Showing posts from July, 2007
i feel a bit sad today. i should be happy, getting ready for our trip and knowing in 12 hours or so we'll be breathing in the air of seattle. cool and crisp air from the sound. i miss home.

the waiting is hard on me. the days between ovulation and the first day of my period. wanting to take a pregnancy test, but knowing it's too soon. doing daily body checks and evaluations to see if i feel or look different, maybe i can tell if i'm pregnant. i want a glass of wine, but if i'm pregnant, should i? so i don't. we want so badly to be pregnant. steve has a feeling i am, although he thought i was before we got pregnant with Jorai...and i wasn't. i think he's just so excited to be pregnant again. he wants so much to be a papa. i want him to be a papa. i love all of you dads out there who read my blog, but i honestly think he will be the best papa i know, if we're ever blessed. he is the most caring and patient man. even right after losing Jorai,…


i'm finding a loss of hope in this world, so i decided to promote it.

webster defines hope as:

to cherish a desire with anticipationwhy do so many young people in this world lose their hope? did the current elders of our community, our nation, our world, once lose their hope too? and if so, looking at our youngers losing their hope, shows me that we're headed for the same outcome. becoming a bunch of settlers.

i saw a bumper sticker today that read

support your local revolution

i'm going to start a revolution to stop my friends from giving up. when did we all become a bunch of sissy's, that just lay down? why aren't we fighting for this world to become better? i'm tired of hearing people (present company included!) complain how crappy their situation or this nation is, yet do nothing to make it better.
i have to keep hope that God will bless us with children. i have to have hope that my family will one day love one another for w…
we're leaving tomorrow night for washington. i haven't been back in almost 4 years. it will be good to get lost in the woods again, see old friends and breath in the mountain air. i probably won't be blogging. my folks do have a computer, but the connection is snail slow, but i will probably be checking my email on and off. as much as it will be wonderful being in the woods, it will feel strange not being on the computer...for the past 2 months, this has been my outlet. i'll actually have to start penning my thoughts rather than typing them!!

here's where we're going. it's a small town in the foothills of mt. rainier called packwood. my family has a cabin there.

the's tiny and surrounded by national forest.

the cabin

a cool waterfall near bypackwood lake

we'll be back on the 7th. until then, peace

cas haley

this guy rocks...he's on that show americas got talent. i think they just need to hand him a recording he seems like such a genuinly cool kat.

thoughts of late

James 3: 1-12

Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment. For we all stumble in many ways If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well. Now if we put the bits into the horses' mouths so that they will obey us, we direct their entire body as well. Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things.

See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the hum…

photos of late

here's the picasa link.

the first is a pic steve took at kristas b-day party of her cousin, mathue and a super cool lawn game.

then we show the carnage of what happens when a tree falls towards your house. all in all, we were extremely lucky. the deck got a bit of a scratch and our wedding arbor is no more, but no house damage.

next are a few from our south haven venture with shanna, travis and barend.

the last few are from the newman family picnic when the kiddos decided to put on a play for us.


here's the slideshow


i've gotten a lot of calls and concerns regarding my last post. thank you all for praying for us. i've gotten the ok from my husband to open up a bit more, so here it is. steve was just diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma. which i guess is the 'best' cancer to have. it's skin cancer. he's had a spot on his forehead for a while now and although he went to the doctor a few months ago, he was misdiagnosed. when the spot kept breaking open and bleeding, i was finally able to convince him, with his mothers help, to get it rechecked. they took a biopsy and it came back as basal cell carcinoma. there's no big treatment with the exception of cutting it out and then watching to make sure it doesn't come back. and he'll need to be a lot more careful in the sun from now on.

now that i know what's fully going on, i feel a bit more relieved, although i must admit when i first heard the word carcinoma...i thought my world was ending again.


when it rains, it pours

please pray for us. we just found out that we have a scary health issue going on right now. we'd appreciate any prayers you can throw our way. sorry to be so vague...
i had my interview this morning. it went well. the position sounds really cool. i would be creating wellness programs for lcc. the pay stinks and it sounds like for the amount of work i'll be doing, it's really stinky. but it also sounds really cool. and i wouldn't have to drive or share my position with someone and get crap hours that switch every week. i also wouldn't have to deal with the union and all the crap that goes along with that. i'd miss my co-workers and my clients, but i think this may be a cool opportunity. i'd only be working 30 hours a week, which would be nice. i don't know...i hate making decisions like this.

