Showing posts from June, 2007


steve took me to the jeweler that made his wedding band today, to get the memorial ring i want. i want a piece of Jorai's memory with me at all times and the one thing i never take off is rings. so i created a ring and this super cool guy is going to create it. it's nothing too inventive. i just want a simple band with the name Jorai Mae inscribed on the face and i was a pearl to dot the i in Jorai. pearl is the birthstone for june. the jeweler is even going to free script it in our style of writing. so steve and i are going to write out Jorai's name and he'll copy it. i'm excited to get it.

but as we walked into the store we recognized one of the workers. she's a mother of a friend and we haven't seen her in a few months. i guess i just assumed she heard about Jorai. but she didn't. she came up to me and said 'you don't look any bigger than the last time i saw you!'. with the obvious hurt, i had to tell her the sto…

a lesson learned today

it is better to know God than to know answers.
we MUST trust God in spite of not having the answers to why we suffer.

does prayer really work?

i think it does, but then, sometimes, i don't think it really does. what do you think. i'm not rethinking my don't go there. i've just been thinking about it. i know people have been praying for us, i feel it. i know that God has been really pulling us through this time and with everyone praying for us, i feel very comforted. so why am i asking if prayer really works?

God has his plans for us. He's will, will happen. we cannot change it. we have no control. i prayed almost everyday for Jorai's health. for her to stay healthy, for her birth to be safe for both of us and for her to live a healthy, happy life. for us to raise her in the way of the Lord. i prayed for both steve and i to continually grow in Christ so that we can not only please God and live a Christ centered life, showing others His love and bringing others to Him, but also to show our children that kind of love and sacrifice. i know that my friend, who also just lost her…
as i was puling into the holt library just a few moments ago, there was a kid backing up and of course, not looking. thank goodness i saw him, so i stopped, frustrated that he was pulling out so slow. finally, he left the parking lot, so i pulled up, parked and ran frantically threw the rain to return the season 2 of house m.d.. by the time i ran back into my car and pulled out to leave the parking lot, i saw the same green car in the middle of the road. and to the right, that same kid, college age, bawling and pacing, holding his phone as he ran up to my car yelling how he totally screwed up this life and that he didn't know what to do. i called 911. i told him to sit in my car, since we were in a torrential downpour, but he was gone. his mind was frantic.

this young kid felt like he had nothing left because he totalled his car. he was thinking that he would lose his job and fall into debt. i felt to bad for the kid. he was in shock.

losing Jorai has taught me so much. wh…
i love thunder. it makes me feel like i'm not the only one screaming.

it's eerily dark yet light at the same time. the trees are moving in crazy directions and the rain is flying sideways.

i'm not alone in my anger. i love it. bring it on.

getting screwed

so my boss is trying to screw me once again. not only have my hours been decreased from 40 to 16, but now they are making it as hard for me to find other employment as possible. they are screwing with my schedule. maybe it's time to simply cut my losses with this place. i'm just sick of it all. they tell me that one week i'll work monday and thursday and the next i'll work tuesday and thursday. who would hire me if i can only work certain days each week and that those days will change every week. this whole thing is silly and i seriously can't believe a department would do this to someone who has worked there for over 2 years. but then again, i guess i have to remember that the only thing they care about is the money and not their employees.

i'll keep the job for now, but i'm looking for other employment all together. i'm just completely astounded that they would do this to someone who just got 3 of their 5 days taken away. especially since …

a song on my heart

Broken Things ~ Julie Miller (listen to it here)

You can have my heart
Though it isn't new
It's been used and broken
And only comes in blue
It's been down a long road
And it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean
And wash the shame awayYou can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my life if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heartSo beyond repair
Nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself
But it was only worse when I got through
Then you walked into my darkness
And you speak words so sweet
And you hold me like a child
Till my frozen tears fall at your feet
steve and i went to see evan almighty this weekend. we went to lansing 6 theater, by the lansing mall. it was only $3.00 for the matinee and it was actually really nice. we were in the big theater, so that my be part of it...but the seats were nice and there were probably only 15 folks in the theater..we did go to the 11am showing, but it was nice...go check it out.

