gutted again

I hate doing this online...I hate sharing horrible news on this blog before everyone I care about knows first hand, but I can't sleep and I need to scream. And truthfully, I don't have the guts nor strength to talk anymore.

Some time today we lost our baby. We found out the fate of our child in a cold hospital room, but I already new in my heart that we had lost another child. This was my third pregnancy. We lost Jorai at 28 weeks, birthed an amazingly awesome screaming boy 18 months ago, and now, lost this child just shy of 24 weeks.

I'm lost. I'm gutted. I'm numb. I'm pissed. Really pissed. My faith is weak right now. It's teetering really. On the verge of falling, if I'm being honest. I had a hard enough time finding peace with our first child being taken away, but now another one? And the fact that I have to deliver and hold another lifeless body makes my ache all over.

I've been shaking since we got into the car to drive to the hospital. I'm shaking as I type this. I don't know if it's emotions or my body realizing something is wrong. I don't know. I'm just shaking. My eye's burn from crying, my mouth is parched.

Another baby gone. Still inside of me, but gone. Why do we have to go through this? Why does anyone. Why couldn't I have just miscarried? Why do I have to go through this again. I really don't think I can do this. I really don't. The hospital OB ward...hearing happiness as you lie there in agony...the cervical sticks and chemicals to help you dilate and contract and then a baby who's tiny and silent. Utterly silent. A baby who's warm and slimy but lifeless and then gets progressively colder and colder and the blood that falls from it's sweet nose. The goodbyes and emptiness you feel after. I just can't do this again. Not again.

I think we're going to the hospital tomorrow afternoon. I don't know. I just don't want to go. I don't want to leave Asher. He's the only thing keeping me from losing it. His love. His needing me. His warmth and screams and laughter. He's like a drug to me right now. I know I should be going to God, but I'm just too pissed off at Him right now. I've prayed my plea and he knows my feelings quite well, we're talking...but my faith in his love is weak. I can't see it. Not with my selfish, human eyes. I'm just pissed. Simply pissed off.

I may be out of touch...I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I'm functioning. A lot more so than I was when I lost Jorai. I just keep my heart focused on 3 things; Steve, Asher and the hope that both my lost babies are up in Heaven together, playing and singing and rejoicing. It doesn't give me much solace, but it keeps me functioning...at least for now. I'll try to type more in the coming days. I'll announce the gender of the child and hopefully post pictures as this time we'll be using As I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

But for now, I simply ask for your prayers for my family in this horrific time. Please pray for:
  • my parents and in-laws who, in their own way, are reeling for their children and grandchildren;
  • for Steve's faith because I need him to be strong. I need him to be strong for me because I am weak. Pray for his sadness and anger. Pray that he finds a way to deal with another loss like this. Pray for hope to return to his eyes, for life to return. All I see is ache.;
  • Pray for me. Pray for my healing, both emotionally and physically. Pray for my faith, that I find the strength to hold fast to His love and not give up as I want to right now. Pray for courage so that I may face what's to come both with the delivery and loss aspect, and also with dealing with all the people who will ask when I'm due, did I have the baby, what did I have....
  • Pray for all the pregnant people out there. Pray for the health of their babies.
As I type this though, my thoughts go back to all my prayers. All my prayers asking for a healthy child, a healthy delivery. Some days I wonder why I even pray. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm so at a loss I'm miserable. Utterly gutted.

Comments

Mellie said…
Oh my heart is breaking for you. I am SO sorry and I don't understand why these things happen either. So, so very sad and sorry.
Anonymous said…
Kim,

I am and will continue to pray for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

Cindy Agnew
SnoWhite said…
Kim, Steve, and Asher - my heart is breaking for you. Know that you are covered in prayers to our Father.
Kim,
If you need me.. please call.. please..
I'm so sorry..
Words escape me.
Ter said…
I found your blog via Beth's, and I am so so sorry for your loss(es). I'm so sorry you're going through this, and for a second time. I'm sorry that your rainbow baby has lost another sibling, one before and one after. I'm angry to hear of another child gone too soon. It is just wrong and nothing I can say will make you feel better. I know, because I am also a babyloss momma.

(((Many hugs))) May the next few days as you await the delivery of this little babe be as gentle as possible. May you and your husband and child have moments together that are peaceful and full of love for each other and your new angel that will bring some smiles to your face in the future, despite the sadness you will feel at the same time.

I'm glad to hear you will have the services of NILMDTS, they will allow some tangible memories for you to guide you through the years.

I wish I had more words that would make you feel better, but right now, I'm sure, you can't hear because the grief is too immediate. Please know that you are not alone. ((hugs))
Tali said…
Oh Kim. I am praying so hard for you right now. I am so sorry.
CLC said…
Here via Beth's blog. I am so, so sorry. I am praying for you to find the strength to get through this.
Susan said…
While words fail in this terrible time, my prayers are with and for you and your family.
Sara Joy said…
I am so truly sorry for your loss. You and your family are in our prayers. God's peace to you,
SJ
Unknown said…
Oh my goodness mama. You don't know me I don't think, but I am SO so so sorry. There's absolutely nothing that can be said that's really "comforting" at a time like this: I think all any of us can do is express to each other the fact that we ARE there for one another. When I lost Josie, I felt the support from so many was a little like a parachute when one is falling off a cliff. You crash, but not as hard as you would if there were no people making up that parachute.

From the point of view of me - and I am only one woman - your husband is going to find this very difficult indeed, probably - but, it is not the end. You mention his faith and that you want him to stay strong: completely, I understand. Harry, my partner, lost his frost daughter at 25 weeks, and then Josie at about 38 - it was extremely hard for him, and he found it very, very difficult to reconcile his faith. Actually for him, the path ended up being that of reconsideration of the faith he'd had into something a little bit different. But I say again, it was not the end for him. Your husband will survive and believe me I KNOW the feeling when you don't see that spark in their eyes any more for a while.

But it comes back. It does: I know it does.

*HUGE hugs* mama, and once again, I am so very sorry this has happened to you. Xxxx
Unknown said…
I don't know why you have to go through this again.

I just found your blog and want you to know you're not alone.

We just found out about our third pregnancy loss this year on Friday.

Praying for you.
Shannon Ryan said…
I have no words.. all i can say is that i'm so deeply sorry, and i feel sick with you. so unfair!
Phoenix Rising said…
Thank you all so very much for your support and prayers. They mean so much to me.
KLTTX said…
I am terribly sorry for your loss.

Here from LFCA.

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