i love japan

30 November 2007

this looks hilarious. i want to play!

belly news

29 November 2007

it's official. my tummy has arrived. last night my jeans felt a bit tight and then this morning my tummy felt tight. it feels like it use to. it feels like i have a water filled balloon under my layer of chunk. and i can see the roundness protruding a bit. after my shower as i was looking in the mirror, i could see the roundness of baby newman.

what a cool feeling to see that again. to feel it. when i delivered Jorai i felt so empty. my arms as well as my tummy. this morning is the first time that i believe that there really is a baby growing within me again. i can feel the baby. i can feel my uterus growing. this feels really beautiful.

i'm happy.


28 November 2007

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i keep seeing babies and thinking that's what Jorai would look like or that's how big she'd be...i keep going back there. walking down that road that doesn't seem to end. i look at her picture and am still numb in a way. it still seems like a very real dream. i still can't wrap my mind around all we gained and lost in 1 year. it makes me worry about this baby within me. i want to have a positive attitude. i want to be excited, but it's a nervous excitement. excitement one minute, pain the next. i worry about the future. the 20 week mark, the 28 week mark. will we lose this baby too? will i have to deliver another lifeless child? could i do that? i'm not sure i could go through this again. but i know every pregnancy is a blessing, no matter how long it lasts...but this is hard.

i have the babies book that i haven't even opened yet. 4 days from my 2nd trimester and i haven't documented 1 thing in this child's book. i'm afraid. i'm afraid that if i let my pen touch the page, i'll lose this child too. i know it sounds silly, but the fear is there.

i had tummy pains last night. i think there were just normal stomach pains...but of course my mind went there. to the hospital. to the blood. to the pain of holding a lifeless child. and of course every thing was fine. i'm fine. i think the babies fine. i'm just a basket case of worry.

i know the community i live in would say just pray on it, give it up to God...but what i don't think they understand is that i prayed on my last pregnancy, daily. i prayed for her safety and health and development. and, well, that didn't work. and i'm not saying that to say that i don't have faith anymore or that i'm not praying. i'm praying like crazy. but it's hard to trust God to bring my baby into this world screaming, when my last birth was so hauntingly silent with the exception of my husbands tears. that's the thing i remember. steve's tears. man that kills me to remember and type down. but there it is. i fear that. i fear seeing my husband cut the umbilical cord of our child as tear run down his cheeks. that cord, that use to supply our baby with life, but failed. the tears that just keep falling.

i pray that the 2 other women i know who have gone through a loss this year and are now pregnant, have beautiful outcomes. i pray that their babies come into this world screaming and crying and healthy. i pray that for our baby. and for the other mother who lost her child this year, i pray that she is blessed with another pregnancy. i pray that all of our fears can be lessened. i pray that we can fully enjoy our pregnancies instead of being so worried about each pain. which there are a lot of in pregnancy. and i pray for all my pregnant friends who are currently pregnant too. there sure are a lot of them!

a loss like this sucks. it's something i know i'll carry around with me each day. and that's hard. i want to use this loss to help others. i want people to remember Jorai. i want to remember her in the light rather than the cold hospital room. i want her name to shine and want her memory to mean some thing. i want this pregnancy to go well. i want steve and i to have boisterous kids that know their older sister, and know that she was one amazing girl. i pray for all these things.


26 November 2007

i think it's brilliant when people find my blog while searching for 'porn' or 'phoenix rising porn'...which what exactly is phoenix rising porn? that one kinda scares me. most of the people who find me randomly searched netti pot...which is funny since i blogged about them once...so to see porn pop up on my keyword analysis of who's visiting my site, gives me warm fuzzies.

i wonder what people think when they hit my site when they're trying to find porn? i know i would be disappointed and quickly go about my search...but what if people just read...would they stop searching for porn that day? if they read a post specifically about my stance on porn, would it make them think?