i may have gotten more out of the movie because what we've been through these past 3 weeks, but something hit me a conversation between God and Evan's wife, God says this:
If you pray for patience, do you think God just… gives you patience? Or does he give you opportunities to be patient? If you pray for courage, do you think he just gives you courage, or opportunities to be courageous? When you pray for your family to grow closer, does God send warm fuzzy feelings, or opportunities to stand together?this reminds me to focus of what Christ is constantly trying to teach me and how i'm constantly not …
**mood: pissed off
**noise: cowboy junkies

i just found out that my friend, who's 24 weeks pregnant with twins, was just in the hospital over night with tachycardia. she's fine. the babies are fine. but she's on modified bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy. what is going on here? another strong christian women having complications? i'm really trying hard not to get mad here. i'm really trying to remember that God's good, that He has everything in control. but how can i see the good when all i keep seeing is the bad and unexplainable?

i had a crappy day yesterday. i was sad all morning and then i fell down the stairs and i caught myself by smacking my head against the corner of the wall. pissed off i elbowed the wall..i know...stupid. but i don't care. then for some silly reason, i decided to start a gardening project and after multiple finger cuts i banged my knuckles against the lone piece of wood in the bed. so i swore out to God. that suck…
steve and i went to hear brandon play last night in east lansing. it was nice seeing and hearing him. and although i liked being outside on a beautiful night listening to some amazing blue grass, it was so hard for me.

there was a woman standing next to me that was probably 8 months preggo. she looked so cute. and as i looked around, i was amazed to see about 5 more preggo women. i kept touching the softness of my belly and holding back the tears.

but the worst part was all the kids. i'm fine with children. i love being around them, but in the mix of kids dancing to the music stood 1 girl. 3ish. totally beatnik. blonde curly hair and was wearing this curled up straw cowboy hat. she looked like such a spitfire. all i could think of was Jorai. that was how i always thought she would look like. i couldn't stop looking at her. and each time it brought tears. i had a lump in my throat the entire evening.
there's a part of me that wants to pack up all of the cards and dried up roses next to Jorai's picture. a part of me even wants to put away Jorai's picture. a part of me feels so sad every time i look into the living room and see it filled with reminders of our little girl. but then i get the tinge of guilt that i've become so accustom to and the other side of me cries out in fear about the thought of removing anything from the room that has memories of Jorai.

i still forget what she looked like. as soon as that feeling takes hold, i have to run over and look at her. but i can only see her face. i have to imagine the rest. how do you remember someone you only saw for a few hours. yet how can you forget what your child looks like?

i want to move on. i want to move past the pain. i want to get a sense of normality back into my life, but how can i when i'm surrounded by the pain of losing Jorai. yet how can i pack up my little girls memories in a box. for t…
2 things i learned today


Christ heals all pain. it might not be instantaneous and pieces will always be apart of you helping to remind you of the lessons you learned though it. but Jesus is the great healer. today, i was remembering my friend that committed suicide back in 94 . i never understand how he could take his life. i never could understand how someone could be that desperate. i can see that desperation now. i would never take my life. but now i can feel the same desperation he must have felt. but instead of lying in my grief, i know that it's Christ that keep me breathing. it's Christ that keeps my lips from pressing against the bottle. i never understood the desperation that comes along the side of grief and guilt and pain and loss and i've never fully known the healing power of Christ until now. what a beautiful lesson. painful, yet so very beautiful.


i have 2 choices. i can either feel sorry for myself or i can honor my daughter.

i choose to honor …
i miss feeling Jorai within me.

Jorai Mae

steve and i have created a slide show so people can meet Jorai. if you'd like to see it, click below to start. i can't seem to make it any bigger. sorry.

to see the photos, click here.
i woke last night at 1:15 with a terror. i don't remember what my dream was but as i woke, all i could think of was Jorai. i was scared. i couldn't settle down. i prayed but i still felt this sense of despair taking over me. i fell into and out of sleep for the next hour, each time waking as before. petrified.

what was that? why did i wake scared? this constant hell i'm in is so consuming. i'm sick of it. i pray, i trust God, i try to hold onto the good, and my sorrow is decreasing, i'm healing more each day, yet i'm not. yesterday was a good day. i had a great conversation with a friend. i learned to knit. and steve and i laughed together. it feels so good to laugh with my best friend again. but then, out of no where. out of a sleep i'm wracked with fear. why does this happen? where does it come from? why does this continue?

