i just realized something

there is a part of me that is super excited about this pregnancy. i think about seeing our child sleeping with us and hearing them breathe. i look forward to june so that we will finally get to meet this child. but then there's another part of me that thinks that i will never see this child in our house. we'll only hold this child in a cold hospital room and then watch as the nurse takes them away. it's when i look to the future, to plan stuff at work or buy baby things, i stop and think, 'no, i should just wait. we probably won't bring this baby home with us.'

i hate feeling this way. i want to only be optimistic. i want to think that everything will go well and that come june, we'll have this amazing little person with us. i want to hold onto these words as if they were more than just words. that, they're truth. and i know i'll never know the outcome of this pregnancy until june, hopefully, but i want to stay positive.

it's been a rough 4 weeks for me. the exhaustion and digestion issues have been tough to deal with. my asthma kicked back in but i'm too scared to take my medication, so i haven't taken it. but i know i need it...don't yell at me...i have an appointment for tomorrow...i just second guess everything. i already have heartburn, i'm already leaking milk....i honestly feel like i'm in my 3rd trimester all over again! so strange. when i think i have 7 more months to go, i think there has to be something wrong! too funny! all i have to do is look down to see that my belly hasn't grown any...though of course that doesn't stop people from asking...'looks like you've popped!' as they look at your stomach...yeah, that makes ya feel great!

any way...i'm extremely happy to be pregnant. i feel blessed to get to go through this process again, there's just a part of me that already thinks the outcome will be bad. and i hate that. how do i stop the negative thoughts? how can i just look at the positive and innocently look to june with anticipation rather than wondering when we'll lose this child too? i want to be excited for the birth, but all i picture is Jorai. i haven't dreamt about this child yet and that scares me too. i just need to let things go. i need to give it all up to God, but i don't know how. i don't know how to release my anticipations and fears. how do i do that?

Comments

Anonymous said…
it a corny christian cliche, but it keeps popping into my head...let go and let God...

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