starting a sexual purity ministry at church scares me. it's a place i never wanted to go to...i would talk to people about my past...steve's past...i may even post about it...but to help a group of people? never thought i'd be the one. i'm excited about it. i hope God uses us in whatever way He wants to. i hope He gives me a calm nature...because i don't want to blow it.

this whole thing is just cool. how God uses even the weakest. here i blog about being mad at God, pissed even. my faith has been tested the past 6 months. i feel it contiue to get tested daily. i'm not as close to Him as i used to be. i don't read His word as i should. i even yell at Him. but loving Him, believing in Him and trusting Him is so much more than my frustration and disillusionment. He still wants me even in spite of my failings. and more than that, He wants to use me. He uses me every day. with this ministry or the greeting ministry or my blog or even simply bumping into someone on the street, He uses me. He can use a creep like me. i like that. i find comfort in that. i like the fact that although i am nothing, God makes me something.

how cool is that?

turkey and trimmings

the past week and a half or so, i've been starving. it's such a strange feeling. most of my first trimester i had been exhausted and queasy, definitely not hungry! but now, it's a whole new ballgame. i'm hungry all the time. and of course, when we left my folks house this weekend, they loaded us up with food. i have been eating turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and green bean casserole since last thursday. it's ridiculous. i weighted myself last monday and saw that i had finally gained 1 pound. i was so excited...i'm nervous to get back on the scale tomorrow!

....ohh yeah...and to top it off
...steve made an ice-cream run for ice-cream sandwiches last night...i had envisioned the small rectangle slice of ice-cream with the thin chocolate cookie on each side...steve brought home thick chocolate cookies sandwiching a thick glob of ice-cream...like the melting moments ones...i'm not complaining,they're super yummy...but of course it's just another calorie punch i can't seem to stay away from!

gotta go eat some more turkey and stuff

a quick warning

be careful when sending holiday packages this year. i had to go to frandor today. while i was there i saw that there is a ups store. i have a package to send my nephew for his birthday, so i thought since i'm already here, i'd send it from ups rather than the post office. i filled out the form and walked up to the attendant who told me it would be 10 bucks and some change to ship it to flagstaff. '10 bucks?!?, i said, is that the cheapest?' she said yes. so i simply said ok, i'll just go to the post office. her exact words were 'well, from what me screen says, priority mail is the same cost.'. i left, knowing she was feeding me a line.

i drove back into holt, went to the post office and low and behold...it was 7 bucks for priority. she lied to me. seeing that the gift was about $5...$7 shipping seemed silly, but what are ya going to do?

my advice...don't ship from the ups store in frandor...and other ups stores...be careful about. i don't like people lying to me. so i'm starting a ban on the store. freakin' ups. they suck.

1 down 11 more to go

25 November 2007

the first of my 11 pregnant friends delivered last friday. congratulations nicole and chaz and welcome sophia rose!!


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can you love God with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul yet still be angry with Him? i personally know 3 other couples who have lost their babies this year. 3 amazing, God fearing couples. 4 of us have lost our first born. as the holidays begin, i feel the sadness of these families. 3 of us are pregnant again. one has just started to try. we have hopes of becoming parents to living children. we have hopes of hearing cries fill our houses and laughter fill our hearts. we have hopes of kissing warm cheeks and feeling warm breath against our skin. yet as it's a hope filled with excitement and joy, it's also a hope filled with sorrow and tears for the children we've lost.

most days i've accepted our fate. the fate of loss. a loss that will always be there in the questions people ask. do you have children? how many children do you have? it will be there in my husbands face. some nights as i watch him sleep, i see Jorai in his facial outline. i see it in his avoidance of the nursery. i see it in my mothers tears and my mother in-laws tears. our loss surrounds us. our hopes have dwindled. new hopes have risen, yet our old hopes still lie there in the dark, collecting dust. most days i've accepted this.

