big boy

30 June 2009


I still look at Asher and think 'WOW!!! A year ago this amazing little boy was inside of me!' Well, I guess it's been over a year now. My little boy is a year and almost 3 weeks! Crazy.

He's gone from this little baby to a rambunctious walking and talking toddler! It's been such an amazing year to watch his growth. I know I've been lax lately about posting pictures and updates...seeing his birthday was 3 weeks ago and still no pictures have been uploaded! I'll work on that this weekend! Until then, I think there are a few things I need to post before Asher stops doing them and I forget. So here's a new list of some things he now does:

  • When he bumps into something or falls, instead of crying he now looks at me, scrunches up his face to pout and squint his eyes and then growls. It's hilarious! I try not to laugh, but most times I fail.
  • He has found his wonder down under. And whenever he's diaperless he has to explore, which usually means jamming a toy into it. This morning as he was pushing his sun down there so I tried to distract him with some water. He instantly grabbed his sippy and stuck the straw down there. He will also feel himself and then stand up, turn around, and sit back down to instantly look down to see if 'it's' followed him. Too funny.
  • He is the master of taking his diaper off. He'll un-velcro one side and step out of it. When I tell him to come over to get a new diaper, he runs the other way. I've started putting his diaper on backwards to keep him from the act.
  • He hides behind corners and slowly looks around them to see if you're looking. If he sees you, he'll run away laughing.
  • He likes to crawl on top of me or Steve to wrestle.
  • He signs more and all done. When we wants to nurse he's dropped the sign and instead just runs up to the chair we nurse in and starts banging on it and screaming.
  • When I ask him if he wants to take a bath or nap, he walks to the stairs ad starts climbing them.
  • He loves to dance and when he gets excited he stomps around like a Russian dancer....must be my Russian roots coming through!
  • He'll kiss any inanimate object...a book, his plastic puppy, a stuffed animal...even his own shoe, but he has yet to give us a real kiss. Though he will touch his forehead to ours or push his nose into ours. That's his kiss for us.
  • He crawls and climbs up anything he can. He climbs up the barricade that 'keeps' him away from the TV. Which talking about the TV, he likes to stand in front of it with his face pressed against the screen. I try to keep him away but he's drawn to it.
  • He has learned that if he drops his puff container, all the puffs will explode out of it. This is a daily happening.
  • He thinks that every car ride includes snacks. I can't go anywhere without him screaming or clapping his hands for a snack.
  • He's VERY particular about his snacks and if you give him something he doesn't want, he'll chuck it and ask for another snack. He'll do this with any food. Last night he was enjoying some meatballs when all of a sudden he must have decided he'd had his fill, so he started throwing them on the floor.
  • If you offer him something he doesn't want he'll slap your hand or the spoon away and food will go flying.
  • When he's nursing, sometimes my let down isn't fast enough for him and he gets impatient, so he starts slapping or pinching my girls...which of course isn't pleasant for me so I place my hand on them to stop him. This of course only frustrates him more and he starts trying to pry my hand away and scream with my nipple in his mouth. It's quite amusing.
  • If I sing or hum, he'll join in.
  • He loves to bring us books to read, but he never lets us finish more than 2 pages before he grabs the book, walks away and sits down to flip through the pages himself. Within a minute or so, he brings the book back to us and the whole process starts over. Although if we read him either Peek-a-zoo or Barnyard Dance, he laughs and sits through the entire book.
  • He loves dogs and whenever he sees one he points and makes a little squeal.
  • As soon as Steve walks in the door, he runs over for a hug and then gets down and walks to the door to go outside. He knows Steve will play with him all day outside and he has papa trained!
  • He is getting better, but still likes to draw water up his sippy straw, swallow a little and spit the rest back out. It's annoying. I've tried a normal sippy that he has to tip up, but he never remembers to tip it and so he gets mad and start sscreaming when nothing comes out.
  • Every time I go in to get him from a nap or in the morning, all of his toys, and if used, his blanket has been thrown out of the crib.
  • He loves the hose and runs to it as soon as we get outside. He'll just play with it in it's roller but he loves to hold it when watering the plants.
  • He has started to push air out and into his nostrils really fast and then starts laughing.
  • He can click his tongue and he thinks he's so cool when he does it.
  • He plays patty-cake and when asked how big he is, he throws his hands way up in the air.
  • He gives high 5's.
  • He got his 7th tooth on Sunday. It's the tooth next to the front bottom right one.
  • He loves the water whether it's his pool or a bath or the lake...but the waves totally freak him out and he starts screaming.
  • He loves sand and dirt and will dig in it for hours.
I think that's about it for now. I'll try to post pictures, especially his b-day pics, this weekend.

help, I've fallen

28 June 2009

I feel as if I've fallen in a bit of a rut lately. I feel blah. I feel like I'm at home all day teaching and playing and laughing and running and throwing and chasing my amazing child around. And when he's sleeping, I'm recovering from teaching and playing and laughing and running and throwing and chasing...or I'm cleaning and picking up and washing diapers and dishes and floors and toilets just to watch them all get destroyed again. That's my day. Over and over again. I'm not complaining. I want to be here for my son. We're poor and we can't do or buy the things we used to, but it's all worth it. I love my new job.

