Showing posts from January, 2009


i wanna have a girls night full of dancing at spiral...any takers? i need to get out and shaka my rump shaka.


have you ever felt like you're just an afterthought?

lately, i've felt as if i'm invisible. i feel used and abused. i hate it. i'm fighting the feeling. i have been for awhile. i love being at home. i love watching asher grow and learn and i truly wouldn't want it any other way. i say that with all sincerity and honesty. but lately, i don't feel like a wife or a friend or a sister or daughter. sometimes i don't even feel like mama. i feel like a rug. i nurse and change and feed and change and dress and clean up puke and pee and poop off the floor. i change and wash and do dishes and make dinner and clean up the dishes and do more cleaning and do the laundry and change...then i nurse my son to sleep and breathe a sigh of relief for 15 minutes before i clean and fold and stuff diapers and organize...the list goes on and on.

i was telling steve the other day how i'm feeling more like his roommate than wife. and i know this is a phase. i know th…

asher week 34

asher week 33

asher update

asher's now 34 weeks 3 days. so roughly 7 1/2 months. crazy! 8 months ago i was pregnant. that is just crazy to me. i can't even think to what my life was like before a living baby graced my life. talk about change! i thought i'd start doing updates here to keep my friends and family in the know about all of asher's doings. so here we go...

asher now laughs at himself in pictures. i'm not sure if he knows it's him or if he thinks a baby is walking through the wall, but whatever the case, he laughs at themhe now zerberts, a lot. and he particularly likes to do it with a mouthful of yogurt. fun times.all of a sudden he'll burst into bouts of laughter. but not belly rolling laughter. it's more like 1 deep chuckle. then he'll wait for a few seconds and do it again. he'll just stare off in space and do it over and over again.he's a chatterbox in the mornings and after eating. he talks and talks and screams and talks. it's hila…

child loss resources

to write their names in the sand has developed a new website for families who have lost a child. they polled families who have lost children on what they wished they knew about or did with their child in their last moments with them. they wanted to make a brief and easy website that listed some things you can do to remember and honor your precious baby and list child loss resources.

there are so many things that i wish we did in the few brief hours we were withJorai. i wish we bathed her. i wish we took more pictures, especially of her naked body. there are so many things i wonder about her. did she have our birthmarks, our tall second toe, steve's many things. i wish we had contacted now i lay me down to sleep. suzanne asked if we wanted her to contact them for us and for some reason we chose not to. dumb. i wish more of my family and friends held her. i wish she touched more of my friends lives with her physical being. i wish we took her outside so the sun coul…

little boy memories

when do we start being able to recall memories?

as i was tending to some feminine issues today, i look up to see asher staring at me. i instantly got embarrassed and then the thought popped into my mind...will he remember this? when he grows up, is he going to recall all the times he's watched me poo or pick my nose or whatever else i usually only do in private?

asher's a bit attached to me. there are times i'm able to leave the room without him missing me, but for the most part, he has to see me. so, most times, i bring him along when i leave the room. i sit him in the hall so he can see me. i give him a toy to play with, hoping he'll look at that rather than me, and i go about my business. but today i guess i was more fun to look at. when i noticed his piercing eyes on me, i shut the door, just half way so i was hidden and of course he started to cry. he can't really want to see that. that's not good for anyone to see!

am i searing painful memories into…


i've known for some time now how working as a stay at home mom will affect us financially and for the most part, i'm fine with it. we do some finagling, we frugally shop, we don't eat out as much or buy what we want when we want it, unless we're lucky and find it at goodwill, and voila, we're getting by. but on a day like today, when i want to plan a trip to washington in the summer or arizona in february and i just can't justify it, it's frustrating. a trip to wasington with flight and car for the 3 of us will run almost a grand with the prices i've seen. a trip to arizona for just me and asher would be around $300. even the $300 i can't justify right now.

living 32 years without a child spoiled me i think. but now, working the hardest job i've ever had and not making a dime is hard. i have all the vacation time in the world, but nothing to vacation on.