but some days i can't. i know there are mothers and fathers this very day, this very second, who have just gotten the gut wrenching news. they too have joined the fate of those who have lost. they will have to grieve and try their hardest to drag themselves out of the pit. the pit that just keeps on crashing in. i know their pain. it's just been a mere 6 months since steve and i were thrown in. into the pit. dark, cold. i hate knowing that others have to go through what steve and i went through. it pisses me off. it makes me want to scream at God with all my might. WHY?

but then i feel guilt. i feel guilt because the anger i feel at God should be only love. He created Jorai. we may not have gotten to hold a warm child and feel her breath, hear her laugh. we may not have been able to see her grow or read her to sleep. we may never see her graduate or get married or live, but we did have her in our lives for a brief moment. for 7 months, she was our daughter. she was here. with us. in me. without God, we could have never known her. i could have never felt her within me. we could have never held her. without God, she would have never taught us about love and faith. she would have never taught me about, me.

i do love God with all of my heart. all of my mind. and all of my soul. but i have to admit, that there are times, that i am truly angry with Him. and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered a loss and to all those who will someday hear the devastating news.

new cookie

the new cookie was a success. they rocked, everyone liked them. try 'em out.


steve and i met with the women who will be our doulas during our pregnancy/birth. they rock. when we left, we were surprised to see that the car clock read 9:30. we had been there for 3 hours. wow. they were caring and open and we felt truly comfortable around them. one of them has gone through a loss. which sucks. i hate knowing other people have suffered as steve and i have. but it was nice to know that she knows. she knows my fears, my sadness, my hopes and my anxiety. her experiences where different than mine, but she knows the blackness of loss. it's comforting to be around other people who know and understand my darkness. i feel blessed to have met such wonderful women.

i've started taking some herbal remedies. i'm taking alfalfa for digestion issues and papaya enzyme for heartburn. i've also started drinking a bit of red raspberry leaf tea which is suppose to help tone your uterus. although i do continue to pray for clarity on anything i put into my mouth. i feel a bit more comfortable taking natural remedies and i have to say the the papaya enzyme is amazing. it totally wipes out my heartburn, but both papaya enzyme and red raspberry leaf tea is said to cause uterine contractions. in fact when i googled papaya enzyme, i'd say nearly 50% of the sites said to avoid it because it could cause uterine contractions and miscarriage...the other 50% said to take it. i started taking it sparingly. i have a hard time understanding how papaya could cause miscarriage but pepcid ac, tums, rolaids...and all the other drugs dr's hand out are fine...so, i'm going with my gut and through prayer. i know tons of folks take both and had beautiful pregnancies...so i'm giving them a whirl.

our thanksgiving-Christmas spectacular seemed to be a success. it can always be hard for steve and i to be around my family, but it went well. my nephew is getting huge. i hadn't seen him since before we lost Jorai. he's almost talking and he's running all over the place. he's cool and super happy. it's funny. it felt strange having Christmas the day after thanksgiving, but we were all together, minus my brother from arizona and his fam...but they don't come up any longer. bummer.

well, i think that's it. other than to ask for prayer. this week is a hectic week for me. our girls ministry is starting on thursday. please pray that we are in line with Christ's plan for this ministry and to be open to His guidance. we also have our welcome team appreciation gathering, which is long over due and i'm super stoked about. please just pray that all goes smoothly. thanks...

new cookie

20 November 2007

i love to bake. during the holidays, i usually make a shortbread cookie, peanut butter fudge, nut brittle, grand marnier chocolate orange cookie and whatever else sounds yummy at the time...for this weekends thanksgiving-Christmas extravaganza jamboree festival i'm making these...
for the recipe click here ~ orange-dark chocolate sandwich cookie

confusion and nervousness after a loss


i'm scared of every thing when it comes to this baby. i have all the typical pregnancy symptoms...constipation, headaches, heartburn...and then i have asthma and anxiety like crazy. there are drugs i could take. there are herbs i could take. some say the drugs could cause complications, some say the herbs can cause complications. so which do you choose.

