Showing posts from August, 2007
the following conversation is not a happened at 5ish today while i was leaving work.

co-worker: so how's motherhood going?
me: what?
co-worker: how's motherhood?
me: are you serious? do you not know?
co-worker: what?
me: we lost our daughter. she was born still at 7 months.
co-worker: i'm so sorry.

God totally protected me and i was able to handle the situation with out screaming or wailing...but can you believe that? how's motherhood? i told him 'shitty'.

i felt bad for him...i know that he felt like crap.

so i've lost all the weight i had put on in pregnancy within 2 months, but my tummy has this sagginess that's just not acceptable to me. well, i finally decided to get to getting and try to whip myself back into shape. i found this 20 minute video called core's a core strengthener video that you use with one of those huge balancing balls. i used it yesterday. today i am in pain. good pain, i know, but pain nonetheless!

i think this may just work. but man is it painful!
today was rough. with my emotions all over the place from yesterday and the hospital charging me nursery expenses from Jorai...ummm...she was never in the now, i believe allergies. i'd had about enough.

so i came home to download the most recent big love episode. a show that i've recently become addicted to.'s a bit sexy, but surprisingly, it has some really cool moral dilemmas throughout. after downloading and then watching it, i decided to make a blt. i've been craving one for a while now and since i no longer eat bacon, i thought that all might be lost. but don't despair fellow non-pork consumers..i have a better option. i call it the haughty blt. sourdough, faken bacon (morning star brand..make sure ya cook it right!) tomato and spinach...none of the ice burg. oh yeah, and mayonnaise of course. it was wonderful.

but i was still looking for something so i turned to a hunk of dark chocolate and a glass of chianti. while i sat …
saturday was Jorai's due date. i had been nervous about it for awhile now. i thought that it would either be a super hard day or that it wouldn't be and i'd feel guilty that i wasn't sad enough. neither happened. i didn't feel exceptionally sad nor guilty, but then sunday hit. i wonder if sunday hit me hard because i had been so worried about saturday, and with the worry of saturday i was, in a way, keeping my spirits up. and when sunday dawned, i wasn't trying so hard to be ok. i woke grumpy. i laid around all day and then it hit. that despair that seems to be following me around the past 3 months. the darkness that comes out of nowhere and seems to envelop everything. my happiness and hope goes down the tubes. nothing seems as it is, nothing has light. it's a scary place to be. i'm usually not like this, and it scares me. i can see how depression can be such a debilitating disease.

people say how strong i've been through this. but i…
i was asked by one of my patients to day if i had delivered. i knew it would come. i feel so bad. for her, she felt bad for asking, and for me. i simple said that we had lost her. what a word lost. as if i could find her some where. as if she were hiding from me. but that's what i said. 'we lost her'. i was ok. the lump in my throat emerged, but tears never flowed.

i will forever hate the question 'do you have children?'. i used to be so excited to be able to answer it. i was over joyed to say 'we will! only a few months now!!'. now what do i say. yes, but she's in heaven.? and if we ever have more children, do i say ' we have 1 child on earth and one with Jesus.'?

it wasn't until i lost Jorai that i started to fully understand what God meant when He said mankind would be cursed. although i was amazingly blessed with such a cool little girl whom God continues to teach me through, her life being taken from us, will be a cur…

big bundles of excitement

tiffany's preggo!!! if you don't know her, she's the other riv mom who just lost her baby boy, Jayden, in May at. she was in her 6th month of pregnancy. i was just given the ok to spill the beans!!

here's my plea, please pray for her, her husband and this new super cool miracle. she's gone through so much the past 4 months and i want these next 9 months to be happy, healthy and blessed. please pray for the health of her and her child. please pray that her pregnancy will be wonderful and uneventful. please pray for her fears to subside and that she'll continue to feel blessed for each new day she has with this child. and please pray that at the end of these next eight months, she will be holding a healthy, kicking and screaming little one.