this isn't a bummer post. i'm not complaining. i wouldn't change my situa…

car naps

asher's always been a car sleeper. which can be a wonderful yet frustrating thing. for instance, if i want to leave anytime in the afternoon that's further than 1 mile away, i have to be ok with spending some time in a running car, because asher will inevitably fall asleep. it's a given. but lately, he'll wake up within 5 minutes of me stopping car. so even though i'm being quiet and wasting time on the internet, he'll wake. it won't matter if he running on empty and has only been asleep for 10 minutes, he'll wake up.

today he slept from 10:45-11:30 for his morning nap. not a shabby nap for my child. we then loaded the car and drove to the doc's to get some blood test results. which were swimmingly. the doc told me that my vitamin d count is high and my hemoglobin is one of the highest she's seen in a women. which i have no idea what that means, other than it's good. anyway, we played at sparrow with papa for a bit and then got b…

yea fun!

what's better than a night full of yummy omi sushi roll fun?

a night full of yummy omi sushi roll fun followed by a 3 hour lost premier!

yea fun!!!!

the newman hacienda is open, as always, to anyone interested in partaking in a little lost action. enjoy the show.

my little connoisseur

we started giving asher solid food on the 28th of december. we started with oatmeal mixed with breast milk and he loved it. we then tried sweet potatoes and he loved that. we tried bananas, not a big fan of those but we didn't get the crazy face or shivers we were hoping for. then came avocados, again a big fan and then apple sauce. really liked the applesauce and then carrots, yup, loving the carrots. today we tried peas. a part of me was waiting for the 'oh gross!' reaction, but no, he loved the peas.

my boys an eater. big time. he gets done and his little tummy is all distended. but i'm not forcing him to eat, he just keeps actively opening up his mouth and leaning towards the spoon. it's crazy. tonight he ate an ounce each of applesauce, peas, sweet potato and carrots with about 1 1/2 tablespoons of oatmeal. craziness.

i think we'll try pears on wednesday. i'm making all of his food. i'm not sure how long this will last, but i've re…

week 32

week 31

week 30

week 29

Week 28

baby loss in marley and me

i've been thinking about posting this since i returned from marley and me on monday. great movie. i laughed, i cried and i was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't a chick flick as people told me it was. what i wasn't pleasantly surprised in was the miscarriage scene. i had no idea it was coming, but as soon as it started my heart ached.

mama's who have lost babies, here's your warning. it's not the typical miscarriage scene. they go in to see the first ultrasound and the nurse can't find the heartbeat, so she leaves to get the doctor. anyone who has had this happen to them, knows these feelings too well and watching it get played out in a movie crushed me. it brought me right back to the exam table i laid on waiting and watching the nurse and then doctor try to find Jorai's heartbeat. it brought me back to the earth crushing sound of 'i'm sorry' falling from the doctor's lips and watching my husbands face change from hope to utte…

private practice

i just watched last nights private practice since asher's sleeping. i shouldn't have. they not only pissed me off, but they showed my worst nightmare. my child dying because i did or didn't do something.

the premise was that a mom didn't vaccine her younger 2 sons because after vaccinating her eldest son, he became autistic. she wanted to spare her other 2 sons from autism while hoping they don't get sick.

while i don't believe vaccines are linked to autism, i do believe they are linked to a whole slew of other debilitating diseases like epilepsy, type 2 diabetes and many, many others including death. on the flip side...i do think they're linked to a healthier society. in my parents youth, there were some crazy diseases out there and a lot of people were affected and died from them.

so i'm in the middle road of when and what to vaccinate for. so far asher has remained unvaccinated. again, i believe in vaccines. they just scare the living shit of of…

new life

a year ago i trimmed the orchid steve and i received after Jorai's passing. i trimmed it because i had gotten on a orchid care webpage and it told me after the blooms die away to trim the stem down. as soon as i trimmed it, i knew that i had done something wrong. i watched it for a year, slowly dying. it's haunted me. this orchid meant so much to me. it's beauty and delicateness reminded me of my sweet baby girl. i loved seeing the dainty flowers each day. and then when they started to fall, my heart sank because as it's dying petals fell to the ground it mirrored my dying hope of having laughter and cries fill my life.