i've always leaned towards the natural side of things, but the naturals haven't been tested in pregnancy like the drugs have...i found a heartburn tea this morning...but it contains marshmallow root...a herb that has had contraindications...but to what extent? if i have a cup a day would it be ok? would it be better than a heartburn drug?

i want proof. which is better. i'm tired of opinions, i need proof. i can't be blase about the health of this child when i've already lost a child. every thing is so confusing. i know a lot of people who take raspberry leaf and it's probably safe, although i've seen studies where they have found that it may cause uterine contractions. so who's right? who do i believe?

you would think that with something like pregnancy, that's been around since, well,
almost forever..people would know and there would be proof, that this list is ok, this list is not. where is that list? and if something is bad for pregnancy, why are companies allowed to continue to make such products and promote them to pregnant moms? i'm just so confused. and i don't like being a basket case.

i don't understand people

19 November 2007

today someone walked up to me and said 'i liked your old hair.' this was the first time she had seen me with my new, shorter do. 'i liked your old hair.' what does that mean? why not just walk up to me and say, 'wow, kim. that hair style looks like crap!' i just don't get people. it's ok if you don't like some one's new hair style. you don't have to make a comment. didn't your momma ever teach you that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all? it wasn't a big deal. i wasn't hurt, i was just shocked. i like my hair and that's what matters...it was just such a silly comment.


steve called me...when he was at the speedway in front of lowes getting soda for fight club tonight, someone hit his car and took off. crunched the bumper and now it's all loose i guess. i still haven't seen it. but again, what with people? how do you just slam into some one's car and take off? i just don't understand.

mongolian barbecue

17 November 2007

steve and i met my brother at bd's mongolian bbq for an indoor tailgate this afternoon. i love that place. it's a bit on the pricey side for my standard, so we don't go there too much...but i do enjoy it. i only get the 1 bowl thing, but i still always over eat...it's the tortillas they give you. i can't stop. so now, i'm sitting here in pain. i hate the feeling of over eating. ugh. i have to remember this feeling the next time i get the urge to eat there.

steve's at the game...so maybe i'll just sleep the pain off...

lessons learned

16 November 2007

when you're pregnant and hungry, don't walk through the food aisle in target. i went in to get a birthday present and hair care products...i left with a hannah montana jewelry box, moose, hair spray...and... mozzarella sticks and chocolate covered cookies. oye.

sweet love story

14 November 2007

this love story was on oprah today..needless to say, i was bawling at the end...

When he was 12, Herman Rosenblat and his family were taken from their home in Poland and sent to a concentration camp in Nazi Germany. Young Herman was forced to work shoveling bodies into a crematorium. All the while he did not know if he, too, would soon be killed.

One day two years later, Herman walked up to the barbed wire fence and saw a girl on the other side. "She says, 'What are you doing in there?'" Herman says. "I said to her, 'Can you give me something to eat?' And she took an apple out of her jacket."

The girl fed Herman an apple every day for seven months. Then one day he told her not to come back—he was being moved to another camp. "A tear came down her eyes," Herman says. "And as I turned around and went back I started to cry, too. I started to cry knowing that I might not see her again."

Herman was shipped to Czechoslovakia. Just two hours before he was scheduled to die in the gas chambers there, Russian troops liberated the camp and Herman was set free.

Almost 15 years later, Herman was living and working in New York City. A friend set him up on a blind date with a woman named Roma Radzika. Herman says he was immediately drawn to her. When they began talking about their lives, Roma asked Herman where he was during World War II. "I said, 'In a concentration camp,'" he says. "And then she says, 'I came to a camp and I met a boy there and I gave him some apples and I sent them over the fence.'

"And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I said to her, 'There was a boy? Was he tall?' And she said, 'Yes.' I said, 'And one day he told you not to come around anymore because he's leaving?' And she says, 'Yes.' I said, 'That boy was me.'