But some days I don't want to do the cleaning and picking up and making dinner and washing dishes. Some days, I want someone to take care of me. Some days I want to be a child again. Man, we had it made didn't we?!?! I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have really appreciated my mom more! Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job out there!

Some days, like today, I want to torch my house to deep clean and de-clutter. I feel like I'm in this never ending,
ever piling, world of clutter and mess. I want to re-organized but that will take purchasing a storage cabinet for our living/dining room and I hate spending money. So I don't...I just try to deal...but the mess ensues. I'm sick of looking at it all so I'm going to go downstairs to watch a movie and forget about the mess...but tomorrow morning as I'm teaching and playing and laughing and running and throwing and chasing my amazing child around, and cleaning and picking up and washing diapers and dishes and floors and toilets, I'm going to see all this clutter and get frustrated all over again.

Can someone throw me a rope to get me outta this rut? I need to shake off the frustration and tackle the mess. I need to prioritize and re-evaluate. I need a hit my refresh button and take a different look.


15 June 2009

In Hebrew, Me'ah means heart. More literally it means the place of love.

When we were deciding what to get inscribed on Asher's new chair, we wanted to get something that symbolized Jorai. In correspondence we sign a heart for Jorai. So we originally wanted to get a heart monogrammed into the fabric. But they don't do symbols. Because of that, we chose to
translate heart into another language. In our searching we found Me'ah and fell in love with the idea.

And then we found out that they couldn't do punctuation. Blasted. So, we chose to keep Me'ah and just place a space between the letters. They told us that it would be Me ah. I thought I could find a way to get an apostrophe in there. When we received the chair, it was spelled Me Ah. It looks like crap. Thankfully they said that because someone promised that we could have lowercase letters after the space, and they were wrong, we could return it.

So now we're going to get it spelled Meah. No space, no punctuation. But there's a part of me that wants to forgo the personalization and find a super cool heart patch. Any way, that's the story behind the chair and the personalization. We've gotten a lot of questions about it. We didn't want to personalize it for Asher since hopefully we'll have another child, so we wanted to bring Jorai's memory into play. Since she's a big part of our heart, we wanted to show that off and give the kids a place to be in her love. As cheesy as it sounds...


This month we're going to start 'trying' to concieve. It's funny. Until about 2 weeks ago, I really haven't been ready to think about getting pregnant. But over the past few weeks, I went from being scared to thinking I just couldn't do it, to thinking that maybe I could do it to being really excited about giving Asher another sibling.

I wonder a lot how this pregnancy will go...if I get preggers. Will I be a basketcase as I was with Asher? Or will I be OK. Maybe a mix...I'm not sure. But I'm excited about the future. I'm ready, well, as ready as a mama can be. It might happen this month, or next month or in another month...maybe never...but I'm excited about the possibility and I think that's cool.

Here's to good fertility!

Advice please.


For the past year and almost 1 week, I have nursed Asher to sleep. Well, not 'to sleep', but it's the last thing that happens before I place him in his crib at night. He's one of those kids that's ALWAYS on the go, unless he's nursing to sleep. That is the only thing that calms him down. Although he loves baths and gets them almost nightly, they're not a calming time. They're a play and splash time. We read books, but that too is not a real quiet time as he's walking around with the book, pulling out toys and really, not even paying attention to the book most times. So here's the delima...

I'm the solo putter to bed parent. Steve helps with baths and PJ's and stories, but then it's all me. I actually love this time. But I also would love to not be strapped down at bed time. I'd like to have a sitter some nights who could put the boy down. We've started to talk about sleep training Asher to get him used to not having me around as the last calmer, but we don't know how to do to start. I've talked to one of my friends already, but I wanted to know if anyone else had any ideas. Should we start with bedtime? Should I start with nap time? Should we tackle both at once? I was thinking about nursing him before his bath and then having Steve rock and read to him. Once Steve puts him down and he starts screaming, because I know he will...should we take turns going up to calm him? Or should it be just Steve? I know if I go up, he'll point to his nursing chair, as he always does...and I don't want to break down...

