gutted again

I hate doing this online...I hate sharing horrible news on this blog before everyone I care about knows first hand, but I can't sleep and I need to scream. And truthfully, I don't have the guts nor strength to talk anymore.

Some time today we lost our baby. We found out the fate of our child in a cold hospital room, but I already new in my heart that we had lost another child. This was my third pregnancy. We lost Jorai at 28 weeks, birthed an amazingly awesome screaming boy 18 months ago, and now, lost this child just shy of 24 weeks.

I'm lost. I'm gutted. I'm numb. I'm pissed. Really pissed. My faith is weak right now. It's teetering really. On the verge of falling, if I'm being honest. I had a hard enough time finding peace with our first child being taken away, but now another one? And the fact that I have to deliver and hold another lifeless body makes my ache all over.

I've been shaking since we got into the car to drive to the hospital. I'm shaking as I type this. I don't know if it's emotions or my body realizing something is wrong. I don't know. I'm just shaking. My eye's burn from crying, my mouth is parched.

Another baby gone. Still inside of me, but gone. Why do we have to go through this? Why does anyone. Why couldn't I have just miscarried? Why do I have to go through this again. I really don't think I can do this. I really don't. The hospital OB ward...hearing happiness as you lie there in agony...the cervical sticks and chemicals to help you dilate and contract and then a baby who's tiny and silent. Utterly silent. A baby who's warm and slimy but lifeless and then gets progressively colder and colder and the blood that falls from it's sweet nose. The goodbyes and emptiness you feel after. I just can't do this again. Not again.

I think we're going to the hospital tomorrow afternoon. I don't know. I just don't want to go. I don't want to leave Asher. He's the only thing keeping me from losing it. His love. His needing me. His warmth and screams and laughter. He's like a drug to me right now. I know I should be going to God, but I'm just too pissed off at Him right now. I've prayed my plea and he knows my feelings quite well, we're talking...but my faith in his love is weak. I can't see it. Not with my selfish, human eyes. I'm just pissed. Simply pissed off.

I may be out of touch...I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I'm functioning. A lot more so than I was when I lost Jorai. I just keep my heart focused on 3 things; Steve, Asher and the hope that both my lost babies are up in Heaven together, playing and singing and rejoicing. It doesn't give me much solace, but it keeps me functioning...at least for now. I'll try to type more in the coming days. I'll announce the gender of the child and hopefully post pictures as this time we'll be using As I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

But for now, I simply ask for your prayers for my family in this horrific time. Please pray for:

• my parents and in-laws who, in their own way, are reeling for their children and grandchildren;
  
• for Steve's faith because I need him to be strong. I need him to be strong for me because I am weak. Pray for his sadness and anger. Pray that he finds a way to deal with another loss like this. Pray for hope to return to his eyes, for life to return. All I see is ache.;
  
• Pray for me. Pray for my healing, both emotionally and physically. Pray for my faith, that I find the strength to hold fast to His love and not give up as I want to right now. Pray for courage so that I may face what's to come both with the delivery and loss aspect, and also with dealing with all the people who will ask when I'm due, did I have the baby, what did I have....
• Pray for all the pregnant people out there. Pray for the health of their babies.

As I type this though, my thoughts go back to all my prayers. All my prayers asking for a healthy child, a healthy delivery. Some days I wonder why I even pray. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm so at a loss I'm miserable. Utterly gutted.