Roma and her family had moved from Poland to Germany, using forged papers to hide that they were Jewish. They lived on a farm next to Herman's camp, posing as Christians to avoid being captured. Roma says when she brought apples and bread for Herman, he used to say, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Well, what can I tell you? I proposed right then and there," Herman says. "I said, 'Look, I'll never let you go anymore. … Now that we're free we're going to be together forever.'"

so my boss changed my hours at work again yesterday. i'll be working every monday and tuesday now...which will be nice to have 2 'solid' days rather than switching them up every week, but the crummy part is that they are both late days. one day i'll work till 5:30...the other until 6:30...and the 6:30 day is in hastings so i won't even get home until 7:30.

but the thing that's frustrating, is that they're still coming to me every week asking me to switch around my hours. as if they think that all i do is sit around the house doing nothing. it's frustrating. i don't understand how a company can think that they can change your work days every week and toy around with your schedule whenever they want. it's incredibly frustrating. and what's more frustrating...they never ask. my boss didn't come to me to ask me if i could change my work days to monday and tuesday. i was just told. plain and simple.

i'm counting my days there. not that i don't like it. i love my job. but i hate knowing that my boss has doesn't care about me, my life or my plans. i feel like i'm a toy in her way to the top and it really makes me realize how important it is for managers to care about their employees rather than simply use them and toss them to the curb when their done.

if there are any managers out there reading...please care for your employees. if you treat them well, they will treat you well. you'll be amazed how much more productive and loyal they'll be to someone who treats them as you would like to be treated.

homeless mi mom gives birth to triplets


i just heard on the radio that there was a women in michigan who gave birth to triplets. she's homeless. homeless. she has nothing to support these babies. people from all over are helping this women out. it's cool to see people actually helping someone. but if i'm being completely honest, i have to admit that this story pulls at my heart. it pulls at my faith. it makes me think of Jorai. i know it's wrong to question God, for we don't know all His plans, yet there is still this nagging question of why. why take my baby away when we can provide very well for her, yet give someone 3 babies who can only walk the street. she has no home. the babies are already sick...who knows what their nutrition is and what their future will be. how can something like this happen. why does God take a financially secure, emotionally secure, healthy, loving and faithful couple's baby away, yet give someone who can't afford, clothes, housing, food...you name it, 3 babies.

this baffles me. and although i am happy to see the people in michigan reach out to this single, homeless mom. in all honesty, it brings me pain to know that my God took our daughter away and give this women 3 that she cannot support, feed or shelter. i know i shouldn't think this way, and it actually has been awhile since i have, but i have to say that this story really cut deep.

a november Christmas

12 November 2007

we're celebrating Christmas with my family the day after thanksgiving. it was actually my idea...my rents are out of town until the 3rd weekend of december and that weekend my niece will be up at her biological dad's...then both steve and i and my brother and his family will be at the in-laws on Christmas weekend...and then my folks take off for arizona...so this was the next best thing.

but it feels so strange. i don't mind celebrating on a different day, but a part of me doesn't feel the 'Christmas spirit'. but then i think, exactly what is the Christmas spirit? although i try to focus on Christ and make sure that He is the center of my Christmas, i have to admit that i like the commercial hoopla involved around the holidays as well. i mean, i don't like all the commercialism...but i like the lights and sounds and smells. i like the vibration in the crowds. i like that hum of excitement and family time and yummy food and drink and the smells of sweets baking and evergreen. it excites me. it gets me in the mood. it's Christmas.

my family had many Christmas traditions. i loved them all. we always went to the early service on Christmas eve. we dressed up and took pictures before we left. the service we went to was filled with singing and candles and motion singers (yeah, my brothers and i always made fun of them, it was the yearly joke...wondering if they would perform the same thing). the service was the same thing every year. it was pretty ridiculous...but we liked it. we came home to eat sweets that my mom and grandma had made and drink wassail. we just talked and laughed and enjoyed each other. the 3 kids read a book. always the same. jeff read the night before Christmas. aaron read..Christmas in the forest and i, the youngest read o what a very special night. after, we'd lay out our stockings and go to bed. this went on though my college years. it was pretty ridiculous. but it was tradition and we always loved it.