and then i trimmed it and it was gone. it wasn't growing back, the leaves wilted and my hopes of seeing it's flowers again faded. it was hard for me to look at so i finally put it in our japanese dining room, which we haven't been using. the other day i went in there to see this.

my baby girl's orchid is coming back to life! i can…


at 6:30 this morning asher woke with the tell tale 'i'm wet' hip thrusts. he was in a disposable! and it wasn't even super soaked. did i mention he was in a disposable?

so, of course i changed him...and of course he went crazy with thrashing and yelling and kicking. ugh. maybe i could find a hose contraption that attaches to his little boyness, that could drain all the urine away rather than use diapers. maybe i should invent something.

i wish i could just change him in the night because this is getting ridiculous. sleeping shouldn't be this rough. and why doesn't it happen during the day or in day naps? why is it happen just at night? i need solutions people. i'm about ready to go buy some depends and duct tape.

my love-hate relationship with cloth diapers

when i was pregnant, all i wanted, in my cloth diaper fantasy, was to always place a soft cloth against my child's bottom. disposables are nice. they're easy...but there's something about cloth that makes me happy. i just love the softness of cloth and the cute little apple bottom it gives babies! HA! it makes me feel good to wrap my baby in cloth. but i've had about enough of the leaks.

my friends babies don't leak this much. i can't figure out our problem. it's gotten significantly better. rarely, does asher's diaper leak during the day and in the past month, we've only had a few leaks during the night, but we've had 2 in 4 nights. and the turmoil that ensues is horrendous.

first we have the tell tale waking baby boy who thrusts his hips to the air, over, and over again. then we have the screaming and convulsing little boy when i start to undress him. this continues throughout the changing and redressing which makes it incredibly di…

mirrored feelings

i know i've talked about to write their names in the sand before, but i just can't stop feeling gratitude from the mama who started this organization. she too lost a baby. a son, Christian. in losing him, she too became pregnant quickly and birthed a beautiful baby girl. just as i lost Jorai and then got quickly pregnant with asher.

her latest blog entry was like reading my own thoughts, my own reflections. i want to post her last entry, as it's an entry i would make. just as her Christian would have been 2 soon, Jorai's 2nd birthday is in 6 months. these birthdays are so bittersweet. 7 days after celebrating Jorai's birthday, we'll be celebrating asher's first birthday. i miss my baby girl everyday...and in saying that, i wouldn't be loving my sweet baby boy every day now if we hadn't lost Jorai.

i've felt guilt over this time and time again. i've felt overwhelming love and joy looking at asher one second and then felt agonizing g…

resolutions vs goals

i didn't make a resolution this year. for me to make a resolution is silly. i never keep them. they usually involve losing weight or becoming more fit and well, it just doesn't happen because i hate working out. thus screwing up both for the past few years i didn't make them.

this year, i've decided to make goals. so, to remind myself and to let other know, to keep me accountable, here are my goals.

get my sorry, lazy, lame arse back in the Word. thank you riv for making that a bit easier with the text...but even more so, get in the word!make my marriage my second priority. i love you asher, but mama needs to keep Jesus first and papa second in her life. i'll be a better mama if i keep things in check.stop taking my awesome husband for granted and remember to encourage and lift him up daily.i've really grown in this goal over the past few years, but i want to learn even more to shut my flappin' trap and simply open my ears and heart. l…

asher's new years resolution

was sleep. well, he didn't tell me so, but his actions since the night of the 1st seem to validate my theory. i'm really trying not to get excited or think that by any means this will stick, but i am loving the extra sleep. i am waiting for the ball to drop though.

after 6 months of waking up at least 3 times each night and then after 2 weeks of nonstop wakings throughout the night, here's the lowdown.

the night of the 1st he slept from 7-12, 12:15-5:30 and then 5:45-8.

the night of the 2nd he slept from 8-4 and 4:30-8

last night he slept from 8:30-4:30 and 5-9

i can't even begin to tell you how much energy i have. i feel like bouncing off the walls!

in other baby news, asher has been on oatmeal for a week now and just yesterday we started sweet potatoes. he wasn't sure about the sweet potatoes, but we'll keep a'tryin'.

this morning he decided it was time to start walking in his walker. though he's taken a few steps here and there in it, this morning…