we're leaving for washington on tuesday. i'm really looking forward to that. i haven't been there in 3 years. i won't be going back home to port angeles, but it will still be wonderful. we'll be able to just relax in the woods. listen to wildlife and gushing water. we'll be at the foothill of mt…
losing weight is ironic. i had my 6 week follow-up yesterday. i have lost 19 pounds since 2 days after having Jorai. 19 pounds! you would think that i would have noticed it. 19 pounds is huge. i know some of it was water weight ad such, but 19 pounds? i have a fake fat glob that represents 5 pounds of fat. it's pretty big. i lost 4 of those, yet i still can't squeeze my baby back and front into pants. i have been upstairs for an hour trying on my 'professional' clothes, hoping that something would fit for my interview on thursday. nothing fits.

i gained 20 pounds within 7 months of pregnancy. i've lost 19. how can i still not squeeze myself into anything? oye. as much as i don't want to, i think i need to run out and buy something. i find it cruel that i used to try to lose weight all the time before pregnancy and now after birth, i can lose 19 pounds in 6 weeks (i know, it wasn't healthy...don't yell) and still not squeeze into anythin…
grief is such an interesting process. it's different for everyone and it's probably handled differently in each circumstance. some days i feel ok, some i feel like crap. some days i can go about my day and be enjoying the light when all of a sudden the darkness comes out of nowhere. lately, it's been the night. i can have a good day, exercise and keep myself busy all day but i never get tired. i go to bed, because it's late, and i don't like to go to bed without steve but i just lay there and think about Jorai. for hours i just think. i try to pray to be released from the anxiety, but it still haunts me. i deep breath to try to will myself to sleep, but it's still there. i try to remember the last time i felt her move, i rethink the entire day. i think about the call i made to the doctor and the drive into the hospital. how i knew we already lost our daughter. how all i wanted was to feel her move, but the movement never came. i think about laying …
it has finally sunk in. i've learned that by carrying Jorai for those 7 months really puts me in a new ballgame. no one, who has not gone through losing a child, can fully understand this pain and loss. not even my loving and amazing husband. though he feels a loss that is horrible and consuming, he doesn't feel the little things that end up making this healing process so difficult.

in the beginning it was the obvious healing. the bleeding...that redness that in my mind brought me back to Jorai's birth and the trickle of blood that rolled out of her nose. each time i saw the blood coming out of me, i thought of the blood that came from her. then my milk coming in. the physical pain and the emotional pain. i was so looking forward to breast feeding. then it was the lineanegra, the brown line from your navel to the nether regions that some pregnant women get. i still have mine. every time i see my naked body, i can still see the line that i couldn't wait to g…
i'm trying to balance the excitement of getting pregnant with the unknown that God will throw our way. i'm trying to balance all of God's blessings and all of His teachings. i want to look at the day with excitement, but some days i wonder what He'll need me to go through next.

what if my excitement to become pregnant only ends in us not being able to conceive or worse, going through another loss like Jorai?

how do i keep myself level? how do i look at the day with hope and not apprehension? today was good...but right now i feel our loss. i miss our girl. it doesn't help that gracie by ben folds just came through the speakers. ouch.

if you find the answers i seek, send 'em my way.
i still look at people and wonder why they have been blessed with children, yet our child was taken away. i know i shouldn't do this. i know i shouldn't judge others parenting skills and the blessings they have, but i contiually find myself doing it. when i hear a mother call her 1 1/2 year old butt-head, i have a very hard time not turning around and telling her my thoughts. i was extremely close this afternoon. i almost yelled at a person in the parking lot. i wanted to say that she should feel blessed to have a child and that no child deserves to be called names especially by an inconsiderate and intolerable mother who brings her 1 1 2/2 year old child into a movie theater to watch a harry potter movie and then proceeds to call her child a butt-head because he wouldn't let her watch the movie.

first things first. the kid is 1 1/2 half! who knows a toddler who can sit through a 2 hour and 15 min flick...let alone a 30 minute movie.

second. it's a scary movie! …
i think i'm going to go see if i can get in to see harry potter tomorrow morning at 11. i'm thinking that there may be a chance at lansing mall 6. so if there's anyone who wants to take a chance with me, give me a call. it will probably be sold out, but seeing it's lansing 6...there's always a chance that folks won't want to see it there...
bringing Jorai home was harder than i thought. to be honest, i've been meaning to call sparrow for the past 2 weeks. they were suppose to call us when she came in. it was only suppose to take 2-4 weeks. she was cremated on 7 june 07. sparrow must have had her for a while. i just couldn't make myself call. i wanted her home, yet i didn't. bringing her home was the last step. i knew she was gone. i new the only way she would come home would be in a box. my mind knew these things, but my heart just couldn't grasp it.

