emotional rollercoaster

20 October 2010

I'm having one of those days where my anger is getting the best of me. It's been an emotional few days. I've been really worrying about the baby. He's normally a mover and shaker but for the past few days he's been pretty quiet. I've been checking his heartbeat and everything seems to be hard and steady , but I still worry.

So maybe it's my heightened emotions that are allowing my anger to peak, I don't know...maybe it's just a frustrating day. I just know that Asher's disobedience has been very trying for me today.

He's really been testing me. I tell him to stop and he runs. I tell him to stop doing something and he continues to do it. I ask him to come and he runs the other way. Today it was away from the car and through a parking lot. I know part of it is that he has friends who are runners. They'll just take off. No amount of yelling will bring them back. And he's just emulating them. I used to be able to yell 'STOP!' and Asher would stop cold...but now, he runs...just like his friends.

How do you train your children that a certain action is unacceptable in one household but OK in another? And how can a 2 year old even understand that concept? It's hard. You want your children to play with others and enjoy their friendships, but at the same time, their friends can ruin all the 'training' you've just accomplished. It's such a balancing act.

Anyway...today I yelled at him. I spanked him. I grabbed him by the arm multiple times. He just wouldn't listen. And with him running away, and me pregnant, I lose it. I feel horrible. It's been one of those fun, yet horrible days where I'm sure he went to bed thinking his mama hates him since the entire day I spent yelling and disciplining him when all he was doing was 'having fun'. Days like this make me feel spent and a horrible example of a mother.

It will be a lovely day when my hormone levels are finally back to normal and my emotions are in check. I just feel so crazy some days with all the hormonal changes, fear, anxiety, guilt, hurt, heartache, love, laughter and hope all flowing through me at the same time.

girl talk

18 October 2010

This is your warning boys...

My boobs are huge. And I'm not saying that just to put it out there, but it makes me wonder...I wasn't this big with Selah. And unfortunately I can't remember when I was pregnant with Asher what they were like and even if I did, they were different back then...pre-nursing boobs...oh how I miss you! But I do know that there's a major difference between Selah and this new babe. Which makes me think. Could my 'problem' be a hormonal one? Or maybe something else? Now, when we lost Jorai, my milk did come in. Majorly. It was horrible. But when I lost Selah it never came in...and Asher had even started nursing again. But for the past month, my breasts already feel full of milk. They're heavy and I've grown out of my bras.

I guess it could be the weight gain. I've gained weight over the past 6 weeks...more than I probably should...so it could be that. But they're warm and heavy too. It just makes me think. I wanted to talk to my doc about it last week, but I forgot. I'm only meeting with the NP next time...so I'm not sure if she'll have any answers. But I'll bring it up. I just think it's strange. I guess it could all be a fluke...but what if it's not. What if there's something my body doesn't produce when I get pregnant with girls? I could be totally out there, I just think it's interesting.

Oh my dear boy


Why is it so fun to remove your pants and diaper? Why is it so fun to feel the cool breeze on your boyhood and stick you booty up in the air for all to see your goods? Don't you know that diapers are placed on you for a reason?
Asher loves to remove his pants and diaper. Luckily, he's never removed a dirty one, just ones soaked with urine. But I know one day I'll walk up to his room and there will be poo smeared all over. This is not something I'm looking forward to...at...all!

Today as I was waiting for him to calm himself and settle down for his nap, I casually looked over at his video monitor (and this is another reason why I love it so!) only to find his booty stuck straight up in the air. He normally only takes off his diaper after his nap, so this is a new trick to get me back up in his room. The stinker! And it's not like I can ignore it. I really don't want to clean up poo and/or urine from this carpet and bed. I have to go back up there. Oh my, what a stinker.

