Showing posts from November, 2007

i love japan

this looks hilarious. i want to play!

belly news

it's official. my tummy has arrived. last night my jeans felt a bit tight and then this morning my tummy felt tight. it feels like it use to. it feels like i have a water filled balloon under my layer of chunk. and i can see the roundness protruding a bit. after my shower as i was looking in the mirror, i could see the roundness of baby newman.

what a cool feeling to see that again. to feel it. when i delivered Jorai i felt so empty. my arms as well as my tummy. this morning is the first time that i believe that there really is a baby growing within me again. i can feel the baby. i can feel my uterus growing. this feels really beautiful.

i'm happy.


i keep seeing babies and thinking that's what Jorai would look like or that's how big she'd be...i keep going back there. walking down that road that doesn't seem to end. i look at her picture and am still numb in a way. it still seems like a very real dream. i still can't wrap my mind around all we gained and lost in 1 year. it makes me worry about this baby within me. i want to have a positive attitude. i want to be excited, but it's a nervous excitement. excitement one minute, pain the next. i worry about the future. the 20 week mark, the 28 week mark. will we lose this baby too? will i have to deliver another lifeless child? could i do that? i'm not sure i could go through this again. but i know every pregnancy is a blessing, no matter how long it lasts...but this is hard.

i have the babies book that i haven't even opened yet. 4 days from my 2nd trimester and i haven't documented 1 thing in this child's book. i'm afraid. …


i think it's brilliant when people find my blog while searching for 'porn' or 'phoenix rising porn'...which what exactly is phoenix rising porn? that one kinda scares me. most of the people who find me randomly searched netti pot...which is funny since i blogged about them to see porn pop up on my keyword analysis of who's visiting my site, gives me warm fuzzies.

i wonder what people think when they hit my site when they're trying to find porn? i know i would be disappointed and quickly go about my search...but what if people just read...would they stop searching for porn that day? if they read a post specifically about my stance on porn, would it make them think?

starting a sexual purity ministry at church scares me. it's a place i never wanted to go to...i would talk to people about my past...steve's past...i may even post about it...but to help a group of people? never thought i'd be the one. i'm excited about it. i hope …

turkey and trimmings

the past week and a half or so, i've been starving. it's such a strange feeling. most of my first trimester i had been exhausted and queasy, definitely not hungry! but now, it's a whole new ballgame. i'm hungry all the time. and of course, when we left my folks house this weekend, they loaded us up with food. i have been eating turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and green bean casserole since last thursday. it's ridiculous. i weighted myself last monday and saw that i had finally gained 1 pound. i was so excited...i'm nervous to get back on the scale tomorrow!

....ohh yeah...and to top it off...steve made an ice-cream run for ice-cream sandwiches last night...i had envisioned the small rectangle slice of ice-cream with the thin chocolate cookie on each side...steve brought home thick chocolate cookies sandwiching a thick glob of the melting moments ones...i'm not complaining,they're super yummy...but of course it's just anoth…

a quick warning

be careful when sending holiday packages this year. i had to go to frandor today. while i was there i saw that there is a ups store. i have a package to send my nephew for his birthday, so i thought since i'm already here, i'd send it from ups rather than the post office. i filled out the form and walked up to the attendant who told me it would be 10 bucks and some change to ship it to flagstaff. '10 bucks?!?, i said, is that the cheapest?' she said yes. so i simply said ok, i'll just go to the post office. her exact words were 'well, from what me screen says, priority mail is the same cost.'. i left, knowing she was feeding me a line.

i drove back into holt, went to the post office and low and was 7 bucks for priority. she lied to me. seeing that the gift was about $5...$7 shipping seemed silly, but what are ya going to do?

my advice...don't ship from the ups store in frandor...and other ups careful about. i don't l…

1 down 11 more to go

the first of my 11 pregnant friends delivered last friday. congratulations nicole and chaz and welcome sophia rose!!


can you love God with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul yet still be angry with Him? i personally know 3 other couples who have lost their babies this year. 3 amazing, God fearing couples. 4 of us have lost our first born. as the holidays begin, i feel the sadness of these families. 3 of us are pregnant again. one has just started to try. we have hopes of becoming parents to living children. we have hopes of hearing cries fill our houses and laughter fill our hearts. we have hopes of kissing warm cheeks and feeling warm breath against our skin. yet as it's a hope filled with excitement and joy, it's also a hope filled with sorrow and tears for the children we've lost.