i'm trying so hard to trust God. i'm trying so hard to not be angry. i want to be positive, i want to ho…

2 things someone reminded me today:


God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.


if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.

something i hope to learn:

to live in the land of the living while at the same time keeping Jorai close to me.

keeping what she continues to teach me at the forefront of my being, being able to talk about her and think about her with other people, knowing she's in a far better place and not being sad about the fact that she not here with her momma and papa. rather than living in 2 separate worlds. a world without Jorai and a world with her. a world with living, breathing, beautiful souls, and a world with Jorai. i'm in 2 worlds. i want to live in this world. i want to laugh and play and enjoy. i want to learn and teach and live. yet i also want Jorai, and i just can't seem to keep her close to me in this world. i haven't been able to mesh my two worlds into one. i try. i go out and be with friends, but it just seems too hard. how do i mesh my two worlds together?

something i've learned

i could by no means continue to breath without Christ.

i have seen friends a…
i just got back from my first morning walk. it felt so empty. it was refreshing and sweat filled, but empty. 'the plan' was, after i had Jorai, i would throw her in the sling and leave the house, when steve left, for a morning walk. this morning i felt so alone. i looked to the sky and there was a beautiful break in the clouds where the suns rays broke through. it was beautiful. i felt comforted in a way.

last night steve and i were talking about Jorai and he said that when we're sitting at the dinner table is when he really misses her. he still can't believe that she not there with us. throwing food and what not.. it's the everyday mundane activities that leave an emptiness. each night when i roll over, i expect to see her, hear her, as she sleeps between steve and i. but there's nothing but the 2 of us.

this weekend was hard on me. again, it was the little things. not being able to figure something out on the mac, blew my fuse. it almost ended u…


what is it within ourselves that causes us to judge one another? is it jealousy? insecurity? or just our sinful nature? i see it more with women and i'm constantly amazed by it's cutting nature, but lately, it just pisses me off. in the past week, i have see this happen 3 times now. this judgement on folks is just silly. why do we constantly look to others in judgement?

in matthew 7: 1-5 it says
"Stop judging others, and you will not be judged.For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged.And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own?How can you think of saying, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye?Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.i'm not immune to this. …

frustration, anger

i learned to day how shakable i still am. trying to create something on the computer and not being able to do it, almost caused me to literally chuck the mac out the window. when i decided that wasn't the best choice, i sat and cried. such a silly little task really. yet as i continued not comprehending and unable to finish the project, i almost snapped.

i still have my bursts of emotions that i just can't control. i want to control them. i want to feel normal again. i want to have the desire to leave my house and do things. i want to laugh on my own again, not just when people make me. i want to look into the mirror and smile. i want to love me again. i want to trust that life may have it's ups and downs but that in the end everything will work out. i want to be carefree. i want to be intimate with my husband. i want to feel that closeness. i want to stop bleeding. i want the roses next to Jorai's picture to come back alive. i want death to stop surro…

2 Corinthians 1: 3-7

a friend of mine told me that a doctor she knows said that most of the couples he sees go though the loss of stillborns has been strong Christian couples. all 3 of the couples i know that have gone through this loss within the past 3 months have all been strong Christian couples. there has to be a reason why God chose us to go through this. although i don't understand why God had to make us endure this pain, and it still makes me mad that He has, i also understand that He has His reasons. He has His plans. He is in control.

another slice of Gods' word which proves to me that Jorai was taken for a reason.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-7

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower u…

1 peter 1:7

these trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. it is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. so if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
it still surprises me when i look down and can see my feet, my legs. they are normal feet and legs too. no swelling. when i look down i'm thinking i'm going to be seeing Jorai, but it's just an empty stomach. and that stomach seems to be getting smaller and smaller. and my breasts. they're smaller and soft. i told my friend that they were supple the other day and she laughed at me...but they are. i can't remember what they felt like before i got pregnant, but they just feel so foreign.