How long should I let him fuss before I nurse him? Or should I never nurse him? I'm anxious already. I know it's going to be a loud and stressful few nights. And I know I brought this on myself, but it felt right for our family to do's just going to be a rough transition.

Anyway, if anyone has any words of wisdom, I'm all ears.

Asher week 53

12 June 2009

Asher week 52

Asher week 51

Asher week 50

11 June 2009

Asher week 49

Asher week 48

Birthday surprises


WOW! Asher is 1. Well, almost 1. Officially, he'll be 1 @ 11:28 this evening...but still...


In celebration of his own birthday, he's already given us a morning birthday present that was dropped on the floor. I guess letting your 1 year old, walk around diaperless isn't the best idea! And then he proceeded to use his new play broom to push it around. FUN!! So I got to clean up Asher poo off the floor plus take a new favorite toy away from a very sad little boy because it too, was poopy. It's been a very exciting birthday morning over here!

After an almost napless day yesterday, he did manage to pull an 11 1/2 hour uninterrupted sleep last night! That's his longest stretch so far. And he's been happy as a clam all day with the exception on me taking his poop broom away. I'm sure he's excited for his big family birthday celebration on Saturday. We really don't have anything planned for today...does that make me a bad mama?!? Maybe I should make him something special for dinner...or give him his first taste of peanut exciting!

I still remember last year so well. Man, I wanted Asher out!!! If I only knew what I was in for I think I would have enjoyed my last few days without a living child a bit more...but as all women waiting to meet their child, I couldn't wait any longer.

This past year has been life changing. It's been challenging and scary and sleep deprived...but mostly, just beautiful and fulfilling and joy filled. Thank you Asher for joining our family. Thank you for being such a joy to raise and love and watch grown and learn. I love you so very much my dear son. And just as in the meaning of name, you are truly a blessing. Even when you do poo on the floor! Let's just not make it a habit!!

Happy Birthday Jorai Mae

03 June 2009

I'm surprised at how OK I am today. Maybe it's because I have a little ball of laughter who wants extra snuggles today...I don't know. But I'm OK. Thanks for everyone who has emailed and called to let us know you're thinking about us today. It means so much. I miss Jorai. I really, miss her every day and this day is just another day...but it's not...and this is hard to describe, but I'm glad it feels like just another day to me this year. Is that wrong?

I guess what I'm saying is, last night I could feel myself being transported back to that hospital bed. The noises and smells and regrets. The coldness and silence and gut retching sorrow...but then I prayed. I prayed hard. I prayed for those thoughts melt away, but mostly I prayed for my friends little boy who in the hospital right because his heart is racing too face, and I prayed for friends and pastors and family and health...I prayed and prayed...and then fell asleep, to wake feeling joy. Well, at first sleepy..but then joy because I could hear Asher in his room talking and laughing and then when I went in to nurse him, he was all smiles and snuggles.

I do remember Jorai's birth today and I honor her all too short life and our all too short time together here on earth. And I'm looking forward to going to dinner tonight with Steve and Asher to celebrate her life and how she continues to touch our lives and others lives even though she's not physically here anymore...But I'm not least not right now.

I had this beautiful little girl grace my life for 7 dream filled months. I got to look at and touch and hold and kiss her before she was taken away. She continues to be a part of my life every day. And today, I don't feel sad, but rather blessed to have known her. I feel blessed to have such an amazing daughter. I feel blessed knowing that one day, we will be reunited again. And that will be amazing.

Happy Birthday my sweet. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you were here all day and every day. We miss you and love you and can't wait to be Home with you, when it's time to come. Big hugs and kisses galore my sweet.

Terrible news revisited

02 June 2009


2 years ago, we received the most terrible news we could have heard.

'This is where your child's heart is. I'm sorry to say that it's not beating'
Our dreams with this child were shattered. 2 years ago I was lying in a hospital bed, waiting to deliver a child that would never look at me. Never reach for me or call me mama. I was laying in a hospital ward filled with people becoming parents to screaming babies, but I knew mine would be so silent.

Tomorrow we're going to celebrate Jorai's birth. And we've been talking about her and deciding what we want to do to celebrate, but it never hit me until 2 minutes ago where we were 2 years ago. I'm not going back there tonight. I don't have the energy. It's too devastating to think about.

I wish I could fix this problem. I wish no one had to go through this type of loss. I'll never be able to wrap my mind or heart around it. My heart aches thinking about it.

2 years ago I was planning on meeting my sweet baby girl. A meeting that was over way too soon. A dream that was over way too soon. The dream of her life. It blew out way too soon, way too suddenly. I miss you Jorai.