most days i've accepted our fate. the fate of loss. a loss that will always be there in the questions people ask. do you have children? how many children do you have? it will be there in my husbands face. some nights as i watch him sleep, i see Jorai in his facial outline. i…

new cookie

the new cookie was a success. they rocked, everyone liked them. try 'em out.


steve and i met with the women who will be our doulas during our pregnancy/birth. they rock. when we left, we were surprised to see that the car clock read 9:30. we had been there for 3 hours. wow. they were caring and open and we felt truly comfortable around them. one of them has gone through a loss. which sucks. i hate knowing other people have suffered as steve and i have. but it was nice to know that she knows. she knows my fears, my sadness, my hopes and my anxiety. her experiences where different than mine, but she knows the blackness of loss. it's comforting to be around other people who know and understand my darkness. i feel blessed to have met such wonderful women.

i've started taking some herbal remedies. i'm taking alfalfa for digestion issues and papaya enzyme for heartburn. i've also started drinking a bit of red raspberry leaf tea which is suppose to help tone your uterus. although i do continue to pray for clarity on anything i put into …

new cookie

i love to bake. during the holidays, i usually make a shortbread cookie, peanut butter fudge, nut brittle, grand marnier chocolate orange cookie and whatever else sounds yummy at the time...for this weekends thanksgiving-Christmas extravaganza jamboree festival i'm making these...
for the recipe click here ~ orange-dark chocolate sandwich cookie

confusion and nervousness after a loss

i'm scared of every thing when it comes to this baby. i have all the typical pregnancy symptoms...constipation, headaches, heartburn...and then i have asthma and anxiety like crazy. there are drugs i could take. there are herbs i could take. some say the drugs could cause complications, some say the herbs can cause complications. so which do you choose.

i've always leaned towards the natural side of things, but the naturals haven't been tested in pregnancy like the drugs have...i found a heartburn tea this morning...but it contains marshmallow root...a herb that has had contraindications...but to what extent? if i have a cup a day would it be ok? would it be better than a heartburn drug?

i want proof. which is better. i'm tired of opinions, i need proof. i can't be blase about the health of this child when i've already lost a child. every thing is so confusing. i know a lot of people who take raspberry leaf and it's probably safe, although i'v…

i don't understand people

today someone walked up to me and said 'i liked your old hair.' this was the first time she had seen me with my new, shorter do. 'i liked your old hair.' what does that mean? why not just walk up to me and say, 'wow, kim. that hair style looks like crap!' i just don't get people. it's ok if you don't like some one's new hair style. you don't have to make a comment. didn't your momma ever teach you that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all? it wasn't a big deal. i wasn't hurt, i was just shocked. i like my hair and that's what was just such a silly comment.


steve called me...when he was at the speedway in front of lowes getting soda for fight club tonight, someone hit his car and took off. crunched the bumper and now it's all loose i guess. i still haven't seen it. but again, what with people? how do you just slam into some one's car and take off? i just don'…

mongolian barbecue

steve and i met my brother at bd'smongolianbbq for an indoor tailgate this afternoon. i love that place. it's a bit on the pricey side for my standard, so we don't go there too much...but i do enjoy it. i only get the 1 bowl thing, but i still always over's the tortillas they give you. i can't stop. so now, i'm sitting here in pain. i hate the feeling of over eating. ugh. i have to remember this feeling the next time i get the urge to eat there.

steve's at the maybe i'll just sleep the pain off...

lessons learned

when you're pregnant and hungry, don't walk through the food aisle in target. i went in to get a birthday present and hair care products...i left with a hannah montana jewelry box, moose, hair spray...and... mozzarella sticks and chocolate covered cookies. oye.

sweet love story

so my boss changed my hours at work again yesterday. i'll be working every monday and tuesday now...which will be nice to have 2 'solid' days rather than switching them up every week, but the crummy part is that they are both late days. one day i'll work till 5:30...the other until 6:30...and the 6:30 day is in hastings so i won't even get home until 7:30.