before i got pregnant, i was trying to lose weight. i was trying to lose my little belly and i would have done almost anything to have smaller breasts. now i want to be big. i want my tummy back. i want Jorai to be flipping inside of me again. i want to look down and feel her move and see my belly getting bigger and bigger. i want to see that brown line moving my my belly and i want my breast to be firm and ready to provide nutrition to our child again.

i still just can&#…

what's in a name

a friend of mine asked me what the middle name we chose for Jorai was and i immediately cringed remembering that i questioned whether we would even name her and if we did would we name her Jorai? i feel ashamed for even thinking that we wouldn't give her the name we had originally picked out for her. but at the time, i was so lost. so devastated, maybe it was a way to hold onto her. if we never gave her a name, she would have to stay? and if we kept her name for another child, there would be a part of her in our next child.

we were told that naming our child would be healing, but i can't express to you enough just how healing it is.

we named our little girl Jorai Mae. Jorai Mae Newman. i'm so glad we named her. i wasn't sure if we were going to. we loved the name and quite honestly, i wanted to keep it. but the minute i thought about keeping the name, something in me cringed. i knew our baby girl needed a name and i knew even more, that she needed her name.

we …

fathers day

i keep thinking about fathers day. since having Jorai and learning from her i have so much more admiration of parents. of everyone really. but mostly of parents. i can more deeply understand my own parents. see their point of view more and where they were coming from. but mostly i've been aching about this sunday and what it will mean to steve. i pray that Jesus will be standing right next to him and that Jorai will be holding his hand all day.

he would have been such a wonderful father. i would have loved to watch him sing her to sleep and teach her to read and ride a bike. i know all these dreams are silly. they'll never happen with Jorai. but i hope someday they will happen. i pray that someday we'll get pregnant again and become parents to a healthy, happy child. i would love to see my amazing husband be a father. he is the best man i know.


i am continued to be amazed at how many people our little girl has touched and how much she is teaching us all. a dear friend of my posted this on her blog today. i felt that it's just another example of how Jorai has changed someones life. so i felt a sudden urge to respond, which is something i haven't done since the Jorais' birth.
a beautiful friend of mine lost her baby girl...and it has reminded me again that children are gifts that God entrusts us to take care of and look over, but they are HIS children more than they are ours. as a mother, realizing that stings in part...but it also brings me peace. if they are after all His children, isn't He always looking over them? if they are no longer in this world, isn't He taking care of them better than we could ever dream of? as parents here on earth we are unable to meet all of their needs. we cannot shelter them from all of the pain this world has to offer. children don't ever suffer when they are in the…
steve is so strong. he amazes me. his pain is so real, so fresh, yet he stands strong in his faith. he knows without a shadow of a doubt that God has His reasons for taking Jorai. he told me last night that he believes Jorai was so perfect and so innocent that Christ didn't want her to suffer here on this earth. that's a beautiful picture. one that brings me comfort. knowing that she'll never feel pain or sadness. only light and joy and love.

but at the same time, i'm selfish. i still want her here. what kind of mother would want her child to live here on earth rather than in splendor?

a friend gave me some scripture to read. and to tell you the truth, the bible is where i first went last monday morning. i tried to submerge myself in His word, but i couldn't. this morning was the first time i opened up my bible since last monday. and this is what i read.

Romans 8: 28-39

28And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love…

for Jorai

there are no goodbyes for us.
wherever you are, youwill always be in my heart.

-Mahatma Gandhi

email from a friend

i got this just moments ago and loved it. i had to share.
'It's okay to feel all the things you are feeling. It all comes from God. WHY - I have no idea!!!! Things like this are so upsetting. We see people every day who we believe (DON'T DESERVE) to be parents!!! so when this happens - IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to understand. I can picture my Grandpa up there in heaven this very minute giving God the once over on this one!!!