the next morning we'd wake. we would get to go through our stockings...we still do stockings! and then my mom would make breakfast. always the same. ula-cocka...it sounds gross...but it's a norwegian sweet bread and it rocks, fried eggs, sausage links, orange juice, coffee and of course kadota figs. every year the same. Christmas dinner changes now. some years it's turkey...last year it was a dungeness crab and seafood feast. but yeah. that's our Christmas in big rapids. every year the same. still...except the book reading thing...there had to be an end to that at sometime!

this year though. the day after thanksgiving. there's been no time to get me in the mood. and with the summer as we had it, it flew by. i can't even believe it's almost thanksgiving let alone time for us to celebrate Christmas. it just feels so strange. i mean, we'll be together and that's what's important. but it just feels so strange. i want to get in the mood. i want to start baking..but that's the last thing i need right now...i want to get a tree...but the time Christmas rolls around it would be a mess...i need to find inspiration. i think i may sit down and read Luke. get back to the heart of Christmas.

'ventless' gas fireplace

we need help with our fireplace. it's ventless. it was installed incorrectly a year ago, so we've never been able to properly use it. and now i really want to. and i want to feel comfortable in using it. we've tried to get someone over to see it, but it's all been without luck. either people think we don't know what were talking about, or don't believe us...i don't know. but we need someone to come fix it and make sure it's properly installed. does anyone know someone who can help? does anyone know someone with gas fireplace experience? we bought the thing on-line, which we now know was a mistake. we should have paid top dollar and went through a fireplace store, so they could have installed it. lessons learned..

but if anyone knows someone...please email or call me. we need help.

a fortune tellers prediction

11 November 2007

i had another super crazy, all night, vivid pregnancy dream last night. i've been having them most nights, but last night amongst a whole slew of drama i won't get into, i met a fortune reader. she told me that my husband and i were going to have twins.

when i told steve about it today he thought i said that i pulled some random ladies finger and she told me i was having twins...which would have made an even crazier dream!

but yeah...twins...i'm thinking that's not going to happen this time around. but i think it would be kinda cool. kinda scary...but kinda cool. i think i would have gained weight by now if i were having twins though...and only one baby was seen at my ultrasound...although the nurse did say that twins are easy to miss at this stage. guess we'll see in the near future just how truthful pregnancy dreams...
and fortune tellers are...

steve and i are meeting with a doula on the 20th. my friends have said that it may be a good thing for us to have one at our birth. they may be able to relieve some of our anxieties and relax us. stephanie found one that offers free services to women who have gone through a loss like mine. what an amazing service. how beautiful. i'm not sure what having a doula actually entails...and i originally just wanted it to be steve and i at the birth...but i think this is a good thing. i can't wait to meet them.

so i'll be 10 weeks on monday. i past the 8 week milestone. so that's cool. i guess miscarriages decrease after the 8th week...of course it could still happen...but it's a milestone. so that's cool. also, the baby is no longer an embryo! we've now got a little fetus within me. so cool.

i'm feeling ok. still exhausted and a bit of nausea...heartburn and asthma...but it's a lot better than a few weeks ago. so that's good. i have another dr. appointment on wednesday...my nurse intake...so that's cool. hopefully within the next 2-3 weeks, i'l be able to hear the heartbeat. i'm excited about that.

so any way...just a quick note to say that all is well. i still haven't gained any weight...which is strange. i had already gained by this time with Jorai, but i know the baby is healthy and strong, so i'm not too worried. and i'm not complaining that i can still fit in all my clothes!

thanks for all your prayers!!! please keep them coming.