this is so exciting. so wonderful. i'm so excited for her and bret! i know Jayden is looking down with joy, knowing that he will soon have a baby brother or sister. super cool.
i just saw a women in the clinic breastfeeding. my soul aches to be that woman right now. holding my child, nursing her, stroking her hair. i've found that being at work is hard. it's been a place to reconnect with friends and start to submerge myself back into daily life, yet at the same time, working in a clinic filled with women and children can be heartbreaking. i'm hanging in there, putting on a brave happy face and stumbling through the day, but being here is a constant reminder of all i've lost. all the pregnant women, all the babies, hearing the crying through my closed door, they all tug a bit on my heart. i wonder if i'll still feel this way if/when i get pregnant.
this is the week Jorai was suppose to be born. it's also the week i ovulated...sorry i'm being so open boys...but my point it that this is such a strange week of emotions for me. i'm sad yet hopeful. i'm spending more time in Jorai's room this week but in addition to thinking about our loss, i'm also thinking about the possibility of another child that may someday lie in this lonely little crib. this is the first time i've been hopeful that we may one day be parents. i'm trying not to get too hopeful yet at the same time, not be too hopeless.

i can't believe that it's been over 3 months since we lost our baby girl. the time has flown. i can't believe i've healed so much. i still break down. i still miss her, i always will. i think of her always, i feel i can't even have a conversation without bringing her up in some way. i still get twangs in my belly and think there's a piece of her still there kicking me with those l…

lessons learned

life is short. stop being such a scardy cat..

i've been hurt by a lot of girl friends in the past. when i got into college i stopped pursing girl friends, and i guess i just never started back up again. i mean, i have a few, but i keep them at a distance. being me of course, but guarding myself by not letting them fully in, not trusting them. and with new people, i just tend to stand back and see if they come to me. i don't take too much of a effort since by doing so i'd be putting myself out there for pain. but since losing Jorai, one of the many lessons i've learned is, life is short, enjoy the people around you.

in the past 3 months, i've become close with a few more girls. it's refreshing. i still find myself guarding my heart a bit. it's scary to be putting myself back out there, but i can't begin to tell you how blessed i feel to have such an amazing bunch of women in my life. it's so cool.

i love having girlfriends in my life.
steve just told me that his parents have a new neighbor. her name is Jorai.

knowing this gives me chills. i know it's just a name...but it's not. there aren't that many Jorai's out there. i only know of 1, well 2 now. i know i can't look at signs, but in a way it just feels like my little girl wanted me to know she's ok. at least, that's what i'm going to think of it anyway. thinking that gives me joy.

any way, what's the chance of meeting another Jorai, let alone have them move next door?


i got this from adam. it's so cool! here's his description...
Music is all about mood. There are smooth-jazz days, hard-rock evenings, and even those guilty-pleasure cheesy-pop-ballad moments in between. The brilliance of the Website Musicovery is in its ability to create free playlists for users based on a mixture of factors: mood (you can choose among “dark,” “energetic,” “positive,” and “calm”), era, tempo, genre.

Once you’ve picked your preferences, the fun begins: The site is not only great for listening but also a visual pleasure — handsome, user-friendly graphics explode in DNA-like strands across your screen, displaying your tailor-made selections, with unobtrusive links to purchase music. And with the “discovery” option, there’s a good chance you’ll find a new favorite song you didn’t even know existed.i've been listening to it all morning. it's so cool. go check it out.

i had a dream last night that i was carrying my daughter. it wasn't Jorai. steve was with me and we were in a hospital. my daughter must have been 1ish, but she was super thin, like Jorai was. all of a sudden she looked up at me with fright. she couldn't breath. i watched as she started turning blue. i tried to help her but i couldn't. i called out for help and someone came running. she looked down at my daughter, picked her up and then looked at me and said there was nothing they could do. then i woke up.

