reach out, but I can't...totally and utterly conflicted. I hope this fog passes soon.
The appointment was actually pretty meaningless with the exception that we talked about genetic counseling. They still haven't received the results back from Selah's samples. I learned that they gave her a gross autopsy, which means, they checked her, the umbilical cord and the placenta out, but no cuts were made to look inside of her. Our doctor will call as soon as she gets the results back.
As far as our genetic counseling, we talked about starting with Steve because it's so expensive. And our doctor thinks it's probably coming on his side since we carried Asher to term without complication. But after I talked to the insurance agent, it looks like it'll be covered 100% so I think we'll both get tested right away...Now the right away part is hard...Steve already has his appointment made, but it's not until early February. Which I guess is OK, since we wouldn't want to try again for a baby until late spring, but I'd like to get the ball rolling, especially if we need to use in-vitro.
So yea, in-vitro...we're all just guessing at this point...but if it's a problem with Steve's x chromosome carrying sperm, we could use in-vitro to pick out his y sperm and create another boy. We could also do the old fashion method and 'eliminate' any girls once conceived...but since that's totally against what we believe in, we've chosen against that method. In-vitro kind of freaks me out a bit...but if we want another biological child, that may be our only option...but again, this is all just speculation at this point.
Also, I haven't really mentioned this, but there were a lot of things that were discussed with us and memorials made for Jorai, that never happened with Selah. Out of the 3 nurses we had, and all 3 were wonderful, none of them had heard about NILMDTS. I wanted to send L&D some great literature and sites after Jorai passed, but I never did. Now with Selah and having such different experiences, I want to do something. So, I asked my doctor if I wanted to send Labor and Delivery a letter, could I send it through her and she actually stated that there were things she wanted to talk to them about too and that maybe we could set up a meeting with them. So, that's pretty cool. I need to get my stuff together...a lot of it already exists and a great site is already made, called whispered support, but I want to get more info and maybe help them, if they want, develop procedures so all families get the same mementos and advice. So yeah, that was it. I wasn't examined....We got little news about Selah and just speculation about genetic counseling, but at least the ball is rolling.
I've had a few hard days in a row now. I just feel this heavy burden on my shoulders. I feel weighed down and even my shoulders slump forward with imaginary weights pushing down on me. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel some sense of joy. I want to get back into the world and see friends and talk to friends, but there's just something pushing me down, something stopping me. My cheeks hurt from the pressure of a permanent frown that's plastered on my face. Smiles come when Asher's being a wild man or surprising me in the shower...but they mostly elude me. I want to feel happiness again. I know it will return. I know it will come soon. I already feel a little normalcy returning, but it's hard.
I think one of the hardest parts is just being in this world where normal is happening all around me. And I feel as if I'm stuck in Ecclesiates where it says "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity."...meaningless! meaningless!" everything is meaningless.". When you lose someone...or at least when I lose someone, everything you normally do, everything the people around you are doing is so meaningless. You can't watch tv or have everyday conversations with people because it's all so bloody meaningless. The world as you know it has changed, so you try to make sense of it or find your new normal, but it eludes you for days, weeks...maybe months...so you try to live in this new life and deal with things that are so utterly meaningless, but that normally would be meaningful...and it's just so hard. So you stay in the confines of your house, wishing you could muster the strength to call a friend or visit a friends, but again, the strength eludes you.
I kinda feel as if I'm drowning. I want to be saved, but there's no one there to save me. Just a darkness that seems to surround me. At times I can see the light, but then the fog settles back in and I'm left alone...and I'm not alone...but no one can help, if that makes sense. And yes...I can read the comments already...'go to God'...'He can help'...'trust Him'....blah, blah, blah...I'm not there yet. And truthfully, I don't want His help at the moment. So maybe it's my own fault I feel this way, I don't know. But that's how I feel.
Conflicted....I want to see people, but I don't. I want to talk to people, but I don't...I want people to talk to me about Selah, but it's almost too hard...want to reach out, but I can't...totally and utterly conflicted. I hope this fog passes soon.
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