death

07 October 2015

I thought after losing my girls, I would be better at dealing with death.  I would be that shoulder for others to lean on, the strength in the depths of despair and maybe I am for those I don't know well, but the more life I live, the more death that surrounds me, I find myself turning more and more inward.  Especially when it hits close to home. 

I've always run away from the hard times in life.  I don't like conflict, I don't like disagreements, I don't like knowing or thinking anyone is frustrated at me.  I had a friend tell me last week that I worry too much about what people think of me.  And it was one of those times where it took me a back, and frustrated me.  And then it smacked me square in the face.  Yes.  I do.  I care too much.  Maybe that's a reason why I run.  Maybe I'm just a coward.  Maybe I just don't deal well with hardships.  I don't know.  But I do.  I care too much and so I hide.  

Death.  It always creeps up on you completely unaware.  One day I was getting ready for a garage sale, happy...unaware.  Another I was celebrating the holidays with family, happy...unaware.   In 1991 I was getting ready for school, in the summer of 1994 I had just walked in the house, in the winter of that same year I was watching a movie with friends.  It has happened while I was laughing and enjoying a dinner out with family.   Most times it catches you off guard.  You have no idea it's coming.  It's just there.  Last Saturday though, I knew it was coming.  I didn't want it to.  I was mad the time was here.  And instead of staring death in the face, I chose to run away to a friends house.  Trying not to think about another death that was coming soon, I was at a party.  I ignored my phone all night.  In fact I gave it to Steve so I wouldn't have it on me.  I knew it was coming.  I was right.  It came.  Like a thief in the night.  So that's it.  Another life.  gone.

This summer I have heard about so much death.  So much illness.  I have heard of cancer robbing life within weeks.  Heart attacks in young women.  We have mentally ill young men running over firemen.  Kids shooting up schools and universities. Alcoholism and drug abuse that rapes the body from the inside out.  Babies born silent.  death surrounds us. It's all around.  

Is this what happens when you get older?  Do we see more death?  Or is this society? Is this where we are now? I'm not dealing well. If I'm 100% honest here, I run away myself.  The thing that took my friend on Saturday, I'm indulging in myself to numb the pain.  You would think I would walk past the wine in honor of him.  Not that I over drink, but you would think it would bring me pause.  The night he passed, was the first night in a long time I chose to over indulge.  Ironic. 

I don't do well with death.  I try to distance myself and ignore it.  I push it way down rather than dealing with it.  I'm scared of it.   I'm not scared of my own death, but of living on when loved ones pass on scares the crap out of me.  How do you go on without them?  I mean, unfortunately I know how.  I do it every day.  But when it happens, that's the question you ask yourself.  How do I live life in a world without them?  Will I see them again?  Are they with their loved ones in Heaven?  Are they finally at peace? 

My mind has been on overload lately with these questions. And though I'm not in a position to ever know these answers definitively, they still rattle around my brain all of my waking hours.  I know there's a bigger picture out there that I'm not at liberty to understand or see.  I get that, but in the simplest of terms, death sucks.  I suck at dealing with it, I suck at embracing it and moving on, I suck at support the people I love deal with it.  Even when I know how to support them.  

I hate death.  Death is a thief.  And uncontrolled thief. It will rob you of dreams and plans, laughter and touch.  It robs you of smells and memories left to make, holidays and every days.  It's a thief.  And though I will embrace the death of my loved ones whom lived a long and happy life, I want to slash it when it robs someone with so much life left to live. So to you death, you suck.  I may be afraid of you, but now I'm just pissed.  You need to take a smoke break.  You've had a good run this summer.  Time to simmer down please. 

1 comments:

Missy said...

Love you Kimmy