In nursing news, even though we haven't nursed for a few months, he still asks for it. When he sees 'the girls' out he reaches for them or tries to get close enough where he can latch on. Today at a friends house he saw a little girl nursing and couldn't stop talking about it. He then proceeded to lay down in my lap and press his mouth to my clothed boob. I think we're going to have a bit of a jealousy thing happen when the new baby comes. Which is why I stopped nursing him in the first place. I didn't want nursing to be a fight. Oh my.

He's such a darling boy. But man, oh man, can he be a handful!!!


I just wanted to document this some where. Today Asher and I started Juice Plus+. We eat pretty well, but I know we're both lacking in the veggie department and I'm lacking a bit on fruit. And with all of my pregnancies and nursing for 2+ years, I know my body is depleted, so I wanted to try it. I currently take a prenatal vitamin, DEHA and Vit. D and I'm going to continue taking them, but I wanted to add this to my regimen as well. I think I'm going to keep Asher on his multi and definitely on his DHA and vit D.

So, I'll keep you posted on our health and energy...not that Asher needs any more energy!, but I'll document our journey. I want to keep us on them for at least 6 months after giving birth...so about 1 year, and then I'll re-assess. But I'm excited about starting this new journey...and as I say this, I've just gobbled up a whole bunch of chocolate/chocolate Trader Joe's O's! I have issues!!

update on me

17 October 2010

I haven't been posting lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm tired...maybe it's because I feel as if I'm complaining too much. I don't know. I just know it's been awhile. I keep thinking of logging on and letting all these thoughts leave me head, but I never do.

I think it's time for an update.

Asher is hilarious and is changing daily. He's a lover and a bit violent in his loving moments at the same time. But we've been working together and watching how others act around him and it's been amazing how much he's changed. I think when you pay attention, real close attention and find a discipline that works for your kid, amazing things happen. He
can still be a stinker, don't get me wrong, but for the most part, he's really turned himself around.

He's talking a ton more now and stringing words together. It's been fun talking with him, though his favorite word lately has been 'why?'...he says it after everything. Over and over and over again. I finally just have to start ignoring him. I feel bad about it, but how do you answer why a car is a car? Or the why he ate something? Silly kid.

He's having his boyhood surgery in mid November and I'm freaking out about it. It scares me to death. I hate that he has to go through this and I feel bad that he'll be in pain and probably scared. Plus since I know someone who had a devastating reaction to anesthetic, I'm most nervous about that. But I know it's the right choice and we just have to trust the doctor to do his thing....there's that action that haunts me...trust.

As for me and the baby, every thing seems fine. I've been a basket-case for the past few weeks. I can't stop thinking of loss. I can't stop thinking that, the last jab I just felt will be the last. I'm 24 weeks. The week I lost Selah. 4 weeks from when I lost Jorai. I can't get away from the fear. People keep asking me at what point will I start to relax. And the truth is, not until I hear a loud scream coming from my wet squirmy baby boy in early February. I've started my ultrasounds...every 2 weeks...for a while and then I start bio-physical profiles and nst's. He's a squirmier and kicker and puncher. I feel him move around a ton. Which is nice. He also likes to show his boyhood. A lot. It's always the first sight I see in an ultrasound. Thank goodness we wanted to find out the sex this time around. The minute a tech puts an ultrasound probe on my tummy, I see legs spread and little boy bits waving hello...now do you think I can get a look at his cute little face? No way. Penis yes, face, no. Hence the lack of ultrasound photos. I seem to have a plethora of leg, hand and penis shots, but no profiles. What a stinker.

That's about it. I've been trying to fill my day and mind with Asher. I find comfort and laughter and love in our time together. I try to focus on us. And not think about what may come. But fear does sneak in, daily, hourly. One thing I've been surprised about, is that I'm already getting excited about Christmas. I'm already thinking about how we can celebrate with Asher and I feel a sense of peace and happiness that surprises me. I thought Christmas was ruined for us since we lost Selah on December 21st. But it seems, that maybe, though it will be hard, I think we'll still be happy and feel blessed this Christmas. And that brings me joy.

So that's it for now. I'll try to check in more often. Cheers my friends.