but the thing that's frustrating, is that they're still coming to me every week asking me to switch around my hours. as if they think that all i do is sit around the house doing nothing. it's frustrating. i don't understand how a company can think that they can change your work days every week and toy around with your schedule whenever they want. it's incredibly frustrating. and what's more frustrating...they never ask. my boss didn't come to me to ask me if i could change my work days to monday and tuesday. i was just told. plain and simple.

i'm counting my days there. n…

homeless mi mom gives birth to triplets

i just heard on the radio that there was a women in michigan who gave birth to triplets. she's homeless. homeless. she has nothing to support these babies. people from all over are helping this women out. it's cool to see people actually helping someone. but if i'm being completely honest, i have to admit that this story pulls at my heart. it pulls at my faith. it makes me think of Jorai. i know it's wrong to question God, for we don't know all His plans, yet there is still this nagging question of why. why take my baby away when we can provide very well for her, yet give someone 3 babies who can only walk the street. she has no home. the babies are already sick...who knows what their nutrition is and what their future will be. how can something like this happen. why does God take a financially secure, emotionally secure, healthy, loving and faithful couple's baby away, yet give someone who can't afford, clothes, housing, name it, 3…

a november Christmas

we're celebrating Christmas with my family the day after thanksgiving. it was actually my rents are out of town until the 3rd weekend of december and that weekend my niece will be up at her biological dad's...then both steve and i and my brother and his family will be at the in-laws on Christmas weekend...and then my folks take off for this was the next best thing.

but it feels so strange. i don't mind celebrating on a different day, but a part of me doesn't feel the 'Christmas spirit'. but then i think, exactly what is the Christmas spirit? although i try to focus on Christ and make sure that He is the center of my Christmas, i have to admit that i like the commercial hoopla involved around the holidays as well. i mean, i don't like all the commercialism...but i like the lights and sounds and smells. i like the vibration in the crowds. i like that hum of excitement and family time and yummy food and drink and the smells of swee…

'ventless' gas fireplace

we need help with our fireplace. it's ventless. it was installed incorrectly a year ago, so we've never been able to properly use it. and now i really want to. and i want to feel comfortable in using it. we've tried to get someone over to see it, but it's all been without luck. either people think we don't know what were talking about, or don't believe us...i don't know. but we need someone to come fix it and make sure it's properly installed. does anyone know someone who can help? does anyone know someone with gas fireplace experience? we bought the thing on-line, which we now know was a mistake. we should have paid top dollar and went through a fireplace store, so they could have installed it. lessons learned..

but if anyone knows someone...please email or call me. we need help.

a fortune tellers prediction

i had another super crazy, all night, vivid pregnancy dream last night. i've been having them most nights, but last night amongst a whole slew of drama i won't get into, i met a fortune reader. she told me that my husband and i were going to have twins.

when i told steve about it today he thought i said that i pulled some random ladies finger and she told me i was having twins...which would have made an even crazier dream!

but yeah...twins...i'm thinking that's not going to happen this time around. but i think it would be kinda cool. kinda scary...but kinda cool. i think i would have gained weight by now if i were having twins though...and only one baby was seen at my ultrasound...although the nurse did say that twins are easy to miss at this stage. guess we'll see in the near future just how truthful pregnancy dreams...and fortune tellers are...
steve and i are meeting with a doula on the 20th. my friends have said that it may be a good thing for us to have one at our birth. they may be able to relieve some of our anxieties and relax us. stephanie found one that offers free services to women who have gone through a loss like mine. what an amazing service. how beautiful. i'm not sure what having a doula actually entails...and i originally just wanted it to be steve and i at the birth...but i think this is a good thing. i can't wait to meet them.

so i'll be 10 weeks on monday. i past the 8 week milestone. so that's cool. i guess miscarriages decrease after the 8th week...of course it could still happen...but it's a milestone. so that's cool. also, the baby is no longer an embryo! we've now got a little fetus within me. so cool.

i'm feeling ok. still exhausted and a bit of nausea...heartburn and asthma...but it's a lot better than a few weeks ago. so that's good. i have anot…


i'm craving a super naughty ooey-gooey sticky cinnamon bun...with icing...oye
i found this site while looking for a nice picture....a great baking blog for all my baking friends out there. super yummy!!
i have a quandary. mozilla keeps freezing on my mac. i've deleted it and re-installed it...but it still happens. when i use safari, there's a lot of functions that aren't google docs and certain functions of blogspot...and gtalk doesn't work...which i don't use often, but it's nice.