Jorai came home in a white plastic box and inside the while plastic box is a clear plastic bag tied with a twisty with a metal number dangling from it. her ashes are only a few tablespoons. i can't express to you what it's like to have held my baby girl and then to see her in that plastic bag.

she's sitting here in front of me, in this little plastic box. silence fills the room. no cries or coos or breathing. just silence.

last night i …
steve just called. 5 words spilled from him lips.

'i'm bringing Jorai home tonight.'

my heart sank and tears immediately filled my eyes. a lump in my throat grew.

i used to long for the first time we would bring Jorai home. to sleep with her and smell her. to listen to her breathe and kiss her skin. but not this way. i never thought we would bring our child home as ashes.

but i'm glad she's coming home. i've been waiting. i guess this is the final step though. she's really back with us and she's really gone. i have proof now. i have her ashes. she's really never going to come home alive. not that i thought that really...this just brings it into reality for me. i have to be ready when steve walks through that door. i have to be ready.

mommas been waiting for you baby girl.


friday was a busy one with getting ready to leave for a full weekend and meeting with my aunt for lunch. it was the first time we met since Jorai passed. so i had to rehash everything. which although that's hard, i've gotten to enjoy (in a way) retelling her story. it's all i have of her really. her story. i guess it's the one thing i can share with people. but it does take a lot out of me. then, friday night we went to steve's friends house. it was nice to spend some time with them. we had a nice dinner and then some time on the lake, but when their daughter asked if i was a mom, my response crushed me...the saturday morning post explains that...

saturday was fun. we went to a friends party. it was nice to spend time with them. they are the kind of friends that make friendships naturally fun. i feel refreshed around them. the party was nice. there were 3 kids running around and felt ok with that. but then steve and i were talking to someone abou…

as requested

here's the new do. you can't see the color very well...but ya get the point anyway. next up, new glasses and hitting the workout circuit. i want to be back to pre-baby weight before putting on more baby weight...oye...


this weekend was hard. i'll post later about that.

but in other news...i seem to have just landed an interview on july 25 for a position at lcc. it's part time work in employee wellness. sounds interesting. it's a significant pay cut, but a lot less mileage to work and it will get me out of my current poopy situation! and working at a college sounds cool. we'll see. i'll post more when i know more.


i was on a boat with some of steve's friends last night when a 5 year old asked me if i was a mom. after thinking about it, i said no. what do you say to a five year old. how do you tell her that yes, i am a mom, but my daughter isn't with us anymore? so i thought it would be easier to say no. as soon as the word 'no' hit my lips, i felt guilty. i felt like i was ignoring my child. like she never existed.

i've been crushed ever since.

i am a mother. to an amazing child i never met. God has used Jorai to teach me more that i thought was possible. i thank God for her and miss her every day. i am a momma. i just don't have my little girl her on earth with me. i want you all to know that.

i've been changed

it's short folks. not too short...but about an inch or so above the shoulders...dyed a rusty red with chunky blonde highlights. it's different. i keep doing a double take in the mirror. i love it.

we're going to d-town this weekend to spend some time with friends and steve's folks. i'm worried a bit that it will be a bit too overwhelming for me. i hope it's not. i've been better with that. but this will be a whole weekend of interaction. i hope i can stay strong.

also, a friend asked me to be her friend on i accepted and thought that would be it...well, it's i guess i'm now on facebook...but with this blog and myspace, i probably won't spend a lot of time on it. i don't really even know what facebook is..guess i better go peak around.

have a wonderful weekend everyone. i'll be back on monday.


a change

grief is such a strange journey. your up one minute, down the next, laughing then crying, you see the good in your loss but then you don't care about the good because all you want is your loss. it's a constant change. your emotions are all over the place. and i think it may be the worst with the death of a child after birth, because you have all the postpartum juices flowing and crashing all over the place, and then your grief emotions are lathered on top. i have so many hormones and emotions crashing around this tired old body. i truly feel sorry for my amazingly caring and wonderful husband. in a way i feel manic. joking around with him one minute but then hardly able to speak through my sobs the next.

