Showing posts from September, 2010

22 weeks

In a few days, the baby hits 22 weeks. I've been feeling strange lately and it scares me. I'm hopeful. Hopeful! Having a potential name picked out and dreaming of holding a wiggly baby is seriously making me believe that this may truly happen. Which of course scares me. I know that things can go wrong. I know I could lose this child. I know all the bad stuff...but again, my hope has been over riding the fear. Strange.

It's a wonderful, yet petrifying feeling. But I'm going to run with it. Here's to a healthy baby boy. Oh, and the name...we're thinking seriously about Judah.

Dinner ideas

I used to love cooking and baking. I loved creating new and exciting and healthy meals for me and then for Steve. I loved trying new recipes and planning a night full of yummy food...I would bring leftovers to work for my lunch, I would bake yummy breads and cakes and cookies. But then Asher came into our lives and though my fondness of preparing meals still lingers, the energy and drive to do it is much lacking.

I know I've talk about this before, but I need to change. I need to get my act together. I feel as if I'm a huge failure in the dinner department. My husband rocks. Seriously rocks. And could honestly care less if all nights are FFY nights (fend for yourself nights). But I want to honor him with healthy, yummy meals. I want our child(ren) to have yummy family meals as I did growing up...minus the fish soup, liver and cornbread and beans...sorry mom! I want us to sit around a table and eat a meal that I cooked. Not something I've thrown together at th…


I had a huge slap in the face moment at Riv tonight as Noel gave a message on worry. I'm actually not a huge worrier...with the exception of 1 thing...death. Not my own. But Asher's and this new little boy growing within me. I think I have good reason, but I also know that if I trusted God, my worry would be easier to deal with. Or at least I would know that I could always go to Him with my worry.

But what finally came crashing in on me was this...I don't trust God anymore. I mean, I trust that His plan for my life and for Steve's life and for my children's lives, will come to fruition. I trust that. His will, will be done. What I don't trust is that I'll get the outcome that I want. In fact, I feel as if there's nothing I can do, to get the outcome I want. And normally it wouldn't be a problem. It's not a job I want, or a bigger house, or a puppy. It's not money or power or a dream to come true. If it were...then I'd be …

Sweet boy, you're going to be the death of me!

Oh, my dear son. I love you so. You bring my such joy and laughter, such pride and love. But there's one more thing you bring me...closer to my death bed each and every day! My goodness child! You are a crazy, wild man who looks at fate and laughs! You're a dare devil. You like all things dangerous and the word fear has never entered your mind. You run and jump and dive and fall into anything. You are trusting of both yourself and others to always protect you. You freak me out!

This summer I witnessed you several times, jump from the top of your 3-foot toddler slide, and fall into a belly flop into your pool. I've watched you learn to ride a bike with training wheels...and keep up with a 3 1/2 year old! I've watched you want to climb a tree already (thanks papa for entertaining him and placing him high up in the branches so now he wants to do it on every tree!). I've seen you leap a good 2 feet in the air on the deep end of the pool, sink under the wa…

sweet baby punkin' buns

OK, so I don't have a nickname for this little guy growing within me...if I'm being completely honest, I haven't even started his pregnancy book, which I've had for all 21 weeks of pregnancy. But I need to do both.

I'm thinking stink for a nickname, but I want to wait for a little longer. Why stink? Because he's a stinker. He likes to lay low, all stealth like, freaking me out the entire time...but the minute I pull out the doppler and place it against my skin, he kicks or punches or headbutts it off. I barely even press down and he goes crazy. Little stink. He'll also go crazy if Asher sits on my lap. But most days, all day, I barely feel him. Which I know is normal. I'm only 21 weeks...but it still freaks me out like nothing else. Which is why it's such a lovely thing that I purchased that stinkin' doppler. I love that thing! I know it may make some a bit more anxious, but for me, it was worth every penny spent.

I keep getting as…

Día de los Inocentes

This year, we are celebrating a new family tradition. Día de los Inocentes or The Day of the Innocents. It's the first day, which there are 3, of The Day of the Dead. It begins on November 1st. We'll be celebrating Day of the Dead as well on November 2nd.

I never knew much about the holiday itself, other than it was from Mexico and involved a lot of sweets and skulls. Growing up in a small, very white, farming community, we didn't learn many things out of our own 'culture'. But come to find out, it's a super sweet Mexican holiday that focuses on gathering family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have passed.

Last year, a friend of mine asked if she and her family could include Jorai in their Day of the Dead celebrations and it was then, that I really learned what it is. And I thought, how brilliant! Not only do we have another opportunity to remember and share our daughters lives with our son(s), but we'll have oppor…


I wish I could trust like I used to. I wish I could have faith like I used to. Before we lost our daughters, I felt as if my faith was unshakable. As if nothing could rock the trust I had. And then June 3rd, 2007 came...and I was rocked...not to the core...but still rocked. My faith came crashing in. My faith hit a road block. But after the initial crushing pain dissipated a bit, I realized that maybe, just maybe losing Jorai happened for a reason. Maybe there is something positive that could shine through this darkness. And for awhile, my trust didn't seem to be so distant. My faith, I realized was still standing.

But then came Selah and once again, I was rocked to the core...though this time I felt different. I felt a darkness I've never felt before. I felt it to my core. I felt torn. Ripped actually. Ripped from my faith. Ripped from my trust. Though I know Truth and Love...I know it stands waiting for me to return, I just can't seem to trust it.

I wis…

Just sitting here, at the end of my rope.

Today has been one of those mornings. A morning where you're embarrassed that you're a mom to a child like yours and the mere thought of that, makes you sick and ungrateful as well.

I have loving and tolerant friends. I know they love me and put up with my child, but I'm afraid that a day is coming where no one will want to play with us anymore. And that saddens me. I would totally understand it. But it saddens me.

Asher is a loving, good kid. I love him dearly and madly. But at times he can be an aggressive bully who pushes, pinches, bites and hits. We've tried all kinds of discipline. We've tried calmly talking to him, time-outs, punishing him back, yelling at him...nothing helps. We've started instituting a new rule where if he fights over a toy, uses it as a weapon or throws it, he loses it for the day. Which seems to be working...but what do you do when it only involves him being violent to another child? We're going to start giving him 1 w…