ALL I KNOW FOR SURE - is that as time has gone by in my life - I have understood that everything God has done for me has been for the best. I will never however UNDERSTAND THIS!!!
My belief is this - GOD NEEDS E-MAIL - that way he could tell us what's up and we wouldn't have to wonder, or doubt. I do know this though - It's easy for me to have faith when everything is going my way. I also know there are days when I think - what's the point of it all!!!! Doesn't being a good person and believing in God and loving him with al…

things i've learned

pregnancy is a miracle.God's creation is miraculous.a growing child within your womb is unexplainable to anyone who has never experienced it.the magnitude of changes that occur when you're pregnant is crazy. some conditions lessen, some increase.pregnancy is frightening.the moment you become pregnant, you become a mother or a father.the moment you become a mother or a father, dreams, hopes and a love you can't put to words come to fruition.each new day brings more anticipation.each pain, discharge or strange feeling becomes frightening.the first movement is exhilarating.the first ultrasound picture is unexplainable. to see your child within you, within your wife, is utterly amazing. relish in these first images.
each new pain or condition is manageable because as you look down at your belly you know that your baby is growing in there. that's all that matters.the minute you think you've lost your growing child, your world stops.laying, waiting to hear your docto…
i've realized today how many people read this blog...i thought it was just a few. i'm amazed. i also realized how dark my posts have been since losing Jorai and how friends are really starting to worry. thank you for you worry. but do know that the times i write, are the times that i'm stuck in the darkness unable to see the light of Christ. these words are written in darkness and through a veil of tears.

these posts have been healing. each time i sit down and type, i weep. whether it's am email to a friend or a blog post, i weep. but i also heal. a bit more at each key stroke. thank you for reading, for praying, for supporting and loving us. thank you every one.

i've also learned today that steve and i aren't alone in our thoughts and grief. i hate the fact that anyone has to go through this pain and it's still hard for me to see it happen to others, and knowing that as we speak someone is delivering silently in a cold hospital room somewhere …

phantom kicks

i swear i can still feel kicks every now and then. i just felt one. i don't know if it's my grief, or my innards just flopping back to their normal places after being squished for 7 months, or if they're real phantom kicks.

what ever they are, i love feeling them. it makes me feel close to Jorai. i miss feeling her so.


this morning was rough, as you could have probably told through the morning post, yet after i started my day, it went surprisingly well. i was and still am exhausted, yet i'm functioning. today i got my tire fixed, cleaned steves bathroom, cleaned the bedroom, did a load of laundry, took the trash out, went to meijer, scanned in all the pictures sparrow took of Jorai, took out and smelled all of Jorai's clothes from the hospital and hung a mirror in Jorai's room. ohh...and i took a shower.

i broke down this morning and a bit this afternoon while talking with a friend on the phone, but i felt strong this afternoon. i have a feeling people were praying hard for me after this mornings post. i do appreciate it. thank y'all so much. every one has been so kind, y'all have really taught us to be better people. to support and love one another unconditionally. i want to be a better person for Jorai.

i don't know who i've told and if i've even talked about…

my dichotomy

i got this from a friend today and knowing this innately, really helps.
Two simple words from the bible keep repeating themselves in my mind 'JESUS WEPT'. You know he is standing by your side heartbroken for you. But - I can also picture God holding your sweet baby girl wanting you to know she is a special gift in heaven.but the dichotomy of this situation is this. i love God above all things. above myself, my marriage, even above my sweet little girl. but in my mourning, i have to admit that i'm pissed at Him almost as much as i love Him. this continues to be a huge test of my faith.

people keep telling me how strong i am. yet i feel so weak. if i believe in all things that God is good. that Jesus loves me and holds me and mourns with me, why at times do i question His love? why at times, do i blame Him for taking my sweet Jorai? steve is so strong. he sees the Truth. he knows the Truth. he trusts in God completely. right now, if i'm being honest with myself, i don'…
this is steve's first day back at work. so that leaves me here by myself for the first time since Jorai was born. i miss him already. he's the only one, that can comfort me fully. i can't wait to see him at lunch.

i think this time alone will probably be good for me. to have some time to make peace of this situation. i have projects to do as well to help keep my mind busy. but i still miss my husband. although i feel gutted by this. althoughi'm pissed off and hurt that this had to happen to us. it makes me realize just how blessed i am to have been given a man like steve to share my life with. he has been so amazing in this time of pain. he was amazing at the birth. we didn't know anything. we still hadn't taken our birthing classes and i'd only read a few chapters of my hypnobabies book. we didn't know the breathing techniques or anything. but steve stood by my side and gripped my hand. he told me everything would be alright. and we crie…