i'm getting tired of feeling hopeless. i don't usually feel this way. but i don't know how else to feel right now. i want to look to the future and see children. but right now, i can't. i don't know if it's satan or fear or reality that's talking. while i'm awake, i try to push these thoughts away, but then they hit me in my dreams. i feel as if i can't get away from them. steve is so strong. his trust in Jesus is ama…

first day back


by 8:30 i've managed to break down 3 times here at work. once when i walked up to my office and saw that some co-workers had placed flowers, chocolate and a card at the door, once when the women, who is now sharing my office, had come in to ask me how i was doing...and then someone just walked into my office fast, said they were so glad to have me back and gave me a huge hug.

this is going to be a hard first day back friends. please pray for me. i feel so weak.
**mood: happy, excited...and strangely guilty
**noise: contractors putting on a neighbors roof

we have a yellow jacket problem. for the past 2 years they've come in swarms. i don't know what's up with this house, but for some reason, they like it. so much so, that the outside isn't enough, they also want to come inside. i don't know how. we don't have holes in our screens, but they find their sneaky way in. this summer, i've had enough. they have taken over the front porch...beware! so 2 days ago, i broke down and bought a yellow jacket catcher bottle thing. and for those past 2 days, i constantly go over to see how many i've caught, only to be disappointed. the thing is right next to the nest! i guess it's just not that enticing.

so, last night and this morning i sprayed the snot out of the nest. and just now, i went over to see the damage and noticed that inside the catcher bottle thingy is a lone yellow jacket. excitement and thrill s…
steve just sent me an email from an x-girlfriend who had sent her condolences for Jorai. she and her husband gave birth to their child silently in december. she sent this song with her email. the lyrics are beautiful.
Watermark \ Glory BabyGlory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you… Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will se…
sometimes i wonder if we were to get pregnant again, if i'd be able to bond with the child growing within me prior to the birth. i bonded so much with Jorai. i felt as if i knew her before she was even born. i'm scared to be that bonded with another child in fear that we'll lose that child as well. and if i bond with our child in the womb, and we lose them, will i ever make it through it? i don't think i could do this again.

but then i think, how could i not bond with our child? we would love to be parents. we can only dream of it for now. i don't think there's any way for me not to bond as a child grows within me.

but i don't know. sometimes my fear brings doubt into my life.

but i do know that my when has turned to if. i use to always say 'when we get pregnant...' or 'when we have children...'. i no longer say that. i no longer start those sentences out with when but rather if. if we get pregnant. if we have children. of cours…

a year in a life

i was thinking the other day about this past year. all that's happened. all we've gone through. all we've gained and lost and learned and grown. steve and i have a relationship i always dreamt of. i can't believe i'm actually happy in a relationship. i'm not trying to not fight or prove myself. i'm not wishing to be alone or hoping things would get better. our relationship started as a friendship and that friendship was truly amazing. when we decided, almost a year later, to take it to the next step, it was rough. we had a lot of demons to destroy. and truthfully, there where times i thought the demons would win. but they didn't and we started to experience a relationship that was healthy and filled with laughter and trust, rather than one filled with anger and hurt. fast forward 3 years and here we are. i feel as if we've been married for years. people are surprised to know that we haven't been together longer. it's so stran…
does eating ice cream after exercising cancel out the calories burned? cream was on sale yesterday at kroger. i couldn't resist.

