mirrored feelings

i know i've talked about to write their names in the sand before, but i just can't stop feeling gratitude from the mama who started this organization. she too lost a baby. a son, Christian. in losing him, she too became pregnant quickly and birthed a beautiful baby girl. just as i lost Jorai and then got quickly pregnant with asher.

her latest blog entry was like reading my own thoughts, my own reflections. i want to post her last entry, as it's an entry i would make. just as her Christian would have been 2 soon, Jorai's 2nd birthday is in 6 months. these birthdays are so bittersweet. 7 days after celebrating Jorai's birthday, we'll be celebrating asher's first birthday. i miss my baby girl everyday...and in saying that, i wouldn't be loving my sweet baby boy every day now if we hadn't lost Jorai.

i've felt guilt over this time and time again. i've felt overwhelming love and joy looking at asher one second and then felt agonizing guilt the next for loving him when i ache for Jorai. at first, these feelings scared me. i now know that this is pure and simple grief. this is darkness. what i know now, is that Jorai came into our lives for a reason and that reason did not involve an earthly presence. what i have come to realize is that her life means so much more than an earthly presence. though i may not be able to kiss her sweet cheeks and watch her grow here on earth, i can love her just as much whether she is here with us or not. and the coolest thing is that God has used her presence in our lives to teach me so much and change me unbelievably. i still get guilt twinges every now and then, but mostly, i just feel gratitude. gratitude to have known such an amazing baby girl. joy for feeling her grow within me. thankfulness for the few hours we were able to hold her and an immeasurable feeling of blessing to have been given a second chance of motherhood.

here are carly's words...which is exactly what i feel, each day.

I always wonder why these children come into our lives but don't stay very long. Some of them live only in their mama's wombs. They leave this place before even taking a breath. Straight to Heaven. I guess it isn't really big news to anyone when I say that my heart is feeling pretty heavy at the moment. I miss Christian right now more than I have in months. He will be 2 in just under 3 weeks. Everything at this time of the year reminds me of him. The still summer nights, the tropical flowers in my garden, The burnt coloured sunsets and mainly the happy atmosphere that comes with all the public holidays. I have been thinking about how I have changed as a person since Christian came into my life and left.

I have learned how to love.... really love,
learned to loves others,
learned to love myself,
learned to love my living children more deeply than I would have before,
learned how to really feel alive,
and learned how to to appreciate the simplest of things.

I have found God and yes I love Him,
found my purpose in life,
found TRUE happiness and yes it isn't the same as before Christian was born... its better, more rich and not what I expected.
found true spirituality,
found that grieving isn't all ugly, it can be made intensely beautiful, but you have to make it that way,
I have found myself.

I have learned how to rise above my intense sadness,
rise above others forgetting,
rise above heartless comments,
rise above my own bitterness
and I rose above the unknowing of if it would happen again.

I am thankful for Christian's short life,
I am thankful that I live in a day and age where I was able to hold my son for as long as I wanted.
I am thankful for all the people that have come into my life because Christian left. All of my friendships are rich and true. They are honest friendships and I would not want it any other way.
I am thankful I have a beautiful supportive family.
I am thankful that God gave me a rainbow. I now have my River Eve. She would not be here if Christian had of lived. How bitter sweet.

This time 2 years ago I was pregnant. Christian was kicking me. His heart was beating and I was blissfully unaware of what was to come. If you could have poked me on the shoulder to tell me that this is where I would end up I would never believe you. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have a little boy come into my life and make this incredible impact on me, when he would never take a breath of air.

My life is rich, it is filled up by emotions that I wish all people could feel at least once in their lifetime.

If you have lost someone what has that grief taught you? What have you allowed it to teach you? Have you allowed it to drown you? Are you drowing? Are you holding onto Hope? Did you find God? Did you turn away from God? What are you making from your loss? I think all of the above questions I have been through.

I am a better person, I am an honest person, I am a beautiful person and it is all because of Him. There are so many things that I can still be and Christian's life is teaching them to me slowly I know I need to be better friend, a more grateful daughter, a stronger mother and at the top of my list is I need to be a more loving wife. But in spite of all that I know I need to be I have come a long way and when I say a long way I really mean it.

thank you for all that you do carly. you are an awesome woman and an amazing mama. thank you for helping all of us who have lost a child, find a great way to memorialize their life. you're truly are a blessing.