this is steve's first day back at work. so that leaves me here by myself for the first time since Jorai was born. i miss him already. he's the only one, that can comfort me fully. i can't wait to see him at lunch.
i think this time alone will probably be good for me. to have some time to make peace of this situation. i have projects to do as well to help keep my mind busy. but i still miss my husband. although i feel gutted by this. although i'm pissed off and hurt that this had to happen to us. it makes me realize just how blessed i am to have been given a man like steve to share my life with. he has been so amazing in this time of pain. he was amazing at the birth. we didn't know anything. we still hadn't taken our birthing classes and i'd only read a few chapters of my hypnobabies book. we didn't know the breathing techniques or anything. but steve stood by my side and gripped my hand. he told me everything would be alright. and we cried. together.
when Jorai was born steve cut the cord. i don't know how he could even see what he was doing through his tears, but he did. and then he sat quietly and held our little girl until i delivered the placenta and could hold her myself.
i feel like we'll never be normal again. holding our dead child in our arms. feeling how light her limp little body was and feeling her get colder and colder has changed us forever. i just wanted to keep her close and get her warm again. i wanted to breath life into her and hear her cry, feel her wiggle. i wanted to see her eyes. we never got to see her eyes. i wonder what color they were. were they hazel like steves and mine or were they blue, brown?
knowing that we'll never know the answer to that question haunts me. oh God, how am i going to get through this? i felt pretty strong when i woke up, yet here i sit crying again, not being able to make sense of the past week. being mad and devastated at the same time. i just want our little girl back yet i know that will never happen in this life. and although it brings me comfort to know that she'll be waiting for us the moment we die, it's not good enough right now. i want my little girl here. with us. i want to hear her cry out to me. this house is so damn quiet.
i think this time alone will probably be good for me. to have some time to make peace of this situation. i have projects to do as well to help keep my mind busy. but i still miss my husband. although i feel gutted by this. although i'm pissed off and hurt that this had to happen to us. it makes me realize just how blessed i am to have been given a man like steve to share my life with. he has been so amazing in this time of pain. he was amazing at the birth. we didn't know anything. we still hadn't taken our birthing classes and i'd only read a few chapters of my hypnobabies book. we didn't know the breathing techniques or anything. but steve stood by my side and gripped my hand. he told me everything would be alright. and we cried. together.
when Jorai was born steve cut the cord. i don't know how he could even see what he was doing through his tears, but he did. and then he sat quietly and held our little girl until i delivered the placenta and could hold her myself.
i feel like we'll never be normal again. holding our dead child in our arms. feeling how light her limp little body was and feeling her get colder and colder has changed us forever. i just wanted to keep her close and get her warm again. i wanted to breath life into her and hear her cry, feel her wiggle. i wanted to see her eyes. we never got to see her eyes. i wonder what color they were. were they hazel like steves and mine or were they blue, brown?
knowing that we'll never know the answer to that question haunts me. oh God, how am i going to get through this? i felt pretty strong when i woke up, yet here i sit crying again, not being able to make sense of the past week. being mad and devastated at the same time. i just want our little girl back yet i know that will never happen in this life. and although it brings me comfort to know that she'll be waiting for us the moment we die, it's not good enough right now. i want my little girl here. with us. i want to hear her cry out to me. this house is so damn quiet.
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