i start back to work this thursday. i wish i was more excited about it. i think the first few weeks will blow. i don't know if i can handle everyone coming up to me and telling me how sorry they are. i think i may just have to hold myself up in a closed office. i also need to confront them with the hours they're screwing me with. it's making it near impossible to work around. i wanted to find a part time job or volunteer, yet i can't say that i'll need to work different hours every week now can i. i was also going to sign up for a few exercise classes...but with my current days switching every week, i'll only be able to hit classes every other week. i still can't believe they're screwing me like this. i guess it shouldn't surprise me...but it does. i'd like to keep this job, but i have to ad…


i have been a long supporter of jay bakker. he has always been one of those pastoral figures that inspire me. he has some theology that i don't agree with, but he inspires me to love. i've never met the guy. but i listen to his messages of love and grace. his actions of love and strength to endure inspire me. it started a while back when i found his ministry. i had heard about revolution through steve and then met matt, jay's x-co-pastor, at an underground conference. matt and jays words and actions of love cut through a lot of the anger and resentment i had with christians. then i read jay's book, son of a preacher man. i could feel his pain. his sorrow. i could relate to him giving up on love and deciding to run away with drugs and alcohol. and i could relate to the grace and true love he felt from Christ as soon as he gave up and finally held his hand out to grasp a hold of Jesus.

last night steve and i finally got our hands on his documentary, one punk …

baby back

i've gotta get this baby back, back in shape. i can't fit into any thing and the clothes i can fit into creates a roll of flab that falls over the front! not i was thinking about trying to find a treadmill. thinking they wouldn't be too terribly expensive i went searching on-line. they're kinda pricey! i would love a folding one, but would take anything if the price is right. i'm going to start looking in the lsj and on craigslist, but i was wondering if any of you have a treadmill or know of someone who has one that you or they never use anymore. let me know. i'd be interested in striking up a deal to get my body back!

photos of late

here's the link to the washington photos. i'll post about the trip soon.


it's 10:03pm, what are you doing?

young bobby dylan was just on wkar and now ray charles is singing ring of fire! i don't know what this show is, but it looks promising. check it out.


i like it. a bit too much maybe. i had a glass tonight...and being a bit of a light weight...i can feel it at one glass...but i had poured steve a glass before we sat down to watch the queen...and he was paged into work...and it was just sitting there...all lonely. so i had to drink it. now i'm loopy and had to confess.

speaking of wines, i think i have found my next favorite. it's a 2003 cabernetsauvignon from preston wines. super yummy. tons of flavor.

thanks noel

alright. noel just blogged about this and i think it's cool. i love getting comments on my posts. they encourage and challenge me. i know some folks don't leave comments so hopefully this will make it easier. i'll be testing this out to see if i like it and if people use it or not...but here it is: it's called Click Comments from PostReach and it is super easy. if you don’t feel like commenting (which is easy...go ahead and try it!) but you still want to give me feedback, just click once on one of the icons below the post. Hover over each one to see what they represent, then click on the one that states how you feel.
i just can't sop crying tonight. the despair has taken hold again. i don't know why it comes in waves like this. i just keep wishing that i could hold on to the happy memories of Jorai within me, happy and kicking, instead i keep reliving the horror. her birth, her limpness. i would do anything to see her laughing right now. to see the light of her eyes. to hold her. this will never be reality for me as i live my days on this earth. it can only be in dreams. i long to have those dreams too. to be with her in my dreams, but they don't come either.

i haven't cried this hard in weeks. i haven't felt this despair. but it's here now. with a vengeance. why? why does it keep coming? steve said today that he sometimes gets mad at himself if he forgets for a little bit about what we've lost. why does this process seem never ending? i feel as if i'm in this vast tunnel. some days i see the light of day and have hope for the possibility of …


we're home, but exhausted. flying all day and then trying to go to bed on washingtontime is a bit hard on the body. i'll try to post a decent blog tomorrow or friday. until then, we had a great time. it was nice to have some time alone. being with my folks all the time was hard, but our alone time was beautiful. we saw a lot of beautiful country and breathed as much mountain air as we could in the short 6 days we had. in other news, i didn't get the job at lcc, which steve and i already decided that i shouldn't take, although i must admit that by not getting the job, i wondered what was wrong with me! so silly. and i'm not pregnant, which has been hard for me. i wanted to give a positive pregnancy test to steve on his birthday and i wanted to feel life within me again. maybe next month.

i'll post more later.