so i don't know what to do. i've been using safari, but i continually have to switch to mozilla. in fact today i was on the eriv site praying for people and i wanted to send a quick prayer message...that doesn't work on safari either. oye...any suggestions from the mac folks out there?

posting spree

i never knew there were so many to choose from...check out these off the cuff shirts...yeah, i'd probably never sport one...but thinking of them make me feel better!!










houlihan'sin the lansing mall
$5 apps
1/2 off house cocktails, draft beer & house wine
steve and i'll be there if any one's interested in joining us...i promise not to be as snarky as my last post suggests i am!


i'm thinking of making some new tee-shirts...what do you think?


or last, the nastier version...

3. NO I HAVEN'T 'POPPED' YET! THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT!seriously, what's up with people walking up to me with a big smile, looking at my belly and telling me how big my belly is getting or that i've 'popped'. i haven't even gained 1 pound...depending on the day, i've lost weight, but i haven't gained any. and don't you realize that i had a baby 5 months ago...and for the past 2 i've been pregnant? so i only had 3 months to 'get my body back in shape'. oye! i'm sorry i'm going off on all of you, but sometimes i just need to get it off my chest, and if nothing else, maybe you'll learn how better to approach a pregnant woman. ok so...

1. the belly is off limit. unless you're super close or …

documentary night

i had a doctors appointment last friday to talk about my meds. she took her time with me and we really went over the benefits of taking the meds...she even made me feel a bit more comfortable taking heartburn meds too. i started taking them the wednesday before i lost Jorai, so i'm super scared of them...but she made me finally see that they couldn't have had any affect on the cord or that makes me a bit happier. my breathing is better, still a bit forced, but i know it will only get better now and more air for the baby is always better!

when i was there, i had asked her if it was still too soon to hear a heartbeat. she said it was but then asked if i wanted to see it. so i was whisked away to the ultrasound room and got to see our little embryo. it was cool...really just a blob. but a blob with a beating heart! so that was cool. it made it a bit more real to me.
it was pretty cool.


i started watching brothers and sisters this summer on i really enjoy the fact that if you miss a show, you can grab it online. it's pretty cool. so, anyway....i got into brothers and sisters. it was a great show. a great loving yet completely dysfunctional family. but this season has severely disappointed me. there has been adultery, the loss of a child making a seemingly happy couple split, a miscarriage, a drug relapse...the list goes on. some of the story lines are ok. the reality of the show still keeps me watching but i am so damn sick of adulterous and sex lines on tv shows. can't there be a show with a loving family with real life stories being played out? does it all have to revolve on who can screw the most?

our country is so screwed up with our sex morals. it's pathetic. we're all looking at sex to make us the man we think it will make us, or bring us the love we always dreamed to have. we look to sex for all of our darkness to hide i…

baby dream

**mood: excited
**noise: the heat

last night i had a super long dream about the baby. it all started by me waking up in a hospital room and thinking we had lost the baby again, i started looking around and crying when all of a sudden someone handed me a baby girl. she was little, like Jorai, but alive, pink and she had this crazy black curly hair...kinda like tiffany's, now that i think about it! HA!. but it fell to almost her shoulders and she had these brilliant blue eyes. i fed her, changed her into a cloth diaper and when i returned we were in a huge party where everyone came to congratulate us. there we people from my high school that i haven't talked to in ages, people from my work that have since left, church was crazy.

she was beautiful and alive and i know it was just a dream...but it gave me hope. oh and the funny if it's a girl, we've decided on the name Selah..but in my dream, steve named her penelopeparker. too funny.

i just realized something

there is a part of me that is super excited about this pregnancy. i think about seeing our child sleeping with us and hearing them breathe. i look forward to june so that we will finally get to meet this child. but then there's another part of me that thinks that i will never see this child in our house. we'll only hold this child in a cold hospital room and then watch as the nurse takes them away. it's when i look to the future, to plan stuff at work or buy baby things, i stop and think, 'no, i should just wait. we probably won't bring this baby home with us.'

i hate feeling this way. i want to only be optimistic. i want to think that everything will go well and that come june, we'll have this amazing little person with us. i want to hold onto these words as if they were more than just words. that, they're truth. and i know i'll never know the outcome of this pregnancy until june, hopefully, but i want to stay positive.

it's been a…