and what's up with the grief process that makes you want change? is this typical or just me? after my breakdown yesterday i realized that i had to do something or i may punch a hole in the wall...and as i looked around the house, i realized that i needed change. …

exhausted but back on track

thanks for letting me rant. i feel a bit silly...but i'm glad i got it out.

tiffany gave me a book to read that has really helped me along this journey of healing. it seems like every time i pick it put, i learn something. it's called life is tough but God is faithful by Sheila Walsh. i read something yesterday that really hit home and just picked up the book to read some more when i re-read what i found yesterday and felt silly for my earlier outburst. so here it is.
our sense of right is built in

there's something built into every human being that says 'i have rights!' when we read in romans 12:1 that all christians are 'living sacrifices', it sounds so noble. we hold onto that wonderful thought without ever wondering what the implications might be. when paul used the words 'living sacrifices' he meant something much different from the old system.

in the old testament, a lamb was not consulted as to how it felt after being offered as a sac…

prayers needed

or a bat...that would feel nice. or a sledge hammer anything heavy that i could smash this house down. i'm trying really hard here to control my anger. i'm really trying not to feel sorry for myself but it's just not going to happen right now.

i feel like my world just keeps getting suckier and suckier. God is really allowing me to be put through the ringer here. and i'm about to blow. first it was my job, then my child, then my job again and now it's the stupid union that doesn't do squat for me anyway. i just got informed that i have to pay $50/month to a nursing union and i'm not even a nurse. but because some incredibly selfish people had to go through the nurses union so they could get what they want and then retire, i now am stuck with it too. when i called to let them know i had lost 3 of my 5 days they said it didn't matter. i still had to pay the same price everyone else does. so really, the only thing they can do for me since i'…


**mood: gutted
**noise:a living prayer ~ alison krauss

i was having a good morning. made myself a latte and warmed up some blueberry pancakes, which is a feat seeing that i haven't been eating until 1ish...i watched an office episode and laughed and was ready to run upstairs to jump in the shower when i decided to check some blogs. mistake on my part.

first off, i love being around children and pregnant people. wish is strange in a way. you would think it would be hard. but it's not, really. i mean it pulls a bit, but i just think that children and pregnancy are such miracles. and to know that a child is growing in someones belly is simply amazing. and exciting. i was elated all winter/spring. i found out a friend is 11 weeks pregnant last sunday and she was beaming. how cool...

but today, as i was reading blogs, someone was describing how excited these last few weeks will be awaiting her child. how she can't wait to see her child's eyes and touch his skin. w…
**mood: ok
**noise:out of the depths ~ sineado'conner

i want to start by saying thank you. you have all done so much to help me heal. whether it was coming to the hospital, bringing dinners, sending flowers or gifts, sending quick emails or comments of support, encouragement and love, sitting and listening, stopping by or calling to check up on us, praying for us, crying with us. all that you've done, thank you. i know it's just 2 little words but they are filled with all the love and true gratitude i have. a quick prayer, a brief message, a dinner...they touched us beyond belief and helped us in immeasurable amounts. thank you.

these past 29 days i've spend in my house. the quietness has been healing. my journaling has been healing. spending time in rage, in prayer, in frustration and in peace has all been healing. within the past 5 days, i've noticed a change within me. a quiet. i still hurt. i still long for a dream that will never come to fruition. …

1 month

i can't believe it's been 1 month since we lost Jorai. last night was the first night that i felt somewhat normal. we went to church for the 3rd time since Jorai passed, but last night, it felt different. with the exception of the looks i still see behind me from folks that don't know how to approach us and the woman who asked how much longer i had left. (ok, this was the second i honestly still look pregnant?!?), it felt like a normal saturday night. then we went to dinner with friends and to brandon's amazing bonfire. we had great conversations and it honestly felt normal. i wasn't hurting. i wasn't tired by having too much human interaction. i was me. it felt nice.

it's been a month...i was pregnant for over 7 months and within 2 days we got the horrific news and i birthed our little girl. for the past month i've gone through a hell i wish no one had to endure. but it's been a month and i'm still breathing. i'm lau…