07 November 2007

i'm craving a super naughty ooey-gooey sticky cinnamon bun...with icing...oye
i found this site while looking for a nice picture....a great baking blog for all my baking friends out there. super yummy!!


i have a quandary. mozilla keeps freezing on my mac. i've deleted it and re-installed it...but it still happens. when i use safari, there's a lot of functions that aren't supported...like google docs and certain functions of blogspot...and gtalk doesn't work...which i don't use often, but it's nice.

so i don't know what to do. i've been using safari, but i continually have to switch to mozilla. in fact today i was on the eriv site praying for people and i wanted to send a quick prayer message...that doesn't work on safari either. oye...any suggestions from the mac folks out there?

posting spree

06 November 2007

i never knew there were so many to choose from...check out these off the cuff shirts...yeah, i'd probably never sport one...but thinking of them make me feel better!!










houlihan's in the lansing mall
$5 apps
1/2 off house cocktails, draft beer & house wine
steve and i'll be there if any one's interested in joining us...i promise not to be as snarky as my last post suggests i am!


i'm thinking of making some new tee-shirts...what do you think?


or last, the nastier version...

seriously, what's up with people walking up to me with a big smile, looking at my belly and telling me how big my belly is getting or that i've 'popped'. i haven't even gained 1 pound...depending on the day, i've lost weight, but i haven't gained any. and don't you realize that i had a baby 5 months ago...and for the past 2 i've been pregnant? so i only had 3 months to 'get my body back in shape'. oye! i'm sorry i'm going off on all of you, but sometimes i just need to get it off my chest, and if nothing else, maybe you'll learn how better to approach a pregnant woman. ok so...

1. the belly is off limit. unless you're super close or ask...the belly is off limit. it's best not to even ask. i don't come up to you and rub your belly. it's uncomfortable. unless we're good friends, don't try it.

2. weight is a touchy subject with women...and although it's nice to get a few comments when you're obviously pregnant, it sucks when your not. if someone you know is newly pregnant, don't comment on her weight/belly. wait until her tummy actually does 'pop' out. and even then, say nice things like, 'you look so cute'...or other positive comments, not 'wow! you're getting huge!' that's plain rude. again, i wouldn't come up to you and say 'wow! your bloody huge mate!'.

that's all i got today. thanks for listening...and please, respect the pregnant woman. she's dealing with a lot. and she's got lots of hormones pumping through her. if you're not nice, ya may just get more than you bargained for!

documentary night

this saturday, after the 6ish service, we're hosting another round of documentary night. saturdays feature is the devil came on horseback

the devil comes on horseback tells the story of genocide in Darfur through the eyes of Brian Steidle, a former U.S. Marine who lands a job—through Craigslist—as an unarmed military observer taking photographs for the African Union in Darfur. Stark footage of decimated villages and the smoldering remains of people—including children—burned alive make The Devil Came on Horseback a harrowing film to watch. Steidle's reactions to the genocide are compressed into a compelling, beautifully photographed hour-and-a-half film that captures the Sudan's natural beauty as well as its turmoil.
we'd love to have ya come...let me know.

i had a doctors appointment last friday to talk about my meds. she took her time with me and we really went over the benefits of taking the meds...she even made me feel a bit more comfortable taking heartburn meds too. i started taking them the wednesday before i lost Jorai, so i'm super scared of them...but she made me finally see that they couldn't have had any affect on the cord or blood...so that makes me a bit happier. my breathing is better, still a bit forced, but i know it will only get better now and more air for the baby is always better!

when i was there, i had asked her if it was still too soon to hear a heartbeat. she said it was but then asked if i wanted to see it. so i was whisked away to the ultrasound room and got to see our little embryo. it was cool...really just a blob. but a blob with a beating heart! so that was cool. it made it a bit more real to me.
it was pretty cool.


