ugh

**mood: gutted
**noise:a living prayer ~ alison krauss

i was having a good morning. made myself a latte and warmed up some blueberry pancakes, which is a feat seeing that i haven't been eating until 1ish...i watched an office episode and laughed and was ready to run upstairs to jump in the shower when i decided to check some blogs. mistake on my part.

first off, i love being around children and pregnant people. wish is strange in a way. you would think it would be hard. but it's not, really. i mean it pulls a bit, but i just think that children and pregnancy are such miracles. and to know that a child is growing in someones belly is simply amazing. and exciting. i was elated all winter/spring. i found out a friend is 11 weeks pregnant last sunday and she was beaming. how cool...

but today, as i was reading blogs, someone was describing how excited these last few weeks will be awaiting her child. how she can't wait to see her child's eyes and touch his skin. when i read her words my stomach sank. like i had just started the decent on a roller coaster. i am so excited for her. yet her excitement reminded me of what i've lost. i never got to see Jorai's eyes. i'll never know their color. i wanted to lift up her eyelids, but i was afraid of what i'd see. i'll never touch her skin. and quite honestly, i hardly remember what it felt like other than it was cold and paper thin.

i guess this is how it's going to be now. i'll be going about my day, fine and smiling and then it'll hit. the desperation. the emptiness. i've never fully understood the word gutted before. i do now. it honestly feels like some type of cold, dull tool scooped out all of my insides to leave me empty.

i sure do miss Jorai.