hair help

saturday was Jorai's due date. i had been nervous about it for awhile now. i thought that it would either be a super hard day or that it wouldn't be and i'd feel guilty that i wasn't sad enough. neither happened. i didn't feel exceptionally sad nor guilty, but then sunday hit. i wonder if sunday hit me hard because i had been so worried about saturday, and with the worry of saturday i was, in a way, keeping my spirits up. and when sunday dawned, i wasn't trying so hard to be ok. i woke grumpy. i laid around all day and then it hit. that despair that seems to be following me around the past 3 months. the darkness that comes out of nowhere and seems to envelop everything. my happiness and hope goes down the tubes. nothing seems as it is, nothing has light. it's a scary place to be. i'm usually not like this, and it scares me. i can see how depression can be such a debilitating disease.

people say how strong i've been through this. but i haven't been. they say that my faith has been strong. it hasn't. i'm still wrestling with my fear, with my anger and with my God. i know Jorai is in a better place. i know she's living it up in paradise. but honestly, i'm selfish and that doesn't help my sadness. it helps to know that she's healthy and filled with joy. but it doesn't take away my pain. i still ache for her hand to hold. her face to kiss. i ache to see her grow into womanhood. but these things will never be.

i call out to God for answers. i cry out for comfort. yet i still sit in this coldness. i want to look at my calamity and turn to God with trust and love, but at times i find that impossible. and as i type this i ache because i wish i had more trust in Him. i see others faith and it astounds me and then i look to mine and only see weakness. i have a quote on my desk that reads:

'look at your problems in the light of Gods power, instead of looking at God in the shadow of your problems'

how do i do that? i wish i had the faith to do that every second of my day, but i don't. sometimes i do. some times i can see God's blessings through all this. i can see the joy in the pain. but other times, i can't. i can't see any joy. all i can see is darkness. i turn to prayer, but only receive silence, i turn to His word, but only see words. what does this mean? how can i give Him everything i have, for Him to only turn around and leave me alone? wow...it's out. i feel alone. i mean i have steve and he's amazing and supportive and the best husband i could ever have, but he's ok. he's happy. he's moving on. i know he will forever miss our little girl, but he has hope for the future...and that's a good thing, but i feel stuck. not all the time, but a lot of the time. there are days i want to tear apart Jorai's room. i want to crush the crib and burn the clothes. i want to throw the rocking chair out the window and repaint the walls. but i can't, because there are other days her room brings me comfort. to be in the midst of her things. though they never touched her, they don't smell of her, but they were intended for her.

these past 3 months have flipped my entire world upside down. i've lost my baby girl, lost 3 of my 5 work days, lost a lot of my hope, lost some friends and all but lost some family. but i've also gained some amazing friends, gained new hope and gained a sense of freedom in my days off. as each day dawns, i feel closer to the 'old' kim. the positive kim. the kim that could look at her problems in the light of God's power. i know i'm still there, hiding in the muck. and many days, i even feel like her in a way. i feel broken. i feel tarnished, but i can still feel the old me. what scares me is when i don't feel the old me at all. when all i feel is the darkness. when i start to question my faith, my hope and my joy.

i want to be strong. i want to look at my sorrow every day in the face and scream for it to leave. i want a faith as strong as platinum. i want to look at the face of evil and watch it cower. i want to remember Jorai and not cry. i want to remember my baby girl in happy memories instead of only the horror. but mostly, i want to embrace the love of God with joy and hope. i want to feel His warmth and guidance. i want to know my faith in Him is strong and unwavering. i want to tap into His strength so i am no longer a cowering weakling. and i want to grow from this nightmare to become a woman of God. the woman God needs me to be.

please pray that i can let go of my anger. please pray that i can accept my fate and embrace the road God chose for me. pray for my courage and patience as i wait for His comfort. and please pray for me to grow into the woman He wants me to be. i cannot do this alone.