05 November 2007

i started watching brothers and sisters this summer on abc.com. i really enjoy the fact that if you miss a show, you can grab it online. it's pretty cool. so, anyway....i got into brothers and sisters. it was a great show. a great loving yet completely dysfunctional family. but this season has severely disappointed me. there has been adultery, the loss of a child making a seemingly happy couple split, a miscarriage, a drug relapse...the list goes on. some of the story lines are ok. the reality of the show still keeps me watching but i am so damn sick of adulterous and sex lines on tv shows. can't there be a show with a loving family with real life stories being played out? does it all have to revolve on who can screw the most?

our country is so screwed up with our sex morals. it's pathetic. we're all looking at sex to make us the man we think it will make us, or bring us the love we always dreamed to have. we look to sex for all of our darkness to hide in, all of our insecurities to die with. but none of these things happen. we're still pathetic kids running around giving something so special to anyone who will give us a lick of attention. and these shows aren't helping. these shows are telling us to go ahead and do it. in fact your missing out on something if you don't.

well, you're not. you'll only lose a bit of yourself in the process. steve and i both had sex outside of marriage. and we both wish we never had. we never had sex together until marriage, but we still have all the baggage from the past. all those emotions and images that seem to follow us. i don't know how many single people read this blog. but i just feel the urge to say, wait. as hard as it is. as much as your hormones are raging and as much as you're seeking love, just wait. it's not worth it. it's not. take it for a person who learned the lesson too late. wait.

and for these shows...i really hope that someday i'll turn on my tv and see something really worth watching. and not something i watch because it's entertaining even though i disagree with the majority of it.

stepping of my soapbox now...

baby dream

02 November 2007

**mood: excited
**noise: the heat

last night i had a super long dream about the baby. it all started by me waking up in a hospital room and thinking we had lost the baby again, i started looking around and crying when all of a sudden someone handed me a baby girl. she was little, like Jorai, but alive, pink and she had this crazy black curly hair...kinda like tiffany's, now that i think about it! HA!. but it fell to almost her shoulders and she had these brilliant blue eyes. i fed her, changed her into a cloth diaper and when i returned we were in a huge party where everyone came to congratulate us. there we people from my high school that i haven't talked to in ages, people from my work that have since left, church friends...it was crazy.

she was beautiful and alive and i know it was just a dream...but it gave me hope. oh and the funny part...so if it's a girl, we've decided on the name Selah..but in my dream, steve named her penelope parker. too funny.

i just realized something

01 November 2007


there is a part of me that is super excited about this pregnancy. i think about seeing our child sleeping with us and hearing them breathe. i look forward to june so that we will finally get to meet this child. but then there's another part of me that thinks that i will never see this child in our house. we'll only hold this child in a cold hospital room and then watch as the nurse takes them away. it's when i look to the future, to plan stuff at work or buy baby things, i stop and think, 'no, i should just wait. we probably won't bring this baby home with us.'

i hate feeling this way. i want to only be optimistic. i want to think that everything will go well and that come june, we'll have this amazing little person with us. i want to hold onto these words as if they were more than just words. that, they're truth. and i know i'll never know the outcome of this pregnancy until june, hopefully, but i want to stay positive.

it's been a rough 4 weeks for me. the exhaustion and digestion issues have been tough to deal with. my asthma kicked back in but i'm too scared to take my medication, so i haven't taken it. but i know i need it...don't yell at me...i have an appointment for tomorrow...i just second guess everything. i already have heartburn, i'm already leaking milk....i honestly feel like i'm in my 3rd trimester all over again! so strange. when i think i have 7 more months to go, i think there has to be something wrong! too funny! all i have to do is look down to see that my belly hasn't grown any...though of course that doesn't stop people from asking...'looks like you've popped!' as they look at your stomach...yeah, that makes ya feel great!

any way...i'm extremely happy to be pregnant. i feel blessed to get to go through this process again, there's just a part of me that already thinks the outcome will be bad. and i hate that. how do i stop the negative thoughts? how can i just look at the positive and innocently look to june with anticipation rather than wondering when we'll lose this child too? i want to be excited for the birth, but all i picture is Jorai. i haven't dreamt about this child yet and that scares me too. i just need to let things go. i need to give it all up to God, but i don't know how. i don't know how to release my anticipations and fears. how do i do that?